English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
Hope for Tomorrow
Meyrin Hawke had always seen him as a person who was good at hiding his feelings.
He was usually calm, cool, and collected, to the extent that some people had described him as cold, whether they really thought so or they just wanted to say mean things about him. However, she didn't agree with them. Not that she outright denied what they said; she didn't like causing conflicts. So she kept her opinion to herself, but inwardly argued with them.
He might be a difficult person: stern, reserved, gloomy, and hard to get along with. He was certainly not a passionate person, but not a cold person, either. He cared about people around him and tried to act kindly to others, like the time when he had guided her out of the crowd because she had been "pushed."
The incident had actually been surprising to her. She had not expected him to react that way. In fact, she had not really expected him to react in any way. The person she had wanted to draw a reaction from was her sister. She had also imagined him to act coolly and impassively like her blond comrade, who was also a Red Coat and maturer than other boys and whom she felt somewhat attracted to as well. The two seemed like the same type.
But her action had led to an unexpected result. He was kinder than the blond and paid some attention to her, or at least to her safety, which increased her interest in him and attracted her more to him. She had started to pay closer attention to him after that, not just to his status but also to his personality, and decided he was a nicer person than many people thought.
It was just that he wasn't good at, or didn't like, showing his emotions. Or maybe he was just shy with new people, she started to think after she had come to the Archangel. He seemed to be more expressive than when he had been on the Minerva, though he was still far from passionate.
When she found out about the relationship between his ex-fiancée and his best friend, and many times after that, she wondered whether he was as fine with it as he appeared. Had he had no hard feelings in the first place because it had been only an arranged engagement? Or had he already gotten over them?
Or was he still hurt and upset to some extent, but pretending he wasn't? Because he didn't want them to know, or because he didn't know how to let it out? She thought it was pretty likely. Maybe that was why he didn't seem to be interested in having a relationship.
If her speculation was true, however, she couldn't know for sure. He was hard to read. Since he had arrived at the Minerva as a Red Coat and FAITH, she had been watching him stealthily, and yet most of the times she had not been able to tell what he was feeling.
That was why she was so surprised, even shocked, when she looked at him one day and could clearly see what he was feeling at that time.
He wasn't looking at her. He was looking at her.
And his eyes were full of emotions. There seemed to be so many that she couldn't figure out what those were: longing, sadness, loneliness, caring, worry, frustration, pride, admiration, adoration, trust, satisfaction, happiness, or affection. Maybe all of them. Maybe more. Or maybe it was just one emotion so powerful and deep that it appeared to contain everything.
The only thing she was sure about was that he was feeling...love. So much love.
She wasn't even in the same room. She was on the TV screen, miles away, while she was right next to him. But she felt as if she was the one million miles away from him.
They were working on a mobile suit together. She had looked up to ask him about the progress, only to find him staring at the TV screen. His stare had been so intense that she became afraid something bad had happened. She had quickly looked at the screen herself and felt relieved to find out that the news seemed to be harmless. She had been giving a speech, and for a while, she had listened and admired her voice filled with passion and sincerity.
She had turned to him to say something, but completely forgotten what she had been going to say the moment her eyes landed on him. She stared at him, not quite believing her eyes. Not only had she never seen him show so many emotions so clearly, but she had never really thought he was capable of such passion.
Some time later, it seemed she had finished the speech and the news had moved on to something else. She didn't really know because she was looking at nothing but him and could hear nothing but her own heartbeat which had quickened for some reason. She just guessed so since he had looked back down at his work.
She still couldn't take her eyes off him. He looked as usual: calm, cool, and collected. The emotions she had just witnessed seemed to have gone into hiding. Yes, he was definitely good at hiding his emotions, whether he did it intentionally or not.
She wanted to talk to him, to say something, anything, to him even if only to make him look at her for a second. But she couldn't find her voice. Or maybe she simply didn't know what to say. Her mind was filled with so many things she wanted to tell him, yet felt blank at the same time.
So she just kept staring at him for a long time, saying nothing. And all that time, he didn't notice her stare or look at her even once, just like every other time before that.
Meyrin Hawke had been hoping that someday he would look at her and love her.
She thought it might be fate that had brought him to her during his attempt to desert ZAFT, brought her a chance to make him notice her. At that time, she had not been able to think about anything but to help him. Partly because it would allow her to be with him for a longer time; partly because she didn't want him to get killed especially since she didn't think he was a bad person who deserved such a fate. She had not really thought about the gravity of her decision.
She had been frightened after realizing that what she had done was serious enough to cost her her life and that even though she had survived, she might never be able to return to her country and her family. She probably would have felt completely devastated and lost if he had not let her come with him, let her stay around him. It made her feel relieved and somewhat protected. At least she still had someone to rely on, and it was none other than the guy she had been admiring.
She felt much closer to him now, and actually was. She tended to his wounds, helped him so that he could move around while he still had a difficulty walking on his own; they often worked side by side to protect the warship, the country, and the people that seemed quite important to him. Important enough to choose to engage in fighting despite his serious injuries.
It would be a lie to say she had not expected him to love her at all after everything that had happened between them, after everything she had done for him. Although she had not exactly been helping him because she expected his love in return, she couldn't help but have some hope.
He was now seeing her not as just one of his comrades but someone distinctive, someone he had a kind of unique connection with. He always treated her nicely and cared about her well-being. She knew it was out of guilt and gratitude, but those feelings could turn into love after a time, right?
She couldn't stop hoping, especially now that she knew that the girl who she had thought was his fiancée was only a fake, and that his engagement had been canceled long before. Not to mention his ex-fiancée was in a relationship with someone else. He seemed to be single after all.
It seemed too good to be true, but something like this actually happened once in a while, right? Some dreams could actually come true, right?
Her hope faltered when she sensed there was obviously something between him and her. Some kind of bond. Something more than mere comradeship, or friendship. She couldn't tell exactly what it was.
She couldn't even tell exactly what made her suspicious about them. Was it the way he looked at her, or talked about her? Was it the way they looked at each other's eyes, which she had seen once? Or was it the way other people talked about them or talked to him about her? She didn't know.
But they couldn't be in a relationship, right? She had a fiancé. Or at least she had had before. She didn't think he was the type of guy who messed with someone else's fiancée. He seemed too nice and principled for that.
Then again, she knew the engagement was a political match, not a love match. Not to mention it seemed like she had escaped from the wedding. Was it possible that he and she secretly had loved each other? Or at least he had unrequited feelings for her? Could it be even that they had dated before the engagement had been arranged or something like that? And they were considering getting back together since the engagement had been broken?
There were many possibilites, unpleasant possibilities. No one told her the true nature of their relationship. She couldn't figure it out on her own, and didn't ask. Partly because she didn't want people to think she was nosy, especially at a place where she was a newcomer and a former enemy; partly because she wasn't sure whether she really wanted to know. She hoped it was her imagination. Maybe it would go away if she was just ignoring it for a while.
Her hope was rekindled when she asked her to take care of him. If she could let him go off to war in space while she stayed behind on Earth, and on top of that, entrust him to another girl, she surely didn't love him, did she? There was nothing between them after all.
...She knew it wasn't entirely true. She saw her eyes and knew that she cared a lot about him. Probably loved him even.
But if so, how could she not come with him when he was heading for a big battle? He was still recovering, and speaking of which, she had not seen her while attending to him in the infirmary.
Maybe she had been mistaken. If she had not cared about him enough to come to check whether he was all right, then she didn't love him much, did she? Sure, she knew she had been busy taking care of her country. But if they loved each other, or at least she loved him, she would surely want to stay with him all the time and take care of him. If she really loved him, then she would have entrusted the country, not him, to someone else, right? Instead of giving another girl a chance to get closer to him while she wasn't around, which might result in him choosing that girl—her—over her. She couldn't bear taking such a risk if her love for him was true, right?
Maybe that was what she had meant when they talked? Maybe he and she had decided to break up or not get back together because she couldn't provide enough care for him. Because she didn't love him much. Because she didn't love him enough.
Then, she might have a big—bigger than she had thought—chance, considering the care she had given him. She was willing to stay by his side and provide him with care and support as long as he let her. Caring for and supporting the guy she loved, and who hopefully loved her, was just what she would love to do. And she loved him enough to do anything to be with him. Even fighting against her country, her friends, and her sister.
Maybe he wanted that kind of girl and she knew it? Maybe that was why she had asked her, not anyone else, to take care of him. Because she had thought she was good for him.
As if encouraging her hopeful thinking, he didn't look upset after the Archangel left Orb, leaving her behind. He seemed a little distant, but it wasn't unusual for him.
Even though he was good at hiding his feelings, he couldn't be this calm if the girl he loved had refused to stay by his side despite his condition, could he? He would probably be upset and try to avoid anything that reminded him of her decision to choose her country over him. But he appeared to have no problem talking about her or watching her on TV doing her job. Sometimes he even smiled.
Seeing him smile made her a little uneasy. The smile was warm and genuine, not the polite one he gave most people including her.
But he smiled a similar smile when he talked to or about his best friend. So she convinced herself that his smile was actually a good sign. It was a sign that he wasn't hers. That it was possible for her to have him. He might have loved her before, and obviously still cared about her, but only as a very close friend or something, like he cared about his ex-fiancée.
Although he still didn't look at her the way she wanted him to, she hoped he would. Maybe not now, but after the war ended. They would have more time and less worry, and be able to think about the future.
Maybe he was waiting to get into a relationship until then because right now, dealing with the war was the top priority? It sounded like him. Maybe it was the reason why he had shown no interest in girls. Maybe it was the reason why he had not yet noticed her feelings for him.
If that was the case, all she had to do was wait. Wait until the war ended. Wait until he finally looked at her, realized she had been loving him, and loved her back. She dreamed that there might be the future for her and him. They might have a life together. A happy life.
However, the dream didn't last long. When she saw his eyes that day, she had to admit that he loved her. There was no way for her to ignore the fact laid bare before her eyes. And she didn't really want to.
Well, she wanted to, but couldn't bring herself to. How could she? How could she convince herself that she had seen nothing or it was all her imagination? When it was everything she wanted? When it was what she had been secretly hoping for?
His emotions. His love. And her love.
Even though she had not known much about her while both still had been aboard the same warship, she had come to know her better after she had left it. It was unavoidable considering that she usually spent time with her best friend, her brother, and him who could be her boyfriend—or ex-boyfriend—let alone that the Archangel crew seemed to know her well, not only officially but personally.
As she heard about her, and the stories of her and him, she had gradually understood she really loved him. She had entrusted him to her not because she didn't love him but because she did. Because she cared about him. About his safety. About his happiness. More than her own. She loved him enough to let him go even if it broke her heart.
After she saw his love for her, she couldn't help but realize that he loved her just as much. That he had not given her up, and had no intention to.
She had set him free because she loved him, and he would return to her because he loved her. It was as simple as that.
She still felt like asking him to look at her. She wanted to tell him she needed him more than she who was strong enough to fight with a mobile suit or lead a country without him. She might even insist, out of desperation, that she loved him more than she did, which could be true—if you measured love by the amount of caregiving or that of sacrifice, or that of desperation.
However, they didn't see love that way. They didn't love like that. He didn't love like that.
He didn't love her because she was always by his side. He didn't love her because she provided him with care. He didn't love her because she put him before everything else. He didn't love her because she tried to keep him no matter what.
He wasn't going to love her because she stayed by his side and followed him wherever he went. He wasn't going to love her because she took good care of him. He wasn't going to love her because she had sacrificed so much for him. He wasn't going to love her because she would do anything for him, to have him.
He loved her because of who she was, not what she did.
And it was exactly what she wanted. She wanted to be loved by him like that. She wanted to love him like that. She wanted to have a relationship like that with him. A relationship to which distance meant nothing.
What she wanted more than anything was right in front of her. Only it didn't belong to her. Or she didn't belong to it. It was right there, yet beyond her reach.
To be honest, she didn't want to admit it. Who did? She wanted to believe that there was still hope. That it was still possible for her to have all of that if she kept on hoping. But she knew it was a false hope.
Meyrin Hawke wasn't a fool. She might not be one of the greatest minds in the world, or even in her schools. She had not done very well in school, though her grades had not been very bad, either. Her sister, and some of her friends, often teased her, saying she was silly and childish.
However, she was smart in her own way. She wasn't one for logic; she was one for emotions and instincts. Her emotions guided her and her instincts told her what to do. Like the time she had helped him escape.
That was how she knew he would never love her. Not the way he loved her, anyway. It wasn't logical thinking. She just knew. She knew it at the moment she saw his love for her. She knew he would never love her like that. He would never give her that love because he already had someone he loved like that.
That kind of love didn't go away easily or completely. It would always stay inside his heart and he would keep loving her even if he would ever love someone else.
He wasn't the kind of person who gave up his love easily, either. He was the kind of person who didn't easily fall in love but once he did, would cherish his love dearly and fight hard for it. He was the kind of person who would never completely let go someone he loved.
She just knew he was that kind of person.
As much as she wanted his love, she knew his love for her could never be the same as the love she had seen in his eyes that day. Not as strong. Not as intense. Not as deep. Not as passionate. Not as sincere. Not as desperate.
If she had not seen it, she might not have realized that. Maybe she could have found a way to make him give her up and choose her, no matter how long it took. Maybe she could have believed that she would have him all to herself once he chose her. Maybe she could have been happy with him even though he would never give that love to her.
Maybe.
If only she had not seen his love for her on the fateful day. If only she didn't admire that love so much and want it so badly.
Yes, she wanted it very much. That was the problem. She wanted the love she had seen that day. The look, the emotions he had had that day. She wanted them to be hers. She wished they had been.
Only they weren't.
They weren't for her. They were for her and her alone.
Even if she could ever have him, marry him, and spend the rest of their lives together, he would never give her that love. He would never look at her with that look. His eyes would never be that full of emotions while looking at her.
And she would never be really happy with what he could give her, knowing he was capable of more than that, much much more. She would always be craving for what he was never going to give her. She would always be wanting more from him and never be getting what she wanted.
She knew it. She just knew it.
When she had seen that love of his, the fate had been sealed. At that moment, the possibility of her having a happy life with him, which had still existed however little it was, had disappeared into thin air. All her hope was gone.
When she realized that, she cried for a long, long time. She wished hard that she had not seen it or she could be foolish enough to still give it a try. But she had and she couldn't.
Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, she reluctantly admitted after a while. She wanted to be happy. She wanted to be loved by someone with all his heart. She wanted to be loved more than anything, anyone.
She had no chance for that with him. Maybe she had never had. Even if she had not seen his love for her that day, she might have come to think she couldn't be really happy with him because there would always be another woman in his heart. Another woman he had loved—and maybe, probably, still loved and would always love—more than anyone. She might have come to realize she would always come second—at best—sooner or later.
Then, sooner was better than later, right?
The sooner she realized it, the shorter she would have waited for him. The shorter she had waited, the less strong her love for him would have become. The less strong it had become, the less pain she would suffer while giving him up. And the sooner she gave him up, the better chance she would have.
Chance for love, even if it wasn't his. Chance to have a happy life, even if it wasn't with him.
It wasn't what she had wanted. It was different from what she had been hoping for. But still, it was good enough, wasn't it? If she could love someone more than anyone, be loved more than anyone, and be happy, it didn't have to be with him, did it? Just because she had wanted, and still wanted, him to be that someone, it didn't mean no one else could be, right? Even though she still loved him, she would be able to find someone else to love, right? Maybe not soon, but someday.
Someday, she could find someone she could love more than him, right? It was possible, wasn't it? Maybe that person wouldn't have as excellent status as he did, wouldn't be as ideal for a boyfriend as he was. But it was still all right if that person loved her more than anyone, right?
And maybe, just maybe, she could be much, much happier with that person than she could have ever been with him. Maybe, some years later, she would be grateful that she had seen his love for her that day and given him up. Maybe she would be happily talking and laughing about it, with someone she loved. With someone who loved her.
In order for that to happen, however, she had to let him go. She had to give him up and move on.
It was something true but hard to accept. It was never easy to let go someone you loved. She briefly wondered if it had been as painful for her to let him go. Maybe...probably...definitely...if not more. Although it was hard, she had to admit she must have suffered and be suffering more than she was. Probably much more. After all, it was more difficult to let go someone who was yours than someone who had never been.
While struggling to give him up, she gained a better understanding of just how much she loved him. It hurt her to admit she probably loved him more than she ever had.
But it somehow made her feel better as well. It made her more confident that she was doing the right thing. She was on the right track for finding her happiness. The more she understood about her love for him, and his love for her, the more certain she became that it was what she wanted. She also became more hopeful that she would be able to get what she wanted someday. Then, even this pain and suffering was worth having, maybe.
So she made up her mind. Even though she chose to join the Orb's military and work along with him as an Orb soldier after the war, it wasn't because she was going to keep waiting for him to look at her and love her someday. No, she would move on. And she felt staying in Orb would be good for her, helping her do so.
After leaving ZAFT with him, away from her sister whom she had often felt inferior to and depended on and her home country where she had spent her whole life, she had seen and experienced many things she had not known or even dreamed of. About this world, about other people, and about herself. Her world seemed to have expanded greatly.
She wanted to continue to flow with this tide that had brought her here and see where it was going to bring her. Hopefully, she could find her happiness on the way. Plus, she wanted to keep observing closely the people who had made her realize what she wanted most.
She wanted that love she had seen that day. And therefore, she had to move on. She knew it. Because the only way for her to have it was to acquire her own. Love meant for her, not someone else. She wanted to find someone who could give that love to her. Someone meant for her.
Meyrin Hawke used to love fairy tales as a child. She had dreamed to be a princess someday and find her Prince Charming, her true love.
She was still romantic, dreamy, and a sucker for romance, but she had given up on the idea of true love many years ago. She had decided there wasn't really something like true love or someone meant for her. They existed in only little girl's dreams.
However, after she had seen his love for her, she had not been so sure of that. She couldn't help thinking that maybe fairy tales weren't so unrealistic after all. What she had seen that day, and days after that while observing him and her, seemed to be something which was supposed to exist only in fairy tales.
Well, not exactly. He wasn't a perfect prince; she wasn't a perfect princess. Their relationship wasn't as perfect or beautiful as fairytale romances. Some things she had heard about them weren't so pretty.
However, it was those bitter stories that made her think their love might be something called true love, or something very close to it. She thought so not just because they loved each other deeply, but because they loved each other deeply despite their faults, mistakes, misunderstandings, and conflicts.
While hearing painful stories of them, she had wondered how in the universe their love had been able to survive such tough times. She didn't think she could have overcome such hardships if she had been in their place. Not to mention what she had heard was only part of their story. She was sure they had suffered much more than she knew. And yet, somehow they had been keeping their love alive.
That was why she admired their love so much. Much more than when she had known only the beautiful part of their story.
Their love seemed so perfect because they weren't perfect. Their story seemed so beautiful because not all parts of it were beautiful. They didn't love each other because the other person was perfect. They didn't treasure their relationship because it had always been beautiful, happy, and easy to hold onto.
They loved each other even though the other person had faults and had hurt them. They treasured their relationship even though it had sometimes made them suffer. They had continued to love each other even though it was easier to just give up on the other person.
And that was how true love was supposed to be, wasn't it?
Their love wasn't like the love a prince and a princess in a fairy tale had. Their love story wasn't of fairy tales, but of real life. Of imperfect people. Of pain and sufferings. Of the harsh reality where even people who loved each other deeply could end up hurting each other.
That was why she thought their story was much more fascinating than fairy tales. And much more encouraging.
She had lost faith in fairy tales, in true love, because she knew that she, or anyone for that matter, couldn't be that perfect. That no one could have such a perfect life. Fairy tales were simply too perfect to be true. Too beautiful to keep believing in.
But their story wasn't. It had given her hope that she could actually find true love even though she wasn't perfect.
It also had taught her the most important thing about love. If she wanted love, she had to accept the ugly part of it. The part where she had to suffer because of love or someone she loved. That was how love in reality worked. Unlike fairy tales, you couldn't have only the beautiful part. As much as love made you feel great, it hurt you. If you tried to avoid getting hurt, you would be running away from love.
And someone meant for you wasn't someone perfect in your eyes, someone who never did things unacceptable to you. It was someone you could love despite their faults, someone you could continue to love even after they did something you couldn't accept.
Someone you could forgive and accept; someone who could forgive and accept you.
It was easy to love someone when they did everything you wanted them to, when they did nothing you didn't want them to. It was easy to treasure a relationship when it brought you only joy and happiness. However, in reality, people you loved didn't always meet all your expectations. Your relationship sometimes brought you sorrow and anguish, made you cry and suffer.
Loving someone was difficult, not only because the other person wasn't perfect, but also because you two were different persons, with different opinions, perspectives, and values.
But that was why love was such a wonderful thing, wasn't it? So precious. So worth having. So worth fighting for.
Love made you a better person; when you loved someone, you could learn to forgive people who had made mistakes and accept people who were different from you. Love made you happy; when you were loved, you would be forgiven for mistakes you made and accepted despite your differences. And you could truly appreciate people who loved you only when you loved someone and learned how hard it was.
And when two people shared that kind of love, it was called true love, wasn't it?
When two people shared that kind of love, you could say they were meant for each other, couldn't you?
Fairy tales were fairy tales. They weren't real. There was nothing like "And they lived happily ever after" in reality. There was no way you found someone special and then everything would always be perfect. Even after the happiest moment of your life, there would still be times of sadness, angst, and despair. Your life would never be perfect.
However, it didn't have to mean there was nothing like true love or someone meant for you in reality, right? If he and she were meant for each other and what they shared was true love, it meant she could also find her true love, right? It meant there was someone meant for her, right?
It might be a crazy idea. Even if it was true, the possibility of her finding true love wasn't so high. She knew it. She wasn't a fool.
But still, there was hope. The hope they had given her. The hope that became stronger every time she looked at them.
There would always be tomorrow. Tomorrow they had believed in. Tomorrow they had wanted to have. Tomorrow they had fought for. Tomorrow when people might be able to accomplish something that they once had thought was impossible.
Meyrin Hawke was going to live that tomorrow, seeking her true love, someone meant for her. Someone who would love her the way he loved her. Someone she could love the way she loved him.
That was what she had learned during the war. Believing in tomorrow. Never giving up hope. Because it was the only way you could get what you wanted.
So that was what she was determined to do.
The End
I see Meyrin as a person who is dreamy and down-to-earth at the same time, if it makes any sense. And I tried to portray her just like that in this fic: romantic, hopeful, tend to do wishful thinking, but smart enough to know when to give up, when to accept the reality.
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By the way, I was rereading another Meyrin-centric AC fanfic that was posted a little while ago, after I finished writing and while editing this fic. And I realized there were a few similarities between that fic and mine.
So I thought I better give an explanation.
I wasn't inspired to write this fic by that one. The idea came to me about a year ago and I wrote some, but then had writer's block and left it unfinished for a while. In the beginning or the middle of December, my muse suddenly showed up and I started writing this fic again. I finished writing in the middle of January. During the time, I read that fic and I think I got influenced to some extent, though I hadn't realized that until I reread it.
So I can say though I wasn't inspired by that fic to write this one, I was inspired to continue and finish writing it. I was also inspired by other AC fanfics focusing on Meyrin.
And I'd really like to thank all the authors. Without those fics, this fic wouldn't exist.
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(Additional note after revising)
I had felt for a while that I hadn't really treated Meyrin well in this fic since this fic was much more about AC than about her. So I decided to revise it and make it more about her.
*revised 02/20/18*