A/N: Fair warning before you guys even start reading: if the topic of religion offends you, stop right here. I know the show has never addressed the role of any religion of any kind in the characters' lives, but my own (Christian) faith plays a major role in my life, and I was challenged by a very special person in my life to express that through my fanfiction. I just wanted you to know before you read it. Thanks! Love you, mean it.
Sick. She was sick.
That vile word pounded through him, pulsing through his veins with the beat of his heart. The heart that had long-since belonged to her, beating steadily inside his chest as if nothing were wrong.
The diagnosis was Cruetzfeldt-Jakob's Disease, a vicious and rare form of brain cancer. The doctors said she had two months.
Two months. Two months. Two months.
The phrase joined in the pulsing.
Sick. Two months. Sick. Two months. Sick. Two months. Dead.
She was going to die.
He felt bad for leaving her, but he also knew that she needed the time with her father, who was with her now. When he'd left, she had kissed him goodbye and then hugged him, whispering in his ear.
"Go. I'll be okay for a little while, I promise."
He found himself in the church. Castle hadn't gone to church in decades, and even now wasn't sure what exactly he believed. But he knew that, right now, he needed God. If what he'd been told in Sunday school was still true, God would still be there for him, no matter what he'd done in his last thirty years.
The church was huge. Stained glass windows made sunlight dance in the cavernous sanctuary. Castle's footsteps slowed naturally as he entered the sacred space. The building itself was beautiful, and there was an undinably spiritual feeling that accompanied being there. As Castle sat down in a pew about halfway down, he drew in a breath. He hesitated then.
Here he was, sitting in a church, ready to seek God, needing that reassurance that his teachers had long ago spoken of now more than ever.
Yet, he had no idea where to begin. How does one begin to pray after thirty years?
The words of , who taught Rick's Sunday School class, came back to him in that moment.
"Just talk to God. He's always there to listen."
So he took a breath and began to talk to God.
"I guess it's been a while," he began. "I know I should've been at this for a long time, but I guess I just forgot how important it is. Now, I realize I can't do this by myself." He paused. "I know I'm going to lose her, and maybe knowing that is what makes me realize I need Your help. All those times in the past few years when I could've lost her, I could do something about it. I could at least try. Now I know I can't. There isn't anything I can do to stop this from happening, and that kills me." He stopped again, glancing up at the stained glass windows. "She came into my life and she made me a better man. She made me better than I ever thought I could be, and I don't have any idea where I would be right now if not for her, or where my daughter, or my mother, would be. I don't know where we'll be when she's gone." Memories of Kate were flooding through his head, and he was filled with the sickening realization that soon, all he would have left were memories. "I know I haven't been faithful to You," Rick admitted. "And I know it's pretty crappy of me to come back to You now, when things are hard, even though You were here when everything was good. But...I need You now. I need You because I have to be strong for her. I have to be here for her, and I can't do that alone. I can't be here rock if I don't have a rock to lean on. She's always been that, and now she can't be." Tears rose to his blue eyes as he thought of all the hardship they'd gone through together. All the times when the world seemed to be falling apart; the times when it probably woud've if not for her.
"You know her, right?" Castle said. "I mean, that's what they always told me, that You know everyone. So You know Kate, and You know what she's been through. You know how strong she is. You know how fierce and extraordinary she is. So, after everything, why take her like this? Why does she have to suffer this way? Why does she have to die?" Tears streamed down his face.
"It's just not fair," he whispered. "I guess You have a reason, but I don't understand it. I don't know why it has to end this way."
"Maybe God doesn't want you to know yet." Castle turned, finding a blond-haired teenage girl sitting in the pew behind him.
"Sorry if I'm intruding," she said. "I didn't mean to invade your privacy, but I couldn't help overhearing."
"What do you mean, He doesn't want me to know yet?" Castle asked. The blond teenager smiled slightly.
"Do you mind if I sit with you?" she asked. Castle shook his head.
"No, please do," he said. She stood up, and Rick watched as the light blue lace dress she was wearing swished around her knees. Her long, wavy blond hair hung to her waist, and her eyes were pale green. She seemed wise and mysterious, qualities that Castle didn't tend to attribute to teenage girls. She came and sat down next to him, smoothing the dress elegantly under her. She took a deep breath and held it in, leaning her head back and closing her eyes with a fluttering of pale lashes. When she opened her eyes and let out the breath, she smiled at him.
"I'm Isabella," she said. "Do you know what my name means?"
"Devoted to God," Castle responded immediately.
"Exactly. Most people don't know that."
"I'm a writer," he explained. "Research."
"Do you have a name, Writer?" Isabella asked.
"Richard. Rick," he replied.
"Powerful ruler," Isabella said. Castle nodded.
"Not feeling that right now," he confessed.
"I could tell. He has a plan, you know."
"Does he?" Rick asked.
"Of course," Isabella said confidently. "Jeremiah 29:11, 'For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'."
"But how does all this fall into the hopeful part?" he asked.
"I don't know," Isabella answered. "No one does. That is the very meaning of the word faith."
"But...why? How does this not harm me? Or her? How does this not harm her?" Castle asked.
"You have to understand that you may never know," Isabella said gently. "God's plans aren't always apparent. Sometimes, God is just God. And God knows more than you, more than me, and more than Kate. God is more powerful than we are, and He sometimescauses things to happen that seem harsh or cruel. But in the end, He always has a plan. He always does, and He will never forsake you. He is going to make this okay for you. As long as you allow Him to, He will guide you through this. You and Kate." Castle regarded her curiously.
"How old are you, Isabella?" he asked. She smiled.
"I'm sixteen," she replied.
"So how is it that you're so certain about all of this?" he wanted to know.
"God is my best friend," she said. "I trust Him the way you trust Kate. If she tells you she's going to do something, you don't doubt that she'll do it, right?"
"Right."
"I'm the same way with God. He says he has a plan to give me a hopeful future? Then I know, no matter what happens in my life, God's planning something good for my future," Isabella said. Castle marveled at her wisdom and faith. For someone so young to be so strong and so sure of herself, while he was over forty and struggling to understand, was astounding.
"What's made you so faithful?" he asked.
"My diease," she answered. "I have multiple sclerosis." Castle stared at her. This gir was dying. She would slowly deteriorate over time and then she would die well before her time. And yet, she was sitting there in that church, smiling serenely, giving him all the advice and guidance that she could, presenting it all to him with utmost constance and not a trace of bitterness.
"Even though you're sick, you're so faithful," he said. "why?"
"Because God gave me MS, and he did so for a reason. He wanted me to be able to minister to people like you, who are lost and need someone like me to show them that the light is still there." Castle smiled at her as Isabella stood.
"Thank you," he said. Isabella smiled back as she slid out of the pew.
"You're welcome. Good luck, and God bless you, Rick."
And then, Isabella was gone.
Rick let himself back into the loft, and found it quiet. Kate, he discovred, was sleeping. He watched her for a moment, the beautiful features of her face relaxed in her peaceful sleep. He crawled in beside her and she rolled over, looking up at him through sleepy green eyes. He smiled tenderly.
"Hey," she whispered.
"Hey."
"How you doing?" Kate asked. Castle thought about Isabella and smiled.
"I'm good. Better than I imagined I would be. And Kate?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you."