Oblivionious
by Paul Midnight
Part I: Fan Service
"By Azura! By Azura! By Azura! It's the Grand Champion! I can't believe it's you! Standing here, next to… me!" I couldn't help myself, he was everything I imagined he would be and far more; more powerful than a Minotaur, faster than a running black horse, able to leap a chapel in a single bound! It was Dragonheart himself! I felt my own heart fluttering and my hands began to sweat, I couldn't decide whether or not I should hug him or fall to his feet! Oh, he was glorious in his red and white raiment, so much nobler than the Gray Prince. He smiled at me! Oh Azura I could have just died!
"Hey kid." His strong imperial accent rumbled warmly.
"Yes, oh great and mighty Grand Champion? Is there something you need? Can I carry your weapon? Shine your boots? Backrub, perhaps?" he paused, furrowing his noble brow; oh what, deep and brooding thoughts did that immaculate forehead hold?
"…wait, did you say something?"
"Wow! You're the grand champion! I saw your fight with the Gray Prince! You're the best! Can I... can I follow you around? I won't get in the way!" I repeated to the very letter, I was thrilled! He remembered me!
"Oh… huh. You really want to follow me, kid? The roads are pretty dangerous after all, I don't think it would be best for…" he gave me a searching look from head to toe, I could feel his battle prowess summing me up! Oh the amazement! "…someone equipped with a dark green shirt, green felt linens, and a pair of huntsman moccasins."
Oh but Dragonheart I come prepared, I have this steel dagger, a torch and three gold coins! I'm ready for anything! I cried… inside. Who was I to tell the great Dragonheart about worthiness? He narrowed his dark brown eyes at me, his long brown pony tail flowing in the wind majestically, oh I could just look at him!
"Sure Kid, let's go." He shrugged.
Azura I must be dreaming! "Golly, you're the best! I'm going to follow you and watch you and worship the ground you walk on! Let's… go!" I sighed falling right in line behind him. He smirked at me handsomely and then we were off, oh the speed of his great thighs and the power of his calves, he could kick a Brown bear over! I could not believe my luck, it was, the greatest moment of my life!
We traveled for a while, running through the city where he then exited outside along the road past the stables and down to the large bridge, and there we were crossing the great bridge, together! We made to the other side and we passed a sentry, I made sure to smile at him to show everyone I was traveling with the Grand Champion! We moved down by the water to cut across the bea- OH SWEET AZURA A MUDCRAB! "HELP! MURDER!" The vicious beast leapt at me with gleaming terrible claws and beady little eyes filled with hate, I'm afraid I… I ran, leaving my beloved hero to face the pinching horror himself! Oh horrid day! Oh the shame! I heard a squish and turned to see Dragonheart looking at me with his hands on his hips. I-I, I was so ashamed I couldn't speak, so I walked back over to him quietly, but to show him I wasn't scared of him I smiled bravely up at him. He raised a single brown eyebrow, and then turned diving directly into the slaughterifsh infested waters!
I was so shocked I-I didn't call out to him, but then I saw him swimming to the opposite side and I knew it must have been a test! Yes! A test of my courage and worthiness to follow him! Why, without a word more I dived in right after him. I swam quickly, down to the bottom, then back up, and down again. He stayed below near the bottom the entire time, his powerful arms pumping! Oh the grace! We made it to the waterfront without trouble; I was worn out completely, but he didn't even break stride as he continued up to a row of dingy houses where the poor and villainous beggars resided remained. A strange red Argonian in a hunter's vest eyed me like a piece of meat, but I only smiled at him! I wouldn't fail this test, no! I would show Dragonheart I could brave the slums, oh yes! Suddenly he went inside one of the shacks and I quickly followed. Inside was cozy enough, perhaps he was taking care of a sick widow?
That would be just like him! Dragonheart, truly dragon hearted! To care for the poor even when he had such riches and fame as the Grand champion! He knelt down to the chest and removed his raiment! Oh his golden bronze completion glowed in the soft candle light, and his muscles shown strong and ripped like a statue! He was rifling through the chest when he pulled out a belted vest, black wide pants, and a pair of blue suede shoes. I was confused, what could he possibly want with such low class item when he had such a fine raiment, I wondered if he was going to donate these items to the poor perhaps, but then he put them on! Azura! The Grand champion in low class clothes? Was this shack really his? It couldn't be! I was about to despair but then it hit me, of course the Grand Champion would dress this way and live here! He was a hero, he was showing solidarity with all the people of Cyrodiil! Oh such nobility! I smiled brightly as he turned to me.
"Yes, oh great and mighty Gr-" I began to say but he stopped me;
"What's your size, Kid?" he said; straight to the point, he was a marvel! But by Azura I couldn't figure out what he meant in the slightest, I couldn't help but stare at him, uncertain what to say. "Yeah, you know cloth- oh never mind, it'll fit anyway. What's your favorite color?" He held before him a collection of hoods, one blue, green, red, and last black. Was he going to give me a gift? I stood there with my mouth hanging open, dumb to the world. The Grand Champion was going to give me a gift! I-I couldn't accept it! The honor was just… too great! We stood in silence for a while with him staring at me staring at him staring at me staring at him, when finally he put the red and black hood away. "Okay look, blue or green, yer wearing green but it's kind of off, so do you want blue? It'll make you easier to spot in the dark." He added. Oh how thoughtful!
Still I couldn't form words, cursed lips! But he held up the green and blue, thinking carefully, oh what I wouldn't have given to say to him that green was my favorite color, but that green was a little silly… but dare I contradict the Grand Champion! "Eh, we'll go with the standard green hood, which is, oh look, brown." he said. Oh what a sense of humor! He had me going there for a while, oh ho ho! But still! He held out the hood to me with his own hands, the hands of the Grand Champion which were the weapons that smashed the face of the Gray Prince! I stared at it. He stared at me staring at it. I couldn't bring myself to take it and touch those mighty hands! Oh Azura it was too much, finally he simply told me to hold still.
"Here? Right here? What about, say... over there? No? Right here? All right then, you're the Grand Champion! Whatever you say!" I babbled, oh the humiliation! Contradicting him! Second guessing him! Oh Azura send me to oblivion for ever and ever for my base tongue! He moved behind me, I turned to follow him, he gave me a dull look. Was he upset with me? Oh the horror, the horror! Then he crouched down, and snuck behind me again! I… I… what was I to do? I stood stock still, he was, sneaking behind me! I couldn't hear his steps, or even see him, oh his stealth was amazing, though I knew he was behind me, I didn- suddenly something filled my pocket. I gasped, There was the brown hood in my pants! Oh glory to Azura! How did they-? Oh! But it must be a gift from the gods! Yes! They who have swept down and placed this gift from the Grand Champion so I would not have to bear humiliating him! I swiftly shoved the comfortable hood upon my head, not caring if I hid my outstanding hair cut my mother had done for me!
Suddenly the Grand Champion appeared from nowhere right in front of me. "Ready Kid?" he said.
"Golly, you're the best! I'm going to follow you and watch you and worship the ground you walk on! Let's go!" I said happily, only later realizing I had already said that exact same thing, curse my paintographic memory! Then we were off swimming back through the slaughterfish infested waters and across the land. I was afraid at first because we strayed from the road and we were always told to stay on the road, but we went completely unbothered, it must have been the Grand Champions fearful aura that scared the dangers away, yes! He was so powerful his very presence kept the creatures of the woods at bay! My heart was beating fast from all the running, but I didn't complain, no, I wouldn't utter a peep- not in front of Dragonheart! I was exhilarated to follow him, but couldn't help feel a little easier as we neared the road again. This was much safer tha- OH AZURA AN OGRE! "BY THE GODS!" I cried and… I had to flee! I had to! But couldn't, not in time, no! No! Noooo!
The Ogre struck me with a terrible blow and I was soaring through the air, I landed on the ground, stunned, I couldn't move! Oh every bone in my body had to be broken, I just knew it! Oh I just knew it! But… for some reason I felt perfectly fine. It was as if… I had on armor or something! By the nine it must have been the gods! Oh I stood up and found nothing was broken what so ever, oh happy day! But wait, the Ogre was still coming at me! "GUARDS HELP! THERE'S A PSYCHOPATH ON THE LOOSE!" I cried, running for my life, suddenly the Ogre flew past me after a triumphant scream from Dragonheart! The Ogre flopped across the ground like a wet sack! Oh and he then unleashed a fireball which exploded not two feet from me! I could feel the heat from it, and then, oh! The Ogre flew away even more! Dragonheart ran forward and fired again, the Ogre bounced away like he was made of paper! It was astounding!
He turned to me, "You okay kid?" I simply melted!
"Yes, oh great and mighty Grand Champion!" I said then quickly silenced though my lips kept moving, I didn't want to repeat myself, not again! He stared at me for a moment and nodded.
"Look Kid, you're going to have to hold your own if you want to survive around here, so, take this." Then from nowhere he pulled a daedric two handed sword! By Azura the massive black and red blade looked like it was pulled from Oblivion itself! And he was giving it to me! I stared at it opened mouthed, unable to move, unable to speak! Unable to breathe! He stared at me staring at him staring at me staring at him for a while then sighed and crouched again, an- Azura! He stuffed the sword into my hands! I gasped! His generosity knew no bounds, oh the sheer glee! I was all ready to bend down and kiss his blue sue-
"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!" a nearby guard screamed, running over to us. I was so startled I nearly dropped my sword! "Stop, you have violated the law! You must pay the court fine or serve your sentence. Your stolen goods are now forfeit!" Surely there must have been some mistake, Dragonheart only bent down to hand me the sword! It couldn't have been stolen, no one sells daedric artifacts like this!
"What? I just- You were-!" Dragonheart said looking around.
"THEN PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD!" BY AZURA HE ATTACKED DRAGONHEART! Oh no! The guard was swinging, Dragonheart was blocking!
"BLASTED AI!" Dragonheart cried, trying to defend himself, oh the horror! Oh the blood! Oh the clash of metal against metal!
"BY THE GOD'S THERE'S A PSYCHOPATH ON THE LOOSE!" the guard screamed, oh Azura save me he was a monster! "PAY THE FINE!"
He swung at Dragonheart, Dragonheart blocked and countered, oh no! Don't attack the guard Dragonheart even if he is insane he is still the law! They swung, a left, and a right, an uppercut, a push back, oh Azura what do I do? What do I do! Suddenly Dragonheart struck him with a strange spiral green energy and the guard fell over like he was made of stone! Then he turned and fled! Oh good job Dragonheart, now you won'- OH AZURA A MINOTAUR! "HELP! MURDER!" the minotaur was attacking the fallen guard! What do I do? What do I do? Dragonheart came running back!
"BLASTED AI!" he shouted again, was it his battle cry? He struck the Minotaur with his bare fists, oh no Dragonheart don't he'll squash you! but the Minotaur recoiled! That's the Grand Champion for you! Ah! The guard was recovering, now he and Dragonheart coul-AZURA HE ATTACKED DRAGONHEART AGAIN! But why! Oh why! The minotaur is attacking him, but he won't stop hitting Dragonheart! Oh Azura save me! "BLASTED AI!"
"HELP! MURDER!"
"PAY THE FINE!"
"GRRROONNK!"
The minotaur was tearing through the legionnaires armor, Oh and the guard's sword hit Dragonheart again and again! It was madness ma- OH AZURA A TROLL TOO! What should I do! What should I do Azura! Dragonheart was surrounded and the guard was near death I- suddenly Dragonheart blasted all three around him with the same spiral of energy, they all flopped over paralyzed, but more importantly he hit me with a spell, and! Why! I felt invigorated! I felt myself grow stronger! Why I felt! I felt! Rallied! Hefting my sword I struck at the troll!
"HA HA!" I shouted cutting into the foul beast again and again as Dragonheart hit the Minotaur with a bolt of lightning, fire, and ice all at the same time! I swung, and swung, "RAH!" I screamed hitting the troll who kicked at the guard. Dragonheart hit them all again with the paralyzing green spell and they fell over, then I struck again! And again! Azura I was a hero, strong and powerful! I swung and swung at that troll! Then suddenly Dragonheart unleashed another spell I had never seen before, it sent the minotaur flying back like a rag doll! Oh glory it was amazing! The troll collapsed beneath my blade! Ah ho, I was worthy to fight at Dragonheart's side yes! Ha ha! But the guard was still trying to kill him! What a fool, what could I do? Before I lifted my bloody blade though, Dragonheart vanished! He was gone! Oh no, the gods have taken him from us unworthy mortals! It was pure insanity! I cried falling to my knees!
"Where are you?" the guard said, the fool! Did he not realize Azura cursed us for our folly? To dare think we would be worthy of such a great man… I could almost weep! Finally the guard sheathed his sword and slowly walked back over the crest of the hill. Oh how would I live with myself after this? I- why I- suddenly Dragonheart reappeared right before me! I was filled with elation! I just couldn't take it!
"OH DRAGONHEART!" I cried. He looked at me in shocked and horror!
"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!" oh no! The guard was coming back! And his horse was running after us too! Sweet Azura save meeeee!
…
We arrived at the inn a few hours later, having fled for the guards life. I have no doubt Dragonheart could have killed him if he kept up his foolish nonsense. I'll never look at an Imperial guard the same way… We arrived in Chorral where we stopped in at a local eatery, the Oak and Crosier. Dragonheart was notably happier once we entered.
"Hey Tala." He smiled at the Khajiit behind the bar; funny I thought her name was Talasma.
"Hello Stranger," she said throatily; well I suppose all Khajiit speak throatily, she seemed to recognize him -who wouldn't? He was the great Dragonheart!- though, she called him stranger. "Come for a… meal?" she said strangely. My were Khajiit strange people! First she didn't know him, now she's was giving him a hug! But I guess that is the price of fame, maybe she only recognized him up close. I stood at the bar next to Dragonheart as they talked in a low whisper, Dragonheart bought me a SweetRoll! Oh was there no end to his kindness? I gulped it down and was about to thank him when suddenly an Argonian gasped from the doorway.
"My hero!" she cried, then she ran over to Dragonheart and threw her scaly arms around his neck. Hmph! Fangirls. I couldn't help but pout as she hugged him; I also felt a bit embarrassed because she was making such a huge scene, everyone knows he's Dragonheart okay little girl? There's no need for such dramatics! Dragonheart being the good natured person he was returned the hug and kept his arm around her as he and the Khajiit continued to talk to each other. I was beginning to feel a bit jealous, after all, I was Dragonhearts' fan before he became Grand Champion you know. When suddenly someone struck up a conversation with me. We made a bit of small talk, but I really would have rather spoken to Dragonheart, curse my nervous tongue! We were having a pleasant discussion about the summerset isles when suddenly I felt a strong hand on y shoulder.
Dragonheart had touched me! Me! Oh Azura! My life was complete! Then I realized he was talking to me. "Here? Right here? What about, say... over there? No? Right here? All right then, you're the Grand Champion! Whatever you say!" I answered without thought, oh the elation! I was babbling again! I was mortified, but then Talasma told me which room was free and Dragonheart was leaving, with the Argonian fangirl! Ugh! Some fans have all the luck, being walked home by the generous Dragonheart! I wish I could have gone with him, but I knew my place. He had said to stay right here. So stay here I would even if the place burned down to the ground! Heh heh heh! The Dunmer beside me struck up a conversation with the Khajiit.
"You're not closing early are you? I have a very important contact to meet here and a pretty hostess would seal the deal!" he huffed importantly.
"My bar, I can close early whenever I want!" she said coldly, "You have rooms, just the bar will be closed, and this pretty hostess has another place to be!" she growled. Then before I knew it she was cleaning up! How strange, she even made sure to lock her valuables under the bed she kept behind the bar. Did she plan to stay gone all night or something?
"Hmph, Khajiit trollop." The Dunmer grumbled, I looked at him; who was he talking too? There was nobody there but me. I liked his hairdo but I wasn't interested in speaking to such a huffy person. "She'll be hailing the Champion of Cyrodiil, until morning…" I blinked at him. He caught my questioning look. "She'll close shut the jaws, if you know what I mean." He elbowed me in the ribs, I rubbed my side giving him my most perplexed look.
"What are you saying, sir?" I asked.
"That Imperial, Dar-Ma, and that Khajiit? They'll be over at Arborwatch all night… grinding potion components, if you know what I mean." I shook my head. "They'll be training Acrobatics; picking each other's pockets; polishing spears!" he said loudly in my face, I gave him a blank look and he grabbed my shoulders, "They'll be duplicating scrolls!" he shouted. I looked at him in shock and my brown hood nearly fell off! Unfortunately the hostess was still getting ready and heard his loud rant, she glared at him like a predator and- oh Azura I'd never seen a pale Dunmer before! He quickly turned tail and fled the room. I watched him go then looked back at the Khajiit, she smiled at me kindly.
"Pay no attention to him…" she said flipping her tail and perking her ears. "…we'll just be being doing a bit of hand to hand and Athletics." She purred and then winked at me. Without another word she sauntered out of the bar; the guardsman standing to the side burst out laughing when she was gone.
"Oh that crazy Champion!" he laughed.
"Don't insult Dragonheart! I would follow him to Oblivion and back, through thick and thin, I will be at his side, fighting by his side no matter where the wild winds of fortune may blow us! No matter what adventure may await us! No matter what danger lurks around the corner, I will be there with him! …sir!" I said firmly, I really stood up for him! My father, rest his soul, would be proud!
"No offense my good Bosmer, if you follow him, then you'll realize there is more truth to my words than you know." He wiped a tear from his eyes, looking so high and mighty with his silver double handed long sword. Why, mine was Daedric! "Especially tomorrow."
"Why what happens tomorrow?" I asked him curiously, though still angry at his impertinence when it came to addressing the Grand champion.
"Oh? Didn't you hear? A strange door appeared in the waters off Bravil. An eerier voice has been calling for a Champion and he's the Champion of Cyrodiil you know, so he's said he'll go and find out what's happening on the other side… a strange place." He looked worried. My jaw nearly dropped, Dragonheart was the one who stopped the Oblivion invasion? How could I have not known! Oh I was so ashamed of my lack of trivia knowledge I almost didn't hear the last words of the guard… "Yeah, they call it the Shivering Isle, realm of the Daedric Prince, Sheogorath." Oh Azura!