Worst Moment
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Sometimes I wonder who the hell I really am.
My name's Sam Winchester, but what's in a name, you might ask? Well, nothing special.
I'm sure around the world there exist many others who bear the same one; Sam Winchester New York, Sam Winchester Iowa or maybe Sam Winchester London, but unlike me they've never been terrified out of their minds when finding out they were engineered solely to be the perfect vessel for Satan himself, that's not counting of course, the side-plate of being slated as the leader of Azazel's demon army!
You might debate that the years in the Cage being ripped to shreds by Lucifer and Michael, would have been the worst thing to happen to me but it wasn't. The terror that permeated my very soul when Lucifer revealed my designated destiny in that crappy motel room, brought inconsolable tears to my eyes.
Nothing new I mused wryly; Dean often calls me 'emo' and 'girlie', and I do admit that my eyes have a tendency to tear up at times, but that's usually where my big brother's concerned, for he's truly the only one who can move me to tears.
I love Dean with an intensity woven of shared moments and a life lived in each other's pockets, so a word or a glance from him can set me off, but the tears that blossomed when Lucifer appeared were not of emotion but of utter despair at the enormity of what I was expected to go up against.
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I had been alone then, Dean had sensibly decided we were better off apart, and I'd agreed, though my heart had splintered into a thousand pieces at our separation, but when I found myself face to face with my terrible destiny, like a small scared child, I longed for Dean's stalwart presence at my side.
As soon as Lucifer disappeared, I'd phoned my brother; told him what the devil had revealed, but Dean had brushed me off, as if he'd been expecting more bad news and just didn't want to deal, even if it concerned me.
I understood; Dean was at the end of his tether, he'd been through so much for me already and I could empathise; he didn't want anything more to do with my sorry ass and who could blame him, certainly not I.
I'd never told him how I'd tried to kill myself afterwards, HAD killed myself, overcome with despair, only to find my eyes opening again and my body whole after a few scarce minutes.
x
Yes that was the worst moment of all; the apotheosis of all the shitty things I had experienced.
I saw no way out, Lucifer wouldn't let me die and I knew he'd continue to bombard me endlessly until I gave him permission to wear me as his meat-suit.
Worst of all, there was no Dean to lean on, to cajole or yell or punch me out, and without my big brother by my side, I was terrified that sooner of later I would weaken and surrender to Lucifer.
x
As yet I still don't know why Dean called me back to him, he's never explained, but I know my big brother and something must have happened to make him change his mind, deciding after all we were better together than apart, that we kept each other human.
Perhaps one day I'll work up the courage to ask and he might even give me a straight answer, but whatever the reason, I was never so glad to see his familiar figure standing by the Impala when I drove towards him that day.
We hadn't been okay with one another but it had been a beginning and we had avoided the Apocalypse.
x
I sighed, the merry-go-round was spinning, and here we were again, at odds with one another.
Who was right, who was wrong? I no longer knew.
The need to keep me safe was indelibly imprinted in Dean's DNA, genetically impossible for him to let me die!
I turned restlessly on the bed and curled my body into a ball, trying to reason on why was I so upset with my brother. I was alive after all, even if Dean's method had angered me, but then it's not as if I'd never considered using outlandish means to save him when necessary.
I sighed; I was so confused.
x
I realise my words had wounded Dean, but we've said hurtful things to each other many times.
Dean had sworn Benny was a better brother than I'd ever been, and if he'd scientifically chosen the best words to wound me, then he couldn't have picked better ones; I'd been shattered by them. I can't deny I've done stupid things, Ruby comes to mind, but my love for Dean has never wavered and I've always tried to protect him as much as I could.
I passed a weary hand over my face; I think what was really scaring me was the lengths we'd go for each other. What boundaries were left for us to break in our eternal struggle to keep each other safe?
Perhaps that's why I'd told Dean we'd be wiser hunting as partners and to forget the brother part.
We have to be sensible about each other, tone down our emotional entanglement.
Our bond, this need to hold tight, had almost destroyed the world. A line has to be drawn somewhere, but then unbidden scenes of our past life together infuse my mind; the joy we shared in small stolen moments plus the painful ones which united us just as much, and I know I will get up and go to him.
There is so much evil out there beyond the bunker's warded doors, evil that is still gunning for us and if we want to overcome it we have to be a team.
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I rolled off the too-short bed and padded bare-footed down to the library.
I would make things right between us.
I had lied when I told Dean we should only consider each other partners, for that's impossible. Dean is my big brother and I love him with all my little brother heart.
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The enD
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Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed my past stories :)