AN: I made this for a contest in the forum I'm a part of, called the Muse Bunny. This fad was started by Theresa Green so thank her for this ingenious idea! XD
RORONOA ZORO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations!! You are now the proud owner of the fully automated RORONOA ZORO unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your ex-pirate hunter, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
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Basic Information:
Name: Roronoa Zoro (a.k.a. Pirate Hunter, Marimo, Mr. Bushido, Kenshi San, Demon Cutter Zoro)
Date of Manufacture: November 11
Place of Manufacture: Shirasaki, the country of Japan.
Height: 178 cm (5'10")
Weight: Very heavy.
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Your RORONOA ZORO unit will come with the following accessories:
Three Swords: currently Wado Ichimonji, Shuusui and Sandai Kitetsu
Three Gold Earrings
One Green Haramaki
One Black Bandana
One Dark Green Trouser
One White Shirt
One Pair of Black Shoes
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When you first open the box containing your RORONOA ZORO unit, you will notice that he doesn't seem to be moving at all. Please don't be alarmed and think that your RORONOA ZORO unit is dead or in a coma. It is simply sleeping. To wake the unit up, you can use a MONKEY D. LUFFY unit, a NAMI unit, a SANJI unit, or a BROOKE unit. If you don't have any of the units, shouting "LOOK IT'S HAWK EYES MIHAWK!" or "THERE'S A REALLY STRONG SWORDSMAN OVER THERE!!" will work. The first is most effective but will make your RORONOA ZORO unit very pissed if he does not find a MIHAWK unit in his sights.
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Programming:
Your RORONOA ZORO unit is a very serious and short-tempered unit, and will always be found either sleeping, training or eating and drinking. Your unit will refuse to do anything that does not benefit him or bores him so you might want to use a NAMI unit to blackmail him into submission or do it yourself by stealing his sword. (Warning: when stealing unit's swords make sure that you are fully aware of the consequences of your actions and are prepared to run for your life as fast as you can) When you do get him to follow your orders, you'll find that your unit will function as follows:
Swords master: Your RORONOA ZORO unit is a very skilled fighter of his very own unique style, The Santouryu Style. He aims to become the greatest swordsman in the world. His swordsmanship is exceptional and rivals none so far, except for the MIHAWK unit (just don't mention this to him). By bribing him into teaching you to fight you may become the first apprentice to The Santouryu Style. It is highly important that you have a strong set of teeth if you wish to master this style.
Trainer: The RORONOA ZORO unit prides itself in its rigorous training sessions and guarantees that you will become at least twice as strong as you were before. As your personal trainer, he will make you go through intense training such as carrying weights 10 times heavier than you are or swimming in freezing cold water.
Pirate Hunter: If you are short on cash, then this function will benefit you greatly. The RORONOA ZORO unit is widely known as a great pirate hunter and has successfully captured several bounties in the past. Have him set off on a bounty hunt and you'll soon be swimming in cash. But take care of your earnings or the NAMI unit will steal them from you.
Drinking Buddy: This function is easy to achieve and does not necessarily require bribery. With a very high tolerance to alchohol, the RORONOA ZORO unit is the best companion to have when you wish to go to the bar and drink all throughout the night. But he won't bother to help you in whatever situation you've fallen into while drunk. Most likely, he will leave you where you are until you wake up in the morning feeling awful.
Baby Sitter: This function is one of the most difficult to acquire and requires you to have the special MOTHER unit in order for this function to be activated. Once you have achieved in using this function your RORONOA ZORO unit will work hard to take care of the young ones. He can feed your baby milk, shop for groceries and he will make sure that your baby will not fall from very high places. The special MOTHER unit comes with a short baby-T and a sling where RORONOA ZORO unit can place the baby in and carry him without needing to hold onto him.
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Your RORONOA ZORO unit comes with seven different modes:
Serious (default)
Snooze
Training
Angry
Pissed
Deadly
Asura
The Snooze setting will activate itself when the unit is not doing any fighting or other chore. Your RORONOA ZORO unit will fall asleep anywhere and will not wake up by any noise or disturbance. You may deactivate this setting through the methods mentioned previously or it shall deactivate itself when it is woken up by a MONKEY D. LUFFY unit together with an USOPP unit, a CHOPPER unit or a BROOKE unit. When this happens the RORONOA ZORO unit usually switches to Pissed setting.
Your RORONOA ZORO unit may feel that it is still weak and therefore needs to train harder to become stronger. Thus, the Training setting will be activated and nothing can stop the unit from performing the most rigorous training you could ever think of.
Please note that the Angry setting is entirely different from the Pissed setting, no matter how similar they may appear to you. Waking him up, throwing insults at him (especially coming from the SANJI unit), or other things that may annoy the RORONOA ZORO unit will immediately activate the Pissed setting. In this setting the RORONOA ZORO unit will shout at incredible volumes and violently threaten to kill whoever activated the setting. Angry setting on the other hand is usually activated by anyone who has hurt RORONOA ZORO unit's nakama. It can also be activated when RORONOA ZORO is frustrated in a fight with another and may switch to Deadly setting followed after by Asura setting.
The Deadly setting is activated whenever he is in a very intense battle. In this setting, the RORONOA ZORO unit will place the black bandana around his head, indicating that he is dead serious about his current fight. Nothing will stop him from slicing and killing off all of his opponents in this setting. It is suggested that you avoid making him angry and keep a safe distance from him when he is in this setting. When the RORONOA ZORO unit senses that he might not win a swords battle, he will immediately activate the Asura setting. In this case, it is imperative for you not to be in the same room that he is in.
In the Asura setting, RORONOA ZORO grows four extra pairs of sword-wielding arms and two other heads. This is a very deadly technique and is used as the finishing blow. Unless endowed with amazing, miraculous endurance or strength, one might not survive this attack.
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Relations with other Units:
MONKEY D. LUFFY: The MONKEY D. LUFFY unit is the Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates and is probably the only one that your RORONOA ZORO unit will be forever loyal to, no matter how idiotic the MONKEY D. LUFFY unit is and no matter how much trouble he gets into because of him. The RORONOA ZORO unit respects this unit despite everything idiotic that the MONKEY D. LUFFY does and as the First Mate, he will do whatever the MONKEY D. LUFFY unit orders him to do.
NAMI: Your RORONOA ZORO unit considers the NAMI unit the most evil, greedy witch in the world. He hates her for being so manipulative and for blackmailing him so easily with his very large (and continuously increasing) debt. But despite all this he knows that no matter what he does, he will always end up doing whatever the NAMI unit commands him to do. If you wish to refrain from having your RORONOA ZORO do the NAMI unit's work, we suggest you not let her get anywhere near him.
USOPP: There is not much that your RORONOA ZORO unit would say about the USOPP unit. Only that he is a big fat liar and a complete coward. Though he thinks this, there have been times when the USOPP unit has achieved so much and aided in battles. Be warned that when your RORONOA ZORO unit sees the USOPP unit as well as a pair of handcuffs he will automatically stay away from the USOPP unit.
SANJI: It is highly discouraged for these two units to be in the same room together. Your RORONOA ZORO unit hates the SANJI unit as much as the NAMI unit and will always end up fighting and arguing with him. To settle this you must either keep them apart or have a NAMI unit or ROBIN unit in their presence at all times in order to distract the SANJI unit.
CHOPPER: The CHOPPER unit is one of the most recommendable units to have with your RORONOA ZORO unit. As a very skilled doctor, the CHOPPER unit can take care of any injuries or damage that has been inflicted on your RORONOA ZORO unit. But you must also take note that the CHOPPER unit has also been known to jump on top of the head of the RORONOA ZORO unit when he is frightened and will anger your RORONOA ZORO unit.
ROBIN: One of the more tolerable units, the ROBIN unit is a very mature and calm archaeologist who wishes to find the true history. Your RORONOA ZORO will first feel suspicion and distrust for this unit while she is in the Scheming setting. Once she has switched from this setting, your RORONOA ZORO unit will feel a slight kinship to her and will consider her one of his Nakama as well.
FRANKY: Your RORONOA ZORO unit will feel dislike and annoyance to the FRANKY unit when the unit is stealing money from others and causing havoc everywhere. He will especially hate the FRANKY unit for hurting the USOPP unit. Once the FRANKY unit has changed your RORONOA ZORO unit will consider him a part of his Nakama just like the ROBIN unit.
BROOKE: This unit is good for waking your RORONOA ZORO unit without blackmail or bribery, though this will cause your RORONOA ZORO unit to be very pissed. The BROOKE unit is a skilled musician who will play his infamous "White Hankerchief" in order to force people to wake up (you might want to use earplugs when you use this unit to do so). Not only a musician, the BROOKE unit is also a skilled swordsman and has acquired the RORONOA ZORO unit's respect because of it. Note that your unit might want to test out his strength by fighting with the BROOKE unit.
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Other Unit Interactions:
TASHIGI: This unit is one of the weakness of the RORONOA ZORO unit for he refuses to fight someone who looks a lot like his childhood friend. The TASHIGI unit will chase after your unit in order to get the Meitou that he has as well as prison him for becoming a pirate. When this unit is in your presence it would be best for you to either hide your RORONOA ZORO unit swords or hide the unit altogether.
JOHHNY AND YOSAKU: These two units are good friends of the RORONOA ZORO unit. They will most likely be a part of the money-making service if you choose the Pirate Hunting function. Though not as strong as the RORONOA ZORO unit, the JOHNNY and YOSAKU units are loyal and determined to help out their "aniki".
MIHAWK: This unit is the one that the RORONOA ZORO unit wishes to defeat in order for him to become the strongest swordsman in the world. Therefore anything and everything about this unit will make your RORONOA ZORO unit very attentive. Once it is discovered that he is in the vicinity then the RORONOA ZORO unit will immediately chase after the MIHAWK unit in search for a fight that he has promised the other. In order to avoid a bloody and dangerous fight you must refrain from ever speaking of the MIHAWK unit and avoid any interaction with this unit.
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Cleaning:
The RORONOA ZORO unit will most likely be sweaty and dirty at all times and could care less if he stinks. However, if you wish to continue assisting him afterwards please notify the nearest Licensed Fan-Fiction Writer for any needed personality adjustments to your RORONOA ZORO. You'll need it.
When drying your RORONOA ZORO, use a large towel and rub dry. Do not tumble-dry unit. Do not leave unit on clothesline to dry. Do not dry-clean unit, as he will not appreciate it.
Also, it might be advisable for you to check on his multiple scar injuries to make sure that your RORONOA ZORO unit is still in mint condition. He will refuse any sort of treatment but with enough persuasion (or bribery) he might concede to being treated. It might also be wise to use the CHOPPER unit to do this task. Take care not to drool or invade his privacy too much or you will face his swords.
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Energy:
Your RORONOA ZORO unit will accept any meal you provide him with, though he'll be satisfied enough with rum and no food at all. This has never been tested though, and might not be advisable for people who wish for their units to stay alive or healthy.
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Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: I asked my RORONOA ZORO unit to buy some groceries from the market but he hasn't come back home yet. Where did he go?
A: Oh my. You should call the authorities and organize a search party immediately! The RORONOA ZORO unit has been known to have a very bad sense of direction and should not be left walking or going somewhere alone. Perhaps you will find him moving about in the Lost City of Atlantis. Or maybe he's in the Sahara Desert. Please have your search party look for him globally.
Q: When I first opened the box which supposedly held my RORONOA ZORO unit, I found a pale man inside a coffin-like container with hawk-like eyes wearing a purple outfit with a matching purple hat together with a very large sword that resembled a cross. Is this right?
A: It seems that you've gotten the MIHAWK unit instead of your RORONOA ZORO unit. If you still wish to get your RORONOA ZORO unit, send us back the MIHAWK unit and we'll ship you back the RORONOA ZORO unit free of charge!! However, if you still wish to keep the MIHAWK unit, you might want to keep a wary eye out for any RORONOA ZORO unit who wishes to kill him.
Q: My RORONOA ZORO unit brought home a huge elephant he killed in the Zoo!! What's that all about?
A: It seems that your RORONOA ZORO unit has been challenged by the SANJI unit on who can bring the largest and biggest game. You should be happy and proud of your unit for bringing home something for your whole family to eat. Perhaps the SANJI unit can cook it for you with the right person to ask it.
Q: I've gotten a hold of my RORONOA ZORO but I don't know where he is. When I ask him for directions to where he is I can hardly understand a thing he said. Is this a glitch?
A: As we have mentioned before, your RORONOA ZORO unit has a very bad sense of direction therefore it is reasonable for him to give equally bad directions. In order to understand his directions and arrive at the place he's at, we suggest you let a MONKEY D. LUFFY unit speak with your RORONOA ZORO unit. The MONKEY D. LUFFY unit will understand it and lead you to the right place. [1]
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Troubleshooting:
Problem: Your RORONOA ZORO unit is bleeding from top to bottom and isn't moving at all. Simply standing with his arms crossed.
Solution: The BARTHOLOMEW KUMA unit has probably gotten to him earlier. Immediately call on a CHOPPER unit and have him rest for a while and he'll be back to his old self in no time.
Problem: Your RORONOA ZORO is not responding to his name anymore. Instead it responds to Marimo.
Solution: It seems that your unit has a programming glitch from excessive interaction with the SANJI unit. Try giving him lots of rum or let him meet the MIHAWK unit. If those don't work...well at least you'll have one less problem to deal with when your unit is interacting with the SANJI unit.
Problem: Your RORONOA ZORO unit suddenly has pink hair.
Solution: This is perhaps the work of the USOPP unit or the MONKEY D. LUFFY unit as a prank on him. Try to wash it off first and if it doesn't, deal with it. Look on the bright side, the SANJI unit will no longer have any reason to call him "marimo".
Problem: Your RORONOA ZORO is laughingand singing an out of tune song loudly while standing on top of a table and dancing the macarena, wearing nothing but his underwear and a frilly pink apron with the words "I WANT TO KISS THE COOK" on it.
Solution: What the hell did you give him? Coffee? Juice? Tea? The RORONOA ZORO unit only drinks sake and gets drunk on anything else! (water is allowed sometimes when there's really no sake). I suggest you knock your RORONOA ZORO unit unconscious and pray that he doesn't find out what you did when he wakes up.
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With proper care and maintenance, your RORONOA ZORO unit will lead a full and (almost) happy life while living under your roof. His warranty is for many years yet to come. However, if, for some reason, you have had enough of the ex-pirate hunter, simply tell him where you think Mihawk Eyes is and he'll be out of your hair in no time!! We are not liable for any injuries you might get when the RORONOA ZORO unit discovers that you were lying to him.
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[1] This part was inspired by a fic I read before titled Zoro's Directions by peroxidepest17. Read it if you want to have a few laughs! It's really good.