Author's Note: First I own nothing of Glee. I am making no money off of this, it is simply for my own enjoyment. I hope you will all enjoy it as well. A word of warning, though Ryan Murphy has stated that Klaine is endgame, I have found myself very dissatisfied with how things are proceeding. Personally, I think that the proposal happened far too soon and that there are still issues that exist between Kurt and Blaine which have not been addressed. I also don't really care for how Blaine has changed from the dapper boy we met in season 2 to... whatever he's become recently. Sure, the proposal hearkened back to those times but there are still a lot of things about Glee that have come to annoy me a bit. Perhaps this annoyance is what was responsible for this one-shot. Either way, my muse seems to be pacified for now so perhaps I just needed to vent about some things. *chuckles* Anyway, thank you for bearing with me and I do hope that you don't totally hate this.
He had heard the song from Tina's IPod originally. It wasn't anything like that which he was used to… Though when Tina had been in her 'goth' phase, he had gotten exposed to a lot of music that he wouldn't normally listen to. He wasn't sure if she still listened to any of those bands that she'd heard about and explored out of curiosity, but this song stayed with him. The lyrics were poignant - especially for this time in his life. The song was I Like It by Lacuna Coil.
Though he had initially said yes to Blaine's proposal, the more that he ruminated on the decision, the more he felt like he had made the wrong choice. It wasn't that he didn't care for Blaine - he did. However, they were still so very young, Blaine even younger than he was and there was so much life still ahead of them. Anything could happen and even if they had a long engagement, he still felt that there was something wrong with this choice.
Honestly, he still wasn't over Blaine's betrayal. The fact that Blaine had hooked up with random facebook guy, Eli still bothered him greatly. It wasn't simply the fact that Blaine was able to cheat on him, it was also the manner in which he'd gone about it. While Kurt still would have been just as pissed off if Blaine had slept with Sebastian, at least then he would have somewhat understood it. Why? Because there was a history there, Sebastian had often attempted to tempt Blaine and at least they knew Sebastian. Eli was an unknown quantity and it unsettled Kurt that Blaine could be so careless.
There were other things that had happened throughout the course of their relationship as well that had always bothered Kurt. Things that he had never brought up or addressed though he should have. The more he thought about things the more resigned to the decision to call off the engagement he became. There was such a long laundry list of little things that had built up over time and he could deny them no longer.
When he had first met Blaine, he thought that the boy was the best gay mentor ever. He seemed to knowledgeable, so wise and he had come into Kurt's life at a time when he sorely needed guidance. He had been so enamored with Blaine and that had only grown until he'd formed a crush on the Warbler. The crush had turned into something more genuine. Yet even back then there were little idiosyncratic things that should have caught Kurt's notice. He had been so eager for help and for another gay person in his life that he'd overlooked those little things, ignored them honestly.
Now was the time to be honest with himself about everything. If he was questioning his engagement so deeply he really did need to examine everything. Blaine had acted like he had known so much but honestly, he was just as young and naive as Kurt was. When Blaine had told him to confront Karofsky, he'd thought he was helping. Now looking back, Kurt could admit that the advice wasn't all that sound. Karofsky was a big guy and sure, he and Dave were friends now but after the threats at the time? The last thing Kurt should have done was confront him alone like he had.
When Kurt had actually left McKinley and gone to Dalton, there were more things that cropped up. How Blaine always told Kurt to put his hand down, to try to be part of the team and things like that… It seemed to make sense at the time, but then there was the fact that right after Kurt would put down his hand - Blaine's would immediately go up in the air. Blaine was an attention whore, a male Diva and there was no denying that fact. Kurt had simply been too lost and uncertain of everything at the time to realize just how wrong it was for Blaine to behave that way. It wasn't supportive, it wasn't nurturing and it really wasn't something a true friend should do.
Despite the numerous attempts of the other Warblers to get closer to Kurt so they could get to know him, Blaine had blocked many of the attempts. How had he never realized how isolated he'd been at Dalton? Sure, he interacted with the Warblers but really only during rehearsals and performances. He wondered how much he had missed out on. Sure, he still communicated with Jeff and Nick and even Trent. He still got emails from time to time from Wes, but there had been so many more Warblers and now Kurt felt cheated. He might have himself to partially blame for allowing Blaine to eclipse him like that but the fact that Blaine had done so was also worrisome.
When Blaine had come to McKinley, Kurt had been so happy for his boyfriend to be there that everything else fell away. The same spotlight hogging that had happened in Dalton had happened again. Sure, it wasn't quite like Blaine and the Pips but it was definitely still a case of being overshadowed. At Dalton it hadn't mattered quite as much because the Warblers focused on backing up a stronger lead singer. There were also more Warblers than there were New Directions.
It had greatly annoyed Kurt that he was eclipsed once again and the people allowing it to happen should have been more loyal to him. Yes, it was understandable that they wanted to win - so did he but he so often felt like he wasn't even allowed to try and that had sucked. He'd get a throw away line here or there if he were lucky. At least at Dalton he and Blaine had been able to duet. Sure, it was just the once but that was more than the New Directions had ever truly given him.
Then, there was the time where Blaine had taken his phone, read his texts with Chandler and gone off the deep end. What else could you call that Whitney Houston debacle? Instead of talking to Kurt and trying to deal with their problem as a couple - like they should have, Blaine had sang that song in front of the New Directions. There was a part of him that still couldn't believe that most of the ND had backed and believed Blaine over him.
So maybe he shouldn't have been trading those texts with Chandler, but to Kurt it had been harmless. Just sharing outrageous pick up lines they'd heard to make each other laugh. It had felt good to laugh like that and to just be silly. He'd also liked the attention, but he was still faithful to Blaine - had been for the entirety of their relationship and Blaine could not say the same. He had been so mad when Blaine had tried to say that Kurt's texts were different from the ones that Blaine had shared with Sebastian. Why? Because he'd actually gotten access to some of those text messages thanks to Jeff and they were certainly not family friendly on Sebastian's part and Blaine had never stopped the meerkat either.
Whenever Kurt upset Blaine, the younger boy would freeze him out. Blaine would often take things and twist them to suit his vision of the picture. How many times had he made Kurt feel guilty? How many times had he made Kurt feel like he was the one in the wrong? Too many times to count. It was not right and it was certainly not okay. It was definitely a sign that he'd jumped into saying yes far too soon. Perhaps it would be a different story had he and Blaine reconciled and resolved their issues and worked through the things that had hurt each other over the course of their relationship. Kurt knew he could be bitchy and sometimes quite difficult and yet they'd never really talked about anything of that nature.
They had been so in love with the idea of being in love that everything else had suffered or been neglected. The relationship had started off great and Kurt could not regret sharing all of those firsts with Blaine. Yet right now as he looked back over things, he was coming to realize that perhaps he and Blaine were better off as friends. Blaine had been much better when they'd just been friends after all. More supportive, more positive, more helpful. Kurt wouldn't say that Blaine was abusive, he honestly wasn't. However he was very demanding and sought the spotlight and did not often realize how hurtful he could be in those times.
Blaine was sometimes oblivious to the thoughts, feelings, concerns and cares of others. He didn't do it on purpose, but he was still very young and still quite self absorbed. Not that Kurt couldn't claim the same. He was still young and selfish himself and there were indeed times when he felt that Blaine simply wasn't trying hard enough. Let's look at the fact that he was in New York City which was a far more accepting place for example. He worked at and was surrounded by attractive and available gay men yet he had not strayed. Blaine was still stuck in hicksville and he had.
Blaine had not told Kurt he was feeling neglected or left behind. He had not communicated things so that Kurt could address them. Blaine hadn't even come to New York to visit Kurt until AFTER he'd cheated. It had hurt Kurt to end things with Blaine but at the time it was the only thing he could do. He had loved Blaine so much and it had hurt so badly that when Blaine asked if they could try to be friends again Kurt caved almost immediately. He missed talking to Blaine so much and honestly, he had hoped that maybe they could almost go back and start over and be friends again.
He'd thought that perhaps that might be the key to rebuilding their relationship. Perhaps in order to go forward, first they would have to rewind and fix what was broken between them by starting a new foundation. It was likely also the reason that he'd said yes to Blaine's proposal. When Kurt had first cottoned on to what Blaine was planning, he'd been thinking about ways to talk Blaine out of it. Talking with Burt hadn't provided Kurt with the support for his concerns he'd been looking for. Perhaps he should have spoken them aloud to his father, but some of Burt's words had still struck a chord within Kurt. Hearing how Burt had felt about Elizabeth had touched that hopeless romantic in Kurt and he knew he wanted to feel that way himself.
Seeing Dalton Academy looming up before him stirred up so many emotions inside of him. He had truly enjoyed the academic challenges the curriculum here had offered. It had been a safe haven for him during a time of strife. He had met his first boyfriend here, fallen in love here and though he'd never quite managed to blend in or fit in, he did have some positive memories here. The fanfare - literal fanfare had caught his attention as he was ushered into the main building. Blaine had clearly gone all out when he'd gotten all of these different show choirs to help out. It was a truly grand spectacle and it certainly appealed to part of Kurt there was no denying that.
To be led around the familiar halls in a whirlwind had definitely been interesting. Coming to that familiar staircase with Blaine once more at the bottom of it had taken Kurt back in time. Perhaps that had been the problem. He had wanted so much to go back, to return to a simpler time and to fix things and here was this proposal - tailor made to put Kurt right back there where it had all began. It had been the most grand romantic gesture that Kurt could imagine. With a proposal like that there was no way he could say no.
That thought started to upset him. Had Blaine done that specifically to ensure that he would get a yes? Kurt admitted that he could be a bit diminished around Blaine. He did have a tendency to forget his backbone because of how sweet and charming Blaine could be. He had allowed himself to get so caught up in the moment that all of his fears, all of his questions and all of his concerns flew right out of his head. Even the fact that Blaine had been wearing a rather tacky mustard yellow ensemble had not registered to Kurt in that very moment. Seriously, it was Dalton - surely someone could have loaned him at least a blazer. How had he even thought that mustard yellow was a good color on him?
Kurt shook himself out of those thoughts. He was here, back in New York and trying very hard to keep up with his peers at NYADA. He was trying to make the band work and do whatever he could to get his name out there. He tried to keep in contact with Blaine but honestly, he felt like they were communicating less now that they were engaged than they had when they were boyfriends before Blaine had cheated. This just really wasn't working out for him and if he was honest with himself it hadn't been working for him for a very long time.
Kurt had had no right to say yes to Blaine. He should never have fallen for the proposal. He should have tried to find a way to politely let Blaine down without causing a scene - though in a situation like that a scene would likely have been unavoidable. Now, he was engaged and he knew he didn't want to be. He knew it was going to hurt Blaine and yes that did kill something inside him to think about, but it was the right thing to do. Better to do it soon before Blaine came to New York and things got more awkward than they needed to be.
The skype conversation had been long, painful and filled with tears. There had been arguing, guilt tripping, crying and talking and even screaming at each other at one point. Kurt aired every concern he had, brought up everything that had bothered him and everything he'd thought back on in order to make his case for him. He also pointed out that by proposing in the manner that he had, Blaine had essentially stolen Kurt's ability to make a choice. Blaine had attempted to refute that but Kurt explained that by tailoring it to Kurt's penchant for romance and involving that sheer number of people and making it so public he really had taken Kurt's ability to think clearly and choose appropriately away.
He'd had to explain that he didn't think that Blaine had meant to do that, that he had done it to be malicious but the fact was that Kurt had gotten so caught up in the spectacle that he'd stopped thinking. Kurt felt that it was detrimental to them both. Had Blaine proposed on a romantic picnic or at least in a more private way, Kurt would have felt more comfortable bringing up his misgivings and his concerns. He wouldn't have gotten so lost in a theatrical moment that he lost perspective of all the things he'd been thinking about as his father drove him to the proposal.
Kurt told Blaine just how much thinking he'd been doing since he'd gotten back to New York. How he had initially been excited about the proposal but the more time that passed the more all of those concerns and misgivings returned. They hadn't fixed anything and there was still the feelings of betrayal between them. Blaine had tried to barter, bargain, cajole, and beg Kurt for time - time to fix things.
Kurt had given him time after Blaine had cheated on him. Yet nothing was different, nothing had changed and they were still just existing in a weird kind of limbo. Trying to pretend like nothing had changed, like they were still fine as they had been when Kurt had still been at McKinley. Honestly though, things were not fine and everything had changed. Kurt promised to send the ring back as securely and as soon as he could.
When the conversation had ended Kurt expected to feel pain, to be hurt and to feel loss but oddly he felt relieved. Everything was now out in the open and the bad choice he'd felt he was making had been unmade as best as could be done. There would still be emotions to sort through and he was sure that he and Blaine would probably not speak to each other for some time, but he still felt lighter somehow. There were a few things he was still angry about - especially because of how Blaine had tried to defend his own actions, but all in all he did feel better than he had since before the proposal.
He made his way over to the place where Pamela Lansbury practiced with that Lacuna Coil song still in his head. Perhaps that could help him work out the last of his feelings on the whole twisted matter and it was twisted no matter how Rachel might see it. He knew he was also going to face some fall out over this. Rachel would attempt to browbeat him into taking Blaine back but now that he had called off the engagement, Kurt could honestly say that he was no longer in love with Blaine.
He set up his IPod in the doc and scrolled to find the song he wanted. It had a rather catchy beat he had to admit. The music was a little harder than he usually preferred but that too seemed to suit the odd mood he found himself in. Though he'd never really learned the song, it was easy for him to settle in to Cristina Scabbia's groove.
Everything is different today
I like it, like it
I feel different today
I like it, like it
I'm not gonna be in your parade
Cause I don't like it
You think I'm a dirty little game
You think I like it
You made up this fantasy with me
But I don't like it.
Blaine had behaved like this was some fairy tale as if they were princes destined to live happily ever after. Kurt was tired of having to dance to Blaine's tune, to curb some parts of himself so that Blaine wasn't offended. God that brought up another memory he'd forgotten about - sitting there with Blaine and Sebastian Smythe at the Lima Bean. No matter how much Sebastian had verbally laid into him, Blaine had never once defended him. It was only when Kurt joined the verbal sparring match that Blaine would ask them both to stop. Kurt hated that, if Blaine didn't want to defend him - whatever, but he shouldn't be shocked or appalled when Kurt defended himself.
I want you to get away from me
That's how I like it
How do you like it?
Today I'm gonna fly
There's nothing that can keep me on the ground
Touch the sky
I'm free inside.
He was feeling freer and freer with every thought and with every note that he sang. This was definitely more cathartic than he'd been anticipating. Kurt even found himself moving more to the beat of the song before it went into the next verse.
You think you're the master, I'm the slave
You think I like it
You don't even know me anyway
That's how I like it.
I'm getting ready to move on
But you don't like it
You can kiss your fairytale away
I like it, like it
How do you like it
Blaine had always tried to play himself off as the more masculine one in the relationship. He'd had this way of getting around Kurt's personality, of dimming Kurt's fire to a glow so that he could shine and that was simply not acceptable. There was no way Kurt was going to sign on for a lifetime of continuing that theme. So much for fairy tales he supposed - his prince turned out to be a frog.
I'm free to do what I like
I'm celebrating my life
I'm free to be what I like
I'm celebrating my life
I'm gonna get what I like
I'm gonna celebrate 'till I die
I'm celebrating my life.
Kurt decided then that he was going to take that particular line to heart. He was going to celebrate his life. He wasn't going to sit around and wait for someone to join him, to be in the same place mentally and emotionally that he was. He was going to go out there and take the world by storm. If he couldn't find mister right right away, that was fine. He was sure that in a city like New York, filled with beautiful gay men he could certainly find a mister right now if he needed or wanted. It didn't really matter and the only thing that did matter was that Kurt was finally free to do what he liked.
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