Welcome, residents of Gaia, to ShinRa's honest and factual Introduction to Life in these Hard Times. In this document, we outline the major elements of ShinRa, as well as some of the equipment and challenges we face, the enemies to look out for, and provide a guide to understanding ShinRa and your role in it. Encoursed, like nutritious nuggets of knowledge, within this tome you will find everything you need to know about helicopters, SOLDIERs and everything in between, as well as a glimpse at some wild biological and natural oddities (not to mention a few weapons that could be used to examine these beasties a little more… experimentally).
The information contained within this issue will, as ever, put you in good stead for when you sensibly join ShinRa's gallant efforts to bring civility and proper plumbing to the Planet.
Turks:
What's so shocking about them, you ask? Well, their manners for one – rude buggers. Ex rugby players, mostly. Not a please or thankyou to be heard and a lot of butt-slapping instead.
Manners aside, they are a group of elite assassins – not a group you want to offend. They always follow orders, and have been known to stop at nothing to get the job done. Of course, they lend more towards the cloak and dagger areas. If you want someone to break some kneecaps and scare money out of someone without alerting the local authorities to your drug-smuggling and prostitution ring, the Turks are for you. If you want loud distractions and flashy stumbling around like lame pandas from heavily armed buffoons, you're better to go with a SOLDIER.
SOLDIERs:
What is life like for a SOLDIER? A splendid question! Give yourself a sweetie from the jar in the pantry and settle down to find out!
Now, the many missions and adventures a SOLDIER will embark on daily present all manner of challenges for our honest fighting men. He requires an earnest sprit and a solid stomach and, more importantly, a certain level of imperceptible stupidity that subconsciously convinces him it is a good idea to allow scientists to inject him with indecent amounts of radioactive material despite his body's rather violent protests.
In his efforts to bring peace and good table manners to the Planet, he must be able to contest with its uncouth denizens – the mutant dragons of Nibel, the horrifying monsters of Midgar, the grotesque simpletons of Wutai and many others. Imagine yourself facing down one of these abominations, all eyes and tentacles! "How many babies has he eaten today?" you might ask yourself.
The job is made somewhat safer when you have one of ShinRa's lightning materia in your mitts. Only the finest for our boys!
There are, of course, ranks within the SOLDIER program. Lowest on the rung is the lowly cadet:
These are mostly insignificant, hardly worth a bullet, not worthy to lick slime off your shoes, lurking like cockroaches in the shadows, waiting for a glimpse of the brilliance that shines around their superiors in the hopes of thieving some. They are worse than nothing, mere wastes of valuable oxygen until they are promoted. By and large, they are to be ignored, though some of our SOLDIERs and Turks have made a game of periodically harassing the creatures. Good show, boys!
Next step up the ladder is the Third Class SOLDIER:
These are our lightweight infantrymen used for quick-assault type conflicts, ill-suited to the long haul battles (that's what regulars are for, after all) these are our in-and-out, oh-dear-something's-gone-wrong-where're-the-tanks-situation men. The very sight of them, all decked up in their light blue uniforms lurching noisily forward in a clumsily in-time charge instils white-knuckled fear in an enemy's very heart, known as "Fighter Fright" or, colloquially, "The Shits". They are by far the most numerous of our SOLDIERs, and have been used in many of ShinRa's consolidating conflicts. That's a nice word, isn't it? Consolidating. Those people on the other end of the Third's guns are about to be consolidated too.
The Second Class Soldier:
These are the second-to-best of the SOLDIERs – highly skilled, well armed and just overflowing with good, SOLDIER crudeness. What else can be said about such a magnificent group? Ah crud. Does anyone actually read this prattle? I mean honestly. Yes, they're big and strong with both guns and big, bad-ass swords. Ooh! I'm so impressed. I'm sure whoever commands them is very pleased with himself now that he's made up for the inadequacy of ShinRa as a whole by pumping a bunch of highly attractive teenage boys full of mako and handing them as many weapons as their super-powered, grabby little hands can manage.
I never signed up to do this you know. I thought I might write a nice self help column or something about fashion. Instead it's bloody ShinRa's equivalent to a highschool's golden boys! Thank God they don't edit this rubbish. Oh well, carry on!
Finally, we have our beloved First Class SOLDIER:
These are the elite: the best of the best, the crème of our buff he-man crop. Each wields a sword of indecent proportion and, though the modest uniform is nearly identical to the lower ranks in all but colour and is strictly enforced, many seem to have developed their own fashion sense.
General Sephiroth, for example, has totally abandoned the black uniform and instead sports a rebellious white outfit that shows off his chest with a vanity most befitting of the best of them all.
Unfortunately, with great power comes great insanity, and our Firsts are marked for each suffering some sort of mental break or lapse. General Sephiroth, to continue our example, once burnt a harmless village to the ground, hacked off an alien's head and dived nose-first into the Lifestream for no discernable reason whatsoever. Oh, dear.
Regular Troopers:
Here we see a member of our regular shock troopers, the sheep of the ShinRa company. This is where we send any SOLDIER washouts. The above picture shows him mid-stride, legs planted firmly, shiny gun pointed in the sensible and quite dangerous 'forward' direction.
And look at all of his equipment. A spiffing helmet for seeing in infra-wave spectra, including a nice mask that protects from him from harmful gases and makes the cloggy ShinRa-polluted air taste delicious, all with the added benefit of protecting his skull from bumps and breaks in his many dashing tumbles, a finely tuned assault rifle and all kinds of shiny whodads and whatsits. On to Victory, good man!
Swords:
While our SOLDIER's swords are by and large highly user-friendly and infallible objects and the chances of catastrophic malfunction are slim, one must be thoughtful and conscientious when using these dangerous devices.
Despite its tendency to inspire pant-wetting fear, a sword should be well looked after and attended to regularly – somewhat like a shiny metal baby.
Like a suckling infant, they should be checked carefully for any signs of impairment, kept swaddled and dry in a sheath or blanket, wiped when moisture occurs and beaten mercilessly over a workbench with a spanner as little as possible.
Of course, most people cannot use these huge tools which weigh in on average at around half a ton, despite the way our SOLDIER boys swing them around like plastic candy canes, the gits. Some advice, perhaps, on what to do when facing off against a drunk and offended SOLDIER wielding one of these weapons? When faced with these devices, the best thing to remember is that they are big, dangerous and downright scary, and above all else, to avoid the sharpish pointy end.
Guns:
Forget about blasting an enemy back into the Dark Ages. How about blasting an enemy back into the primordial ooze? Literally. That is our aim in our handheld projectile weapons, and our scientists have worked very hard to make it a reality. And, we are pleased to report, they have more or less succeeded. It's great fun to shoot things, isn't it? Especially when instead of the traditional little wimpy holes left by your efforts, you have big bloody holes left in your voluptuous foes. Onward!
Motorbikes:
Like a very scary horse with guns for eyes, a shiny loveable coat of plate steel and a fondness for carrots, I mean oil, the motorbike is the transport of choice for many of our SOLDIERs, and as such forms the backbone of any SOLDIER-driven assault. Each bike is big enough to match its owner's ego, and typically can do all sorts of cool things, such as storing your swords inside it so you don't have to lug the horrible things around yourselves, or slots for materia or guns. Their main function is, naturally, to make our SOLDIERs look cooler. Look at them, riding around on their black machines of doom, so very much awesomer than thou. Doesn't it make you want to be them? Or slap them? Or possibly both? Jolly good!
Helicopters:
There are other methods of transportation. ShinRa is nothing if not adaptable. Our Turks prefer travelling by helicopter – faster, more comfortable and theoretically safer, although those who have ridden when the Turks Reno or Tseng are piloting have raised concerns to the contrary – the former because of his terrifyingly short attention span and the latter due to his alarming tendency to crash into the sides of mountains.
Scientists:
So who are the brains behind the brawn? The ones who are responsible for the madness that is ShinRa Inc? No, not President ShinRa – he's the devil incarnate, and the one who signs the checks. That's quite enough responsibility for any one man. No, the true insanity comes from our very own catalogue of mad scientists. We at ShinRa Inc scoured the globe, looking for the greatest quacks of our time and pulled them together in our headquarters, based in Midgar. We outfitted them with as many shiny, expensive machines with scientific-sounding names as we could find, handed them bottomless funding and set them loose on the company. In fact, there are very few areas where you cannot find their overgrown guineapigs. Take SOLDIERs. Do you think we keep them around just to cower beneath their awesome heights of coolness and dashing good looks? Cobswaddle! The scientists created them, and now enjoy having them hanging around, like buff, sword-hefting animals that followed them home, and would throw a hissy fit if we got rid of 'em. Ah, well.
The Bad Guys:
Who are some of our enemies? Well, naturally a company as large and diabolical as ShinRa Inc has several. Among these, the most basic enemy is the monster:
Creatures that were once everyday but upon exposure to mako mutated horribly into the bloodthirsty beasts you see today. Watch out on that delivery route – now you must contend with mutant wolves as well as normal ones! And a full-grown mutant dragon can eat anything slow, stupid or dead enough not to run away.
These monsters are more aggressive, stronger and undeniably uglier than the original beasts, and much of ShinRa's time is spent dealing with them, an ironic twist as they were in fact created by our neglect and incompetent staff.
What are we thinking? Do we just hire anyone? Who the devil builds our Mako Reactors anyway, and why do they leak so very much? Not enough duct tape, perhaps? Then again, this is the same corporation who not only gives Hojo a free reign to follow his mad scientist urges, but actually pays him to do so.
Possibly the best-known enemy of ShinRa is the organisation known as AVALANCHE:
Now, originally this was a terrifying group that struck fear into the hearts of everyone and terrorised ShinRa with its ruthless and extremist tactics. They caused vast amounts of collateral damage and routinely reduced President ShinRa to locking himself in a small dark space and alternately ranting or crying, until in a blaze of glory we were able to step on them like the bug they were.
Several years later, AVALANCHE rose again, but this time we were mystified to realise that AVALANCHE had turned into a group of pansies who were no fun at all. Not once did they send President ShinRa to his small dark space, much to our disappointment.
After losing a few reactors and many worthless lives, ShinRa blamed the terrorist group when the plate above Sector Seven was dropped due to our own incompetence and diabolical plans, and AVALANCHE lost all support. Really, we wish to send out our thanks to the second AVALANCHE crew – you disposed of a few useless buildings and a great many people who we no longer have to pay healthcare and dental for. Bravo!
Rogues:
These are people we are trying very hard to shoot. Mostly ex-specimens or insane SOLDIERs on the run from us. If you see one, attempt to distract it with something shiny and call us up on your PHS – we'll send someone over right away with a very big gun in tow, ready to blast the sod to kingdom come. What Ho!
Gaia:
Our Planet. The great dustball that carries us on our never-ending journey around the sun, grinding ever forward like a massive grindy thing that likes going forward.
And, it seems, it is sentient. Blast it all. Not only do we have to contend with the elements and the damned animals everywhere, now we have to struggle against the actual planet itself!
Luckily for us, to aid in this struggle with this treacherous landmass, the Good Lord has gifted us quite large brains and even larger guns!
Why does it care, anyway? All we want to do is steal the souls of the dead from its core and convert them into electricity in order to fuel our evil plans. What's the problem? And what are these rumours of it sending WEAPONs after us, anyway?
What If?...
Calm your nerves! Allay your fears. It hasn't actually happened, yet! Vicious, warmongering WEAPONs from Gaia hell-bent on our destruction have not, so far, invaded our sacred Terra Firma, but they could…
The below vivid image is simply a drunken artist's representation of what it might look like should it occur. And golly, isn't it terrifying?
These postulated mako monstrosities could annihilate our cities and crush the very civilisation we rely on, unless we hit back first!
Most of them are known baby eaters, don't you know? Look, this one's about to crush an infant! Those heartless curs.
Make sure you get behind our brave men at ShinRa Inc and tell father to hurry up and buy some Anti-Planet Pre-Emptive War Bonds and we'll all be safe as houses.
Please direct any queries, comments, suggestions or completed recruitment forms to the pretty link directly below entitled 'review this chapter'. This will dump your highly appreciated babble into the sea of other gibberings people send us by the truckload, and be promptly lost therein.
We value your opinion, and thank you for your time.