A/N: This story idea came about thanks to the accompanying pic, so yeah, I'm going there and no one can stop me. So kick back, relax, and lemme know what you think (if your brain doesn't melt first).

Hundred Acre Kanga

"This is absolutely ridiculous," Christopher Robin grumbled.

There was a bear lying next to him, a bear in a pair of red swimming trunks chewing on a honey nut crunch bar and enjoying the fur-baking warmth of the sun overhead and sand underneath.

"What's ridiculous, Christopher?" it asked thickly, not even bothering to sit up. Whatever the boy next to him was going to say, it didn't warrant the energy needed to move.

"This is," Christopher said with a hard exhale through his nostrils. He sat in a pair of periwinkle-blue trunks with his knees drawn up, fingers tracing lopsided shapes in the sand. "I mean, just look at her, Pooh. What do you see?"

It crossed Pooh's mind once or twice to imbed the rest of his honey nut crunch bar right between Christopher's flapping lips, just to quiet him down for an hour or two. Because he already knew what the boy was talking about, it was all he ever seemed to talk about nowadays, and God above, while Pooh loved Christopher more than all the honey in the world, he wished the boy would just follow his instincts.

"Hmmm, what do I see," Pooh repeated, and he pushed himself up with a very exaggerated grunt, to make sure he ground home his annoyance. It only took a quick look over the beach, out into the gentle waters, to see what Christopher was referring to. "I see our friends, Christopher, I see our friends playing in the water."

"Pooh, c'mon… you know what I'm talking about," Christopher pushed. "It's weird, isn't it?"

"Hmm, what could ever be weird about a kangaroo in a bikini, Christopher?" Pooh asked sincerely, and even he had to inwardly admit the ridiculousness of that question. To him, seeing Kanga in one of her salacious swimsuits was commonplace—this wasn't the first time they had gone to beach, after all, even if it was their first time with Christopher—but looking over at the red-faced boy next to him, Pooh could see that such a sight was clearly distressing him. "Christopher, is there something wrong with your legs?"

"Wh—my legs?" Thrown off track and blinking, Christopher extended his legs out in front of him. "No, why?"

"Oh bother, I figured there must be since she's well within walking distance," Pooh pointed out from around a healthy bite of his honey bar. It was but one of a long stream of honey-related comestibles Christopher had introduced Pooh to, and he was already in love. In love enough to deal with Christopher's constant back-and-forth, at least. "Hmmm, you could go talk to her. You should go talk to her."

"That's a terribly frightening suggestion, Pooh," Christopher said, leaning back on his palms and squeezing tight handfuls of sand. "That'd be like me suggesting you go a week without honey."

"Hmmm, when you consider asking me to do that would be akin to murder, it's not really a fair comparison, Christopher."

Christopher grinned. "This is true."

"So, that leaves you with two options," the bear continued, languidly licking the empty honey nut crunch wrapper, "you can either exercise your legs and go talk to her, or I can exercise mine and go tell her for you."

"I'm afraid if you did that, that'd be the last honey nut crunch bar you'd be getting from me," Christopher countered.

"My but you're a terrible one," Pooh sighed, flopping back over. "Fine."

Of course, Christopher knew Pooh did not buy his threat for a second but he appreciated the bear dropping the subject all the same. At present, he was far too busy trying to tame his heart, which was racing circles around his ribcage. Just staring out at the lovely kangaroo mother playing in the water with the others was giving him palpitations of the best kind.

Kanga was so beautiful, playfully splashing Roo with her tail while tossing a beach ball back at Tigger, who passed it to Rabbit, who caught it upside the head because he either wasn't paying attention or even aware that he was part of their game. Even from his distance, he could hear the angelic trills of her laughter; it wasn't mocking or condescending, or maniacal like Tigger's, it was just… soothing.

Unlike the others who were decked out in trunks, being the only female, Kanga was merrily splashing about in a very lacy bikini, one with crisscrossing lines that shaped delicate patterns over her motherly figure, over those voluptuous curves, granting her a suggestive aura that just wasn't present when she wore nothing at all. Christopher wasn't quite sure how that was possible and to be honest, he didn't really care—he was more interested in Kanga herself than her figure anyway.

He absolutely adored her mannerisms, how she always seemed to maintain a level-head even when Tigger and the others, including himself, often got into precarious situations. Though she wasn't one, Christopher often saw Kanga as something of a doting housewife, and on more than one occasion, many of which would stay with him until the day he ceased to breathe, he liked to wonder if he would make a suitable partner for her? It was a pretty foolish thought, even he had to admit this, but his mind loved to paint out these impossible scenarios as if they had a chance of happening.

Each and every one of them, from the ones where they took long walks through the Hundred Acre Wood to the more embarrassing few where the two of them wound up cuddling, they all ended the same way.

With Christopher and Kanga kissing.

And each and every time, Christopher would go so red in the face that anyone who saw him at the time would swear he had come down with a fever.

"Look alive, Christopher."

Pooh's lethargic voice invaded the sanctity of Christopher's mind and he focused up in time to notice the thick-thighed kangaroo mother herself coming to a halt in front of him. She was smirking down at him, bathing him in her cool shadow, and when he slowly looked up at her, she placed one of those nurturing padded paws on her hips.

"Christopher, dear, are you just going to sit up here on the beach all day with this lazy bear," and her jubilant eyes drifted over to the comatose Pooh who lifted a single paw in what Christopher understood to be a rude gesture, "or are you coming to join us in the water?"

Don't look at her bathing suit, don't look at her bathing suit, don't look at her bathing suit, don't look at her bathing suit and now you're looking at your bathing suit, quit looking at her bathing suit, quit looking at her bathing suit—

"Th-that's a really nice bathing suit, Kanga," Christopher blurted out and he mentally kicked himself. Gosh darn you, Christopher!

"Hm?" Kanga glanced down at the purely immodest way her bikini showed off her figure, how it clung to her like a second skin. "Oh, you mean this old thing? Thank you, dear. Goodness me, I'm surprised it even still fits..."

"How on earth you managed to squeeze all that tail into such a microscopic bathing suit is a wonder beyond my years," Pooh said, lazily wiggling his limbs about.

As if that weren't insulting on any plane, Kanga glanced over her shoulder, flicking her tail rather shyly and running a paw up the expansive curve of her backside with something of a melancholy sigh. "You're telling me. It is rather tight but I didn't think it would be too noticeable." She turned ever so slightly sideways with an inquisitive glance at the boy she had unknowingly rendered dumb. "You don't think so right, Christopher?"

But her actions, that subtle sashay in his direction, the way she stared, all of it had left Christopher all kinds of mentally disjointed at the moment and thus unable to reply.

Fortunately, Pooh was there for him.

"Hmmm, I do believe Christopher the wrong person to ask such a thing," he told the curious mother kangaroo in fifty tones of placid.

"And why is that?" she wondered genially, bending over until she and Christopher were almost nose-to-nose, her eyes tracing his for any sign of illness, which was what she figured had to be the cause behind the crimson flooding his face.

"Because Christopher happens to fancy everything about your existence," said Pooh, and the speed at which Christopher turned to look at the prone bear caused his neck to crack, "so asking him if you look good in your bikini is essentially cheating. He's naturally going to say you do, Kanga."

So many emotions bubbled up within Christopher in that exact moment, everything from white-knuckled anger to heart-sinking shame, that, again, he was left unable to do anything but gawk, wide-eyed, at the bear he once considered to be his closest, most bestest friend. He sorely hoped Pooh had enjoyed the treat because it was the last honey nut crunch bar he would be getting for a very long time, possibly ever.

Struggling to come with something, anything, to say that could save himself from Kanga's surprised gaze, Christopher repeatedly opened his mouth like a fish out of water, probably uttering what a fish out of water would say as well. Nothing but sputters.

"I know that, you silly bear," Kanga said, and it was as if the entire world had screeched to a grinding halt when she leaned in even further, placing a lingering kiss over Christopher's cheek. "That's why I asked him what he thought. Obviously, this bikini isn't for me, it's for me to model for him."

"Wuh?" It was the best Christopher could get out as he sat there with a hand over the spot Kanga had kissed. He could feel his cheek burning, much like the rest of his face, and he watched, speechless, when she backed up and gave a little twirl, allowing him to see all the miraculous ways her bathing suit fit.

"Well?" she asked, and it was that coy little smile that oiled the gears in Christopher's mind and got them turning properly.

"Simply… stunning," he told her, feeling altogether incredibly daft even after she flashed him an appreciative smile.

Of course Kanga would already know how he felt, she was part of his imagination. While Christopher was busy entertaining himself with all these humiliating daydreams of the two of them being together, thinking it was some big secret between himself and Pooh, Kanga had probably known a long time ago that he harbored the biggest crush for her.

Looking at her now was almost unbearable, mostly because when he did, when he summoned the strength to glance up from the way her thunderous thighs were slammed against each other, there was this knowing glint in her eye that made his stomach flip.

Christopher buried his face in his hands, wishing the sun above would bake him alive. "I… feel so stupid…."

"Oh, come now, Christopher, feeling that way isn't stupid," Pooh drawled, flipping himself into a sitting position. "Maybe a bit sad, certainly, but not stupid."

"Quiet, you," Kanga shushed, turning to Christopher with a serene smile. Bringing her tail around to the front, she placed it under his chin with a lifting nudge. "It's perfectly okay to love me like you do—"

"—said no healthy study ever concerning imaginary friends," Pooh added dryly.

It was funny, when Kanga's tail whipped a powerful flurry of sand Pooh's way. When he was sent barreling backwards, Christopher figured the honey-obsessed bear deserved at least that much and chuckled somewhat.

"As I was saying," Kanga continued in far gentler tones, "considering I'm one of the only females of your main group, it's not hard to figure out what inspired you to make me. Although I'm extremely flattered, I'm not quite sure what about me you find so captivating... but we can explore that if you want. I am yours after all."

Hearing her say that wasn't what shot a proverbial arrow through Christopher's heart, it was the way she had said it, mewling the words out in a heady, near breathless coo. The way her eyelids lowered into that piercingly seductive leer did nothing to steady the boy gazing up at her either.

"You're young yet, Christopher," she told him softly, and her tail slid down his front at a pleasurably slow pace, down his chest, over his stomach, and even further south, drawing a surprised gasp from him, "we can take our time, set our own pace. Trust me, dear, I'm in no hurry…."

"Oh bother, you might not be, Kanga, but if you keep doing that I don't think we'll be allowed on this beach anymore. Indecent acts against a minor are frowned upon, you know, imaginary or not." Pooh had come waddling back to Christopher's side, brushing sand from the top of his round head. "Tails to ourselves until we're back at the forest."

"No way!" came a forlorn shout and Christopher tore his eyes away from the beautiful visage of Kanga to see a distressed looking Tigger bouncing toward them, followed by Roo, Owl, and Rabbit while Gopher and Piglet were adamantly trying to keep Eeyore from drowning himself. "What're you guys talkin' about? We're not goin' back already, are we? We just got here!"

Beyond Tigger's poor grasp of time, considering they had been at the beach for a little over an hour, the poor tiger looked about ready to cry, which Roo faithfully mimicked, his eyes growing wide and shimmering. "That's not true!" he told his stripped brother before turning to his mom with an almost begging facial scrunch. "It's not, r-right mom?"

Good Lord, the look that came over Kanga's face, that motherly expression of unconditional love, Christopher had to clutch at his chest. "Of course not, Roo," she said, giggling when Tigger instantly bounced back to life with a joyful roar.

Rabbit didn't seem to share the same sentiment and rolled his eyes. "Always gotta appease the ADHD tiger, always, always, always…."

"Now, now, we appease you by slogging down that mush you call carrot soup," Owl said regally.

"I beg your feathery pardon, Owl?"

All it took was Kanga clearing her throat to bring silence. "Rabbit, your goulash is delicious, Owl, quit teasing Rabbit, you know he's sensitive—about everything—and as for you two," she said, bending over to wrap her arms around around Tigger and Roo in a hug, "you've got half an hour left so I suggest you make the most of it."

"Of course, Mrs. Kanga!"

"Got it, mom!"

It was only when the heat in Christopher's face reached an apex did a drop of blood escape his left nostril and he instantly brought up both hands, leaving just his eyes visible, because what he saw he wanted to make sure was burned into his memory forever. With her tail held high, when Kanga bent over to deliver her hugs, Christopher's gaze was automatically drawn to her outrageously thick rear-end. He didn't know exactly what it was about Kanga's booty that he found so enticing—maybe how round it was, or how it bounced and wobbled as she shifted around—but it quickly blotted out everything he had ever worried about. Her cheeks were threatening to consume the bottoms that were doing a truly admirable job at keeping them contained, but that deep crevasse in the middle, that line that his eyes were tracing with an almost hungry intensity….

"It almost looks like she has a wedgie, doesn't it?" Pooh asked from somewhere at his side and his voice sounded miles away, tossed down a long tunnel.

Still, Christopher gave a robotic nod.

"Hmmm, go pull it out with your teeth, Christopher," Pooh suggested.

"Thaaaat's"—Christopher swallowed hard—"uh-uh, nope... that's an even worse idea than what you said earlier."

"Oh bother, is it, really?" Plopping back down, Pooh heaved a tired sigh, really wishing he had another honey nut crunch bar. "But she's clearly doing it on purpose."

Christopher was all too ready to refute the bear's ridiculous claim—because why would sweet, sensible Kanga do that?—but the moment he opened his mouth, a very noticeable sway took hold of Kanga's child-bearing hips, rocking them back and forth in a hypnotic fashion that both silenced Christopher and caused his jaw to drop.

No way….

He didn't miss when she glanced over her shoulder, gracing him with a smile that was simultaneously maternal and coquettish. His heart stuttered. "You'll be joining us in the water, won't you, Christopher?" she asked.

Like he had a choice in the matter. "Y-yes, ma'am."

"Good boy."

Pooh sighed, rubbing his paunchy stomach. "Hmmm…."

A/N: #yearoftheoneshot