Disclaimer: The characters within this story all belong to Takahashi-san.
Warnings: Character death.
Summary: Change is constant, but when it is sudden, it can be very, very hard. In which Inuyasha feels and learns many things in the space of one day and one night. Character death: Kikyo. No bashing, please.
Completed: June 26, 2012
AN: And here's to the revival of my writing. There's no guarantee it will be on the same level as before, but I hope to write again - I certainly missed it.

Hard Changes
by: Kagome-reincarnation

"I can't say I really put a lot of stock in your words," she said, her expression clear and perhaps even a bit untrusting. "What's to say you won't… oh, say, for example… change your mind the moment I'm out of your sight?"

"Well, then, you'll just have to trust me, then, won't you?" He cringed even as the words left his mouth. Trust, at least in regards to the two of them, never did seem to stretch very far. Trying to gauge her reaction to his words, he wasn't sure whether he should be concerned or relieved that there didn't appear to be a response. "I won't change my mind, Kikyo. Not this time." Despite the firm words, Inuyasha could feel his resolve wavering even as he began to turn away.

Kikyo grabbed him by the sleeve and when he turned, their faces were close. Inuyasha looked away. "What is it?"

There was a pause. "I changed my mind." Kikyo said. Startled, Inuyasha turned to gape at her. Kikyo smiled a sad smile, as though something she'd been resigned to had just been confirmed. "You looked away, Inuyasha. You cannot even look at me without flinching away from the weight of your guilt."

"Kikyo—" Inuyasha turned towards her in a bid to prove his earnestness, but she shook her head and released him, taking a step back. Then another. His eyes widened – they stood atop a cliff. The very cliff she'd fallen from when Urasue had originally wrought the clay body her soul resided in. He strode towards her, well aware of how far she stood from the cliff. "Kikyo!"

"Don't bother, Inuyasha!" This time, her words came out in a harsh cry, almost as though they'd been dragged from the depths of her heart. "I concede. I lose."

"What are you talking about? I don't understand!" Inuyasha begged for some sort of explanation. As she spoke, she stepped ever closer to the edge of the cliff and he didn't want to lose her again – not like this! She paused in her steps and he breathed a sigh of relief.

But then she smiled at him again, lonelier this time. He was struck by how small her shoulders seemed at that moment – how small a woman she was. He didn't know what she was planning, but he had no doubt that it wasn't good. "Kikyo, don't do this!" he begged her. "You know I would give you anything – everything, even!"

"Yes, Inuyasha, you would." Kikyo smiled that sad smile again and Inuyasha wanted to hold onto her. Something was wrong, but he just didn't understand! "But while you would give me anything you wanted, everything that you could… You would not want to."

Kikyo sighed: "It would seem that in this, Kagome has defeated me. You return to me, Inuyasha, out of duty and not love… And how could any woman be satisfied with duty when she once grasped love? No, instead, I will be satisfied with this." She set her eyes upon him – they glittered in the moonlight. "You, Inuyasha, the man that I have loved, still love, and always will love… You will never be allowed to forget me. See me, Inuyasha, and know that my final death is because of you – because of my love for you. You cannot love me, but I cannot refrain from loving you… So if you cannot love me, never forget me. Never forget this moment."

The dead shrine maiden moved forward, pressing her cool lips to Inuyasha's contrastingly warm lips. Before he could take hold of her by the shoulders or otherwise, she just as quickly stepped back.

As he looked upon her this time, frustrated, terrified, and confused, Inuyasha saw the sparkle of what he thought were tears on her face. He did not know what to do. He'd always operated on instinct and feeling – but her words and actions conflicted so strongly that he could not even begin to comprehend what was going on… But he wasn't stupid. He knew he wasn't going to like this. He was able to cry her name only once more in a loud, resounding way that echoed through the valley and, no doubt, back to the campsite where the others were: "KIKYO!"

Then, before he could say anything else, she leapt.

It would not be until the sun was at its utmost above them that Inuyasha would pause in his search to return to the camp. There, he would find Sango in her warrior's garb with her giant bone boomerang easily within reach and Miroku sitting cross-legged beside Kagome, his hands held together as the focus for a barrier that surrounded them. Shippo and Kirara are on the other side, by the girl's head. Shippo wipes at the sweat beading on Kagome's forehead before dropping the cool clothe into a wooden bowl of what Inuyasha assumes is cool water.

Kagome herself looks ill.

The girl from the future is shivering, but her face and neck are clearly a shade of red that are not her norm. It is only then that he understands that this time Kikyo is well and truly gone. Unable to bear the sight, he turns and leaps into the trees that surround the clearing they have chosen.

"Inuyasha…?"

Her voice is weak, but he still hears her. How could he not? She's right there – so close to him. She is no longer just Kagome, the image of the woman he once loved. Now she is both Kagome and Kikyo because Kikyo is gone – and if Kagome's soul is whole again, then she is not only herself, but both.

He does not respond. His heart is broken and he remains in the lower branches of the tree, a silent guardian, reminiscing and brooding.

"Inuyasha…" Kagome tries again. Miroku and Sango both avoid looking at him despite knowing full well where he is. Poor Shippo doesn't seem to know what to do and Kirara mews at the fox child reassuringly. Still, Inuyasha doesn't respond. He has yet to reconcile his understanding of this change – he has yet to mourn Kikyo's second, third – fourth – passing. It's almost depressing that one woman can die so many times, disappearing from his life again and again, only to visit him when he least expected it.

But no longer.

"Inuyasha…!" Kagome calls out a third time and attempts to stir. A quick glance at the girl reveals that her eyes are still closed. She is shifting uncomfortably and her voice is hoarse. A fast change from when he'd left them the night before, when she'd been sad, but healthy.

"What?" he finally demands, wanting to ignore everything. He wants to push it all to the back of his mind and just lose himself in walking, combat, hunting – anything, really and truly anything – that will let him forget the despair that he feels creeping up on him. The awareness that he has failed Kikyo yet again.

Her eyes are open now. She searches for him – as though her eyes are drawn to him, she finds him almost immediately. "I… I don't know what happened, Inuyasha," she says a bit slowly. She is breathing heavily but he doesn't want her to stop talking. His ears are both turned in her direction. Despite his appearance, she has his full attention. "But it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."

And with those words, he is free. They are only a few simple statements, but he feels as though he's been relieved of a great burden. Inside, he knows that she is right… But he also knows that he'll always turn those memories over in his head as he tries to find anything he might have done differently. She has saved him and she doesn't even know it.

This – this is the clear difference between Kagome and Kikyo. Where Kikyo would have let him sit and think and brood and think of all of the what-ifs, Kagome offers to him an understanding of how he feels that he doesn't think he can get anywhere else. In his mind, Kagome and Kikyo are separate once more – Kagome's words have blown Kikyo away, turning her image to dust carried off by the wind. Kagome is the woman that remains and she is his redemption. He'll protect her until the end, but of what he doesn't know.

"Yeah," he mutters his response, but he knows she'll hear it. He drops from the tree and as Sango and Miroku both relax – the barrier comes down – he goes to her. "How about you – do you think you'll be well enough to move by tomorrow?"

Of course, it doesn't really matter what she says. They both know that regardless of whether she's recovered or not, she'll be riding and not walking. It will be one or the other – Inuyasha or Kirara, the dog or the cat. One of the two will carry her until she feels well enough to support herself once more. For once, though, Inuyasha doesn't complain about the unexpected delay.

Miroku and Sango don't say anything – they don't know if he's mourning or simply allowing Kagome to rest. Shippo doesn't care. Inuyasha's mood may be different from usual, but he's more worried about the girl that has so often protected him.

So Inuyasha simply watches and waits. He disappears into the forest later, when Kagome falls asleep, and hunts. He destroys a great number of trees and also kills an excess of game. He takes his time in the river cleansing his claws. For a moment, there, he sees Kikyo instead of his reflection and he pauses, but the moment passes and his reflection is his own once more.

He looks towards the sky colored in oranges and reds as the sun begins to set and heads back to the camp with two deer over his shoulder and a string of rabbits – six of them, to be exact – hanging from his left hand. Sango and Miroku will fix them up so they'll stay good to eat for however long they have them. Shippo is sent for water and Kirara goes with him.

And Inuyasha?

Inuyasha remains in the camp with Kagome. He sits next to her still form, comforted by the worth of her body and the scent of salt that he knows comes from both her body's natural reaction to the fever and the tears she has spilled this past day for his memories with Kikyo. He understands, then, something that he wonders if he'd ever have learned if Kikyo hadn't died and this last day and night had not played out the way that it had.

He'll be alright.