TITLE: Not Afraid
AUTHOR: Caroline
SPOILERS: Series thru "Existence"
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Mulder, Scully, William or any other XF characters. CC has full ownership and I'm using them without permission. I'm such a rebel ;)
SUMMARY: Scully's not afraid anymore.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This originally started as a post-Existence story including Bill Jr. coming to see little William, but as I started delving into the Scully POV I realized I had a different story to tell.

The truth we both know. That truth is quite evident as we pull away from our long, passionate kiss. It becomes even more evident as Mulder dusts his mouth to mine one more time and whispers, "I love you."

Two years ago, I brushed off the same declaration, said in that same tone of voice, with a flippant, "Oh, brother." I wasn't ready to accept it then. Now, looking at the man that's held my heart for eight years... the man that's now holding our infant son... I'm ready. "I love you too."

His eyes sparkle joyously, and for a moment I'm struck dumb. I want to cry and laugh at the same time. I'm such an idiot. We wasted so much time being afraid... him being afraid that I'd abandon him if I knew he loved me... and me just being plain afraid of his love for me. I'm not too proud to admit that the thought of Mulder being in love with me used to scare the hell out of me.

From the moment we met, he's come off as such an intense person. So passionate, so unrelenting. His passion was first shown in his search for his sister, his undying persistence to bring her back to him, after all these years. Then... I can't pinpoint when it was exactly, but... his passion shifted. Onto me. And it scared the bejeesus out of me. I first started to notice things after I returned from my abduction. He focused on me a lot more than he used to. It seemed I had become his top priority, his number one concern. And while secretly I revelled in the feeling, my fear made me push that away; made me push him away.

Mulder's intensity was what was frightening to me. If I were to let myself go, allow myself to love him, I'd get sucked into that white-hot intensity and I'd be lost, like star matter caught in the rings of Saturn, orbiting the planet forever. I could easily lose myself in Mulder, and like that star matter, I'd be orbiting him forever. So for years I told myself I didn't want to be in Mulder's orbit. I couldn't be. I had a job to do... we had a job to do... and we couldn't lose sight of that.

Then, as the years went on, I found myself being pulled more firmly to Mulder. The cancer helped that along quite a bit. He was so scared for me, and I was scared to leave him. That's when our deep connection began to make itself known to me. Maybe it was just the tumor, but... I could feel him, sense him, whether he was near me or not. I could sense him in ways I'd never been able to sense another's presence in my life. The cancer weakened my resolve where he was concerned... especially toward the end. When I was in the hospital, certain I was on my death bed, and he came to see me... those few kisses he pressed to my cheek or to my knuckles were what kept me functioning. His love was no longer frightening, so close to death. If anything, it helped me hang on as long as I could.

Then, he found a cure. In his passionate, desperate attempts to keep me with him, he found me a cure, in the form of a microchip at the base of my neck. My cancer went into remission and, as a result, his love began to scare me once more. From that point, he never left my side if at all possible. He wanted to be there for everything. He was devastated when he found out how long it took me to call him about Emily. He had even wanted to be there for that.

When I saw how good he was with her, how easily he made her smile, it was then that a pang of realization struck my heart: I wanted to be with him. I needed to be with him. And, though I knew I was barren at the time, I wanted to create a family with him. If I was being honest, I wanted our family to consist of the two of us, and Emily. But that, as I realized shortly after, was not meant to be.

Somebody else must have realized our growing love for one another, because that was when the real test started. Abductions, cancer... sure, we could overcome all that. Instead of more diseases, more tragedies, they tossed an obstacle in our way that would shatter most couples... an obstacle by the name of Diana Fowley. Even now, hearing her name in my head makes my blood boil, despite the sick sort of comfort I derive knowing that she's dead. Mulder shared a past with her, a past that I to this day don't understand and don't really want to understand. The fact that he had a past with her was enough. Still is.

She drove a wedge between us for awhile, using her hold over Mulder to gain his trust again... thus pinning him against me, our proverbial horns locking over this, that, and the other. For awhile it seemed we were constantly fighting, sometimes even purposely picking fights with one another, like a married couple teetering on the edge of divorce. It took one blowout fight in front of the Gunmen to send everything up in smoke. I was sure it was over then. But, by some sort of miracle, we overcame it. Mulder realized the error of his ways in trusting Diana, and we rebuilt our relationship. Things seemed to get better and better from there on out.

We began to get closer... closer than ever before, actually. Part of that was due to a rather close-call we had late into our sixth year together, when a man named Philip Padgett burst into our lives and nearly tore us, literally, apart. Padgett had not only almost killed me, but he'd revealed a rather terrifying secret about me to Mulder. That I was in love. Mulder knew it was him, though we never talked about it. It was like we silently made a vow not to outwardly talk about it, but to take measures to move forward in our relationship.

That move forward was made in one giant leap last New Year's. Mulder kissed me... really kissed me... no if's, and's or bees, at the turn of the millenium. It was a simple kiss, a rather chaste kiss... but held far too long to be platonic. The breathtaking smile he gave me when we pulled away seared my heart, and I wasn't as afraid anymore. Things progressed naturally from there. We shared another kiss later that night, after I'd driven him home and insisted that he get some actual sleep. He'd leered at me and made a comment that, after that kiss, he'd sleep like a baby... also hinting that the dreams he would have, would surely send him into a cold shower in the morning.

My heart had fluttered at the words, sleazy as they were, but I had rolled my eyes, content to stay in my role of annoyed partner. He'd grinned at me from his spot beside me on his leather couch, and I said goodnight. As I had been scooting toward the edge of the couch to rise to my feet, he placed his palm on my face and drew my gaze to his. That smile... that same smile that was on his face after we kissed the first time... was there again, and when he leaned toward me I didn't even try to stop him. Not even when we were almost out of breath, reclining on his couch several minutes later.

It was then that we secretly began dating. Nobody would have known to look at us. We were still just Mulder and Scully... or, as most of the people in the Bureau still liked to call us, Mr. and Mrs. Spooky. We were still professional as ever. Sure, I probably flirted with him a hell of a lot more on the job than I'd like to admit. One instance of putzing with his tie immediately flits through my mind at the thought, but hey, it took us seven years to reach that point. I think, then, I'd reasoned that I deserved a few indulgences.

We didn't come together as lovers until late into our seventh year together, after a particularly long weekend apart. He'd gone to England to look into some crop circle things which turned out to be a bust... while I was confronted by the ghosts of my past, thus making me realize just what an amazing thing I had right in front of me. When we came together, it was incredible... better than my wildest fantasies and dreams ever were. I can't help but muse now that perhaps it wouldn't have been as good if we'd gone to bed together earlier in our partnership. After seven years we had plenty of time to fall in love in every aspect, with each other's good qualities and the more annoying ones. We had time to really know each other, inside and out, without a romantic entanglement. We had plenty of time to realize that this was it. Plus, seven years of emotional and intellectual foreplay... I don't think I really need to say anything more.

This new aspect of our relationship caused us to be even more secretive... still allowing our brief indulgences, but keeping a professional air. When Mulder was taken, though, it was a whole different story. I was left pregnant and alone, and somebody had to know. That somebody was Skinner. Though he was still my boss, he knew Mulder and I better than anyone else in the whole damn Bureau, and we trusted him. So I confided in him. I told him I was pregnant, and though he never once asked who the father was, it was quite obvious that he knew. I think that's part of the reason he worked so hard to bring Mulder back to me.

Mulder did come back to me... dead at first, but by some miraculous turn, came back to life. A lot of time had passed, then. We both had changed. I had a new partner, was even growing quite fond of him as the weeks and months passed, and Mulder was coping with whatever horrors he encountered on that ship. Our relationship was strained, to say the least. Mulder often wondered aloud about the paternity of my child, which at the time would both hurt me and be understandable. How could he have doubted my loyalty to him? Surely, even after all he'd been though, he must have known... must have seen on my face... how very much I loved him. Love him. I could never and will never love another man to the extent that I love Fox Mulder.

I have had sexual relationships with other men... Daniel, Jack; I have cared very deeply for other men... Ethan, John Doggett; but I never truly loved any of them. I was no longer afraid of my love for Mulder. Even in the face of his uncertainty and slight distrust, I was not afraid.

"What are you thinking?" Mulder's voice, soft so as not to disturb our now soundly-sleeping son, breaks through my thoughts.

A smile touches my lips, a smile I'm no longer afraid to aim at him, for fear of the consequences. "I'm thinking..." I brush my lips to his briefly and feel him sigh against them. When I pull away, both of us are beaming -- we're such stupid idiots. "I'm thinking that I'm not afraid anymore."

At this he appears genuinely confused, and he rocks our son side-to-side in his arms briefly while still keeping his eyes on mine. "Afraid? Of what?"

"Of you," I reply cryptically with a coy smile. When I see his panic face start to set in, I add, "Of loving you, and of you loving me."

"Oh." Relief floods his features then, and I almost want to set William in the bassinet and then tackle Mulder on the bed. Not now, Dana. There'll be plenty of time for that later. We have all the time in the world, now. The grin Mulder gives me then makes me promptly revisit my thought of tackling him on the bed. It really isn't such a bad idea...

"Nothing to be afraid of, Scully. You must have known from the beginning it was inevitable. I mean..." That grin turns sly now, and I know some smug-ass comment is going to fly from those lush lips. "I charmed the hell out of you from the day we met."

I roll my eyes. "Right. You sure did, Mulder."

"Well, considering the state of, um," he clears his throat, "undress you ended up in on our first case together, I guess you could say I charmed the pants off of you."

That familiar leer is in place, and I can't resist reaching out to swat his shoulder. "Mulder!"

"Sorry," he chuckles, more of a half-chuckle half-whisper. "Couldn't resist."

Silence settles over us as we both turn to gaze at our son, our little miracle, still nestled contently in his father's arms. I can't help but think that maybe Mulder's right. Not about the 'charming the pants off me' thing -- I still think he's a buffoon for making that comment -- but about us falling in love. How from the beginning it seemed inevitable. Maybe not outwardly, maybe not in a way we could recognize then, but looking back now it's so obvious. There was something unique there from the beginning.

On that first case I showed him, among other things, my vulnerability... something I had never let any man, not even my own father, see. And Mulder showed me his trust, something that I learned, very quickly, he doesn't give out too easily. Us meeting was, quite simply, Fate. Nothing to do with iced tea or root beer, either.

It makes me wonder how 'they' felt... the ones that stuck us together in hopes of me shutting him down. I wonder if they went to sleep at night regretting that decision and woke up each morning regretting it even more. They knew we were separately strong, but they never expected that together we'd be unstoppable. I guess we never expected it either.

But we're not afraid anymore. If anyone is to be afraid now, it's them. We're bound forever together now; a full-fledged family, Mulder, William, and me... and no matter what happens tomorrow or the next day or the day after, there'll be no stopping us.

Conspiracies and human-alien hybrids be damned. I'm not afraid.

FIN