Rusty as shit, but I'm trying desperately to get back into writing. I haven't written properly in many months. I apologize for the fics I haven't updated in a long time. I will get there.
This will be a two or three shot only.
- MT
"You have a beautiful smile," His right hand gently moved the single strand of blonde hair that managed to fall out of place, and placed it gently behind her ear. "You know that, right?"
"Frankie," Maura looked down to the computer screen that sat on the table in front of the two. "I'm sorry but I meant what I said the other day." She turned to look at him. She didn't want to hurt him, he was family to her.
Frankie thought back to the Monday when he had bought Maura her favorite organic gluten free vegan frozen treat from the store close to the precinct.
*flashback*
She looked beautiful, she always did, but today her hair had been delicately placed into the perfect bun with her fringe parted neatly to either side. The pale yellow dress that she chose to wear, hugged every single curve on her glorious body. Maura Isles was an image of beauty. The definition of stunning, if you will.
"Thank you, Frankie," Maura smiled at the middle Rizzoli and scooped some of the frozen snack into her mouth. Allowing a subtle moan to escape as her taste buds came alive. "God this is so good."
The handsome detective felt his stomach do a somersault as his eyes darted to the doctor's lips where a small nut had been left behind. He reached forward with his thumb and swiped Maura's bottom lip and removed the nut. His heart sank and as Maura moved back.
"You're like a brother to me." She blurted out.
"So I'm no friend zoned," He laughed. "I'm family zoned." He took a moment to take in the words he had spoken.
Maura looked down at the frozen yogurt treat that now was placed on her desk. She hated being the one to do this, but she couldn't string him along, she couldn't sleep with him, she couldn't start something with him...he wasn't the one that she wanted.
*end flashback*
"It definitely hurts a hell of a lot more being 'family zoned' by you, considering you're not technically my family." He allowed a nervous laugh to escape his mouth. "So I should stop trying?"
"It wouldn't be fair, Frankie. I'm attracted to you, I will admit that," Maura straightened herself. "But only because you would be an ideal mate. You have strong genes; you would make a fantastic father, one day. I'd only be sleeping with you for personal release." The Doctor looked away from Frankie as he raised his eyebrow toward her. "You deserve better than that Frankie. My feelings for you...would never be more than platonic. I see you as family. Dare I say that I see you as a,"
"For the love of god don't say it." Frankie pleaded.
"A brother." She finished firmly. She needed this to be said. There could be no more of these little meetings of Frankie trying. They needed to stop. "And I'm afraid, even if I didn't see you as...as some kind of a sibling...I wouldn't be able to be with you as it wouldn't be fair on you. I would," She cleared her throat; taking a moment to clear her thoughts and be careful not to reveal anything she wasn't prepared to reveal. "If I were to be with you, Frankie, I would be only settling. And that's something that you don't deserve and it's something I don't deserve."
"Why would it be settling?" Frankie wasn't even sure he had asked. His voice was soft, almost a whisper.
Maura looked down at her hands that were clasped together in her lap. "Because the person that I would rather be with is with someone else, and technically speaking, you would be the next best thing." She sighed. Praying Frankie wouldn't understand what she was talking about.
He shook his head as tears threatened their way to surface. "I think I get it." He stood up, needing to leave before his dignity became endangered. "I won't try anymore, I promise you I won't." He avoided eye contact with the doctor, afraid his eyes would betray him. Frankie made his way to the door of Maura's office and turned around. "But for the record, this person is an idiot."
With that, Frankie turned and headed for the elevator.
Jane sat at her desk staring at the email she had opened on her computer. The day had been dramatically slow; there was literally nothing for her to do. Not even dreaded paperwork. And no work to focus on allowed Jane's thoughts to float to the top of her brain and make her sit there and think about nothing else other than what was going on in her mind.
She quietly sighed as her eyes scrolled back to the top of the email; she was putting herself through pure torture as she re-read her words for what felt like the hundredth time in under an hour.
Casey,
I don't know how to start this. I really don't. I'm sitting here at work with nothing to do and I hate that I have nothing to do because I sit here and I think about the things that have been threatening to come out for a while now. And I just want to push it all back down and carry on with this, carry on with us, and pretend I am happy with everything that is going on.
I'm so sorry, Casey. I know this is such a cop out and that I should tell you this face to face, or even just on Skype, I should be saying this with my mouth, not my fingers. You deserve better than that. But I can't keep on going about this and pretending that everything is fine when it's not. It's no where close to fine.
Why can't I just be the girl everyone wants me to be? I could marry you, settle down, have a couple of kids and find a normal job. I know you're not asking me to leave my job, Casey. That's what Ma would want though. She wouldn't understand that I could be a detective and be a mom, too.
I need to tell you the truth, and I'm sorry for lying to you this whole time, but I didn't know what else to do. I only wear the ring when we're talking on Skype. I talk to you and I feel like we're engaged. But to everyone else I'm not engaged. I've even told Maura that I haven't even given you an answer when I had. It doesn't...feel right, Casey. It doesn't. I'm sorry and I feel like the shitiest person but it's true. I love you, god I do, but I don't love you the way that I need to to become your wife.
You're Casey. You know? You're that one guy that I've always given a damn about. The one guy that I've allowed into my life, behind the barriers that I've put up. And it kills me that you still don't know me, and I don't know you. Not at the end of the day. I live in this fantasy world when you're around. Like I'm this love sick teenager and we're dating and everything is perfect. But it's not. It's not perfect. I'm not a love sick teen. I'm Jane Rizzoli. First and foremost I am a detective. It's who I am. It's not just a job; I'm not a waitress or a car sales woman. I'm a detective. At the end of the day when I finish work, I don't stop being a detective. It doesn't stay at work. I bring home my work. It's like Maura said, "a chef by day is still a chef by night." or something like that...I think she means just because he hangs up his chefs uniform at the end of the work shift, doesn't mean he stops being a chef. He comes home to his family and he cooks, he thinks about food, new ways to create it, new ways to better him.
Does that make sense? Or am I around Maura too often that I'm actually starting to understand some of her Google mouth?
I don't like the person I become when I'm with you. She doesn't feel like me. She's not me. She's the Jane everyone wants me to be. The Jane who isn't a detective. I sound like some whiny little bitch who is complaining that no one wants her to be who she is. I just...I can't be me and be yours at the same time. I can't.
You deserve better than me. You deserve somebody who would show off her ring to everyone she got a chance to, not put it in a box and leave it in her underwear drawer. You deserve someone who gets excited that their boyfriend is home on leave, not someone who bitches to her best friend that you cleaned out her fridge and now she wants you to go back to a war zone. Not someone who loves you, but knows deep down in her heart that she's in love with someone else.
If you could tell me where I can post the ring, I would appreciate it.
I'm sorry, again, that I've done this by email.
I hope one day you can forgive me.
Jane, x.
She was a terrible person, it was official.
Holding her breath, she waited for the word 'sent' to appear on her screen before exiting the email website.
"Janie,"
Jane looked as her younger brother entered the bullpen. "What's up?"
"Can we talk, in there?" He pointed to the interrogation room.
Following Frankie into the interview room, she watched as he began to pace. "Are you okay?"
"I think about her all the time," Frankie slammed his open hand flat on the table. "I could give her anything she ever wanted, everything she ever needed. But no, she tells me that while I would be the ideal mate, she would be settling."
Jane's brow's furrowed in confusion.
"Maura, Jane, I'm talking about Maura." He was frustrated.
"I thought you said that you weren't going to try and pursue anything with her." Jane folded her arms and continued to look at her brother with confusion.
"Well I needed to get you off my back, Janie." Frankie shook his head. "I thought maybe you were the reason that Maura wasn't opening up to me, allowing me in."
"Maura's old enough to make her own decisions."
"How would you have felt knowing that your brother was sleeping with your best friend, Jane?"
Jane swallowed and bit down on her bottom lip. "I would have hated it, but if it was what she wanted, I would have...I would have accepted it."
"Y'know, for a detective, you're doing a pretty shitty job!"
"What the? Where the hell did that come from?" Anger rose in Jane's voice as she put her hand on her hip and pointed at her brother. "Don't start shit with me just because you can't get your end wet!"
"You have no idea of what's right under your fucking nose!" Frankie scoffed. "It's your fault you know!"
"Don't blame me because Maura turned you down!" Jane yelled.
"She turned me down because of you, Jane!" Frankie yelled back.
"Oi!" Korsak opened the door. "Will you two keep your voices down, the whole station can hear you. The Boston Police Department is NOT a place for Rizzoli family affairs!" Korsak looked between the two siblings. "Frankie, Martinez wants you in his office." He turned his attention to Jane. "There's no work to be done here, go home and calm down. And that's an order, Rizzoli."
Frankie moved past his sister, shoving her out the way with his elbow. Korsak shook his head at Jane before closing the door, allowing Jane to be alone in the interrogation room.
"What the hell just happened?" Jane wondered out loud.
Tossing the lid of her beer in the trash, Jane brought the cold beverage to her lips and sculled half the bottle in one breath. She had been home for an hour already and still she couldn't shake the anger she felt. Walking over to her lounge, she plumped down, smiling briefly as her furry companion joined her.
"I'm so confused, girl." The detective rubbed the little dog's head, Jo let out a deep sigh, loving that her human was home and she was getting the attention she deserved.
Jane reached forward and grabbed her phone from her work belt that she had placed on the coffee table in the middle of the lounge room. Leaning back, she opened her messages and smiled at the last person she had messaged, her best friend. Jane's smile soon faded as she saw Casey's name right below Maura's. Opening Casey's messages, she sighed at the last few messages the couple had shared.
C - 'I can't wait to get home and see you. I love you so much, Jane. X'
Her heart broke knowing that at any minute Casey would be reading the email she had sent him.
Looking back at her response to the message received, she sighed.
J - 'It will be good. Love u 2 x'
She had done the right thing, emailing him what she had. There was no point stringing him along when her heart wasn't in it.
Exiting her messages with Casey, she went back to the main part of her inbox and she tapped on Maura's name, opening their conversation. Without realizing exactly what she was doing, her fingers began to glide across the screen.
J - 'I broke up with Casey.'
The detective hit send.
M - 'Oh. Why?' M - 'Are you okay?'
J - 'If you want to date my brother, then date him. Don't let me stand in the way of romance.'
J - 'I'm fine. It was the right thing to do.'
M - 'I don't want to date Frankie. I told him that my heart is otherwise occupied. It has been for a very long time, and it wouldn't be fair on either him or I for me to settle.'
Jane fumbled with her phone for a few moments. She didn't even register that there were tears slowly falling down her cheeks.
J - 'Ian?'
M - 'No, not Ian.'
M - 'I haven't loved Ian for a very long time. Years, if you will.'
J - 'I didn't know you had met someone. I'm happy for you.'
J - 'Have I really been that bad of a friend that you couldn't tell me you were in love?'
M - 'You're not a bad friend, Jane. You're my best friend. I didn't tell you because there's nothing to tell. It's complicated. Forbidden.'
J - 'I'm your best friend and yet you couldn't tell me that you love somebody. That hurts.'
M - 'Please don't.'
J - 'Who is it?'
Jane checked her phone for the fifth time within the minute. She hadn't heard back from Maura in 30 minutes.
J - 'Y'know what, don't worry about it. Sorry you can't tell me. Sorry for trying to be a friend. I'll leave you alone. See you work tomorrow.'
Jane turned her phone off and flung it across the room, watching it slide underneath her TV cabinet. She grabbed the pillow from where Jo was sitting and screamed into it, scaring the dog who sat up and barked at her human.
"You know last week when I came here to drop off your mother's lasagna," Maura announced as she walked into Jane's apartment and slammed the door behind her.
"Jesus!" Jane jumped up and put her hand to her chest. "You scared the shit out of me, Maura!"
"You were wearing your engagement right, Jane."
Jane looked down at her feet.
"You told me that you hadn't given Casey an answer, and yet here you were on Skype with him, wearing your engagement ring." Maura's hands went to hips. "So don't you dare sit there and accuse me of not opening up to you about being in love when you didn't even tell me that you were engaged, Jane. You're supposed to be my best friend, too! It goes both ways, so don't throw accusations around when you're being no better yourself!"
"I wasn't engaged, Maura!" Jane yelled, she hadn't meant to, but her anger was coming out. Everything was getting to her. "I couldn't say no to him, I couldn't break his heart so I told him yes and I wore the stupid ring when I spoke to him."
"So you WERE engaged!" Maura yelled back.
"ONLY TO HIM!"
"I didn't ask if you were engaged to the whole of Boston, Jane! Of course you're only going to be engaged to one person!"
Jane was crying, she didn't know how to explain. "In my mind I was only engaged with him, Maura. Not with anyone else. Not even with myself! I would get off the computer, put the damn ring back in its box, and throw up in my toilet because I was lying to Casey. I didn't love him like that, I don't love him enough to be engaged to him but I couldn't tell him, because he looked so damn happy every time he spoke to me." Jane broke down, sobbing.
"Jane," Maura went to move closer until Jane moved back.
"No, don't." Jane shook her head and wiped her tears. "Don't come near me. It was different Maura. It's all different. Why couldn't you tell me you were in love with someone? Do you think that I'm that self involved that I wouldn't be happy for my best friend? Is that what you think of me?"
"What's the point of telling you when I can't be with the person I'm in love with?" Maura's voice was broken as she looked down at her hands. "I just needed to get over this person."
"But you're not over them." Jane stated.
"No, I'm not. I've been in love with her..." Maura stopped herself as she realized what she had said.
"Her?" Jane asked, looking at her best friend who was still avoiding eye contact. "Her who?"
"It doesn't matter." Maura wrapped her arms around herself, feeling so open and vulnerable. "I should go."
Jane ran and stood in front of Maura, pushing the front door closed. "It matters to me." The detective whispered.
"Why did you break up with Casey?" Maura matched Jane's whisper. Still not making eye contact with the detective, she kept her eyes fixated on the door behind her best friend.
Jane's heart raced, she could hear the vicious beating in her ears. It was now or never.
"He isn't you." Jane whispered as tears fell down her face.
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
- Brave - Sara Bareilles.
Reviews are welcome and make me smile, good or bad.