Kate opens the door to exit the motel bathroom but pauses when she catches a glimpse of Seth. He must have returned when she was taking a shower and if the look of him is anything to go by, he had a rough night. His clothes are a mess, the back of his shirt covered in blood. Oblivious to her presence, he snorts a line of powder off the table. A part of her thinks maybe she should stop him, tell him he shouldn't be hurting himself like this - but she knows it's not her place. He's doing what he needs to survive, just like her.
"You going to stand there and gawk at me all night?" Seth asks. His voice is usually full of scorn but when he's on the verge of getting high there's something languid about it, almost teasing.
His gaze lingers on her for a moment, the deep, desperate stare of a man who's dying for salvation. Embarrassed, she grips the towel around her tightly. He cocks his eyebrow, as if to taunt her, before standing up.
"I'll be back in a bit. Don't wait up."
"Do I ever?"
He smirks. These days, he only smiles when he's riding a high but she's envious of it. She can't remember the last time she had a reason to smile. He grabs something from the drawer - condoms - before slipping it inside the back pocket of his jeans.
She's left alone, watching after him as he saunters out.
She wakes with a start, her heart pounding in her chest. This time it was her brother she killed while her father screamed at her to stop. There are many variations on the nightmare, and they all haunt her nights.
The street light from outside casts an eerie glow over the room. Seth is sitting at the small table, doing lines. She gets up from the bed and heads over to him, taking a seat next to him. Clad in a pair of boxers, he's all heat and muscles but she pretends not to notice.
"What do you want, Princess?"
"I can't sleep."
"What do you want me to do about it?"
She stares down at her hands, ignoring the intensity of his gaze. "Does it make you forget?" she asks, referring to the drugs.
"It makes me wanna fuck."
She meets his stare. His brown eyes are dazed, yet simultaneously shining with cruelty. "You're lying."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because you like getting under my skin."
His jaw clenches. "Don't flatter yourself, sweetheart."
"You know it's true. You like to pick, and prod, until there's nothing left to a person."
"You're the one who asked for an invite to this life," he reminds her pointedly.
"You don't have to get defensive." She leans in ever so slightly, holding his gaze. She feels brave, reckless all of a sudden. Playing it safe seems to be a pointless exercise when she can die at any moment. "I didn't say I didn't like you pushing my buttons."
His eyes linger on her lips, his face so close she can practically feel his breath humming against her skin. The heated pools of his eyes scorch her to her very core.
"What the fuck are you doing, Kate?"
"Getting my high."
"Find another drug."
"You're what I want."
His hands are quick, grabbing the back of her head to pull her close. Her heart's racing a mile a minute, her body taut with tension. Something she's never felt before ripples through her, a deep yearning that seems to connect to the very intimate part between her legs.
"Don't play with fire, Princess," he growls.
"Or what?"
"You'll get burned." He moves forward. His lips are tantalizingly close, brushing against hers gently. And just when she reaches out to touch him, feel him, he pulls away. "Fuck you." He stands up, grabs the clothes lying on top of his bed and storms out.
The emptiness in her is just as vast as before but at least there's a faint glimmer of light, a hope of a connection. For the first time in a long while, she smiles.
They don't talk about that night, but Seth never does coke in front of her again. He's also careful to keep his distance, disappearing magically whenever she heads to the bathroom to take a shower. She contemplates provoking him, but in the end decides it's not worth it. He's a wild animal, trapped in her presence, and if she pushes too hard he might just attack.
She loses her virginity to Hernando, a man who's closer to Seth's age than her own. The first time they do it it's awkward, less than pleasant, but then he whispers in her ear and if she closes her eyes tight enough she can pretend it's Seth on top of her. It's Seth's fingers that probe her, his lips that kiss her, and soon she's on top, riding Seth towards her very first orgasm.
Hernando's staying in the room next to hers and when Seth leaves her alone the next night she knocks on the wall, signaling Hernando to come over. But even she's not prepared for the anger that's unleashed when Seth bursts in on them unexpectedly. He drags Hernando from the bed, screaming at him, kicking him, and she watches from the sidelines, taking in Seth's anger. He won't look at her, he won't talk to her, but he beats the crap out of Hernando until the man is a bloody mess.
When Seth comes back to the room after, he doesn't say a word, instead slamming the bathroom door in her face. She goes back to bed, staring up at the ceiling. Her blood is filled with excitement but her eyes are heavy with sleep and eventually she gives into the slumber.
She wakes up to find Seth in his bed, watching her, and she turns towards him. "You think it's fair that you won't touch me but you won't let me fuck anyone else either?"
"Life's a bitch, Sunshine. Haven't you heard?"
She sends him a smile, a slow, languid smile designed to fuck with his head. "How far are you willing to go to stop me?" She slides her hand down underneath her pajama bottoms, below her panties, her eyes locked with his as she begins to touch herself. "I think of you touching me like this," she murmurs, pleasure shooting through every nerve in her body, heightened even more by his gaze. "And I wonder..." her breath hitches in her throat, feeling the keen sense of pleasure surge through her.
"Wonder what?"
She doesn't respond, lying on her back now. Every thrum of her finger is like having his hands roam over her body. It's his name that she moans, and she's so close to the edge, so, so close, and when her climax hits it's an explosion of every fantastic thing imaginable.
He remains still, frozen, and she turns her back on him to go to sleep.
They don't talk about that night but a week later he crawls into her bed when he thinks she's sleeping and holds her tight until it's close to dawn. When he leaves her bed to return to his own, she doesn't stop him.
A month later he drops the facade, stays with her the whole night.
Six weeks after that, they make love for the first time.
Life isn't perfect, or even anywhere close to it, but at least now she has a reason to smile and hope again and she clings to it with everything she has.