Disclaimer: The characters you recognize do not belong to me. I'm borrowing them for a while and promise to put them back when I'm done. JAG is property of CBS and Bellesarius productions. Derek Jeter's Taco Hole was taken from the Derek Jeter Episode of Saturday Night Live.
Author's Note: This is a collaborative effort. My sister, aka Lola Bird, and I were bored, so we started writing a fan fic. Eventually, she started naming random ideas, characters and objects, so I put them into a narrative. The result was fun to write but may not make much sense. It's not supposed to! Enjoy
Time frame: sometime in the latter half of season 9. Some people may appear courtesy of JAG Magic.
The Saga of Larry
Mac arrives home one evening to find a magic unicorn standing in her living room. He is wearing rainbow striped parachute pants and underwear on his head and his name is Larry. Mac asks what he was doing there, and adds to please not poop on her carpet. Larry replies that he was there to redecorate because the carpet is terrible.
Mac replies, "So are your pants!"
"Where'd you do your shopping? An army surplus store?" replies Larry. No one criticizes his pants and remains unscathed, or unmade-over.
"ARMY?" No one accuses Mac of being Army.
Larry realizes he crossed the line, so he explains himself. "The cut of that skirt is totally wrong for you, and the olive green does nothing for your skin and you need to buy sensible shoes."
Mac suddenly realizes the underwear on his horn was hers. "Where did you get my underwear?" she explodes.
"Oh, puh-leez! You have granny panties! Girl, I need to take you shopping, you will look fab-o-lous! Get you a make over...maybe a thong..."
"That's military issue underwear you big beast...and how am I supposed to go shopping with a unicorn?"
"I'm a magical unicorn; I can change into a human form if you like." Larry changes into a flamboyantly gay man, still wearing the parachute pants.
"I am not going anywhere with you in those pants!"
"But, they are what make me magical!"
"Can't you disguise them? I'm a Marine. I do not associate with people who wear parachute pants. I barely associate with people who wear parachutes!"
"Yes, I've seen that flyboy you've been with. Dee-lish!"
"What does Harm have to do with it, and he's straight!"
"A unicorn can look, can't he?"
"You wont call yourself a unicorn in public, will you?"
"Nah, I can call myself Larry." Larry covers up the pants, and ushers Mac out of the apartment. "We'll redecorate your place as well; maybe get that Harm to notice you."
"Now you want Harm to notice me... I thought you wanted him to notice you"
"You said he was straight. And you seem to like him."
"Not in that way! Just as a friend!"
"Oh sure, Miss Thang. Now let's get to the mall!"
They arrive at the mall without incident. Unfortunately, Mac notices someone familiar "Oh no! Harm is here with Mattie..."
Larry says "He sure could use nicer pants" and then immediately calls them over. "Harm, I'm Mac's friend Larry and I am going to d you the favor of a lifetime. I'm going to take you shopping!"
Mattie says to Mac, "What is this, queer eye for the straight Jag lawyers?"
Since he overheard, Larry answers, "Uh, something like that. Now, let's get down to business. You, women's wear, you get to Armani stat!" He then says to Mattie, "Since you're here, I'll help you, too. To the young ladies' section! This is going to be fun!"
"What's wrong with the way I dress?" mutters Mattie on the way to the young ladies' section.
"Puh-leez, that pullover is so last year!" Larry's pants accidentally reveal their true form, and then he momentarily changes back into a unicorn. Once people start screaming, he changes back into the gay man with bad pants.
"Cool, you're a unicorn!" exclaims Mattie.
"Of course I'm a unicorn! Who else gives makeovers to Jag Lawyers?"
His disguise working, he brings Harm to Armani and tries to convince him to wear Parachute Pants and a sport coat. Harm states politely that he would prefer a nice suit.
Harm being the easiest to help, since it doesn't take long to make good looking flyboys even more handsome when clad in Armani, Larry instructs Harm to meet him at the Orange Julius in an hour and to bring a bag of candy corn for a snack. Larry got out his pimp hat, the one decorated with stuffed monkeys and headed to the Ladies' department of Macy's.
Mac is more difficult to help. After twenty of minutes of fighting, Larry finally convinces her to buy a thong and pay several hundred dollars for a decent pair of shoes. She refuses to wear the new outfit he'd picked out. She hates the fabric which is made of a print composed of tie-dye panda bears.
Larry keeps Mac in the underwear department a while longer. He wants to give her "a better foundation." Mattie wanders over with her choices which Larry readily approves. She manages to convince him that the pullover has sentimental value to her. She is allowed to keep it provided she never wears it out of the house again. Just then, Jennifer Coates comes into the department and finds a great looking fuscia bra. Larry says, "Young lady, you have exceptional taste. Mac here can learn a lot from you. He then tries to fit the fuscia bra over Mac's clothes to see if it will fit.
Larry turns to Mattie and Mac and says, "You need beach wear," and steers them to the bikinis. "You never know when you'll encounter a giant tub of applesauce or a kitten."
"Huh?" The two ladies exchange puzzled glances, but continue to shop. Larry hands them each a huge bikini top and large fake rubber boobs which they refuse to wear them and settle for smaller tops.
Quickly glancing at his watch, Larry realizes they only have a few minutes before they are to meet Harm. They speed through the checkout and meet him. Harm is a few minutes late and there is no candy corn to be seen. "I couldn't find any candy corn, sorry."
Larry is not impressed and reaches into the parachute pants for his novelty poop. "There you go party pooper." Larry dismisses, Mac, Harm and Mattie for the night. They think they're rid of him.
The next morning, Harm and Mac arrive at the office. Both their offices are furnished entirely in garden gnomes. "Larry!" they cry in unison. Sturgis is alarmed by their collective cry and runs into harm's office. He is surprised to see the gnomes and more surprised to see a man wearing parachute pants and flip-flops moving furniture around. Just then the admiral arrives. He is livid since decorating is the job of military personnel, not civilians and certainly not magical unicorns disguised as flamboyantly gay men wearing flip flops and parachute pants. He orders Mac and Harm into his office and makes them work on a case involving an ensign smuggling a dozen howler monkeys aboard an aircraft carrier to train as helper monkeys. One of them turned out to be mutated from Lieutenant Singer and was decidedly evil.
"You two better get this solved quickly. Elton John is doing his USO tour on that carrier soon!"
As Chegwidden says this, Larry sneaks into his office with a giant sombrero and a wet blanket. He puts them on Chegwidden's desk. "It's time for a fiesta!" he says. Suddenly, all of the personnel at Jag find themselves wearing Mexican clothing including sombreros and extremely loud ponchos. Larry then passes out the piñatas and margaritas.
"Wait a minute! There's no drinking in Jag ops!" yells the admiral.
"Not to worry," sings Larry. "They're virgin margaritas!"
Bud hops into the office. "Have any of you seen my leg?" he enquires.
Larry holds it above his head. "We need it for the piñatas. And don't forget to eat your breakfast." Instantly, a dozen mackerel appear as well as a number of stacks of toast. Larry looks around. "On second thought, I don't like the fiesta motif... Merry Christmas everyone! The decor shifts into Christmas trees decorated with Hawaiian shirts and hula girls that resemble Mac, Coates and Ensign Sims. Larry summons a number of kittens to play with the cat toys that now cover the desk.
Sturgis enters the office wearing a beanie hat. He's not amused. "Admiral, the SecNav is on his way to discuss the Elton John USO show with you. What do you want to do about the Christmas trees and hula girls?"
Larry is enthralled with the idea of a new person to make over. If this SecNav is anything like the other naval officers, he'll loads of fun to make over since he'll need lots of help. Maybe he could decorate his office with a heart-shaped bed and leopard skin spreads. That look wouldn't be complete without the mirrored ceiling and disco ball. As for the wardrobe, he immediately thinks of Hawaiian shirts. That Harm would look good in a Hawaiian shirt, so would the Admiral.
Just then, the SecNav arrives at the office. Larry puts everything back in the office before the SecNav can notice that anything was amiss. Larry introduces himself to the SecNav and hands him a ball of tofu to eat and a pool cue.
"Would you mind changing into this Hawaiian shirt and Speedo, Sir, before we begin the meeting in the hot tub?"
"The Hot tub?" Admiral Chegwidden's desk has been transformed. All of the senior officers are in the Hot tub. The men are wearing Hawaiian shirts and Speedos and the women are wearing grass skirts with coconut bras. Every one is eating applesauce. Larry then whips out an electric guitar and starts to strum with a can of tuna. He hands the SecNav a burrito supreme from Derek Jeter's Taco Hole and sings him a love song. He then pops in a Cher CD and puts a blonde wig on the SecNav. Larry roots through the files in the cabinets in the admiral's office and decides to recall Meg Austin to JAG. He asks the SecNav if she can become the New JAG. He says absolutely not since she doesn't have significant rank.
"Can't you promote her?" asks Larry.
"Not that much," replies the SecNav.
"That's too bad...I think she'd make a great JAG."
Larry then decided to redecorate the bull pen in a motif of pineapples and giant ducks. As he handed a coffee cup to a petty officer named Norma, he pushes a button and the sounds of jazz flute fill the room. Larry decides that the SecNav is cute and wants to get to know him better. He serenades him with a fiddle and sends gifts of candy and designer lamps. One night, he arrives at the SecNav's house clad in flip-flops, parachute pants and a hairnet. He changed into a unicorn and built the SecNav a tent out of dental floss and sticks it together with soap. He even trains a tribe of evil French Poodles to dance the minuet in the SecNav's honor.
The SecNav is not impressed, so Larry redoubles his efforts. He learns to play the Jazz flute with his hooves, choreographs a ballet for Coates, Mac and Sims to perform, and paints a nude picture of the SecNav. Still, the SecNav shows no interest. So Larry decides to pursue one of the officers at JAG that he had noticed: Petty Officer Tiner. He's the cutie at the office.
Tiner does not take kindly to Larry's attention and goes to Col. Blakely for a restraining order. Larry thinks that Blakely also had great potential and spends the next few days making him over, but alas, it des not work for Larry and Col Blakely. Once the makeover is complete, Blakely wants him on the next Double Decker bus to Portland. Larry slinks across town, adding aviator sunglasses to his wardrobe. Finally, after nearly slipping on the pats of butter in a restaurant, he calls Mac onhis diamond studded cell phone. He needs a place to stay.
Mac does not want to have Larry around. He tells her he could buy her a rocket ship in exchange for hospitality, but she just isn't interested. She does, however, call her uncle Matt and send Larry to the desert. He lives in Red Rock Mesa and gives makeovers to tourists for a small fee. After several years, Larry tries to pursue the SecNav again. This time Larry becomes the chief of fashion and is responsible for changing the uniforms for the Marines to Hula attire. He also initiates a transition from white shirts to Hawaiian shirts for the Navy. Eventually, Larry earns enough money to build a rocket ship and return to his home planet.
The End