Title: Happy Violentine
Rating: M (for later chapters), suggestive dialogue
Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling and I don't own Harry Potter. I am receiving no profits.
Albus Dumbledore sat at his desk, gleaming with the taint of a sprite-like sparkle in his eyes. His eyes beamed – almost blazed like two suns and flared at the awakening of his companion perched on his desk. Surely, his friend would be delighted: a body had been found to possess. Albus once again glanced at his friend the hat, remembering his friend's devious plans for the current school year. The Sorting Hat would no longer be bound in a hat: he would become a teenage boy and attend Hogwarts.
"Whose body is it, Albus?" yawned the Sorting Hat, eyeing the young man sprawled out on cot several feet away from the Headmaster's desk.
"His name is Tantalus Montgomery. He has been in a magically induced coma for the past five years and is now 16. His coma is thought to be the result of some entanglement with some American werewolf clan from Maine. His mother, father, and sister were killed. Either way, the mediwizards, Poppy, and Shave concluded that he will be unable to ever wake up. He is very distantly related to Poppy and on that ground, the body was taken here as her ward."
The Sorting hat poised himself on the table, forcing the wrinkles of his fabric to straighten and while pondering the situation. "I wonder what house I shall join Albus? Would poor old Godric ever forgive me – the crown upon his fool-hardy head if I didn't become a Gryffindor?"
Albus chuckled, "But what about Harry? He needs someone to guide him through this school year."
"Oh Albus, you always know just the right spot to guilt trip me on. Playing with my emotions and sense of duty? Tisk, tisk. How Slytherin of you. I guess I shall have to become a Gryffindor. How long will the spell take for me to possess that Montgomery boy's body by the way?"
"Severus said it would react immediately. I have already charmed a new hat to sort the oncoming first years and glamoured it to look like you. The glamour can be detected if one is within close range, but it is highly unlikely any first year would be capable of such magic, let alone question why the glamour is there."
The Sorting Hat sighed, "I will slightly miss sorting them. What other excuse could I have to pry the depths of their minds with the skilled expertise of a Legillmens?" The Sorting shot a smirk and a knowing glance at Albus.
"Ha ha, like that would ever stop you or me," Albus once again chuckled, "Well, you said that I acting like a Slytherin. I guess it is time. The students will be arriving within the hour."
"If only I had thought of this sooner when Godric was alive. How I would have loved to suckle the nips of his manhood back in the sculptured perfection of youth. His wife couldn't have stopped me. Neither could his beyond precious Salazar." With that last comment, the Sorting Hat let out a loud, ringing laugh before contorting its mouth, trying to act seductively even without a tongue.
Albus picked up his dear friend and walked over to the cot. This Tantalus had not shriveled under his coma and grown into a ghastly pale waif. He had little muscle, but was still suave and thin. His sides curved somewhat seductively, being a little too sensual for a man. But his face – that face had a militant and Germanic androgynous regality like that Nico or Grace Jones that some of the Muggle-borns had talked about. Maybe that was why the Sorting hat has squealed with glee upon first seeing the body several days ago. Tantalus had fat, tumescent lips that curved almost as sensually as his sides. But even those lips failed to distract from the diagonal scar swooping from the middle of his temple past his eye and into the left side of his face. The scar was a faded purple like Tantalus's lips: seemingly too cold to be alive. Despite the suspicious werewolf attacks that murdered the boy's family and gave him his scar, the mediwizards said that he was not infected.
"Quit eyeing my pretty body, Albus. I'm not Grindewald: The Sequel."
The Sorting Hat slid and lifted itself onto the boy's head. Albus took his long and gangly fingers, making sure that the hat was stuck firmly on Tantalus' head. The Sorting hat closed its eyes, wincing in anticipation. It could no longer be a thinking object: it would blossom in the saturated emotions and hormones of a teenage boy – feelings that it might never have experienced otherwise.
"Don't keep me waiting," an anxious Sorting Hat sneered.
Albus sighed and collected his nerves. With one effortless swoop of his wordless magic, a beam of a cracking orange light sprung from the Elder Wand and struck the Sorting Hat. The hat quickly shriveled and withered: the very magic of its soul and mind gushed downward into Tantalus' head. Tantalus's soul was gone from being in a coma for those long five years; his only purpose now was to become a body for the Sorting Hat.
"Mmm," mumbled Tantalus as if his voice was a decrepit funnel chocking on thin and forgotten airs. This body had not spoken in five years and that was before puberty.
Albus waved his wand and with a few more flicks, the air in his breath seemed to sweeten, while his throat contorted and realigned itself.
"I can speak. Thank you Albus. I bet you do that to all the young boys in your office – especially the unconscious or comatose ones. What a romantic you are."
Albus had fixed his voice and allowed his body to speak, yet the Sorting Hat would never cease their playful banter.
"Well, you haven't left the room screaming at big bad old Dumbledore," Albus sneeringly responded, "You seem quite responsive to my magical advances."
"So when do the students get here?" Tantalus quickly evaded.
"They are arriving now. A trunk of necessary textbooks and galleons has been left in your new dorm room. You shall find your wand – holly with werewolf hair – in the right pocket of your robes."
The Sorting Hat sat and waved his hands in front of his eyes. He cracked them and laughed at ho amusing it was. How playful and interesting his new body could be.
"When do I see you again, Albus? Or am I to cut of all contact? With the students be suspicious of my identity?"
"We can schedule a meeting two weeks from now to discuss your progress in the school. I suggest you socialize with your fellow students and earn some sympathy with your werewolf attack situation."
"Wait, I already have a dorm? What house am I in? Even I cannot stand the blatantly flippant and provincial Hufflepuffs. Poor Helga… Do not play with me old man!"
Albus glared at Tantalus, before breaking out in long fit of drunken merry laughter. He swept up the former shriveled Sorting Hat from the cot and placed it upon Tantalus head.
Albus yelled in a shrill mockery of the Sorting Hat's voice, "GRYFFINDOR!"
AN: Should I continue this?