Ezra was numb. It was as if his mind and body couldn't even begin to fully process what had happened to him. Subconsciously, he was aware he was shaking, aware of how much pain his arm was in, aware of how much his chest hurt. But he continued focusing on the problems at hand, as if his mind and body were in the background and he was doing things without thinking or feeling.

He had already told Chopper to alert the base that they would need serious medical attention upon arrival. After taking the mask off Kanan and seeing what his face looked like…. Ezra wasn't sure he was feeling anything at that point. He should have felt guilt, shock, horror. But he felt nothing. He was completely and utterly numb.

Looking back, Ezra could hardly remember putting those bacta bandages on Kanan's eyes. He wasn't sure why the details were so vague to him. Maybe it was all just too much to take in.

After landing, after Hera took Kanan to the medbay, Ezra couldn't keep it together any longer. He ran. He ran until his legs gave out from underneath him. He ran until he was a crying, screaming mess on the dusty outskirts of the Atollon base.

He had vague memories of Zeb finding him, carrying him to the medbay as well. Telling him everything would turn out all right. That was when Ezra realized he wasn't numb anymore. Everything hurt. His mind, his heart, his chest, his arm.

He must have passed out in Zeb's arms, for he awoke to daylight, to a medbay bed and to Hera sitting by his side. She explained to him why he was there, she asked him if he was okay. Ezra knew he wasn't okay, but he didn't know how to express that in words.

Hera told him he was in the medbay for exhaustion and an electrocuted and broken arm. Ezra remembered looking down at his body, seeing an IV in his arm, and a bacta cast on the other. Hera told him Kanan was there too, heavily sedated. Ezra was told he would live, he would be sightless. Sightless but fine.

There was ringing in Ezra's ears when Hera told him that. And after that, he didn't remember anything she said to him.

Ezra was sure he was being given some sort of sedative while he was in the medbay. His memories of it were sporadic and fuzzy, like they were part of someone else's life and not his own.

After two days, on shaking legs, he was discharged. Sent back to the Ghost, with Hera carefully helping him there, making sure he didn't fall.

He remembered the numbness returning, sitting in the galley with a blanket wrapped around him. Hera telling him in a tearful voice that Kanan was blind. That there was no way to fix it. That he would be coming home to the Ghost in a few days' time. Ezra felt nothing at Hera's declaration. He supposed some part of him knew that would be the outcome from the moment he saw Kanan's face on the way back to Atollon.

Time passed, and Ezra's numbness only increased. Kanan came home, and Ezra couldn't bare to talk to him. He spent hours in that cold numbness, doing nothing, unfeeling. He wasn't allowed to go on missions until his arm healed, and even then, Hera had noticed his despondency and told him a mental evaluation would have to be done before he could go back on duty as well.

Ezra couldn't seem to care about it. He wanted to care. He wanted to feel emotion again. He just didn't know how.

Two days after his bacta cast came off, Ezra lay in bed, staring at the blank ceiling above him. That was when he felt it. His first emotion since the medbay. That feeling of pulsing power, of anger and frustration. He remembered being prompted, almost pulled to jump out of bed and take action.

That was the first time he retrieved the holocron since that horrible, horrible day. He felt his anger, his guilt, his frustration flowing through him like an open wound. And that was the first time Ezra Bridger opened it.

XxXxXxXx

I've been having writer's block for You're Gonna Carry That Weight this week, but I still wanted to write something. When I sat down to write, this wasn't at all what I had in mind. It kinda just happened. I hope you guys enjoy it regardless.

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