Disclaimer: We do not own LOST or the FallOut Boy Song "Thanks Fr Th Mmrs" that this fic was named after. (Which was one of the songs that we both listened to as we wrote this.)
A.N.) This one-shot is an excerpt from a RP that was started during season 2 of LOST. It's written by 2 authors and is set up so you'll know which author wrote which, (which means it'll flip from Sawyer's POV, to Kate's POV.)
Kate is written normal, Sawyer in italics.
The short version of the back story is that, on the island, Kate and Sawyer were witnesses to Mr. Friendly killing Ben in front of them, and got together to help each other deal with it. Kate left, but the one night left her pregnant with their first son, James. After a few months, Kate became pregnant again and gave birth to Bonnie (named after Bonnie from 'Gone with the Wind', Kate's favorite book.). After being on the island for a few years, rescue comes and they are desperate, so they have Eko perform a quick ceremony to marry them. They get off the plane with Kate disguised as Joanna. They travel together a lot, being separated, but finding their way back to each other multiple times in multiple different ways. The time right before this, they had been hiding out at Sawyer's old house and Kate's life was threatened by Hibbs. When Sawyer got Kate out of harms way, he goes after Hibbs, who tells him he knows where to find the real Mr. Sawyer. Taking Sawyer by surprise, he attacks Sawyer and would've killed him, but Kate had the gun and shot Hibbs, killing the man. Sawyer blames Kate for him losing his chance and leaves her and the kids. This story picks up a couple months after that.
Warning: Even though the rating is Teen, this story contains some pretty steaming, masochistic kissing and is very dark and full of angst.
---
Sawyer shifted in his seat at the bar a haze of smoke and liquor drenching the atmosphere. The drink in his hand was draining quickly and it wasn't his first and certainly wasn't his last. Just one in a myriad of drink from various different bars when his original ones refused to serve him, keeping himself too numb to feel remorse for leaving Kate.
Kate held the folder tight in her grasp. She was wearing a dark red corset and black leather pants. Her hair was straightened, colored a dark chocolate brown, her hair brushed over to cover half of her face and the heavy dark makeup she wore. She pushed into the bar. Finding Sawyer had proved to be almost as hard as finding the "real Mr. Sawyer." She just hoped that he hadn't left here either. She was starting to go crazy with how long it'd been since she'd seen the kids. Going on two weeks. They were staying with her father.
Kate walked into the smog, by now she never even got the initial urge to cough like she always had. She went straight to the bar, eyes scanning the customers, falling on a familiar blonde. She moved forward, biting her bottom lip roughly, feeling a mixture of relief, hurt, guilt, and anger. She moved towards him, walking to his side, shaking her head, reaching a hand out wordlessly, pressing his hand down that held the glass, eyes glued on him.
Sawyer's usually bright blue eyes held a dull steely glaze, slowly scanning the wood crevasses of the bar's surface, staring down at the glass, the dribble of liquor remaining until it landed on the hand resting against his. Her hand. No matter how wasted he tried to make himself, the sense of her touch would never escape him. He gently lifted his head up to her, the stubble on his chin and cheeks thicker then usually, speckled with a bit of gray, his hair left untamed. He resembled his old island image.
These past months he'd moved from place to place, playing a few simple cons to earn enough cash to locate Mr. Sawyer himself and finally put an end to his agonizing misery, but whenever he could manage to scrape a few bucks together he always he ended up back at the bar, feeding an addiction for painkillers, memory drowners. If he closed his eyes tight enough he could almost forget how her face looked, or how her skin felt under his finger tips, or the number of freckles on her face. Almost forget - but not quite.
And her sudden touch sent him reeling back into reality unwittingly, not even able to form words, simply staring at her.
Kate shook her head, looking down at him, putting the folder down wordlessly on the bar in front of him, eyes locked on him, seeming to take him in. He looked horrible, tortured. He looked like a shadow of his former self. And yet, she'd never wanted him more then she did in that moment. She shook her head firmly to try to get the thoughts out of her head. Getting him back wasn't why she was here. Not this time. Giving him what she'd stolen away from him was what she was doing. Her hand didn't leave his, leading his hand over to rest it on the folder, still eyes locked on him, seemingly mesmerized by him.
Sawyer felt the folder underneath his hand, but he couldn't bring seem to force his gaze away from hers, dark eyes boring holes on her soul. He visibly swallowed a rather large lump in his throat, the residue of liquor tasting greasy on his tongue.
His eyes stable, unwavering on hers he shifted to lift up the file, finally breaking physical contact with her, his hand growing cold as an extinguish flame, joints in his knuckles and fingers stiffening as he passed the file back to her wordlessly without hesitation. "This ain't your battle." His voice slowly, and hold a more pronounced accent than usual.
Kate shook her head slowly. "Then pretend it's from him." She said, not taking it, her gaze locked on his, a fire in her voice as she spoke. "I don't want you back James Ford." She said slowly, reaching into her bodice, and pulling a small object out of it. Placing the ring that he had given her down on the bar in front of him, again, her eyes not leaving him. "You want to find him. I guarantee that's the only way you will. You don't have the connections that I have on both sides of the law." She pulled her hand away from where she'd set the ring, feeling like she left behind a piece of herself there. James had stopped bothering to ask about his father when she'd taken the ring off. Leaving it behind would mean really leaving him behind.
"Use or not. It's not my problem anymore. I'm free to hate you now." Her words even and pronounced, her glare dark on him.
Sawyer closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, letting it out, his whole body shaking slightly, the amount of liquor he had consumed obviously having a strong hold on him. Though after her actions, after all her words, all he could do was scoff at her, a sick sort of smile slowly tracing his face though it was only a shadow of his former dimpled grin. He tilted his gaze down to the ring, fingering it for a moment as sipping it in his palm and closing over his hand against the table as if she couldn't take it back now if she wanted to.
Finally he looked back up at her again, with a sardonic chuckle, "You'll never hate me, Freckles." He stated simply as if it were a sure fact.
Kate shook her head. "That's what I thought. But then my survival instincts kicked in." She said simply. "If that had been the offer, 'let go of the button and let her die and you'll get the information on him.'... you would've done it in a heartbeat." She said, shaking her head, eyes locked on his. "And I actually thought that you'd changed." Rolling her eyes. "I'm smarter now. And so isn't he." She said quietly, talking about James. "He doesn't even want his name any more. It's like he's ashamed of it. Like he's ashamed of you. You're no better than your old man." She rolled her eyes. "You're no better than mine." Her voice even as she glared down at him.
Every word was like a stab to him, a festering sore already aching in his heart, just reopening over and over again with a silver blade as she spoke to him. And in his weakened, wasted state the pain was that much more visible on his face, on his whole body. His posture slumped more on the bar stool to support himself against the table, in doing so leaning ever so slightly closer to her. The muscles of his hand contracted it, holding the ring tightly in a fist, feeling it dig into the skin of his palm leaving an imprint embedded there.
Sawyer tilted his head down, staring at his closed fist, layers of corn silk hair falling to his face to shield him from her direct, cold glare. But he shook his head slowly, the smirk faded, "You don't believe that." He stated again, still just as sure as before. "You're in love with me." His voice quiet, almost tender in a whisper, trying to attack her heart to make up from her merciless slaughter of his own.
Kate shook her head slightly more. "I'm not my mother." She said firmly, gritting her teeth and squaring her jaw. "I'm not sick anymore James." She spoke slowly, swallowing a lump in her throat. "I can live without you. I certainly can't survive with you. Who knows when something else would ever come up? I'm just lucky that Mr. Hibbs had bad timing." She bit her bottom lip roughly, turning around to walk away from him. It was obvious that she hadn't been completely final in her tone, but she didn't know how much longer she could hold herself together.
Sawyer stared back up at her, his hand still clenched tightly into a fist as he stayed steely eyed and firm in his beliefs. Nothing she said was what she thought. She was tried to hurt him the way he hurt her as he walked out that door and out of her life. He shifted his other hand to take his glass, the last remnants of the liquor greasily sliding down the back of his throat, as if coating his words with bitterness as he leaned across the bar towards her, "Shut up, Kate." He groaned, his voice, deeper and darker than usual with the anger clearly portrayed.
Kate turned around to look at him, though it wasn't a glare anymore, looking broken, she lifted her hand, pointing to the faint scar on her neck. "I blame you for this." She said quietly, swallowing a lump in her throat, her voice quiet and shaking slightly. "It's funny isn't it? You could've been the one to slit my throat open in front of those kids and I still would've used my last breath to apologize for bleeding on your shirt." An ironic smile on her face as her eyes glistened slightly more. "Yes. I love you." She spoke slowly. "But someday I will be over you. But you... you'll always be you."
Sawyer's gaze started to soften, holding a more vulnerable hint now that she'd broken down her tough exterior to let her real emotions be exposed to him. Just how it used to be. Back home on the island. Back when family was home and safety was in each others arms.
"And you'll always be you." He spoke, slow and deliberately, his voice still deeper, even slightly foreboding. "And you'll always be just like me." He lifted his head up from the bar, his hair slipping out of his face, making him more visible to her again, "Because you and me...we're the same person. I understand you. I know you." He his own gaze turning to a bit harsher glare. "So you'll need some dn good stroke a' luck to find that connection with anyone else."
Kate shook her head, glancing at him, actually chuckling lightly. "I don't want that connection with you." She said slowly. "I don't want to be connected to anyone ever again." Eyes locked on him. "And I'll never drown my sorrows in a drink the way you do." She said slowly, eyes locked on him as she took a step backwards. "I'll go straight to the source." Seeming to be unable to gain her touch exterior despite her tries, his words urging her on.
Kate turned around to the man at the bar next to her. She moved towards him, gripping the back of his neck, pulling him towards herself and pressing her lips firmly against his, one leg moving up to rest on his lap just slightly.
Sawyer instantly rose to his feet with a jolt at her actions, staring at her, unable to look away no matter how much the sight hurt, searing the image in his brain. He was left anguished and unable to grasp at a thought other than the boiling rage and the fuel she'd thrown on the fire. He lifted his hand, smashing it against the bar hair, hitting his glass and shattering it all over to table, but most of it stuck in his hand, embedded deep from the force and pressure he still held it with, the blood seeping out of the skin and painting the bar and garish deep crimson, the ring he'd still been clasping tight was lost amongst the broken glass.
Kate didn't jump, having been preparing herself for some kind of reaction like that, hoping desperately for it. She shifted more, moving to slide up a bit more, straddling the man as she moved up to sit on his lip backwards, arms wrapping around his neck completely as they kissed. He seemed more then happy to oblige to her random advance.
Sawyer staggered forward, the liquor effecting his stride. Without hesitation he reached out a hand to grab her arm, the glass still embedded in his hand leaving cuts against her skin, beginning to mingle their blood. He yanked her roughly, more roughly hen he'd ever treated her, off the other man tight to himself not relinquishing his grasp at all just staring back at her with a dark glare, the pain hidden somewhere behind his eyes as he leaned in to crash his lips against hers.
Kate looked at him, wincing at the feel of the glass, eyes locking on his as he looked down, a slight hint of fear at his roughness. Kate felt his lips crash against hers, closing her eyes as she couldn't fight his grasp, couldn't break from him. She pressed back against him, both terrified and excited by his roughness and the feel of the glass slicing her skin. The slicing and his kiss were both familiar feelings. Kate shifted one hand to dig her nails into his skin.
Sawyer shifted to wrap his other arm around her back tightly to hold her up against himself so tightly she would barely be able to breathe, his tongue forcing it's way between her lips without bothering to ask for any sort of permission from her, his bloody hand staying firm in it's hold on her arm the shards of glass practically binding them together, sinking into the familiar feeling of her as his tongue ravished her mouth.
Kate felt as if she were being crushed. She tasted him as his tongue forced it's way into her mouth. Kate bit down on his tongue roughly, causing it to bleed, moaning ever so lightly at the taste of his blood in her mouth. Kate's moan turned to a groan as she felt their mixed blood travel down her arm, then back into a moan, not caring that she was running out of breath faster than she'd ever done so before with his tight grasp.
Sawyer let out a low groan into her mouth as she bit down on his tongue, though it didn't discourage him from the kiss whatsoever, in fact in only serviced to spurn him on more, his tongue roughly tangling with her. This kiss was almost more painful than pleasurable, yet with the mixture of blood and lust, pain and passion a sort of euphoria engulfed him causing him to lose track of sensibility just focusing on the primal instincts; he was a man and she was a woman.
Kate's tongue moved more against his, by now completely all out of breath, feeling lightheaded, her muscles tensed and caused the bleeding to go a bit faster, but that still didn't discourage her either, the dangerous feeling and animosity between them just making her want it more, making her push more into him. Her hands gripping his shirt, hardly able to reach that far with his tight grasp on her arms. She tugged on it roughly, a half moan, half groan emitting from her throat.
Sawyer finally released her from the kiss those his grasp still held her crushed against him, not allowing her to back up or leave his side for the other man again, his gaze on her holding no sign of love, lost completely and encompassed in the midst of pure lust and pure loathing.
Kate shook her head, her eyes locked on him as she was crushed against him. She didn't say words, soaking up the sense of hatred and loathing towards her. She shook her head, not sure why his glare was turning her on, but the pure lust in her eyes, no other emotion able to enter.
The bartender moved closer to them. "Part..."
Sawyer's breathing was heavy, his chest rising and falling against hers in quick succession. The bartender's voice reaching his ears as he were underwater and someone was trying to speak to him from above so lost in his own circumstance and purgatory with her - an ever painful pleasure. Though without another word he released her arm, and let his arm go limp around her waist, but he didn't move away from her at all. His gaze seeming almost possessive of her in a burning hatred.
Kate looked at him, not looking down at her bloody arm, just a few shards of glass from his hand had stayed behind where they'd sliced into her. She shook her head, not moving away from him at all as her eyes locked on him.
"Miss..." The bartender said, looking at her, realizing what she was wearing, making an assumption that she was a working girl. "Sorry sir." He said slowly to Sawyer, they were used to girls coming in for guys in their bar. "You can take a room upstairs for a couple hours. On the house." He said. "I didn't realize..." Turning to walk away from them.
Kate didn't respond, eyes staying on Sawyer, breathing still heavy and labored under the intense passion that literally took her breath away.
Sawyer didn't bother to look up at the bartender, not reaching for Kate again. He gave her an almost commanding gaze as if to telepathically force her to succumb to his will, turning his back to her breaking the sparks between their gazes leaving him cool. Though as he turned his attention moved to the stairs to head up them at a quick pace, assuming she was follow.
Kate moved to follow behind him, feeling as if she was trapped on a lease, following behind him, not reaching over to touch the cuts on her arm or remove the glass, the folder and ring both long forgotten on the bar as she walked up the stairs, keeping close behind him. The commanding gaze intriguing her and encouraging her even more.
Sawyer moved up the stairs without bothering to look to her at all, hearing the familiar tap of her footsteps behind him. As he reached the top of the stairs he turned to walk into the closet room, leaving the door opened wide for her, the glass in his hand so deep it was barely visible any more.
Kate walked into the room behind him, kicking the door so it would shut, eyes on him as she walked closer but didn't move forward at all or try to touch him, as if waiting for his next move, getting used and thrown away was something Kate knew well. It added to the familiarity of it all. And it had never been this intense for her in her life.
Sawyer took a deep breath letting it out slowly in labored huffs, already out of breath and they had yet to begin. He took a commanding step closer to her, yanking her towards himself yet at the same time he slammed her back up against the closed door, leaning in to press his lips to her neck, his hands already busying themselves in attempting to untie her corset, though he managed to rip multiple strings. His lips scavenged her neck, biting down on it and nibbling it to leave swollen purple marks, all a possessive gesture.
Kate opened her mouth, her head tilted back against the door, a strained noise leaving her throat, sounding slightly pained, but far from wanting him to stop. She felt breathing get both easier and harder at the same time as the corset let loose on her. She focusing on the feel of his bites, hands moving to attempt to take off his shirt, but giving him time to stop her, not in case he didn't want to, that much was obvious, but if she would be the one to take it off.
Sawyer didn't bother with the last few strands oft he corset, simply ripping them free, tossing it aside and stepping back from her enough to give her the room to remove his shirt. Somewhere in his consciousness he didn't want her too, but his hands were too busy roaming over her back and traveling down her bare waist to bother with his own shirt. He trailed his bites down her collar bone, sucking at it slightly, running his tongue over her skin to taste the light salty sweat residue there.
Kate gasped at the feel of him ripping the corset off her body, the sound of the snaps tearing as it fell off. She made quick work of his shirt, leaning back at his actions again, feeling limp like a doll in his arms as he continued his assault on her. Her nails dug into his bare back, pressing back against him as much as she can, the sounds from the back of her throat still sounding mostly like pain.
Sawyer wrenched her closer to himself, not an inch of space left to separate them, arching his back against her nails. His breath came out in labored huffs beats evenly against the skin of her neck as he paused in his assault of it for a few moments, moving his lips towards hers, "Kate..." He groaned more than moaned out against her lips, the name sounding harsh and cold from his lips yet with more passion then he'd ever said it before.
Kate felt his breath against her lips, felt the passion as he said her name. She felt herself slip even more away. "James." She said against his lips, her voice sounding dark. Just as before, using his real name because it was the way her mind worked. Sawyer had been hers, James never had been. "Make hate to me James." She said, eyes opening to look at him, eyes completely clouded over, crushed tightly against hers.
Sawyer slid his hands down her side, roughly, the glass and cuts from his hand tearing into her skin leaving sparse cuts all up her torso. He crushed his lips back against hers as she spoke his name, holding her tight between himself and the wall suffocating them both with the sheer intensity and emotions behind his kiss, forcing his tongue between her lip again deliberately making the kiss a bit slower yet equally, if not more rough, hand traveling down towards her waistband.
Kate eagerly met his kiss at his actions. She matched his pace, but at the same time, stayed completely under his control as she moved to quickly undo his jeans so that it wouldn't take double the time for them to be ready. The new cuts that he put on her torso with his grasp actually giving her another sense of pleasure, another part moan/part groan escaping her lips, muffled into his mouth.
--------
Sawyer thrust his tongue back into her mouth for a moment, needing breath desperately, but finding a sick pleasure from the lack of oxygen, heightening the entire ecstasy. Slowly he released her lips from the kiss, forehead pressed against hers, able to taste her breath from the close proximity and the senses of her taste, scent and touch running on overload. He didn't open his eyes to look at her, the anger starting to drain away.
Kate shook slightly as her forehead was pressed against his. The cuts he'd made on her body stung from the sweat that covered her entire body. Kate didn't open her eyes, trying to understand what had happened. She shifted slightly more on her feet. Her breath was heavy and sparratic.
Sawyer slowly pulled his hand back from her body as he finally seemed to realize it was actually bleeding and it actually hurt. His head throbbed from the intensity of what had just occurred, the dull ache traveling all through his body, he could feel down to his toes, every inch of him sore, yet it still radiated in him like an electric spark with happiness in the pain. His eyes opened, gaze locked on her face, for the first time in this situation with her just being James like she'd asked him to be.
Kate took a second before daring to open her eyes, looking up at him, her bottom lip trembling ever so lightly, though she didn't say anything. Kate swallowed a lump in her throat as she saw him looking at her, shaking her head slowly, one hand moving to try to wipe some sweat away from her cuts on her arms first, but her eyes never left him. She didn't dare to speak.
Sawyer didn't step back from her, still trying to grasp just actually what had occurred, noticing the cuts along her arms as she wiped away the blood and sweat. He slowly shifted to take her arm, the one he'd embedded with glass, staring at it for a moment almost seeming guilty trying to mask it with his steel eyes though the hints of blue were starting to shine through as he picked out a piece from her arm ,ignoring his own hand entirely, not speaking at all afraid he'd say too much or too little, and the alcohol still grasped him it's its clutches keeping him from being Sawyer and being guarded, left defenselessly, hopelessly James.
Kate hissed slightly at his actions, feeling the pain as he became calmer, more gentle with her. She felt tears prick at her eyes just slightly, shaking her head. "James don't." She said quietly, her voice just barely there, shaking her head more.
Sawyer slowly shifted his gaze up from the injury he'd caused, the guilt only pouring in more as he heard her speak his name. Her voice. This was Kate he'd just hurt. If there was one thing Sawyer could credit himself with, it was knowing how to treat a woman - overly treat a woman. He'd up and leave with the money but all leading up to that was the kind of gentle, caring guy any woman dreamed off. For the first time he'd used sex purely for himself and to fulfill his needs and it was the most satisfying and horrifying experience of his life.
He looked back into her eyes, trembling slightly, though instead of bracing himself against her, he took a step back as if he were afraid anything he did would spawn this angered reaction, this bottled sensation he'd had since he'd heard the gun shot that killed his childhood.
Kate looked at him as he stepped back, tearing her gaze away from him, then looking at the ground, moving her hands to wipe tears away from her face before they had a chance to fall. She didn't say anything to him yet. She didn't trust her voice.
Kate's hand shook slightly as forced herself to turn and look at him again. "James..." She said quietly, shaking her head a bit more. "I... I..." Swallowing back a rather large lump in her throat, unsure of how to finish the sentence. "I should go." She choked out slowly, still standing against the door, watching him.
Sawyer held up his hands slightly as if in surrender to show he wasn't going to try to touch her or hurt her again, blood caked and dried in his palm, yet a few more fresh, bright red drops slide down his wrist and arm. His gave held the apology his voice couldn't quite portray at that moment, still tongue tied from the combination of liquor and a passion hangover.
"Kate..." His voice breaking slightly, just soft and sorry.
Kate looked at him, shaking her head slowly, eyes moving to his hands, and then to his face. "James..." She said, her own voice breaking slowly, taking a slow step towards him. "Don't do that..." Eyes looking up at him, boring into his soul. "Your hands..." She said quietly, swallowing a lump in her throat. "James..." Still unable to really form thoughts. "please..." Her voice shaking as she stared straight at him for a long, drawn-out moment. She wasn't exactly sure what she was asking of him, but her eyes glazed over a bit more with glossy tears, though she wasn't afraid of him.
Sawyer mistook her tears for paralyzing fear of him, the alcohol having impaired his ability to understand her and be directly in tune with how she felt. He didn't lower his hands at all, taking another step away from her as she moved closer to him, not wanting to be tempted to injury her again, his gaze scanning the cuts and bruises along her body all left in his wake, like the ruins of a powerful hurricane. He shook his head firmly, though his eyes held a vulnerable glint. "...I'm sorry..." He finally managed to choke out.
Kate bit her lip roughly as he took another step away from her. She swallowed a lump in her throat, not moving towards him again, not bothering to try to wipe away the tears this time. "James..." She said, her voice barely above a whisper. "You don't have to apologize to me. Not for this."
Sawyer broke away from her gaze at the sight of tears on face, swallowing back the rising lump in his throat, fear taking a hold on him as he finally looked up to her again after a beat, "I...hurt you..." His eyes narrowing slightly in disgust for himself, his voice shaking.
Kate shook her head slowly, looking down at the ground. "I been hurt worse." She said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. She finally turned her gaze up on him. "At least I could feel it." She said slowly, swallowing a lump in her throat, eyes locked on him again.
Sawyer stared at her in complete and utter silence for a long moment at a total loss for words, shaking his head slowly his whole body still facing tremors from the shock and intensity of what had happened between them after so long apart, their air still so think with a fiery passion it could spontaneously combust again at any moment, the glaze still a bit evident in his eyes, "I'm a bad person." He reminded her, staying still in his spot, "You said so yourself."
Kate shook her head at his words. "We're the same person." She said evenly, looking him directly in the eye, quoting his own words back to him with a slight shrug. "I'm not saying I think I deserve to be slapped around. You know I'm not like that but..." She paused. "James, I literally asked for it."
Sawyer stepped back once more, seeming to just realize she'd been using his first name, the thought of it somehow terrifying him. In his mind Sawyer had always been the calculating, cruel side of it, yet here was James, so angry and misunderstood that he'd be willing to abuse Kate to calm himself. "You don't want James." He warned her, shaking his head firmly, trying to close his hand into a fist, but the gashes and glass only caused it to bleed more profusely.
Kate shook her head, feeling more tears fall. "I love you." She said quietly, shaking her head more. "And I can't help that." Swallowing a lump in her throat. "You don't choose. And... I can't have Sawyer without James... and I need Sawyer."
Sawyer stared down at his won bleeding hand, noticing a slight glint in one of his cuts, fidgeting to yank it out, blood dripping off of it symbolically as it was diamond of the rings she'd so carelessly discarded back to him. He rolled it in his bloody fingers gently, staring at it also with disdain for state it was now - symbolic of the state of their relationship, "How the hell am I supposed to protect you if I can't protect you from myself?"
Kate shook her head slowly at his words, biting her bottom lip roughly. "I left the kids at my dad's." She said slowly. "I can't... look at our son." She said, swallowing a lump in her throat. "Cause I see you. He hasn't been the same since you left. And it's different." He paused. "And Bonnie... our daughter..." Shaking her head, more tears falling now. "I just... I look at her and she still... believes. She still thinks you're gonna walk through that door and thins could be fine again. And I can't... I hate her sometimes. For believing..." Shaking her head more. "I hate my own daughter." Her voice trailed off. "I am my mother." Turning to look at him again. "You saw me with another man and... you came after me." She said slowly, eyes glued on him. "That make you your father then?" A terrified, confused look in her eyes.
Sawyer shivered slightly at the thought of it. In Sawyer's eyes, his father was merely a victim. But James remembered the rage in his father voice as he pounded on the door and the fear he'd inflicted in his mother. And the way the bed sagged under his weight as he fell limp with selfish suicide. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed to be too true. He'd sat at a bar night after night, thinking, hoping, wishing maybe the next sip would kill him and ease his suffering. Just as selfish as his father. He hadn't completed the one goal he'd ever had, hadn't yet avenged those wrongful deaths, his father's, his mother's and James' - but apparently James was still very much alive, just terrified and anguished and lying in wait all these years. And the jealousy he'd felt towards that man she'd selected randomly just to stab him was so gut wrenchingly real it could've done him in and he could've done her in. He didn't have to answer her, his gaze, his posture said it all.
Kate shook her head, watching his emotions, her hand moving down to touch the deepest cut on her side. "Then I guess my mother is in love with your father." She said quietly, swallowing a lump in her throat. "And my mother was loyal. Loyal to the man that she really loved. Loyal to a fault." She said quietly, swallowing a lump in her throat. "And all others be damned." She said quietly.
"I wanted to die James." She said quietly, eyes locked on Sawyer. "Because if I was dead, I wouldn't have to go back there to them." She spoke slowly and deliberately. "And that's why I don't call them. There would be no danger in a phone call. Used to do it all the time. I don't call because... I can't love those children like a mother should. I don't have any more love than my mother had. And she sure as hell didn't have enough to spread around." Kate paused, looking at him.
"You could have me." She said quietly to Sawyer, eyes locked on him. "We could let them live a good life. He got over you. I'm sure he's done with me by now. She'll forget." Swallowing a lump in her throat. "You could tear me to shreds and we wouldn't be hurting anyone. It's what we both deserve. For who we are..."
Sawyer stared at her, his pulse quickening and breath picking up at the sincerity of her proposition. It was as if for the first time in their lives they were being honest to each other - not expecting something the other didn't have. Just accepting each other, and reveling in the blackest of faults. And for the first time in their lives they were being honest with themselves instead of running away from their true identity, instead of taking on a false front, a fake, phony persona. He wasn't daddy dearest. He was his own father. She wasn't mama, she was her mother. And together they were one complete, flawed but content person.
He finally advanced towards her a bit though he didn't dare reach out to her still. "I need you." The words were slowly and simple and spoken more sincerely then anything he'd ever said to her. True, he loved her - he meant it every time but now knowing himself, really knowing himself he could say from the depth of his being that he needed her.
Kate nodded her head at his words, stepping closer so that they were standing a mere couple inches away. Her hand reached up to lightly stroke the side of his face, overwhelming emotions running through her mind. But they were together, and they would finally be together the way the two of them were meant to be. It had never been just the two of them. They had gotten together after he had got her pregnant before. She felt like this was the first time they actually saw each other.
Kate moved to pull his lips against hers, his words sending chills over her. She'd never heard that tone from him before. And it was almost too much for her to handle. But for the first time in her life, the last thing in the world Kate wanted to do was to run away from Sawyer. She was tired of running. And James had made her see who she was when he grabbed a hold of her to yank her off the man in the bar. Made her face herself rather then letting her run like Sawyer had done so many times. Both hands rested on the side of his face as she kissed him firmly for a moment before pulling back to look him in the eye. "I'm sick of pretending." She said quietly, eyes locked on him. "I wanna be complete now."
Sawyer looked back down at her, shifting to gently stroke his fingers through her hair, his hand trembling at the way she filled his senses, filled him so completely. Here in this moment, in her arms, he could be complete and free and finally be home; a place he hadn't know since that fateful day when he was merely nine years old.
The blood on his hand began to dry, the skin still broken, but not bleeding. Beginning to heal. Just like the way they were beginning to heal each other of delusions. He slowly, but without hesitation moved his other hand to her lower back to draw her closer towards himself to press against her again - firmly but not sheerly painfully, the hint of his former self still lingering in him. The part of him that strived for good still there, just blinded by the soul of him, the devil on his shoulder winning the internal argument, but the angel was still in his eyes as he leaned in to just softly, languidly press his lips to hers in a seeringly sweet kiss.
Kate felt him pull her into himself and she closed her eyes, nodding slowly, it was like they were the perfect fit. She was covered in dried blood the same as he was. Both hers and his. They had done enough to kill the people they had become. There was no looking back now. Kate pressed her lips back against his as he kissed her.
Even their lips seemed to melt together just perfectly, their forms were like two hand-crafted puzzle pieces, meant to fit together, though for as long as they'd been together they hadn't known just how perfect it was because they had been separated by the children, always trying to squeeze them into the puzzle too. She had never known this closeness with just one other person before. She'd finally found herself in the upstairs loft of a shady bar.
Sawyer's eyes slowly slipped closed, his lips pressing back against more a bit more firmly, a bit more aggressively, taking her in with this new found being in himself, his hand roamed up her back tracing the skin, fingers grazing over the small cuts and sores, but he kept his bloodied, injured hand resting at his side, not daring to touch her with it again. He was his father to a degree. When provoked, he would act on impulse, but now he had her all to himself and he didn't need to beat her into submission. She was his, here in his arms right now. His father was just a man in love, scorned by the object of his affection and James was just a boy who lost love and didn't know where to search for it, but Sawyer knew it be in Kate, leading everything in the right direction to this very moment. And he'd never felt so alive.
Kate matched his firmer kiss, arm moving to rest on his chest, her fingers brushing over his collarbone. She slowly let her fingers travel down her chest, tracing out his muscles, his strong stature. He could crush her completely, he could destroy her. He could hold her to him. He could make her who she was supposed to be. For the first time since they'd been back, she was happy to be off the island. They would never have seen just how much they needed to be together.
She knew she was her mother, trapped under Sawyer's love, and reveling in every second of it. And she was going to make sure that she wouldn't lose him like her mother had lost Wayne. She was a product of love like this, it was in her blood. She needed to love so strong that it hurt. And as his hand explored her back, she felt the pain dying into a dull ache, because his touch had the power to mutilate and heal.
---
And we've moved on from here, but this is the end of this section and what we decided we'd post as a one-shot. We had a lot of fun writing it. Please R/R. It'd be greatly appriciated. :D