Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. If I did I would be rich.
"You're late!", exclaimed Frodo
Gandalf looked up at the hobbit that stood with hands on hips with an air of deep self satisfaction. Frodo was postured in a way that suggested he'd just conquered something and was feeling very smug about it. This hobbit was getting above himself it seemed, "A wizard is never late", Gandalf ground out. Frodo and Gandalf stared at each other as if in a contest. (one in which Frodo would have won if the wizard had not set fire to his shirt). A lick of flame suddenly appeared on Frodo's right sleeve.
"Agh! Gandalf, you bastard! Frodo screamed flailing his arm madly
"Ho-ho-ho" Frodo ran in circles waving his arm like a windmill then stopped, and with the cry of "Aaaaaaaaaargh!", ran towards Gandalf. The Wizard realizing Frodo was about to jump to his cart shouted "Yar", and snapped the reins. His Horse started with a jerk. The cart moved just in time as Frodo, desperate as his arm was now a torch, had jumped at Gandalf with the thought of "at least I'm taking you with me!", missed the wizard and landed in his trailer of fireworks. BOOM!!! What followed was the most spectacular, if short fireworks display ever seen in the Shire. (it was a shame no one actually witnessed it apart from two near by sparrows and a butterfly who didn't fully appreciate it. Also one of the sparrows was hit by a rocket and the butterfly was left deeply traumatised) Needless to say Frodo and Gandalf were killed outright.
Although this quite obviously did not happen, it does highlight how the journey of the ring would have been cut abruptly short if Gandalf had been a bad man.
"They took my spoons!" Part 1
A little known fact is the same day Gandalf visited his old friend Bilbo regarding his party, much more than a friendly chat over a cup of tea happened. As a matter of fact an awesome adventure involving Gandalf and Bilbo was omitted from the book and film. Well an adventure.....but one worth telling. Just.
"More tea?", Bilbo asked, holding his ornate teapot
"Oh, no thanks......Ho-ho-ho", Gandalf put down his cup and surveyed his surroundings. He liked Bag End. It was all very homely right down to the family portraits and log fire. Bilbo's past adventure had left him extremely rich and although he didn't flaunt this it was quite visible in the finery of his cutlery, ornaments and his lovely wooden flooring. Yes, the wizard thought not bad for a hobbit whose name rhymes with dildo. "You know", Bilbo said, "This is gonna be one hell of a party tonight, a matter of fact it will be a party of-"
"Special Magnificence", Gandalf finished for him wearily. "I know" The Wizard took out his crumpled invite from the folds of his robes.
The Invitation read like this.....
PARTY!!!!
Of Special Magnificence!
And You're Invited!
Gandalf that party I planned is going ahead
I expect it will be truly Wizard!
(Bilbo's Idea of Hummour)
PS. bring fireworks
"Did you fetch that big one?", Bilbo mumbled though a wedge of cheese
"The dragon?"
"Hmm"
"Oh yes I brought it"
Bilbo hopped up and down in excitement, "This is going to be great"
"Yes", said Gandalf gravely "It will be cracking! Ho-ho-ho"
"It'll be something alright." agreed Bilbo, "Oh, Frodo will be expecting strippers of course", Bilbo said waving his hands dismissively, "but you gotta go for the real thing nowadays. Nothing like a good bang!"
Gandalf spat his tea out. "Bilbo Baggines I did not think you went in for those sort of party's!"
"What do you me-", Someone suddenly gave Bilbo's door a good hammering and the cheese he was eating promptly joined Gandalf's tea on the floor. "It's the second Bagginsses!", Bildo hissed, "Quick we must hide in the cellar!"
The hobbit made a quick dash from the kitchen leaving Gandalf to follow at a more elderly pace, "Ho-ho-ho" He said. Bildo jumped into the cellar from his staircase and came out in a professional roll where he crouched holding the door. "Com'on!", he whispered urgently making waving gestures as Gandalf doddered down the narrow staircase. The Wizards movement was severely hampered by a low ceiling. He hit his head on a wood beam, and three brass pans in succession (with a sound like ping, bing, bong) which were inexplicably hanging from the roof. Gandalf did not forget to say Ho- ho-ho in all of these situations. At last he made it to the cellar where he was bungled in by a frantic Bilbo who quickly slammed the door.
The hobbit and wizard were plunged into darkness. "I think I broke my spine again", complained Gandalf rubbing his back, "Ho-ho-ho". (although you wouldn't have been able to see him rubbing his back, take it from me, he did). The two sat in silence for a bit while they listened to the second Bagginnsses shouting from outside. Bilbo gasped in terror. "Look", said Gandalf, "you don't think you're overreacting do you? I mean we could have just hid under the table or something"
"They took my silver spoons last time.....who knows what their capable of this time!" Bilbo whimpered. Gandalf was starting to worry about his friend's sanity. Then to the wizards further annoyance Bilbo began to scrabble around, throwing boxes and clothing up in a desperate attempt to find something. "Bilbo please desist, and tell me what's going on!", Gandalf commanded while a dusty warhammer rules book narrowly missed his head.
"Well....I er........There it is!"
"What is?"
"The trap door to my emergency escape tunnel. Come on we must escape!"
Gandalf was taken aback somewhat. He hadn't expected that. Somehow he'd expected Bilbo to go all quiet and mutter "my precious". It appeared Bilbo's unnatural fear of the second Bagginnses had gone beyond a phobia and into a phobium (what happens when a group of like minded phobias decide to join forces.) Bilbo now equated the second Bagginsses with spiders, dragons, trolls, castration, star trek, dwarfs singing about gold and persistent relatives. With all of these fears bundled into one monster- fear you can see why Bilbo had gone temporarily mad.
"M-Must be quick now hurry down into the tunnel!"
Gandalf scratched his head (again you will have to take this on faith) and said, "Bilbo, have you gone utterly mad? I'm not going down there. For one thing I can't see where "there" is" At this moment the faint cry of "I know you're in there" reached our two heroes' in the cellar. With a fearful cry Bilbo dived into his tunnel. Gandalf sighed, "well he may have gone insane but I for one am leaving", he mumbled to himself. He wished he hadn't left his staff on the table. Using his hands to feel the surroundings Gandalf stood up and promptly hit his head (although he was no longer in a good mood, neglecting to say ho-ho-ho on principle). He tried again, this time compensating for the roof by awkwardly bending his back. Being in total darkness can have a disorientating effect and so with hands outstretched Gandalf wandered away from the door and into a box of apples, several stacked wine barrels and something warm and furry which Gandalf did not even want to guess at before he fell into Bilbo's tunnel.
Gandalf opened his eyes. The panicky hobbit had lit a match whose flickery light was just enough to see by. The "tunnel" was actually just a small hollowed out circle. Being dug out of the Shire's fertile soil the hole smelled damp and earthy, it was also slightly colder than the cellar but what annoyed Gandalf was that he only had room to crawl and that meant to get out he'd have to go feet first (would be undignified for a wizard). Bilbo sat in its centre holding a strange silver palantir shaped orb in shaking hands. Normally such a blatantly magical looking object would have interested Gandalf but he was far too angry for that. "Bilbo Bagginness! When I get hold of my staff you better wish......er ", Gandalf couldn't actually think of a way to end that sentence so he simply shouted, "I'm going to turn you into a newt!" Bilbo leaned closer, singeing Gandalf's beard in the process, "Are you okay?"
"GAAAARHH!!", the wizard growled Bilbo jumped back.
"If my estimates are correct, the second bagginess's will be upon us any minute! Which means we must leave now!"
"GAAAARHH!!"
Bilbo looked dreamily into the mists of his orb. "Uh-oh", he said.
No sooner had Bilbo uttered those doom-laden words than the hobbit plus furious istari were temporarily blinded by a white flash followed by a whirling sound and other pyrotechniques. (also the screen shook a little as well, confirming that something strange was happening).
An explanation is probably necessary at this point. Bilbo's silver orb was in fact none other than the fabled "super" palantir. A normal palantir or "seeing stone" allowed its user to communicate with other palantir owners for 12 gold coins a month, allowing unlimited access throughout weekends and evenings. Using a palantir at any other time meant you were liable to pay an outrageous three silver coins per minute and a turnip. Communication was achieved by simply looking into the said object. However its inventors, who will remain nameless (because no one can remember who invented them) wanted to go a step further. The "super" palantir was able to magically transport its user (and immediate surroundings) to the location of another palantir. Someone suitably proficient in magic could also bend the "super" palantir to his/her will by simply imagining their destination. Bildo had come across this priceless item inside Smaugs Lair amongst the dragons gold. He had picked it up quite innocently because he liked the colour. Unfortunately for Bilbo, Gandalf, the escape tunnel, part of the cellar and that strange furry thing the palantirs current messaging service looked like this....
Sauron the deceiver - Online
To be continued.........
"You're late!", exclaimed Frodo
Gandalf looked up at the hobbit that stood with hands on hips with an air of deep self satisfaction. Frodo was postured in a way that suggested he'd just conquered something and was feeling very smug about it. This hobbit was getting above himself it seemed, "A wizard is never late", Gandalf ground out. Frodo and Gandalf stared at each other as if in a contest. (one in which Frodo would have won if the wizard had not set fire to his shirt). A lick of flame suddenly appeared on Frodo's right sleeve.
"Agh! Gandalf, you bastard! Frodo screamed flailing his arm madly
"Ho-ho-ho" Frodo ran in circles waving his arm like a windmill then stopped, and with the cry of "Aaaaaaaaaargh!", ran towards Gandalf. The Wizard realizing Frodo was about to jump to his cart shouted "Yar", and snapped the reins. His Horse started with a jerk. The cart moved just in time as Frodo, desperate as his arm was now a torch, had jumped at Gandalf with the thought of "at least I'm taking you with me!", missed the wizard and landed in his trailer of fireworks. BOOM!!! What followed was the most spectacular, if short fireworks display ever seen in the Shire. (it was a shame no one actually witnessed it apart from two near by sparrows and a butterfly who didn't fully appreciate it. Also one of the sparrows was hit by a rocket and the butterfly was left deeply traumatised) Needless to say Frodo and Gandalf were killed outright.
Although this quite obviously did not happen, it does highlight how the journey of the ring would have been cut abruptly short if Gandalf had been a bad man.
"They took my spoons!" Part 1
A little known fact is the same day Gandalf visited his old friend Bilbo regarding his party, much more than a friendly chat over a cup of tea happened. As a matter of fact an awesome adventure involving Gandalf and Bilbo was omitted from the book and film. Well an adventure.....but one worth telling. Just.
"More tea?", Bilbo asked, holding his ornate teapot
"Oh, no thanks......Ho-ho-ho", Gandalf put down his cup and surveyed his surroundings. He liked Bag End. It was all very homely right down to the family portraits and log fire. Bilbo's past adventure had left him extremely rich and although he didn't flaunt this it was quite visible in the finery of his cutlery, ornaments and his lovely wooden flooring. Yes, the wizard thought not bad for a hobbit whose name rhymes with dildo. "You know", Bilbo said, "This is gonna be one hell of a party tonight, a matter of fact it will be a party of-"
"Special Magnificence", Gandalf finished for him wearily. "I know" The Wizard took out his crumpled invite from the folds of his robes.
The Invitation read like this.....
PARTY!!!!
Of Special Magnificence!
And You're Invited!
Gandalf that party I planned is going ahead
I expect it will be truly Wizard!
(Bilbo's Idea of Hummour)
PS. bring fireworks
"Did you fetch that big one?", Bilbo mumbled though a wedge of cheese
"The dragon?"
"Hmm"
"Oh yes I brought it"
Bilbo hopped up and down in excitement, "This is going to be great"
"Yes", said Gandalf gravely "It will be cracking! Ho-ho-ho"
"It'll be something alright." agreed Bilbo, "Oh, Frodo will be expecting strippers of course", Bilbo said waving his hands dismissively, "but you gotta go for the real thing nowadays. Nothing like a good bang!"
Gandalf spat his tea out. "Bilbo Baggines I did not think you went in for those sort of party's!"
"What do you me-", Someone suddenly gave Bilbo's door a good hammering and the cheese he was eating promptly joined Gandalf's tea on the floor. "It's the second Bagginsses!", Bildo hissed, "Quick we must hide in the cellar!"
The hobbit made a quick dash from the kitchen leaving Gandalf to follow at a more elderly pace, "Ho-ho-ho" He said. Bildo jumped into the cellar from his staircase and came out in a professional roll where he crouched holding the door. "Com'on!", he whispered urgently making waving gestures as Gandalf doddered down the narrow staircase. The Wizards movement was severely hampered by a low ceiling. He hit his head on a wood beam, and three brass pans in succession (with a sound like ping, bing, bong) which were inexplicably hanging from the roof. Gandalf did not forget to say Ho- ho-ho in all of these situations. At last he made it to the cellar where he was bungled in by a frantic Bilbo who quickly slammed the door.
The hobbit and wizard were plunged into darkness. "I think I broke my spine again", complained Gandalf rubbing his back, "Ho-ho-ho". (although you wouldn't have been able to see him rubbing his back, take it from me, he did). The two sat in silence for a bit while they listened to the second Bagginnsses shouting from outside. Bilbo gasped in terror. "Look", said Gandalf, "you don't think you're overreacting do you? I mean we could have just hid under the table or something"
"They took my silver spoons last time.....who knows what their capable of this time!" Bilbo whimpered. Gandalf was starting to worry about his friend's sanity. Then to the wizards further annoyance Bilbo began to scrabble around, throwing boxes and clothing up in a desperate attempt to find something. "Bilbo please desist, and tell me what's going on!", Gandalf commanded while a dusty warhammer rules book narrowly missed his head.
"Well....I er........There it is!"
"What is?"
"The trap door to my emergency escape tunnel. Come on we must escape!"
Gandalf was taken aback somewhat. He hadn't expected that. Somehow he'd expected Bilbo to go all quiet and mutter "my precious". It appeared Bilbo's unnatural fear of the second Bagginnses had gone beyond a phobia and into a phobium (what happens when a group of like minded phobias decide to join forces.) Bilbo now equated the second Bagginsses with spiders, dragons, trolls, castration, star trek, dwarfs singing about gold and persistent relatives. With all of these fears bundled into one monster- fear you can see why Bilbo had gone temporarily mad.
"M-Must be quick now hurry down into the tunnel!"
Gandalf scratched his head (again you will have to take this on faith) and said, "Bilbo, have you gone utterly mad? I'm not going down there. For one thing I can't see where "there" is" At this moment the faint cry of "I know you're in there" reached our two heroes' in the cellar. With a fearful cry Bilbo dived into his tunnel. Gandalf sighed, "well he may have gone insane but I for one am leaving", he mumbled to himself. He wished he hadn't left his staff on the table. Using his hands to feel the surroundings Gandalf stood up and promptly hit his head (although he was no longer in a good mood, neglecting to say ho-ho-ho on principle). He tried again, this time compensating for the roof by awkwardly bending his back. Being in total darkness can have a disorientating effect and so with hands outstretched Gandalf wandered away from the door and into a box of apples, several stacked wine barrels and something warm and furry which Gandalf did not even want to guess at before he fell into Bilbo's tunnel.
Gandalf opened his eyes. The panicky hobbit had lit a match whose flickery light was just enough to see by. The "tunnel" was actually just a small hollowed out circle. Being dug out of the Shire's fertile soil the hole smelled damp and earthy, it was also slightly colder than the cellar but what annoyed Gandalf was that he only had room to crawl and that meant to get out he'd have to go feet first (would be undignified for a wizard). Bilbo sat in its centre holding a strange silver palantir shaped orb in shaking hands. Normally such a blatantly magical looking object would have interested Gandalf but he was far too angry for that. "Bilbo Bagginness! When I get hold of my staff you better wish......er ", Gandalf couldn't actually think of a way to end that sentence so he simply shouted, "I'm going to turn you into a newt!" Bilbo leaned closer, singeing Gandalf's beard in the process, "Are you okay?"
"GAAAARHH!!", the wizard growled Bilbo jumped back.
"If my estimates are correct, the second bagginess's will be upon us any minute! Which means we must leave now!"
"GAAAARHH!!"
Bilbo looked dreamily into the mists of his orb. "Uh-oh", he said.
No sooner had Bilbo uttered those doom-laden words than the hobbit plus furious istari were temporarily blinded by a white flash followed by a whirling sound and other pyrotechniques. (also the screen shook a little as well, confirming that something strange was happening).
An explanation is probably necessary at this point. Bilbo's silver orb was in fact none other than the fabled "super" palantir. A normal palantir or "seeing stone" allowed its user to communicate with other palantir owners for 12 gold coins a month, allowing unlimited access throughout weekends and evenings. Using a palantir at any other time meant you were liable to pay an outrageous three silver coins per minute and a turnip. Communication was achieved by simply looking into the said object. However its inventors, who will remain nameless (because no one can remember who invented them) wanted to go a step further. The "super" palantir was able to magically transport its user (and immediate surroundings) to the location of another palantir. Someone suitably proficient in magic could also bend the "super" palantir to his/her will by simply imagining their destination. Bildo had come across this priceless item inside Smaugs Lair amongst the dragons gold. He had picked it up quite innocently because he liked the colour. Unfortunately for Bilbo, Gandalf, the escape tunnel, part of the cellar and that strange furry thing the palantirs current messaging service looked like this....
Sauron the deceiver - Online
To be continued.........