"Moving on is difficult. But, you know what, it doesn't matter how quickly you get over someone. There's nothing wrong with letting go of their memory little by little. Forward is forward, after all."
Those are the same words I've been telling myself and the people close to me for the last year and a half.
I don't know when the hope that came with those words got lost, though.
What I do know is that it gets really frustrating when you realize how little you've moved forward within a given amount of time. From wondering about her every morning and wondering if she's wondering about you too, you start to wonder if you'll ever not think about her.
You'll start to wonder if you'll ever feel your stomach rumbling without having to remember the countless hours you've spent debating over what kind of food you want for dinner. Or how despite you trying to hold your ground, you end up letting her get what she wants, anyway. You'll wonder why even after all this time, every little thing reminds you of her. Why it's still so weird to do alone the things you used to do together.
Then, you'll try to forget. You'll force yourself to look at someone else the way you looked at her. To care for someone else the same way you cared for her. It'll get her off of your mind for awhile, but it usually never lasts. Because as much as you want them to be, they're not her.
Soon, you'll be back right where you started. Pining over someone you so badly want to leave in the past. You'll tell yourself, "Take your time. It doesn't matter how long it takes. You'll get there." But, this time, you'll believe it less because nothing seems to have changed. You're still stuck in that same loop of hating yourself for staying in love with someone who isn't in your life anymore, and wishing for her to come back.
It's funny. I didn't want this, you know? I never thought love was in the cards for me. But then, she came around, unwittingly changing everything I thought I knew about myself.
I guess the Universe just has a knack of throwing shit at people when they think they've had it all figured out.
Well, you've had your fun, Universe. I'm never falling for that trap ever again.
Besides, I'm probably never gonna get over her, so that's that.
Yep. Love sucks.
Who is "she," you ask? Well, that is up to you. It could be Maggie, Sam, or someone completely different. I'm leaving that to your imagination.
Honestly, this is just me going with the flow of my thoughts. This was originally written as creative nonfiction, but it kinda feels like it's Alex's life story, too. I plan on turning this into a series of short angsty pieces, if anybody's interested.