A/N: Obviously I don't own Star Wars. This is completely an AU crack fic. This was inspired by a conversation on twitter. Rated M for Language only.
"HAN" She yelled from the kitchen towards the living room.
"Yes sweetheart?" He yelled back over the loud children.
"I need to run to the bodega, can you watch the pie. I'll be back in five minutes." She didn't hear him respond. "HAN ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!"
Han got up from the floor where the children were playing and walked over to Leia. "What was that, sweetheart," He brushed a strand of hair that had fallen from her updo behind her ear, "I couldn't hear you over the kids."
"I need you to watch the pie, boil water for the pasta, and watch the twins. I have to run to the bodega around the corner before it closes to grab some whipped cream for the pie. Make sure the crust is golden brown and a little crispy."
"Anything for you." He smirked and she blushed slightly.
"Five minutes."
"It'll be fine! Go your worshipfulness! Hurry you pie is burning!" He mocked
"That's not funny! Alright guys, I'm out!" As soon as she left, Han sat down with the kids and continued playing with their new toys.
The trip to the bodega took longer than expected, Apparently everyone needed last minute items for christmas dinner because five minutes turned into fifteen minutes. She paid for the whipped cream and ran out of the bodega.
When she reached her front door she paused. She smelt smoke. 'Son of a bitch' she thought. She walked in and she was horrified. The twins were covered in ashes and soot, the living room carpet had burn holes the size of Chewbacca's foot, and Han was extinguishing the flames in the oven.
"GODDAMMIT HAN I TOLD YOU TO WATCH THE PIE AND BOIL WATER WHILE I RAN TO THE BODEGA"
"NO YOU TOLD ME TO WATCH THE KIDS" Han swore her eyes turned Sith yellow, he knew he fucked up.
"YES AND WATCH THE PIE AND BOIL WATER. FUCK I LEAVE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND YOU SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE"
"To be fair, it was only the pie and some of the living room. It wasn't my fault" Her body was shaking with rage and her face from the pale porcelain to a dark red. Luke walks in.
"Okay then answer me this. How are the oven and stove intact but I HAVE CHEWIE FOOT SIZE BURN HOLES IN MY FUCKING LIVING ROOM CARPET?!"
"I think I'll come back later" Luke says, about to walk out the door.
"LUKE YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE I KNOW YOU HARD A PART IN THIS!" Luke obeyed. 'Just play along Luke' Leia looked at him and he smirked.
"YEAH KID GO BOIL THE WATER AND WHY ARE YOU LATE?!" Han wanted to compete with Leia, even though he knew she'd win.
"OH NO YOU DON'T HAN! YOU GO BOIL THE WATER WHILE MY BROTHER AND I TRY TO CLEAN UP YOUR MESS, AGAIN" Leia screamed.
"Again? Name one other time I made a big mess- actually no don't do that"
"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED GO GIVE THE KIDS A BATH BECAUSE THEY'RE COVERED IN ASHES AND SOOT!" Luke walked closer to see how much
damage Han did.
"Holy shit Han. BOI YOU DUN FUCKED UP" Luke laughed at him and earned a scowl from both Han and Leia.
"ASK CHEWIE TO DO IT" Han shouted back at her. 'That fucking idiot' Luke communicated to her via Force.
She took a deep breath "CHEWIE ISN'T HERE YET FLYBOY!"
Han pathetically waved his hands, obviously mocking a jedi mind trick, "You will let Luke do all the chores." Leia smacked her forehead and got an idea.
"Fine, no sex for a month" Luke nearly choked at her statement.
Han gasped, "So, uh, what was that you wanted me to do sweetheart?" She smirked, 'Works every time' "Boil the children? Bathe the water?"
"Bathe the CHILDREN, BOIL the water" She was getting annoyed beyond belief.
"Is that not what I said?"
"YOU SAID BOIL THE CHILDREN DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE, YOU NEARLY HAD THE CHILDREN WELL DONE WHEN I WALKED IN THE DOOR!" The vein in Leia's
forehead clearly visible and her eyes were glowing yellow. Luke thought to himself, 'She about to go Sith Lord on this bitch, the Emperor would be so proud right now'
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I WILL BOIL THE CHILDREN AND BATHE THE WATER" This time he said it on purpose just to rile her up.
"HAN WOULD YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND FOR ONCE THINK BEFORE YOU RUN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH?! GO BATHE THE KIDS AND WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX FOR A WEEK NOW"
"Wait," he paused and thought for a moment. Wow he actually listened to Leia for once, "So does this count with the "no sex for a month" thing or are we degrading to just one week with no frickle frackling"
Luke piped up. "Han, I wouldn't do that. If you could only hear half the shit she's about to say to you, I suggest you do what you're told."
"Shut up and go back to your chores, the grown ups are discussing," he smirked "grown up things"
"You will boil the water and bathe the children" Luke used the jedi mind trick.
"I will boil the water and bathe the children while I kick your ass. Do you honestly think that would work on me?" Han said confidently.
"Yes you weak minded ass." Luke mumbled.
"Now, get the fuck outta my house" Han pointed towards the door.
Leia interjects, "Oh wait, that would mean that you would also have to clean up the ashes. Thank you Luke, you are free to leave" She grinned at Han, 'Gotcha sucker.'
"Oh well, thanks sis I will swing by later for dinner tonight. Sorry I couldn't stay. Have fun Han." He said sarcastically.
"See you later, Luke. Hopefully Han will have everything cleaned up when you arrive." She gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"If not I shall swing by tomorrow morning for breakfast!" He hugged her and waved Han goodbye. They both watched as the front door closed.
"HAN GET YOUR LAZY ASS OF THE COUCH AND FUCKING CLEAN UP THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!"
"I'M GOING THE BOIL THE CHILDREN LIKE YOU SAID"
"Fine," she spoke calmly. "You're going to be the one to tell people that our children died because of your cannibalistic act of boiling them." Han knew something was up.
"I will tell them it was because you told me to"
"Who would they believe? A smuggler or a princess?" She had a very good point, his reputation as a cheat and a liar certainly didn't help.
"Touche. I will get this done. Though I do want a BIG reward after." He smirked at her.
"We shall see." She turned to go to the bedroom. Han waited until she was out of view to grab her attention again.
"Two boiled Christmas babies coming right up my worshipfulness." There was a pause then he heard her yell.
"AND ONE DIVORCE AND MURDER CHARGES TO FOLLOW SCOUNDREL."
"I LOVE YOU!"
"I KNOW! NOW FUCKING CLEAN YOUR SHIT UP, WE HAVE GUESTS ARRIVING SOON!" Leia exclaimed.
"How does she do that?" He said out loud.
"What was that?" she called from the bedroom. She smirked, she knew exactly what he'd said.
"Nothing, sweetheart."
SOME HOURS LATER
After the fiasco that took place this morning, Luke and his girlfriend show up with casserole yet again. Chewie came was with his wife and three cubs and Lando arrived shortly after.
"Turkey's almost finished, sorry we won't be have pie today." Leia spoke sadly.
"Are you okay, Leia?" Lando walked up and pressed his hand against her forehead. "You always have pie!"
"You can blame that on Han." Luke piped up.
"Oh hell, what did he do this time?" Lando rolled his eyes. Leia put the turkey on the table.
"I didn't pay attention to Leia's instructions, like I always do, and nearly burnt the house down. Though it's amazing that I only made burn holes in the carpet but the kitchen is intact." Everybody looked behind to see Han standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "Did I say something?"
Leia walked up and kissed him passionately, "You finally admitted to your own wrongdoing, I'm so proud of you." She gave him another peck. She handed a plate of turkey to everyone.
"Alright lovebirds, save it for the bedroom."
"Ah come on Lando, just cuz you haven't come out of the closet doesn't mean you can't tell me and my wife how to act." Luke spit out his bantha milk and Leia choked on her turkey.
"Oh my god you're gay?" Leia asked.
"NO I AM NOT GAY! HAN WHAT THE FUCK!" Lando yelled back at Han.
"Lando we wouldn't judge you even if you were." Leia reassured him.
"SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I'M NOT FUCKING GAY! I HAVE A SON!" There were audible gasps and glasses were heard shattering.
"You prick, you didn't tell me you were gay and had a son?" Han was blown away.
"FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT GAY! I'M MARRIED TO A WOMAN!" Lando screamed at them.
"Back up. Lando has a son?" Chewie spoke.
"Yeah, I do. His name is Finn." Lando replied.
"OKAY EVERYBODY STOP FOR A SECOND!" Luke's girlfriend interrupted. "Okay, we've established that Lando is not gay, second did Chewie just speak English?"
"No, I mean uh," Chewie hesitated for a moment, "Argh, Arrrrrrgh Arrrrrghh?"
"The jig is up Chewie" Han somberly replied.
"You knew?" They all said in unison.
"I'm his best friend, of course I knew!" Han stated.
"Isn't Lando your best friend too? Then why didn't you know he has a son named Finn?" Luke's girlfriend had an excellent point.
"Alright, you got me there." Han shoved another, rather large, piece of turkey in his mouth.
"As much as I'd love to sit and chat with you guys all night, I have to get back to the Clouds before the morning otherwise I'll be a dead son of bitch." Lando got up from the table and bid everyone goodnight. "Bye guys, we'll have to have dinner in the clouds next time."
"That'd be great." Han said.
"I only have one request. Leia needs to either bake the pie in the kitchen in the Clouds or bring her signature pie with her. What do you put in in that makes it so damn good?"
"Ah ah, a magician never reveals their secret!"
"Alright, good night everyone."
"Night, I think I should be heading home too. Bye sis." Luke said grabbing his girlfriend's hand. "It was good seeing you again."
"Thanks for boring us with casserole again Luke." Han said.
"Thanks for nearly killing my niece and nephew this morning." Luke gave him a hug.
"You're welcome, kid."
"Uh hello. Why are you thanking him for nearly killing our babies today?"
"Leia I was kidding. I should force choke him."
"Hold on a second," Leia focused. Han started choking. "There."
"Remind me never to get on your bad side!" Luke's girlfriend chuckled as they walked out the door.
"Thanks for coming guys!" Leia let Han out of the force choke. "I love you." She kissed him passionately.
"I know." Han replied trying to catch his breath.