Bear in mind...this could take quite a while
ok, as you want sumthin 2 read...i'll give it 2 u, k? hope u dont mind if
it's info on stuff (or RED DWARF quotes) (that should get ur attantion)
hehehehehheeheheh...SO HERE WE GO.........:
RED DWARF (got ur attention yet??) QUOTES:
|RED DWARF V |
|Holoship |
|LISTER: Rimmer, you said that about "King of Kings --|
|the story of Jesus!" |
|RIMMER: Well, it's true! A simple carpenter's son who|
|learns how to do magic tricks like that and doesn't |
|go into show-business? Do any of us believe that, |
|even for a second? |
|LISTER: He was supposed to be the Son of God. |
|RIMMER: And when he was carrying that cross up the |
|hill, any normal realistic bloke would have |
|mule-kicked the guy on the left, clobbered the one on|
|the right, and been over that green hill and far away|
|before you could say "Pontius Pilate." |
|CAT: What? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we |
|drop the defensive shields? |
|KRYTEN: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two |
|minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive |
|shields, and two, we don't have any defensive |
|shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, |
|that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big |
|one it was worth mentioning twice. |
|KRYTEN: They've taken Mr. Rimmer. (With more urgency)|
|Sir! They've taken Mr. Rimmer! |
|CAT: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring |
|him back! |
|LIFT: Floor 3125: Sports and sexual recreation. |
|RIMMER: (Suddenly stops grinning inanely) Sports and |
|what? |
|CRANE: Sex. Don't you have a sex deck on your ship? |
|RIMMER: Nnno. |
|CRANE: Well, what do you do when you want to have |
|sex? |
|RIMMER: Well... we go for runs. Watch gardening |
|programmes on the ship's vid. |
|CRANE: We have developed beyond love, Mr. Rimmer. |
|That is a short-term hormonal distraction which |
|interferes with the pure pursuit of personal |
|advancement. We are holograms. There is no risk of |
|disease or pregnancy. That is why in our society we |
|only believe in sex -- constant, guilt-free sex. |
|CAT: Well, I say let's break out the laser cannons |
|and give 'em both barrels. |
|KRYTEN: An adroit suggestion sir, with just two minor|
|drawbacks. |
|CAT: (Loudly) OK, forget it! |
|LISTER: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a |
|complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin |
|absent -- presumed missing. Genitalia small and |
|inoffensive. Of no value or interest. |
|RIMMER: I've guided that ragamuffin, ragtail crew of |
|whacked out crazies and hippy peace-niks through hell|
|and back. If I gave the order those guys would crawl |
|on their bellies across broken glass with their flies|
|unzipped. So don't tell me I'm not an officer, |
|Captain, just because in deep space there's no |
|academy around to award me my pips. |
|RIMMER: We may as well have been playing tennis. |
|CRANE: As it should be. |
|RIMMER: I, er, don't suppose you'd fancy a tie-break?|
| |
|CRANE: You know ... we usually talk. |
|RIMMER: What do you talk about? |
|CRANE: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles. |
| |
|RIMMER: I'm sorry. I must have seemed very ignorant. |
|I hardly said anything apart from, "geronimo." |
|RIMMER: But it _is_ possible. |
|KRYTEN: Possible but highly dangerous. The side |
|effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a|
|gibbering simpleton. |
|CAT: Reduced? |
|LISTER: Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous,|
|emotionally-weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs. Do you |
|really think you're going to fit in with them? |
|(Pause) What am I saying? Bon voyage! |
|KRYTEN: Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your|
|sanity, you haven't even considered the moral |
|implications of your decision. You will be joining a |
|society where you will be compelled to have sex with |
|beautiful, brilliant women twice daily, on demand. |
|Now, am I really the only one here who finds that |
|just a little bit tacky? |
|(LISTER and CAT are speechless) |
|Well, quite clearly I am! |
|KRYTEN: Sir, I've uploaded the two candidates to be |
|inserted into your mind, science officer Buchan -- |
|excellent scientific background, one hundred and |
|sixty nine IQ -- and flight coordinator McQueen -- |
|superlative mathematician, one hundred and seventy |
|two IQ. Now, even taking into account the enormous |
|drag-factor of your own mind, I still think we'll |
|come up with something pretty special. |
|RIMMER: Wasn't it St. Francis of Assisi himself who |
|said, "Never give a sucker an even break?" |
|KRYTEN: Well if he did, sir, it was strictly off the |
|record. |
|RIMMER: I could translate it into mandarin for you. |
|LISTER: Rimmer, we don't speak Japanese, we don't |
|speak mandarin, and we don't speak satsuma! |
|HARRISON: Basically you spend your time salvaging |
|derelict spaceships, playing poker, and eating |
|curries. |
|LISTER: Well we don't do that much salvaging. |
|HARRISON: But you do sound like you eat a lot of |
|curries. |
|LISTER: There's one or two other people that we have |
|to see, but in theory if we offered you the post of |
|replacement hologram would you accept? |
|HARRISON: No. |
|LISTER: No. |
|HARRISON: No, I think, erm, I'm better off where I |
|am. |
|CAT: But you're dead! |
|HARRISON: And meeting you guys has really made me |
|appreciate it a whole lot more. |
|CRANE: I've never met anyone like you before. |
|RIMMER: Everyone says that. |
|RIMMER: Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and |
|I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on |
|with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably |
|wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want|
|to say ... that over the years, ... I have come to |
|regard you ... as ... people ... I met. I'd just |
|better go, OK? |
|LISTER: See you smeghead. |
|RIMMER: Oh and sir, you're wrong. We won't be apart, |
|we just ... won't be together. |
|A look of disgust comes over RIMMER's face. |
|RIMMER: I cannot believe I just said that! |
| |
|The Inquisitor |
|KRYTEN: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid. Oh, the epic tale of |
|Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy -- the most |
|classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put |
|quill to parchment! |
|LISTER: Yeah, it's the comic book version. It's good |
|though, man. Absolutely full of history. |
|KRYTEN: (Reading from comic book) Zap, pow, kersplat,|
|die in bed you Trojan pig-dog, gnyarrg, kerpow. I see|
|they've remained faithful to the original text. I'm |
|sure Virgil would have approved. |
|LISTER: So all of a sudden they wake up one mornin' |
|and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city |
|walls they've left this gift; this tribute to their |
|valiant foes: a huge wooden horse, just large enough |
|to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress |
|and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities? |
| |
|Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, "Hang on a |
|minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzy. What's wrong |
|with a couple hundred pairs of socks and some |
|aftershave?" No, they don't -- they just wheel it in |
|and all decide to go for an early night! People that |
|stupid deserve to be kerpowed, zapped and kersplatted|
|in their beds! You know what the big joke is? From |
|this particular phase in history we derive the |
|phrase, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts," when it |
|would be much more logical to derive the phrase, |
|"Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads!" |
|RIMMER: So, Kryten, you've heard of this |
|"Inquisitor?" |
|KRYTEN: (With unnecessary melodrama) Only as a myth; |
|a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the |
|flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever |
|hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented |
|vegetable products and compete in tales of |
|blood-chilling terror!! |
|RIMMER: A simple "yes" would have sufficed. |
|KRYTEN: THAT is the Inquisitor -- he prunes away the |
|wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the |
|worthless! |
|RIMMER: We're in big trouble. |
|LISTER: Wait a minute! Who's to say what's worthless?|
| |
|CAT: Oh please! Take a look in the mirror! Read your |
|entry in "Who's Nobody!" |
|RIMMER: Well, let's face it, Listy, lying on your |
|bunk, reading "What Bike?" and eating sugar puff |
|sandwiches for eight hours every day is unlikely to |
|qualify. |
|KRYTEN: Sir! Sir, you don't have to be a great |
|philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply |
|have to seize the gift of life! |
|RIMMER: Oh god. |
|KRYTEN: Make a contribution! |
|RIMMER: Oh god. |
|KRYTEN: No matter how small! |
|RIMMER: Oh god. |
|KRYTEN: You simply have to have lead a life that |
|wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving! |
|RIMMER: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you! |
|LISTER: Hang on a minute, why should we have to take |
|any notice of some half-crazed rogue robot who's |
|appointed himself judge and jury to the whole of |
|humanity? Why should we kowtow to his judgment? |
|The INQUISITOR takes control of LISTER's body again. |
|He spine stiffens and electric arcs crackle around |
|him. |
|INQUISITOR: Because I have the power to snap your |
|body in two like a dry reed! |
|LISTER: Good answer, man, good answer! |
|INQUISITOR: See me now and tremble! The Inquisition |
|begins! Prove to me you are worthy of the honor of |
|life, or drink deeply from the well of nothingness |
|for all eternity! |
|CAT: I hate these either-or questions. |
|INQUISITOR: Because, like all who stand before the |
|Inquisitor, your judge shall be... |
|The INQUISITOR lifts his facemask to reveal... |
|RIMMER's face. |
|INQUISITOR: ...yourself! |
|RIMMER: Oh smeg! |
|INQUISITOR: "Oh smeg," indeed, matey! |
|RIMMER: Well, first I-- |
|INQUISITOR: (Interrupting) Liar! |
|INQUISITOR: Some might say that's a pretty shallow |
|argument. |
|CAT: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy. But a |
|shallow guy with a great ass! |
|LISTER: He's crazy, Kryten! He's erased the Cat and |
|Rimmer! |
|INQUISITOR: They are quite safe. |
|LISTER: Yo, we're not the enemy! There's a guy 'round|
|'ere somewhere, wanderin' 'round obliteratin' people |
|from history! We used to be your shipmates. |
|RIMMER: (Sarcastically) Only we've forgotten you. |
|LISTER: Yeah! |
|RIMMER: (To CAT) Well, I don't know about you, but |
|I'm convinced. |
|LISTER: (Cutting RIMMER off) Fiona Barringson! |
|Fifteen years of age. You got off with her in your |
|Dad's greenhouse. You thought you got lucky but it |
|turned out all the time that you had your hand in |
|warm compost. How could I know that, and not know |
|you? |
|RIMMER: (Out of the side of his mouth, to CAT) Not |
|true! |
|LISTER: You got three brothers: John, Howard, and |
|Frank. You're really mean with money. You're a |
|tremendous physical coward. You once spent an |
|afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard, and four |
|people committed suicide! Your middle name's Judas, |
|but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. You sign |
|all your official letters A.J. Rimmer, B.S.C., and |
|B.S.C. stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate. You're|
|a cheating, weaselly, lowlife scumbucket, with all |
|the charm and social grace of a pubic louse! CAT: (To|
|RIMMER) Gotta admit, bud, he's got a handle on ya |
|there. |
|RIMMER nods in agreement. |
|RIMMER: Look, they're from some freaky alternative |
|dimension, they've come here to hijack this ship and |
|do... oooh, weird things to us. I think we should |
|take the lift, put them on the security deck and |
|stick them in the brig. |
|CAT: I hate to say it, but for once |
|TransAm-wheel-arch-nostrils is right. Come on, get |
|moving! |
|KRYTEN: Logically, sir, there is only one way you |
|could have possibly have opened that door. I feel |
|quite nauseous. Where is it? |
|LISTER: Where's what? |
|KRYTEN: Oh, sir!! You've got it in your jacket!! |
|KRYTEN: Sir, I am programmed to relinquish my life. |
|That's why the Mechanoid 4000 series was voted |
|"Android of the Year" five years running! I have as |
|much interest in saving my own life as a |
|chronically-depressed lemming. |
|LISTER: That's not true, is it? |
|KRYTEN: Sir? |
|LISTER: Kryten, I know when you're lying. Your right |
|foot jiggles. It's involuntary. |
|KRYTEN: Nonsense. |
|(It jiggles harder.) |
|I'm not afraid to die. (Harder still.) |
|For me, death holds no fear. (His leg is now jiggling|
|so much his whole body is moving.) |
|I believe in Silicon Heaven! I believe in an |
|afterlife for androids! Haven't you got through those|
|damn manacles yet!? |
|KRYTEN: Sir, we really must get down to the storage |
|bay. Now remember my message to us -- that is where |
|we meet the Inquisitor for the final confrontation. |
|CAT: That's your plan? We go out there and face him? |
|Nice plan. Shall I paint a bullseye on my face? |
|LISTER: I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in|
|my life. |
|KRYTEN: Considering the circumstances, sir, do you |
|really believe that's wise? |
|LISTER: (Mocking KRYTEN) Excuse me, could I possibly |
|just distract you for just a brief second? |
|KRYTEN: It was the best I could ad-lib at the time. |
|KRYTEN: Look sir, I've got to go back in time and |
|sacrifice myself in order that we can get into this |
|mess we're in now in the first place. |
|KRYTEN: All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer, |
|hasn't it, sir? |
|KRYTEN: I believe this is an appropriate juncture for|
|you to give me five, sir. |
|LISTER: Give you five? I can do better than that! |
|(Holding up the severed hand) I can give you fifteen!|
| |
| |
|Terrorform |
|CPU: Your ambulatory system has been destroyed, and |
|your life expectancy is currently estimated at 67 |
|minutes. If there is any further news we will keep |
|you updated. In the meantime, here is a little music.|
| |
|KRYTEN: Kryten personal blackbox recording. Time: |
|unknown. Location: unknown. Cause of accident: |
|unknown. Should someone find this recording perhaps |
|it will shed light as to what happened here. |
|KRYTEN: My short term memory has been erased. This I |
|ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from |
|Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the proximity|
|of the magnetic coils, my short- term memory appears |
|to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure |
|of my short-term memory, has has left me a little |
|disoriented, |
|POSSIBLE RESPONSES: REFER TO QUALIFIED SERVICE |
|PERSONNEL. LIMITED FRONT LINE REPAIR ROUTINE: |
|CANNIBALISE AND RECONFIGURE, CHECK TRADE-IN PRICE |
|AGAINST A SERIES 5000 MODEL. |
|HOLLY: And the prospect of waking up and finding one |
|crawling over your clammy, naked, helpless body has |
|always filled you with a kind of cold dread? |
|LISTER: Well, yeah. Wotya trying to say to me, Holly?|
| |
|HOLLY: I'm saying it might not be your night. |
|LISTER: Kill it |
|CAT: How? |
|LISTER: I can't think straight. I've got a |
|taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting|
|up home in my joy department. Help me. |
|CAT: I'm scared |
|LISTER: YOU'RE scared. How d'you think I feel? |
|CAT: You haven't SEEN it!! |
|LISTER: The lower half of my body has gone numb. |
|CAT: That's probably for the best. |
|LISTER: It's moving |
| Oh *#%^**!!!! |
|LISTER: Kryten, man. Keep still. I'm trying to draw a|
|line here. I don't want it to go all wonky. I want as|
|much of you as possible. |
|KRYTEN: Sir, a couple of brief points. Firstly, you |
|are not a qualified service engineer and consequently|
|sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee. |
|Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can of |
|sardines that was already open. |
|CAT: Oops. You're right. He really isn't dead. I owe |
|you twenty. |
|KRYTEN: Well, there are gaps. I remember Mr. Rimmer |
|spotted an S3 planet on the scope and wanted to claim|
|it on behalf of the Space Corps. As usual the |
|ceremony consisted of planting the flag and singing |
|all 23 stanzas of the Space Corps Anthem. Then the |
|planet started to erupt around us, which, frankly, |
|came as something of a relief. |
|KRYTEN: Then things got a bit sketchy. I remember an |
|explosion and then blackness. And then I remember Mr.|
|Rimmer screaming. I have an image of his face twisted|
|with fear, pain, anguish, dread -- absolutely |
|mortified. |
|CAT: Did someone suggest he pick up the tab for |
|lunch? |
|CAT: This is one weird place. Strange animal noises, |
|unbearable stench, squelchy underfoot. It's just like|
|your laundry basket at the end of the month. |
|KRYTEN: We are interlopers inside Mr. Rimmer's mind. |
| |
|CAT: This sounds like a 12-change-of-underwear trip. |
| |
|LISTER: Rimmer's lust monster?! Urrgh. |
|LISTER: Remember, it's Rimmer's mind out there. |
|(Throws a bazookoid up and catches it.) Expect |
|sickness. |
|LISTER: Is it just me or are those frogs saying, |
|"Useless?" |
|FROGS: Useless, useless, Rimmer, Rimmer. |
|LISTER: Look, we've got two choices. Either we go in |
|with bazookoids blazing and try and somehow get him |
|out of there or we sit here like lemons and watch him|
|get tortured. |
|CAT: Anybody got any opera glasses? |
|KRYTEN: In binary language it goes something like |
|this: 001100111011000111100, which roughly translated|
|means, "Don't stand around jabbering when you're in |
|mortal danger." |
|RIMMER: Why're you all looking at me like that? Like,|
|as if this is all my fault? Have you any idea what |
|kind of day I've had? I've been kidnapped, stripped, |
|oiled, menaced, manacled, licked, nibbled, chained, |
|tortured, humiliated, and I nearly had a knobbly |
|thing the size and shape of a Mexican agabe cactus |
|jammed up where only customs men dare to probe. |
|LISTER: We've got to tell him we love him. |
|CAT: Arrrrgh, you're sick! I want no part of this |
|depravity! |
|CAT: It's true. They really do care about you. |
|RIMMER: Only this morning you referred to me as a |
|cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity. |
|LISTER: In an affectionate way. In a kidding around, |
|joking, friendly, affectionate way. |
|RIMMER: It was all baloney, wasn't it? |
|LISTER: What was? |
|RIMMER: All that hugging stuff back there. It was |
|just a way of escaping, wasn't it? I mean you didn't |
|really feel that deep down I'm an OK sort of bloke; |
|I'm not such a bad old stick once you get to know me.|
|You didn't really mean any of that, did you? |
|The others pause briefly to glance at each other and |
|then respond together. |
|OTHERS: (Matter-of-factly) No. |
| |
|Quarantine |
|RIMMER: Clearly I am superfluous to this entire |
|operation, ably commanded as it is by a droid who was|
|created purely to clean lavatories. So I really don't|
|know why you're telling me all this, Captain Bog-Bot.|
| |
|RIMMER: This vessel, gentlemen and khazi droids, the |
|crimson short one up there, can only sustain one |
|hologram, or had you forgotten? |
|RIMMER: You hadn't forgotten? |
|LISTER: Look, we could work something out. Some kind |
|of "timeshare" thing. |
|RIMMER: What d'you mean? What do you think I am, a |
|holiday villa in the Algarve? |
|LISTER: (Sighs) We're a real Mickey Mouse operation |
|aren't we? |
|CAT: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop! |
|LISTER: Why can't we ever meet anyone nice? |
|CAT: Why don't we ever meet anyone who can shoot |
|straight? |
|LISTER: (Still garbled) We need backup, man, we need |
|it bad and we need it now! |
|RIMMER: Everything OK? |
|LISTER: What, can't you hear me?! |
|RIMMER: (Lying through his teeth) I'm sorry, Lister, |
|you're very faint. |
|KRYTEN: Dr. Lanstrom has contracted some sort of |
|mutated holo-plague and is in a fearful psychopathic |
|fury. |
|RIMMER: Marvellous! I'm sure she'll be a valuable |
|asset to the team. |
|RIMMER: Well we know what to get you for Christmas: a|
|double lobotomy and 10 rolls of rubber wallpaper. |
|KRYTEN: Lanstrom claims to have isolated several |
|strains of positive virus: inspiration, charisma, |
|sexual magnetism-- |
|CAT: Sexual magnetism is a virus? Then get me to a |
|hospital, I'm a terminal case! |
|KRYTEN: Well, at a very basic level she predicted a |
|kind of "reverse flu" a strain of virus which |
|promotes an unaccountable feeling of well being and |
|happiness. |
|LISTER: That's happened to me! Me life's been turned |
|to complete and utter crud, and I've woken up in the |
|morning feeling good for no apparent reason! |
|KRYTEN: The chances are, sir, that on those occasions|
|you had unwittingly contracted Lanstrom's virus. |
|According to her notes, twentieth-century DJs |
|suffered from it all the time. |
|KRYTEN: Yes! The most popular pastimes have always |
|been ones that males can enjoy alone: angling, golf, |
|and of course the all time number one. |
|CAT: It's not just humans! Look what happens when two|
|male tigers are locked up together! One of them winds|
|up on the other guy's toothpick! |
|KRYTEN: Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats, even vultures|
|when they're in captivity. |
|LISTER: What are you saying to me? Vultures need |
|personal space? They need like time alone if they're |
|to put their feet up and read "What Carcass |
|Magazine?" |
|KRYTEN: And if you still want to be alive when there |
|is only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow|
|your nose. |
|LISTER: Do you mind if I ask why? |
|KRYTEN: Well, let's forego the noise and the |
|revolting burbling sound, and go straight to the |
|really gross part, when you always, and I mean |
|always, having blown your nose have to open up your |
|handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean,|
|why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner |
|seascape, perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An |
|undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet? |
|RIMMER: I can't let you out. |
|LISTER: Why not? |
|RIMMER: Because the King of the Potato People won't |
|let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and |
|wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for |
|ten years. |
|CAT: Could we see him? |
|RIMMER: See who? |
|CAT: The King. |
|RIMMER: Do you have a magic carpet? |
|LISTER: Yeah, a little three-seater. |
|RIMMER: So, let me get this straight. You want to fly|
|on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato |
|People and plead with him for your freedom, and |
|you're telling me you are completely sane?! |
|LISTER: Kryten, man, are you OK? |
|KRYTEN: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my |
|spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a |
|crimp on your day. |
|RIMMER: Mr. Flibble's very cross. You shouldn't have |
|ran away from him. What are we going to to with them,|
|Mr. Flibble? |
|Mr. FLIBBLE whispers something in RIMMER's ear. |
|RIMMER: We can't possibly do that! Who would clear up|
|the mess? |
|KRYTEN: I think he's going to be OK, sir. |
|LISTER: He's gonna be OK? (KRYTEN nods yes.) The luck|
|virus must have worn off. |
| |
|Demons and Angels |
|RIMMER: (Quite unimpressed) Well, I don't know if the|
|Nobel Prize people run a fruit section, but if they |
|do you've got to be this year's hot tip. Gentlemen, |
|history beckons! You'll be famous. They'll build your|
|statues. They'll even name towns after you. |
|"Dorksville" springs instantly to mind. |
|HOLLY: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has|
|knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many |
|Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon |
|shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is not a |
|daffodil! |
|RIMMER: Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected. |
|RIMMER: Er, I think a brisk stroll in the direction |
|of the cargo bay could be an outstanding career move |
|at this point. |
|LISTER: What are you saying? Red Dwarf's gonna blow? |
| |
|KRYTEN: In less time than it takes a Norwegian to buy|
|ski-boots! |
|KRYTEN: Well, according to the charts, the nearest |
|asteroid with an S3 atmosphere is six hours away. The|
|trouble is, we only have enough fuel for five hours |
|flight. I don't think that's going to prove to be a |
|major problem, though, because we only have enough |
|oxygen for seven minutes. |
|RIMMER: I'm just being a realist. Look, you only have|
|seven minutes left to live. That's tragic. (With a |
|strange smile) God, it's tragic. |
|KRYTEN: Remember, you are operating on emergency |
|battery supplies. We have no spares. In fact, you |
|yourself, sir, will expire in a little under four |
|minutes. |
|RIMMER: (Performing an exaggerated "Boyz from the |
|Dwarf" hands dangle) |
|Okay, home boys, let's posse! |
|LISTER: I tell you one thing: I've been to a parallel|
|universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've |
|played pool with planets, and I've given birth to |
|twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd |
|taste an edible Pot Noodle. |
|HIGH CAT: I am part of you; your higher self; your |
|spiritual side. I exist in you as potential, but now |
|I'm here -- extrapolated from your being. |
|CAT: Extrapo-what-alated? Buddy, there is no way |
|you're a part of me. No part of me would ever be seen|
|alive in sandals! |
|HIGH CAT: I find clothes a distraction from the |
|pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment. |
|CAT: That's weird, because I find spiritual and |
|intellectual fulfillment a distraction from the |
|pursuit of clothes! |
|KRYTEN: With respect, sir, you think Jesus was a |
|hippy. |
|RIMMER: Well, he was. He had long hair; he didn't |
|have a job. What more do you want? |
|HIGH KRYTEN: The poor wretch. He has a faulty gun. He|
|has accidentally shot me five times. Oh, how I love |
|him! |
|HIGH CAT: Brother, there is a grievous fault in thine|
|weapon. It keepeth shooting people. |
|A bullet hits him in the right side of the chest. The|
|HIGH CAT points to the wound |
|HIGH CAT: You see? There it goes again! |
|CAT: You haven't got a weapon! |
|HIGH RIMMER: We have no need of weapons, feline |
|brother. We wear protective herbs. |
|CAT: I'm going with Bot-Brain. |
|CAT: Nice movie collection. "Revenge of the Mutant |
|Splat Gore Monster." "Die Screaming with Sharp Things|
|in your Head." |
|KRYTEN: Gore movies. Weapons magazines. This place is|
|a shrine to everything that's low and base. |
|Everything that's designed to sicken the soul and |
|shrivel the spirit. |
|KRYTEN opens the fridge |
|KRYTEN: Urg! Toastie Toppers. Ugh! Cinema hot dogs. |
|Ogh! Sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming |
|out! Ogh! |
|CAT: I found Goalpost-Head. No sign of |
|Dormouse-Cheeks, though. |
|KRYTEN: Sir, we were so worried. What happened? |
|RIMMER: We were ambushed by a platoon of Lows. I was |
|leading a valiant rearguard action. CAT: I found him |
|shivering in a box. |
|RIMMER: It was tactical maneouvre to outfox the |
|enemy. |
|CAT: As was using his uniform as a temporary latrine.|
| |
|KRYTEN: I'm going to come around behind you now, sir.|
| |
|LISTER: Okay, Kryten, take me by surprise! |
|KRYTEN: I'm coming around behind you to take you by |
|surprise, sir. |
|LISTER: Get on with it, surprise me! |
|KRYTEN: You may get an unpleasant sensation of |
|chloroform. Don't be alarmed. |
|LISTER: Surprise me now! |
|KRYTEN: Here comes my surprise, sir. |
| |
|Back to Reality |
|CAT: Hey, wait a minute! I've got it! Don't fish swim|
|south for the winter? |
|KRYTEN: No, that's _birds_, sir. |
|CAT: _Birds_ swim south for the winter?! How do they |
|breath? |
|KRYTEN: I'm merely stating the known facts. This fish|
|relinquished its life of its own free will. Damned |
|fool! |
|LISTER: Why would a haddock kill itself? Why am I |
|even asking that question? |
|CAT: Hang five, guys, I'm getting something. |
|(Pointing to each corpse in turn with his torch) He |
|committed suicide, he committed suicide, he committed|
|suicide, and the fish committed suicide. There's some|
|kind of link here I can't quite make out. |
|LISTER: I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. |
|(Beginning to break down) It's true, I don't think |
|anyone ever truly loved me in my entire life, but |
|there's nothing new about that. |
|CAT: What's gotten into you guys? This is like |
|Saturday night at the Wailing Wall! Why is it always |
|me that has to be the strong one? (Starts to cry |
|also) I mean you guys just fall apart. |
|RIMMER: It's coming straight for us. |
|LISTER: There are only three alternatives. It thinks |
|we're either a threat, food, or a mate. It's gonna |
|either kill us, eat us, or hump us. We can either |
|persuade it that we are not that sort of oceanic |
|salvage vessel or we scarper pronto. |
|CAT: To be diddled by a giant squid on the first |
|date? Think how we'd feel in the morning! |
|CAT:[AS DWANE] What the hell's happened to my teeth?!|
|I can open beer bottles with my overbite!! |
|ANDY: You must have got the easy stuff, though! Here,|
|what did you think of the Planet of the |
|Nymphomaniacs? |
|RIMMER: The Planet of the what?! |
|ANDY: It's a blatant clue, isn't it? |
|ANDY: Yeah! You know the bit where Lister jump starts|
|the second big bang with jump leads from Starbug? |
|RIMMER: (Incredulous) Jump starts the second big |
|bang? |
|ANDY: Well, that's the final irony, issn't it? |
|Lister, the ultimat atheist, turns out in fact to be |
|God! |
|ANDY: Are you ... are you seriously telling me you |
|were playing the pratt version of Rimmer for all that|
|time? For four years?! Wow, that's a classic that is!|
|That's a classic! |
|DWANE: So this is really me?! A no-style gimbo, with |
|teeth the druids could use as a place of worship?! |
|JAKE: Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective. I like |
|that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flat |
|foot who gets the job done by cutting corners and |
|bucking authority. And if those pen-pushers up at |
|City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their |
|over-payed, fat ass's on this mid-digit (Extending |
|his mid-digit) and swivel -- swivel till they squeal |
|like pigs on a honeymoon. |
|RIMMER: On the other hand, "Mr. Bullet," perhaps the |
|Cybernautics division is in charge of traffic |
|control. You just happen to have a rather silly macho|
|name. |
|LISTER: What puzzles me slightly is what a man of |
|such _undoubted_ good breeding would be doing wearing|
|a coat that smells like an elderly male yak has taken|
|a leak in both the pockets. |
|BILLY: Well, isn't it obvious? |
|JAKE: No, it isn't. |
|BILLY: Oh my god! My name is Billy Doyle and my |
|cologne is "Eau de Yak Urine." |
|SEBASTIAN: (Reading) "Vote Fascist for a third |
|glorious decade of total law enforcement." |
|JAKE: (Reading) "Be a government informer. Betray |
|your family & friends. Fabulous prizes to be won." |
|JAKE: (Whipping out his badge in an aggressive |
|manner) Bullet. Cybernautics! |
|COP: That's traffic control. |
|BILLY: This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the |
|fascist police with a murderer and a mass murderer |
|and a man in a {Brie Nidel} shirt. A flotsam, jetsam,|
|human wreckage, sputum bag who smells like a yak |
|latrine. And now my best flashing mac' is about to be|
|splattered with an android's brain. (To JAKE) I'm |
|after you with the gun. |
|SEBASTIAN: (Voice breaking) Yeah, count me in to. |
|DWANE: Ditto. |
|JAKE: But there's only one bullet left! |
|DWANE: Ah, we could put our heads together and the |
|bullet could go down the line. |
|KRYTEN: The Cat lost his "Cool" and life for him no |
|longer had any meaning because he is so |
|mind-meltingly shallow. |
|CAT: That's right, superficial _is_ my middle name. |
|CAT: (Happily) I'm not Dwane Dibbley? |
|KRYTEN: No. |
|RIMMER: (Disappointed) I _am_ Rimmer. |
|KRYTEN: (Sadly) I'm afraid so. |
|LISTER: Those planet engineers really screwed up in a|
|big way here, didn't they? Playing god. The |
|evolutionary process threw up a life force so much |
|stronger and more deadly than any other species -- |
|damn near wiped out everything on the entire planet. |
|Spreading despair and destruction wherever it stuck |
|its ugly mush. |
|KRYTEN: Hmm, that sounds rather reminiscent of a |
|species sitting not a million miles away from me now.|
|Ha ha ha! (He laughs alone.) |
|KRYTEN: You probably have to be a mechanoid to fully |
|appreciate that one. |
|RIMMER: Kryten, no one likes a smart-alec android. |
So there you are - enough to give you a headache, well enough to give me one anyway.............................. Here's some more......a lot betta than the first lot....as i was looking for the WHOLE "Lister to red dwarf" speech...finally i found it...so here we are with some more quotes...: Lister: Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school
summer camp trip to the Ganwee. I had the tent next to her, right.
And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird
noise. She didn't think men were better than machines.
-Lister, after Rimmer states that man is better than machine.
Lister: We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can
someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat: Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's
the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I'm worried about!
Holly: Nothing wrong with Dog's milk, lasts longer than any other
type of milk.
Lister: Why's that?
Holly: No bugger will drink it!
I may be a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!
-Cat
Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back.
Cat: My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry!
Lister: Rimmer's Dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer Chicken!
People always leave me. I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little
lemming. I even built a ledge so he could hurl himself off of. One
Christmas morning I put my finger into his cage to give him some
mince pie; he bit me. He sunk his teeth into my hand. That little
lemming broke my heart. I had to smash his brains out on the wall.
The little git completely ruined my helicopter wall paper.
-Rimmer
Rimmer: What should we do with them Mr. Flibble
[mr flibble (the hand puppet) whispers in Rimmer's ear]
Rimmer: We can't do that! Who'd clear up the mess?
Oh smeg! What the smeggin' smeg's he smeggin' done? He's smeggin'
killed me!
-Lister
I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 -- the same
I.Q. as 6000 P.E. teachers.
-Holly
This is mine, that's mine, I'm claiming all this as mine ... except
that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine!
Hey, this has been a good day! I've eaten five times, I've slept six
times, and I'd made a lot of things mine! Tomorrow I'm going to see
if I can't have sex with something! (starts dancing around and
singing) S-E-X I think I want it. S-E-X I think I'll get it. (sees
Lister lying on floor) S-E-X I think I found it.
-Cat
Lister: Love is what separates us from animals.
Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't
use our tongues to clean our own genitals.
He won't find that one -- not until he changes his boots. (sees
Lister, hides his face) "Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good
look at his face? Could you spot him in a parade?" I don't think so
-- that could have been anybody!
-Cat
Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that
lemon meringue pie, man -- what was in that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that -- you brought some back.
Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!
Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through
loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on
reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing
potatoes.
-Holly
You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
-Rimmer
The wacked-out crazy hippy drummer is called Dobbin. He joined the
police force in the end -- became a Grand Wizard in the Freemasons.
The bass is called Gazza. He was a neo-marxist nihilistic anarchist.
Eventually he joined a large insurance company and got his own
parking space.
-Lister
Holly: Ah, got him: `Tension Sheet, inventor of, Dave Lister, aged 17.'
Rimmer: Damn!
Holly: And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.
Rimmer: 98!
Holly: His own fault, apparently -- he was making love to his 14th
wife and lost control of the plane.
Rimmer: Have you got any photographs?
Holly: Not of that, no!
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm
initial speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or
interest here. It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels
-- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight
design flaws. Crew: three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt
out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvagable value. Ah,
Felix Sapiens -- bred from the domestic housecat, and about half as
smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we here? A
human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid
20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly,
otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no
value or interest.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot.
Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia
small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The
human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient
tuition could, maybe, master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a
rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling
could, possibly, be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that
he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully
unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions
cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd
better be history in two seconds flat. (eats cigarette, removes his
jacket)
Binks: Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With
speed. Enlightment, quickly, please.
I'm not the greatest at making speeches, so I'll just get this over
with. I know I haven't been the easiest person to get along with,
and I know, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as
friends.I just want to say. over the years, I have come to regard you
as ... people I met.
-Rimmer
"Kryten personal blackbox recording. Time: unknown. Location:
unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Should someone find this
recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here. My
short-term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of
the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the
proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have
been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory,
has left me a little disoriented."
-Kryten
(lines like ` this' are typed -- spelling errors sic)
Lister: Help. Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a
taranshula.
Cat: You're playing that dumb adventure game!
Lister: It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest.
Cat: Well, buy a potion from Gandalf the Master Wizard -- that's what
I usually do.
Lister: I'm SERIOUS.
Cat: (looks down, sees it, then begins typing too) It has an eye
the size of a meatball.
Lister: Kill it.
Cat: How?
Lister: I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye
the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
Cat: I'm scared
Lister: YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel?
Cat: You haven't SEEN it!
Lister: The lower half of my body has gone numb.
Cat: That's probably for the best.
Lister: It's moving. Oh *$%^**!!!!
Hand: Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow.
Kryten: Sir, a couple of brief points: firstly, you're not a
qualified service engineer, and, consequently, sawing me in two will
invalidate my guarantee; secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can
of sardines that was already open.
Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my
voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my
database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is not a
daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.
Luv, Jayne xx
So there you are - enough to give you a headache, well enough to give me one anyway.............................. Here's some more......a lot betta than the first lot....as i was looking for the WHOLE "Lister to red dwarf" speech...finally i found it...so here we are with some more quotes...: Lister: Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school
summer camp trip to the Ganwee. I had the tent next to her, right.
And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird
noise. She didn't think men were better than machines.
-Lister, after Rimmer states that man is better than machine.
Lister: We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can
someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat: Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's
the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I'm worried about!
Holly: Nothing wrong with Dog's milk, lasts longer than any other
type of milk.
Lister: Why's that?
Holly: No bugger will drink it!
I may be a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!
-Cat
Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back.
Cat: My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry!
Lister: Rimmer's Dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer Chicken!
People always leave me. I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little
lemming. I even built a ledge so he could hurl himself off of. One
Christmas morning I put my finger into his cage to give him some
mince pie; he bit me. He sunk his teeth into my hand. That little
lemming broke my heart. I had to smash his brains out on the wall.
The little git completely ruined my helicopter wall paper.
-Rimmer
Rimmer: What should we do with them Mr. Flibble
[mr flibble (the hand puppet) whispers in Rimmer's ear]
Rimmer: We can't do that! Who'd clear up the mess?
Oh smeg! What the smeggin' smeg's he smeggin' done? He's smeggin'
killed me!
-Lister
I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 -- the same
I.Q. as 6000 P.E. teachers.
-Holly
This is mine, that's mine, I'm claiming all this as mine ... except
that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine!
Hey, this has been a good day! I've eaten five times, I've slept six
times, and I'd made a lot of things mine! Tomorrow I'm going to see
if I can't have sex with something! (starts dancing around and
singing) S-E-X I think I want it. S-E-X I think I'll get it. (sees
Lister lying on floor) S-E-X I think I found it.
-Cat
Lister: Love is what separates us from animals.
Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't
use our tongues to clean our own genitals.
He won't find that one -- not until he changes his boots. (sees
Lister, hides his face) "Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good
look at his face? Could you spot him in a parade?" I don't think so
-- that could have been anybody!
-Cat
Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that
lemon meringue pie, man -- what was in that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that -- you brought some back.
Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!
Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through
loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on
reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing
potatoes.
-Holly
You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
-Rimmer
The wacked-out crazy hippy drummer is called Dobbin. He joined the
police force in the end -- became a Grand Wizard in the Freemasons.
The bass is called Gazza. He was a neo-marxist nihilistic anarchist.
Eventually he joined a large insurance company and got his own
parking space.
-Lister
Holly: Ah, got him: `Tension Sheet, inventor of, Dave Lister, aged 17.'
Rimmer: Damn!
Holly: And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.
Rimmer: 98!
Holly: His own fault, apparently -- he was making love to his 14th
wife and lost control of the plane.
Rimmer: Have you got any photographs?
Holly: Not of that, no!
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm
initial speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or
interest here. It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels
-- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight
design flaws. Crew: three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt
out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvagable value. Ah,
Felix Sapiens -- bred from the domestic housecat, and about half as
smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we here? A
human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid
20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly,
otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no
value or interest.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot.
Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia
small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The
human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient
tuition could, maybe, master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a
rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling
could, possibly, be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that
he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully
unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions
cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd
better be history in two seconds flat. (eats cigarette, removes his
jacket)
Binks: Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With
speed. Enlightment, quickly, please.
I'm not the greatest at making speeches, so I'll just get this over
with. I know I haven't been the easiest person to get along with,
and I know, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as
friends.I just want to say. over the years, I have come to regard you
as ... people I met.
-Rimmer
"Kryten personal blackbox recording. Time: unknown. Location:
unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Should someone find this
recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here. My
short-term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of
the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the
proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have
been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory,
has left me a little disoriented."
-Kryten
(lines like ` this' are typed -- spelling errors sic)
Lister: Help. Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a
taranshula.
Cat: You're playing that dumb adventure game!
Lister: It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest.
Cat: Well, buy a potion from Gandalf the Master Wizard -- that's what
I usually do.
Lister: I'm SERIOUS.
Cat: (looks down, sees it, then begins typing too) It has an eye
the size of a meatball.
Lister: Kill it.
Cat: How?
Lister: I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye
the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
Cat: I'm scared
Lister: YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel?
Cat: You haven't SEEN it!
Lister: The lower half of my body has gone numb.
Cat: That's probably for the best.
Lister: It's moving. Oh *$%^**!!!!
Hand: Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow.
Kryten: Sir, a couple of brief points: firstly, you're not a
qualified service engineer, and, consequently, sawing me in two will
invalidate my guarantee; secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can
of sardines that was already open.
Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my
voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my
database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is not a
daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.
Luv, Jayne xx