TOW Miss Chinandolor

Summary: One-Shot. Why the guys put "Ms. Chinandolor Bong" as the receiving name on their TV Guide, as revealed in the season 4 episode TOW the Embryos.

A/N: I get inspiration for Friends one-shots from the weirdest places. This time, my roomie and I saw Matthew Perry in one of his movies on TV, and after exclaiming, "Chandler!", she proceeded to also identify him as Chinandolor. This made me think of TOW the Embryos, and wonder just what would posess the guys to put their TV Guide name as "Miss Chinandolor Bong," or why the girls would steal it every week. So, that explained, enjoy my reasoning on the subject.

Reclining in his chair, Joey took a long sip of his still-cold beer while he took in some Saturday morning cartoons. There's nothing better than this, he thought, watching with a smile on his face as Popeye came to the rescue once again. Joey shook his head. When is Bluto going to learn that he's not Olive Oyl's type?

Joey smiled as he settled further down in the recliner. After the date he had last night, he'd gotten so drunk that he was still feeling it this morning. Which was why he was already drinking a beer before noon – he wasn't quite ready to feel the pain yet. Nope, he was content to stay in this exact position drinking this beer for the rest of the weekend.

"Joey!"

Closing his eyes, Joey swung away from the TV in his recliner with the hopes that Chandler wouldn't be able to see him. Chandler's voice came from the respective bedroom, and it sounded pretty annoyed. Maybe if Joey moved down in his seat…

"Joey!"

His eyes still shut, Joey felt himself being whirled around in the chair, his feet dragging along the rug. This isn't happening, Joey thought, his head pounding. The next thing he knew, he heard the sound of hands clapping loud in his face.

"Joey!"

Joey slowly opened his eyes and gave his roommate a weak smile. "Hey, Chandler…didn't see you there…"

"How could you do this to me?" Chandler demanded, the phone in his left hand.

Swallowing, Joey thought back to the past few days, trying to figure out what Chandler was talking about. Remembering one incident, Joey answered, "Hey, man, I'm sorry about your toothbrush, but the chick got caught in the VCR again…."

"I'm not talking about that!" Chandler spat, then paused as the words sank in. "And gross! Tell me when these things happen!"

Joey shrugged. "I would've, but Monica was forcing you to help her clean the tops of the counters and I didn't want to get dragged into it too."

"I was bored, and she can be scary," Chandler said in his defense. His momentary lapse in anger ended, and once again he was pointing the phone at Joey with an accusatory glare. "Now, tell me. Why didn't I know what time that new episode of Baywatch was on this week?"

Joey winced. So that was what this was about. They usually watched together, but Joey had to be on set. While Joey got to watch it on the TV at work with his buddies, who knew of the change…Chandler didn't. "Oh, sorry I didn't call you, but I figured you'd look it up in the TV Guide!"

"I couldn't. You want to know why?"

"Uh…sure…"

Narrowing his eyes, Chandler replied, "Because someone forgot to tell me that the TV Guide didn't come this week! When I called, they said they'd dropped us as a customer because of precautionary measures. You want to tell me what that means?"

"I would if I could," Joey confessed, but for the sake of avoiding more of Chandler's wrath tried to figure out what the words "precautionary" meant.

Chandler rolled his eyes. "What'd you do to get TV Guide annoyed at us, Joe?"

"I don't know!" Joey insisted, jumping up from the recliner. He instantly regretted it when his headache grew ten times its previous size. Putting his hand to his head, he stumbled a little. "Whoa." Shaking his head, he continued, "Anyway, I really don't know! I haven't called or sent anything in or nothin'! Well, except for that one survey…"

"What'd you say?" Chandler asked, almost as if he was afraid to know the answer.

Joey paused while he remembered. "Uh…it was a couple weeks ago….there was a survey in the Guide asking us about our experience using it. While reading the survey card thing, I slipped on the Guide and was mad about that, so I told them. But that's it, I swear!"

"Oh God," Chandler groaned, putting his head in his hands. "Did you happen to go on about how much your foot hurt ?"

Becoming angry at the memory, Joey argued, "Yeah, I did! Those jerks with their slippery pages…"

Chandler glared at him. "Did you stop to think that maybe they'd drop us as a customer if they thought we were going to sue them?"

"No…oh," Joey said, giving Chandler a sheepish grin. Oops. "Sorry."

"Sorry isn't going to get our account back," Chandler snapped, going into the kitchen and rummaging through the drawers. A moment later he slapped a large rectangular card on the counter. "Here's an order card for TV Guide. Fill it all out with your information since we can't use mine anymore. In the meantime, go out and buy this week's issue."

Joey couldn't help but be a little ticked off at the way Chandler was treating him like some irresponsible child. "Hey, it wasn't my fault they use those glossy covers!"

"Whatever. Look, they called me in for work, and when I get back I want to see a new TV Guide on my chair!" Chandler said. Then he grabbed his briefcase and walked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Once he was alone, Joey went over to the card, his beer in his hand. Mouthing the words "I want to see a TV Guide on my chair!" in an angry mimic, he searched around the drawers for a pen. Finding a pencil, he began to fill out the form.

Name.

Joey sighed, about to circle the "Mr." Then he stopped, an idea forming in his brain. They didn't come often, but he was sure this one would be hilarious.

Smiling to himself, he circled "Ms." Coming up with a random spoof of Chandler's name, he wrote in, "Chinandolor Bong." About to put the pencil away, he changed his mind and erased the circle and put it around another prefix.

Perfect.

Miss Chinandolor Bong.

Tiptoeing into the guys' apartment, Rachel made her way to the living room. "Ah!" She exclaimed, jumping when the chick…which was beginning to look like a rooster…ruffled its feathers at her. "Stay away, you bird," Rachel hissed. "You're the reason I'm up before noon. I'd run from me if I were you."

Rather than running in fear, the bird gave her a blank stare before heading into the bathroom.

"Weird bird," Rachel muttered, resuming her mission.

Thanks to the chick, which had recently delighted in crowing at the crack of dawn, she'd been awake for a couple of hours. Bored, she'd turned to the TV to watch a movie.

But she didn't know what was on since she and Monica had dropped their subscription to the Guide about a month ago, when money was particularly tight. They'd been stealing it from the guys, who didn't notice if the girls waited long enough after the book arrived. Monica took special delight in saving the covers, which for some inexplicable reason bore the name "Miss Chinandolor Bong."

"A ha! Gotcha!" Rachel whispered, snatching the Guide from its spot on the table next to Joey's recliner. All she had to do was sneak back out of there and she was home free…

Or not. Just as she had the Guide in her hands, Joey emerged from his room in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers. His eyes were red, and he shuffled into the room like he wasn't quite awake yet. Looking at Rachel, he grumbled, "How dare you?"

Caught, Rachel stuttered, "I-I'm sorry, I-I just wanted to borrow…"

"How dare you!" Joey repeated, clearly not hearing her. "Those cookies are for everyone at the town fair! Take out your gun, you yellow-belly thief!"

Rachel bit the side of her mouth to keep from laughing. Of course, Joey was sleepwalking. It made perfect sense. There was no way any amount of noise she made would've gotten him up before noon on a Sunday.

"Put 'em up, partner! I said, put 'em up!" Joey demanded again.

Not knowing what else to do, Rachel hid the Guide behind her back. "Uh…howdy, sheriff! No trouble here! Just passin' through – I'll be on my way faster than you can say 'tumbleweed.'"

"Oh. Alrighty then," Joey said, picking up his boxers like he had gun holders on. "See that you do." Then he almost tripped back into his room and closed the door behind him.

Finally free to sneak back out, Rachel made her way to the door. As she did, she paused to glance back and saw the chick staring at her. To her horror, it crowed. While getting Joey to wake up was one thing, Chandler was a much lighter sleeper…

Rachel held her breath waiting for Chandler to appear in the doorway of his room. When after a few seconds, nothing happened, she let out her breath and smirked at the chick. "Ha! In your face, you mean bird!"

Then it pecked at her. Scared, she ran from the apartment, the Guide held tight in her hand.