Summary: Just as things seemed to be going well, they abruptly come to an end. And now it's been four years and I saw her photograph in the paper.
Tears in Winter
I seem to be stressing out over nothing. It totally sucks because she knows I'm nervous, but I can't help myself. I just want to be perfect. If I'm not perfect, she'll get bored of me. If I'm not everything she wants me to be, she'll leave me behind, move on. My darling Max.
No matter how much she tells me we're alright, I can't help but let my mind wander…
We've been to the edge of the world and back - me and Max. At least, that's what it feels like. She's so cool, confident, pretty… I'm in love with her, and I don't know if she realises just how much. She's too good for me, that's for sure; she's too good for anybody, but I try not to let on in case it makes her realise how much of a loser I am and run off.
She's settled down so well at our school, her and her mysterious family. I don't quite know what to make of them - they all seem distant when I try and get to know them, as if they purposely don't want to get too close. Like they know sooner or later they'll have to bid me farewell.
She keeps telling me that one day she'll explain everything about her situation to me; she keeps saying, "One day… One day, I'll let you in on our secret. Why we keep moving on. Why we feel so different from everybody else."
Max seems to have settled down okay, but even she seems on edge a lot of the time. It's been a year since she we first met, and I love her more than ever. I was invited for Thanksgiving this year, and even if her brother Jeff was purposely insulting me because I kept forgetting he was blind, I still had a great time. She squeezed my hand under the table and told him to knock it off, it wasn't my fault… Her younger sister Tiffany-Krystal kept going, "aww" and "you two are so cute!" all evening… Her adorable little brother and sister, Zephyr and Ariel, were chattering away to me…
It was just Nick that really didn't talk to me. I don't think he likes me. Max is a little frustrated about that, but what can I do to patch things up if I don't even know where I went wrong?
She's taken up a new style; I remember when we first started going out, she was a tomboy and was really into badass jackets and converses, jeans and combat boots… Now she likes wearing skinny jeans and long coats with hoods.
"It just feels so much… cosier," she explained to me once when I complimented her new style. "Do you get what I mean? It just feels safe, warm. Like a different me. It lets me leave behind all the memories from when I wore all that street-fighter stuff."
What memories are you thinking of when you talk about leaving them behind? Painful memories you don't like talking about, like your family's secrets, or what happened before you came here? Or the memories that I care about, like our first date, first kiss, all those times we spent together riding bikes and practising throwing punches?
Those were some of the best times I've ever had. Life wasn't fun before I met you, Max. It was like stepping into Technicolor.
To say the least, Max, you totally changed how I saw the world. Those outfits looked so good on you it was criminal.
I still think though, when we go out to the park and lie on the grass together, that I don't truly satisfy you. When we kiss, it always feels like you're holding back; like you're saving some passion for somebody else. When I take photos of us together you always ask if I can delete them, claiming the angle's never quite right.
Maybe it's me, not the angle, that's what's not right for you. Maybe you'd be better off with somebody else.
But wait a moment - even if I say that, if I let you go, who would I have to make me feel like I have a purpose? Who would I love and cherish if I didn't have you?
With these thoughts in mind, I wake up to another day of sunshine. I totally love Saturdays.
The first thoughts I have in mind as I wash and dress and munch on toast are, I wonder if Max is awake… I wonder if she'll want to hang out today…
The last few days have been, "Sorry, I can't… I really am sorry, but I, um, need to be with my family today."
I know I shouldn't be jealous of her family, but it just hurts a bit sometimes, knowing she's off having fun without me. Knowing that she's smiling for somebody else, those beautiful smiles that make me love her more and more every day.
You see, Maxine Ride, I am in love with you. So much it hurts when you're not around. So much that I ache every time you leave the room, every time I have to walk down the steps of your porch after school and leave, stepping out of the Technicolor and into the grey once more.
So I force on a smile today as I finish up and head out the door, jingling my keys. I secretly hope to myself that you'll open the door and blush, then smile and say, "Yeah, I'm free. Where do you want to go?"
I don't know if you realise how happy I am when we're walking to the park, hand in hand. Even if you don't get that same buzz, it's really special to me.
Whistling, I make my way up those steps and press the doorbell. Immediately I see your guardian, Anne, open the door. She's in a skirt-suit and has a thin smile.
"Hey there, sweetie. Have you come to see Max?""Yes, Ma'am," I say, smoothing down my wild hair. She chuckles and calls, "Max! Sam's here!"
I listen out for a moment, before hearing footsteps. A moment later Max appears, in dark tracksuit, tying back her hair. It's been getting longer recently, and she's been going on to me about pitching in to help get it cut (in which I usually reply, "What? Why me? It's your hair!").
"Sam!" She looks surprised. "Um, hi… what are you doing here?"
I'm a little hurt that she doesn't sound too pleased to see me, but I'll let it slide if it means she'll still go somewhere with me today.
"Uh, I was just wondering if you wanted to do anything today." She looks torn between reluctantly agreeing and bluntly saying no, so she just looks at the ceiling, almost as if she's begging the heavens for an answer. And that hurts even more.
"…Guess not, huh…" I puff out my cheeks and sigh. "Well, um, okay… I… I guess I'll see you around then, Max…"
"Wait." I turn back around. She's stood with flushed cheeks, playing with the ends of her hair without noticing.
"Um… I'm sorry, Sam, I didn't mean to look like I didn't want to. It's just that I promised to take An- uh, Ariel, down to the park, and…"Oh. Was… was that it?
"Ah, but Max, you three can surely just go down to the park together, right?" Anne inputted. Max looked a little uncomfortable.
"Uh… well, yeah, it's just…"
"WOO-HOO! Come on Ange- Ariel, lets go on the swings!"
…Right. I forgot she had a little brother too, who would probably tag along.
"Coming!" Ariel is so cute. She gives Max and me a little knowing smile before tottering off after Zephyr. Right… and she's six?"Yeah… sorry about this," Max sighed, smoothing down her hair - an action the Max I'd first met would never have done. "I would've told them not to come, but I'd promised them a few nights ago, and-""It's fine," I interrupted, "honestly. I don't care, Max. I just like spending time with you." She smiles gratefully at me and laces her fingers between mine, before pulling me over to sit underneath a tree. We stay like that for a while, just sitting in the shade, staring at the kids milling around in the playground part of the park. Winter's fast approaching now, but today is a rare exception, with the sun shining. It's still a little chilly, but her siblings are having fun, so why aren't we?"…You know, Sam, I've been thinking about us for a while now." I turn to her, surprised; she doesn't usually talk openly about our relationship, yet alone let on that she's been seriously thinking about it. She likes to play the "guess-what-I'm-thinking" game - acting casual and laid-back, trying to make things look like she doesn't really care what happens next… so I know what she says next will either be really good, or really bad.
"You have?" I try not to let my voice tremble. I don't want her to think whatever she's about to tell me may just break my heart. Luckily, I don't think she's really noticed.
"Yeah. I know we're getting on really well, and we've been out a couple of times, but…"
What do you mean, getting on really well? We're dating, aren't we? We're in love, right? Happy? Together?
And what are you talking about, a couple of times? Have you forgotten our first date, a movie and a trip to the ice-cream parlour? Have you forgotten our second, where you stole some fireworks out of your brother Jeff's room and we set off some crackly ones by the wreck centre? Our third, where we went to the park to shoot some hoops? Can you not remember all the times I called for you and we went to eat at a pizza place, or play some ping pong round mine? Can you not recall the rare times you came round my house in tears and tried to hit me, which then turned into you teaching me self-defence and street-fighting?
Please say you didn't leave all those memories behind when you ditched the combat clothing.
"The thing is, Sam… it's not you honestly, it's just… me."
I still can't believe this is happening. Please, Max… please don't make excuses.
"It's a really funny story, see. I get really paranoid, and sometimes I feel like I can't trust people…"
How is this a funny story? You're breaking up with me. Worst of all, now, after all this time I've believed we've truly been in love, you've come out and said that you don't trust me…
How am I supposed to listen to the rest of this?
"…So I think we need to take a break from each other. Of course, I don't mean this like forever. Just a love tap, you know what I mean? We just need to distance ourselves for a little while. You understand, right?"
Do I understand? As we were walking here you were cheerful and laughing with me, holding my hand as your siblings raced in front of us. And now, all of a sudden, you're telling me we need to leave that all behind and go back to how we were when we first met.
Can't you see how serious I feel about you?
"Yeah, I understand. It's perfectly clear." I grit my teeth as she looks pleased.
"You do? Great! I promise, Sam, this is for the best. It's not like we won't see each other or anything, it's-"
"I'll see you at school, Max." I see her stop and stare, and it kills me. So I turn around, shoving my hands in my pockets and walking away. She calls after me, but how can I turn around? If I do, she'll see my tears. And she'll never want to see me again, yet alone go back to loving me.
"Sam! Wait, Sam, please… you don't understand…!" Oh, I don't? I don't know how it feels to be ignored, do I? Of course not. Cause I'm only Sam, the guy you're going out with. The guy you're supposed to be in love with. The guy who dotes on you and cares about you and adores you and spends all his time thinking about you.
I bet you don't trust me with the privilege of understanding you. It's not like you trust me with anything else, after all.
I sigh and stare up at the bare trees, their branches blurring as I continue to cry. Snow begins to fall, and tears in winter were only meant to make your face numb.
Maybe that's for the best.
I didn't see Max after that. I couldn't face her over the next week, and I heard rumours about there being something fishy going on at her house. Unable to wait any longer, I finally forced myself out of the comfort of my own home to go and visit her. To see if there was any way of fixing what she broke off.
But as I rang the frosty doorbell and Anne answered, smile pained and very obviously forced, my heart sank, and I knew those rumours were true. Something had been going on.
"Sam? Hello there, dear! How have you been?"
"Can I see Max?" My voice shook; already I was beginning to have a bad feeling. She froze for a moment, before sighing and shaking her head.
"They left yesterday," she replied bitterly, "all six of them. I'm sorry. There was nothing I could do to stop them…"
"…It's okay." I left shortly after, trudging home in the snow. I felt numb all over. Max was gone? After a year of being here… she was gone, just like that?
I hurt all over. Did she leave because we broke up? Or did she break up with me because she knew she would be leaving, and couldn't bring herself to tell me?It's like the dumb question of, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?", which was a question Max asked me frequently when we were together.
It took me until I'd already gotten home to realise everything about Max was now in the past tense.
I cried so hard that day, knowing she was truly gone and I couldn't find her again. Knowing I would probably never get another glimpse of that beautiful girl I loved more than anybody else.
And now it's been four years and I saw her photograph in the paper.
"Mysterious Bird-Kids Exposed!"
So her name is actually Maximum Ride. And she has wings. The girl I love, with a personality far higher than anybody else's… she's a bird-kid on the run from scientists trying to take her down. And yet she'd still had time to sit down and smell the roses with me when she was in Virginia. That only made me cry harder.
They have their own radio show now. They sit down and people call up, ask them questions. So I call now. Why not? It's not like they can turn me away, and I need answers. More than anybody else.
"Hello! You're on the air with Maximum Ride!""Hey, Max. It's me."
"Hey, mystery caller! What's your question?" She doesn't know me; she doesn't know me.
"Max… where are you now?" She laughs at my question.
"Well, in the station, of course!" She then sighs, seeming to get bored of me quickly. "Right, well, next caller, please!"
The phone line goes dead, and I know now that I've truly lost her. She's not frowning and anxious anymore, like she used to be a lot of the time we were together, and that in itself is a relief. But now I live with a regret forever; I never got to ask my other question.
Will we ever meet again?
A/N: Hey. Second Maximum Ride fanfic and I was in an awkward mood. I seem to be one of the only people out there that ships Max and Sam, and even then, this fic still turned out damn depressing. Poor Sam. You are loved by me, baby.
The inspiration came from the song "Piledriver Waltz" by Alex Turner. It's for the film 'Submarine', which I haven't seen yet but I read the book. It was really good, but apparently the movie's REALLY different… not sure whether I should watch it or not.
SPOILER ALERT: The book's a bit like this fic. The guy and the girl are together, but in the book they break up (which apparently doesn't really happen in the movie), and unlike most books where they get back together, these two never really get close again after they end it. Which, in my opinion, is what really makes it such a good book. Stingy because it's a more honest outcome.
But anyway, enough of me ranting about my favourite book. XD Care to review for Sam? He could do with some love ;w;