A/N: This is old and terrible so why not publish it.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you're silently fuming as you watch fucking Casper put his disgusting ass hands all over his boyfriend two lunch tables away from your secluded booth; aka your best friend Dave Strider, whom you've been in love with for nearly three goddamn years now.

Dave and you have been friends for nearly your entire lives, and you've both taken on the habit of taking care of one another. You're the only person to date besides his big brother and his boyfriend who has seen his eyes. And he's the only one who really knew how to quell your crippling depressions and immense self-hatred. Sometimes you worry it's too much for him to handle, but he always assures you that it's okay. When he started dating Casper a month and a half ago, you had tried to be enthusiastic for his sake. He didn't know that you had these disgusting feelings for him, or that every time you saw Casper and him together, your heart broke a little. The two of you used to do everything together, and you had slept in the same house together more often than not. You had loved it. You had been luckiest goddamn troll in the universe to have Dave. But now you can't help but feel like you're losing him.

Casper Dixley did not like you. For all his good looks and easy smiles, he was the biggest dick in the school and everyone knew it. Except for Dave apparently. Casper was jealous of your closeness with Dave from the beginning and had told you several times to back off. You of course, had simply told him to fuck off, and never listened. But lately, Casper had done everything in his power to monopolize Dave's time. Dave and you hadn't had a real conversation out of brief hellos and goodbyes in a little over a week, and you were beginning to get an achy, twisted feeling in your stomach whenever you saw him. Not to mention, Casper has somehow gotten ahold of your number, and has been messaging you dumb shit all week. Pictures of him and Dave together, rude ass comments, and underhanded jabs at your already crumbling self confidence. Lovely.

You're startled out of your brooding when a hand waves in front of your face and someone calls your name. You immediately scowl and lift your face up to cuss out whoever's disturbing you. Except the words stick in your throat when your recognize Dave's amused face hovering above yours. "You'll get wrinkles if you keep glaring like that Karkles~" he says while he pokes the spot between your eyebrows.

You give him a half hearted glare as he sits next to you, too busy ogling him to make a real effort. Smooth, pale skin, light freckles dusting his face, pink perfect lips- you shake your head to clear it and internally berate yourself. Fucking dumbass, you know he has a boyfriend. "Fuck off Dave, shouldn't you be off sucking your boyfriend's tongue or some shit?" You snap at him. You don't mean to be so bitter, but you've missed the fuck out of him. There's been no one to eat lunch with for a while now.

His eyebrows pucker into a frown and his lips purse together. Great, now you've upset him. What a good friend you are. "Yeah.. about that. I'm sorry I haven't been around as much lately. I'm really not meaning to, I'm just excited about the whole relationship thing, you know?" He gestures with his hands and sighs frustratedly.

You can tell he feels guilty about it and that just makes you feel worse. It's not his fault you're so fucking bitter and alone. Of course Dave found someone, he was the best person you knew. You should be happy and supporting him, not dragging him down like a worthless, shit friend. You force a small smile for him and keep your voice light as you respond, "It's cool and shit, I get it. Fucking relationships and all that jazz."

Dave seems a little relieved, and suddenly the bell signaling the end of lunch goes off. You both start grabbing your shit and you stand up, fully intending to just say goodbye to Dave and take off. But before you can, you feel a warm pair of arms circle you in a tight hug. You flush slightly as your brain realizes that yes, this is Dave, and yes, he's hugging the shit out of you. You relax and squeeze him back. "Thanks for being so understanding about this shit Karkat." He murmurs as he pulls away.

You cough slightly and rub the back of your neck. "Yeah yeah, what the fuck ever Stri-Douche." You say with a little grin.

Dave smirks and ruffles your hair before waving and walking off to his class. You feel like a little balloon of happiness is rising in your chest as you turn to leave the cafeteria. But it pops the instant you see Casper glaring at you from a corner of the cafeteria. He saw everything. Just fucking great.

Casper has short brown hair that's always styled in some sort of fuck boy way. He has large, innocent brown eyes that shine whenever he laughs. You won't deny that he's a handsome guy. You will deny that he's a decent fucking human being. Currently, you're being cornered by him after school about the scene during lunch. "Fuck off you asshole, I just want to go to my goddamn car and drive my happy ass home! Move!" You shout as you once again futilely push against his taller frame.

Casper sneers, and shoves you back into the wall after you push against him. You glare heatedly, hands balling into fists. You're not afraid to punch Dave's boyfriend if it comes to it. "Listen Karkat, I told you to stay the fuck away from Dave. You're not his fucking friend anymore." He snaps out.

You roll your eyes and slouch against the wall behind you. "Sure sure, fuck off will you?" You say with an exaggerated yawn.

Casper smiles nastily and crosses his arms in front of his chest. "Oh, but don't you want to know why he hasn't been talking to you lately, hmmm?~" he asks in a coy tone.

Your face must be betray your curiosity and confusion, because he continues speaking before you can respond. "He's sick of you Karkat. He's tired of having to listen to all your annoying depression and low self esteem bullshit. All you're ever doing is dragging him down! He's constantly complaining to me about how irritating it is. Don't you get it? Dave doesn't fucking like you anymore, but he's too nice to say it."

Your breath freezes in your lungs and a stab of pain rips through your chest. You don't believe it. You don't. And yet… that was your greatest fear wasn't it? That Dave would tire of you and your problems. Was Casper really..

Casper smirked before shoving you back against the wall and starting down the hallway. "I won't be seeing you later Vantas!" He called back to you.

You continue to stand there, frozen and fearful. You open your mouth and step forward to shout back at him that he's wrong, that Dave promised you. But you falter in your movements and the words never reach your lips. What if he's right? What if Dave really didn't want to be around you anymore? Hurt bubbles up in your heart and you bite your lip as Casper leaves the building through the double doors at the end of the hall. If Dave wanted you to leave him alone, that's what you were going to do. Even if it fucking hurt.

When you get back to your empty apartment, you toss your backpack on the floor in the living room and immediately crash onto your bed. Sometimes living alone was amazing; no fuckasses to bother you. But right now you'd trade your left arm for someone to talk to. That isn't Dave of course. Your phone pings again, but you ignore it. It's been going off ever since you left the school, but it's probably Dave pretending to be your friend again. You sniffle quietly and bury your face in one of the many pillows on your bed. A sob catches in your throat and fuck it all, you're full on crying now.

You drag the grey blankets balled up on the floor onto the bed and over yourself. You curl up beneath them and let the familiar smell and feel calm you slightly as more tears drip down your face. Dave didn't want you anymore. You chased off your best fucking friend and it's all your goddamn fault. You scream into your pillow and shake violently as memories crash down on you. Dave and you playing video games at his house. Dave and you walking to school together every day for a week when he was feeling lonely. Dave holding you while you had an asthma attack, pressing the inhaler to your mouth. Dave and you playing on the swings together. Dave and you meeting for the first time in kindergarten. You aren't good enough for him. You never were.

You lay there for a while, letting the ringing silence of the apartment and warmth of the blankets slowly help you stop crying. When you're finally done, you poke your head out of the blanket and blink tiredly at the clock on the wall across from you. You cried for nearly half an hour. Fuck. You take in and release a deep breath before throwing the blankets to the other side of the bed and sitting up. You rub your eyes with the palms of your hands and swing your legs over the side of the bed. You still feel achy and shaky inside and you don't like it. You feel vulnerable, but somehow unattached to any and all of the shit going on around you.

You reach down with trembling hands for the black shoe box under your bed and set it next to you on the blankets. Dave missed these when he went through your room and took all of your razors last year. You haven't touched them in fucking forever, but when you pull the gleaming metal out of the box, it's like no time has passed since you were bleeding on your bathroom floor nearly a year ago. You force your hands to stop shaking before you carefully roll up your sleeves and press the sharp edge against your scarred skin. Don't want to be slicing open your fucking arteries because you can't hold the damn razor still. You inhale deeply before pressing against the grey skin harder, and a stinging pain erupts in your forearm. You scrunch up your face as bright blood drips onto the floor. The hurt in your chest loosens some, and you take your first relaxed breath in hours. Better. You lift the razor up and go again, and then again after that, when a sharp knock echoes through your apartment. Fuck. You hear the lock turn and the door open. Double fuck. The only person with the spare key to your apartment is Dave.

You throw the razor back into its box and haphazardly kick it under the bed as you jump up. You rush towards your bedroom door and lock it, running into the bathroom to find something to stop the bleeding from your arm. You throw open one of the drawers and flinch when Dave's voice calls out for you. Out of time. You yank out an old bandage you used once to wrap up your sprained ankle. Not ideal, but it'll work. You curse loudly at the rattling doorknob behind you. Dave was trying to get into your room. "Give me a fucking second, I'm naked for fuck's sake!" You call out angrily.

You quickly wrap the bandage around the cuts, wincing slightly at the dull burn that springs up. You grab a dirty towel off the floor and speed back into your room, throwing it over the small pool of blood under the edge of your bed. The doorknob rattles again and Dave's concerned voice can be heard through the door; "Karkat? What're you doing in there? Let me in!"

You growl quietly and glance over yourself briefly; no blood, good. You finally stride over and unlock the door, pulling it open to reveal a worried Dave. "Oh my fucking god, can't a person sleep naked in fucking peace!" You snap at him with a glare.

Dave raises his eyebrows at you and enters the room as you hold the door open for him. "That definitely didn't sound like you were waking up and getting dressed Karkat." He said, worry still coloring his tone.

You roll your eyes and plop down on your bed, unconsciously rubbing and pulling at your stinging wrist with your opposite hand. "Fuck you, you're half deaf then."

Dave chuckles slightly and sits down next to you before his eyes travel to the nervous movement of your hands. You immediately stop messing with your arm, but it's too late. Damn it all. You used to be so good at hiding this, but now, you're out of practice. "Karkat.." he says in a slow and gentle voice, "why are you rubbing at your arm? You only do that when you've been hurting yourself."

You grunt and look away, refusing to answer. You're a horrible liar at the best of times, nevermind lying to Dave. His eyes sweep the room, taking in the dark towel on the floor, and the bathroom in disarray. Gentle hands tug your wrist towards him and you continue to look away, gritting your teeth when tears start to build up in your eyes. You're such a fucking moron, of course Dave would find out, he can read you like an open book. And now you've probably irritated and pissed him off again like Casper said.

You feel Dave's warm fingers brush under your sweater sleeve and lightly touch the bandage there. You flinch and squeeze your eyes tightly shut. Your chest collapses like it's being slowly crushed by a boa constrictor when he pushes the sleeve up all way up, revealing what you're sure is a now bloody bandage. Dave stays quiet, and you finally pry open your eyes to look at him, wondering why he hasn't started yelling at you yet. He's crying. You made him cry.

Before you can get a word out to defend yourself, he pulls you into a bone-crushing hug and buries his face in your hair. You reluctantly allow yourself to relax in his hold and sigh shakily, wrapping your arms around him nearly as tightly. No, no, no goddammit! You shouldn't be fucking crying, you already cried all you fucking could less than ten goddamn minutes ago! But apparently that doesn't matter, because more pale red tears are pouring out of your eyes onto Dave's shirt now.

"Karkat.." he starts, and you flinch at the struggle and thickness in just that one word, "You promised me you wouldn't do this anymore.."

And for a moment, you almost believe that he cares. You almost let yourself completely break down in his arms and be comforted. But Casper's words still linger in your ears. Dave didn't really care, he was just going through the motions. And you can't even be angry at him for it. You're sick of your own bullshit at this point too. So you pull away from him and scoot backward on the bed, curling into yourself and hugging your knees to your chest tightly. "Karkat?" He asks, voice filled with fake worry.

You shake your head and try to speak. "D-Dave.." when did your throat get so clogged with tears? You clear it and try again. "Dave.. you don't have to.." your voice breaks but you keep going, "you don't have to fucking pretend, alright..? I know you don't really care, Casper told me fucking everything.." you trail off and glance up at him, once again picking at the still stinging cuts on your arm. All your emotions are trickling out at this point, leaving only exhaustion behind. You're so tired.

You're startled to see his expression morph into one of confusion and anger. Well, you certainly weren't expecting that. "He said.. what?" Dave asked slowly.

You shrug and stare down at the grey blankets beneath you. "Just the truth.. that you're sick of me and and you hate me for all the bullshit I put you through with my depression and other fuckery.." Silence reigns in the room momentarily after you finish. You peek up at Dave and see his face soften considerably, filling with something you don't recognize. You jerk your gaze back down at the bed when he starts coming closer to you. His hand reaches out and gently pulls your chin up to face him. You stubbornly refuse to look at his face, instead focusing on the fascinating wall behind him. "Karkat, look at me." He says firmly and you catch a flash of black from the corner of your eyes.

You sigh through your nose and glance back at him, jaw dropping slightly when you finally focus on his face. His shades are off. You stare, awestruck as usual, at his eyes. Red. Not like the shitty candy red you have, but pure, deep red. Dave must be really serious about whatever's coming next. He never took off his shades. "I will never get sick of you, do you understand? You're my best friend. Your problems aren't bullshit, and I'll never hate you for them. Ever." He says forcefully.

You want to believe him. Oh, how much you wanted to fucking believe him. But did you?

Yes, you decide while you search his eyes, you do. You sniffle and pull away from his hold on your chin, rubbing away the new tears forming in your eyes. You look up at him with blurry vision and smile shakily. "W-Well aren't I fucking stupid then?" You murmur quietly.

Dave hugs you close again and shakes his head. "You're not stupid Karkles." He says with a small frown.

You manage to calm down slightly, but you can't stop yourself from staring up at his eyes in wonder every few seconds. They were just so goddamn stunning. Dave reaches for his shades with the arm that isn't holding you, but you tug his hand away from them. You want to enjoy staring at him for a little longer. Your eyes roam over his face, pausing when they arrive at his mouth. You wonder how many times he's kissed Casper. You're suddenly glad Dave and you gave each other your first kisses when you were twelve. You got there first, take that Casper, you fucking dick. You can still remember how Dave tasted faintly of apples at the time. You don't even realize you're leaning forward until your lips touch something soft and warm. Dave. You're kissing Dave. Dave who is sitting there not responding. Dave who has a FUCKING BOYFRIEND. Dave who most certainly hates you now. Well fuck you on a stick.

You yank back with wide eyes and backpedal away from him. A string of curses leaves your mouth as you try to explain why in the everloving FUCK you would do that. "Shit fuck, goddammit that was an accident, I'm fucking retarded I'm so fucking sorry! I didn't mean-" Oh. There was something on your face. Dave again. Except this time, he was the one who was kissing you.

You're pretty sure your brain just blew a fucking fuse somewhere but you don't care, you couldn't give less fucks, you're kissing Dave Strider and vaguely you wonder if this is what it's like to be high. Your shaking hands cup his face and his warm hands find their way to the small of your back. He's warm, and soft, and appley, and more than you ever fucking imagined. You love it. You finally pull back, cheeks flushed and breath uneven. Dave appears to be in a similar state and you chew on your bottom lip nervously. He looks so cute like this, all red and wide eyed and open. You love him. So, you really can't help the words that fly out of your mouth next. "I love you.."

Instant regret. You're a fucking moron. You slap your hand over your mouth and internally beat the shit out of yourself. What the fuck did you have to go and say dumb shit like that for? Dave loved Casper, not you. That's why he was dating him. You wait for him to get angry or upset at you, or even leave, but he doesn't do any of that. Instead, his face lights up like the fucking sun and his eyes shine. What..? He chuckles quietly, brushing under his eyes, and you're horribly dismayed to see a few tears. Oh you've fucked up bad this time. You crawl forward and swipe at his tears fiercely, words tumbling over themselves as you try and get an apology out.

Dave's hands come up and catch your wrists lightly and you pause, meeting his eyes. They're still teary, causing you to flinch slightly. You made him cry. But his next words completely blow you away. "Seems like I love you too Karkles." Dave croaks with another watery chuckle. You stare at him in blank shock. Dave. Loves you? There's no way. You don't believe it. But then he presses another kiss to your lips and holy fuck it has to be true.

Next thing you know, you're laughing and crying into his chest while he squeezes you tight, because holy fucking shit Dave loves you back. Your wrist is still stinging a little, but you don't care. You distantly hear your phone go off several times but you don't care enough to check it. Dave's hands run through your hair and an involuntary purr escapes you as you nuzzle into his chest more. It does eventually get annoying as hell though, so you growl and pull away from Dave to dig your phone out of your pockets. You hear Dave laugh quietly and you flip him off, before unlocking your phone. Your stomach churns. It's Casper.

'Vantas, are you with my fucking boyfriend?'

'You motherfucker, you're so fucking stupid, he hates you, you know."

"Goddammit Vantas, I swear to fucking God if you're with him, I'll beat your worthless ass into the fucking ground!"

Somebody's angry. You blink rapidly to get rid of the tears pooling in your eyes and try to push down the nasty feelings rising in your chest. You don't care what he says. You don't. He doesn't matter. You're brought back to the present moment when Dave speaks up. "Karkat..?" He asks confusedly, "what's wrong? Who's messaging you?"

You shake your head and try to rub away the stupid fucking tears before they can fall. "It's n-nothing, fuck, it's just stupid bullshit alright, don't even fuckn worry about it.."

Dave frowned, pursing his lips together, and held out a hand towards you. "If you don't want to say it, can I look at it.. please?" He questioned gently.

You chew on the inside of your cheek nervously. Nearly fucking everything inside of you right now is screaming not to give it to him, because what if he laughs, or agrees with Casper? You don't think you'll be able to handle that. You'd break down. But would Dave really do that? You don't fucking know. You'd hope not.. fuck it. You hesitantly place the phone in Dave's hand and pick at the fabric of your gray sweatpants while he looks at the messages. He inhales sharply and you see him start to scroll through the past messages from Casper too. Did you make the right decision? You hope so.

You watch as Dave sets the phone down on the bed and curls both his hands into tight fists. "Dave?" You ask worriedly. He's taut as a wire, what the hell?

He tackles you to the bed and you gasp and flail at the sudden movement. You slowly wrap your arms around him in return, biting your lip when you feel him shaking slightly. Did you make him cry again? "He's been acting like a fucking dick to you this whole time Karkat.." you hear him grind out angrily. "And you just kept supporting me.." he says, his voice breaking a little.

You shrug helplessly and nervously play with the back of his shirt. "I didn't want to fuck up your one chance at a relationship Dave. What kind of shitty best friend would I be then?" You mutter into his shoulder.

Dave laugh has a hollow ring to it, and he shakes his head. "I settled for him. I was in love with you, but I didn't think that you actually loved me or shit.. and then Casper was interested in me so I just.. took the opportunity and hoped I'd grow to actually love him.."

You close your eyes and let his words sink in. You. Are a fucking idiot. And even worse, what he just said makes you feel a little happy. For fuck's sake, how did you end up with someone so damn amazing loving /you/ of all people? "I'm sorry.." You say meekly.

Dave simply shushes you and kisses your cheek. You go quiet and for a few minutes, you both sit in silence. You start to feel drowsy, lying there all warm and comfortable and shit. You sigh happily and curl up against him, hiding your face in his chest. Dave's hold on you tightens and his fingers carefully brush through the mess of curls on top of your head. You hum appreciatively and completely relax in his arms. You close your eyes and let out a content breath before slowly drifting off into sleep.

You wake with a start, limbs flailing out around you as you feel an intruder try and get into your bed. You hit something soft and said something groans loudly. You peel your eyes open and look towards the noise blearily. Dave stands by the edge of your bed with an amused look and his hand rubbing a spot on his chest. "For someone so tiny, you sure do pack a punch." He says as he climbs into bed with you, snickering.

You grumble and half heartedly shove his shoulder before snuggling into him. "Fuck you, you're tiny, I'm tall as hell.." your words are still slurred by sleep as you fight to stay awake.

You notice your wrist is feeling a lot better and peer at it through half open eyes. It looks like Dave wrapped it up properly for you. A jolt of warmth shoots through you and you stretch up, sloppily planting a kiss on his lips. You blush a little, but force yourself not to let go and hide your face. Dave laughs again and kisses your forehead. You close your eyes, intending to fall back asleep, when you realize something you hadn't noticed before. "Dave where'd you go.." you murmur.

His hands rub small circles into your back and he sighs heavily. "I went to breakup with Casper. And then he started throwing a bitch fit so.. I had to knock him around a little." Dave sounds embarrassed when he responds and your eyebrows raise as you look up at him.

You pull one of his hands over and inspect his knuckles with a scowl. They're bruised and there's blood on a few of them. "Idiot." You insult fondly.

You kiss the bruises on his knuckles and roll your eyes when he laughs. "I'll cut your tongue out if you keep fucking laughing at me Dave." You snap at him, though it doesn't have any heat to it.

Dave holds up his hands in surrender, then ruffles your hair. "My ferocious little Karkitty."

"Oh my fucking god I will HURT YOU."

"Sure sure~"

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you're going to have a helluva good time with your boyfriend for as long as you love each other. So probably fucking forever like a pair of goddamn saps. You've never been happier.