When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you. Or you can let it strengthen you.
Kate and Castle bond over their pasts.
She ran her fingers across the raised white line on her wrists and forearms. The precinct was empty now, the last few detectives leaving for the night just ten minutes ago. It had been a busy day and she was truly exhausted but there was still something keeping her here. She still had a few pieces of paperwork left to complete but she was leaving them for the next day. Or the day after tomorrow since Montgomery had ordered her out of the 12th for 24hours after tonight. A glance at her father's watch told her it was nearing midnight, outside the wind and rain were battling against each other. A storm was brewing and she knew it wouldn't be long before it descended on the city. Her fingers continued to trace the lines she was so familiar with across her arms and she sighed. The 12th was chilly to say the least and it was making the lines more pronounced, shaking her head she reverted her attention to the remaining paperwork on her desk.
The tell-tale ding of the elevator behind her had her spinning around on her chair before she realised what she was doing. Her hand rested on the holster sat on her desk and only relaxed when Castle stepped out of the elevator, two cups of coffee in his hands.
It looked just like any other morning when he arrived at the 12th, except for the darkness outside and the quiet around her. She raised her eyebrow at him as he stood beside her desk and handed her a warm cup.
"How'd I guess you'd still be here?" He sat down in his chair and stared at her over the rim of his cup
"What're you doing here?" She avoided his question, the subtext radiating his disapproval.
"Couldn't sleep. Called you, you didn't answer obviously… so I guessed you were still here." She was surprised by how well he had her pegged but she knew he had always had that knack for knowing her.
"What's up?" He must have called for a reason and she couldn't work out what it was. They didn't have an open case so he couldn't have had any ideas about that and he hadn't mentioned anything else that she could recall. A breeze blew through the 12th and she shivered, bumps appearing on her skin. She dragged her long sleeves down over the palms of her hands and sighed. A glance towards Castle told her he'd seen the way she covered her arms and she knew he wouldn't leave it alone.
She'd noticed him looking at her arms a lot more lately and it had only been recently that she'd realised. The cold weather had brought her scars up against the redness of her skin and he had to be the one to notice. The boys had seen them years before, when they'd first been sharp red lines across her skin and she knew they wouldn't bring them up unless they suspected she was falling down that path again. They were her family and even though Castle was now part of that family she still didn't want him to know about that time in her life. It was only because of Lanie's suspicions that Esposito and Ryan had found out in the first place. As much as she loved her best friend, she could have cheerfully murdered her when she found out it was her who had told the boys. It had taken a year of therapy and the support of Lanie and the boys to get her past it but now she could see how right they had been.
Glancing up from her staring at the paperwork on her desk she realised Castle was replying to her question.
"Could ask you the same thing." He was being short with her and she couldn't work out what was wrong.
"Paperwork." She made a show of shuffling the papers around on her desk and signing her name on the bottom of one sheet.
"That could've waited…" Always the reasonable one Castle had baled on her earlier that night before the paperwork had even been started.
"Yeahh well…" She was planning on offering him some form of excuse when he interrupted her. His gaze swinging from the ground underneath them to meet hers.
"Come with me." His tone brokered no room for argument but she tried to protest anyway. Before she realised what was happening he'd pulled her to her feet and was walking her towards the elevator, her coat and bag slung over his arm. "Come on Kate." The use of her first name caught her attention and she relaxed and allowed him to lead her into the waiting metal box.
The wind had picked up since he had entered the 12th and he pulled his coat tighter around him as he led her along the street, stopping suddenly to hail a passing cab. He spoke briefly to the driver before ushering Kate into the back. She hadn't heard what he had said to the driver so she turned to face him, her eyebrow raised in question.
He murmured two words that had her breath catching and her body slumping back into the seats. "Trust me."
The cab finally pulled to a stop twenty minutes later and she glanced out of the window trying to place whereabouts they were. Castle passed the driver a bundle of notes and asked him to wait for them. He pulled her from the cab, his hand gripping her shoulder as he shut the door behind them. She took that time to look around. They appeared to be in the middle of nowhere. She could see the lights of the city behind them but there was only a line of lights that seemed to be illuminating a grassed area in front of them. He tugged on her sleeve as he started walking towards the lights. As they got closer she realised he had brought her to a private burial site. She stopped suddenly and he turned to face her. His eyes pleaded with her and she paused, wondering what the pain in his eyes was for. He walked forward and she followed on instinct, her eyes darting around the graveyard. They walked past a line of gravestones for the Delov family and she wondered where they were once again. She recognised the Russian on the gravestones and it only added to her confusion. She didn't know that Castle knew any Russian's… let alone anyone who had died.
He was a few steps ahead of her and she caught up with him as he stopped in front of a granite gravestone. She placed her hand on his arm to alert him to her presence and he turned to face her. She could see tears brimming in his eyes and glanced towards the stone.
Stasya Zaytsev
Beloved Daughter and Best Friend
16 October 1969 – 1 April 1988
Девятнадцать вечно.
"Always 19". She glanced across to Castle to check her translation was correct and saw him nod slightly. "Who was she?" She watched him suck in a breath before he dropped down to the wet grass beneath their feet. He stroked his fingers over the Russian and she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Whoever Stasya was, she must have been important to him.
"I was going to marry her." The words were quiet, whispered so that she had to strain to hear them over the rustling of the wind in the trees. She squatted down next to him and grasped his hands in hers.
"I'm sorry." She whispered the apology even though she was certain he was caught up in his own memories.
"We met at one of my book signings… she was this wonderful blonde girl who as fighting with the manager of the bookstore…" He paused and she squeezed his hands reassuringly. His lips quirk in a slightly forced smile and she returned it with one of her own. The wind rushed around them as they both stared at the gravestone.
"Meredith and I were in a relationship… It was my first best seller signing… there was just something about Stasya…" She nodded as he spoke; his voice low and she leaned into him to hear him properly. He moved his arm and offered it out for her to move into his side. She shivered in the wind and smiled gratefully as she leaned against him.
"I didn't realise that she'd been at school with me… one of those exchange things… but she recognised me when I told the manager to get lost…" He chuckled and she smiled, it was obviously a happy memory he'd lost himself in this time.
"I'm not proud to say I cheated on Meredith… emotionally at least… Stasya was… you remind me of her you know?" She moved her head from his shoulder to meet his eyes and he smiled guiltily at her.
"How did you know you'd married her then? If nothing happened…" He laughed, his grip bringing her closer to his side.
"She became my best friend… we'd talk all the time, Meredith got so jealous that I just hid it from her… Stasya was refreshing… she was always there for me…" He paused and she sensed what she was about to hear was hard for him. "I went to her when Meredith told me she was pregnant with Alexis…" Kate nodded and reached across to squeeze his free hand.
"I don't think she ever felt romantically the same way about me… but she meant so much to me." Kate squeezed his hand and watched as he wiped his cheeks. She listened as he told her stories about Stasya and she laughed along with him. He stopped in his storytelling and she shifted to look up at him.
He was staring up at the night sky and she smiled, he looked all the little boy she knew he was inside staring up at the stars.
"She committed suicide on my birthday." His six words rocked her core and she gasped as she realised the date today. It was past midnight by now which meant it was April first… his birthday.
"I'm so sorry Rick." He kept staring up at the sky even as she shifted onto her knees to stroke his cheek.
"That's why I brought you here…" She stared at him confused and gasped when his gaze swung over to hers and his hands grasped her wrists.
"That's why I can't stand to see these…" He pushed her sleeves up and she shivered as the cold crept across her skin. He tilted her wrists towards the light and ran his fingers over the raised lines. She tried to pull her wrists from his hands but he tightened his grip and ducked his head to meet her eye.
"Stasya had been self-harming long before I met her… Only 15 and she took a pair of scissors to herself…" He released her wrists and coughed to clear his throat. She watched as he placed his hand on the gravestone and she could vaguely hear him mumbling to himself.
"I started after Mom…" She didn't know why she was telling him this but suddenly she felt the need to share with him as he had with her.
"These…" She indicated to her wrists as he turned to face her, his gaze focused on her face but his eyes glazed with unshed tears. "are from the year before you arrived…" He nodded and reached out his hands to grasp hers. She squeezed his as he gazed at her, patiently waiting for her to continue.
"I was kidnapped… working for Vice…" Her voice was strained and he shifted forwards to place his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his body. "Lanie noticed… told the boys… a year of therapy later and then you walked into my life." He heard the unsaid meaning behind her words and squeezed her tighter against him.
Their relationship was changing… they were crossing lines left, right and centre but neither seemed to care at that moment. He dropped a kiss on her hair and heard her sigh as she relaxed against him.
They sat on the wet grass until the sun rose around them and only then did they make any move. He stood first, leaning down to help her to her feet. As they stared at the gravestone she reached across and ran her fingers over Stasya's name.
"спасибо" She murmured her thanks to the girl she would never get to meet for the man that she stood with now. She'd heard everything Castle hadn't said and knew that she had this woman to thank for how he had turned out. He squeezed her hand and she stepped back to give him some privacy. She watched as he kissed his fingertips and pressed them to the top of the cold granite. He surprised her when she heard his next words.
"Я тебя люблю Stasya." She heard him whisper the same words he had to her those months ago and remembered his words from that night. 'You remind me of her…'
The cab was still parked at the entrance when they made their way across the grass and Castle handed the man a large tip for waiting most of the night for them. The sun was still rising behind them as they drove back towards the city.
She let them into her apartment and she was back in his arms before he'd even properly shed his coat. He felt her grip loosen when he didn't bring his arms around her and spoke before she could pull away from him completely.
"Let me get my coat off Kate..." She looked up at him, a blush creeping across her cheeks as she stepped back and hung his coat behind her. He smiled at her warmly and grasped her hand in his. He walked them forwards until they reached the door to her bedroom. She stared at him as he paused nervously before pulling her inside the room and sitting down on the bed. He opened his arms towards her and she smiled as he relaxed on her bed. She settled down in between his legs and snuggled against his chest.
"Thank you for coming with me." His words vibrated through his chest and warmed her heart.
"Thank you for noticing." He dropped another kiss down onto her hair and she sighed happily.
"Always."