The winter's wind was blowing through the window, assaulting my face at a full force. It was cold, but it was nice.
It reminded me that I was still alive.
I haven't been able to think straight at all lately.
Not after being kicked out by my mum, nearly being kicked out of uni, and my best friend nearly offing herself.
But I'm fine. I promise.
Why wouldn't I be fine?
After all, I'm Naomi fucking Campbell.
01 December, 2010
I don't know why I continue with this diary shit. I think I'm expecting that whole 'write and feel better' cliché to kick in. Even though I know it won't. It keeps me busy though, so I still appreciate it, I think.
Anyways.
I'm going to go visit Effy. I think she's getting out soon.
My entire life I've gone thinking that I didn't actually need anybody, they were just there. I was so fucking wrong. Since Effy's been taken, it's been just awful. Effy's been locked up for almost three months. She doesn't belong there.
She's not mental. She's just not perfect.
Our flat's gotten so lonely.
This is shit.
"Why the fuck do I keep that useless thing?" I said it so quietly, it was barely audible to even myself. It's torn and ripped, giving the appeal that it's been used for ages when really, it's only about a year old. The rips came from my own hands, trying to tear it apart in my anger and loneliness. I threw it aggressively atop my dresser while opening the drawers to change into some decent looking clothes.
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" I cried as my cell phone began blaring. I grabbed it quickly to read my manager's name on the screen. "Fuck. Now is not the time for this." I debated with myself over answering It and ignoring it. I quickly decided ignoring it was a better idea. I needed Effy right now, and I wasn't going to let some bullshit job pull me away from her, especially on my only day off this week.
On a typical day, the walk to the hospital only took about thirty minutes. On a fast day, twenty. On a slow day, it could take almost an hour.
Today was a slow day.
Walking at a casual pace, I thought about all of the things I would say to Effy when I got there. I wanted to know how she was. Where she was. What she needed. Even though I knew I wouldn't be able to provide her those needs, it helped me to know. I'd talk to the doctors as well. Begging them to release her. 'It's been long enough' I'd complain. 'She wouldn't do that again. Not when I'm here for her.' They would argue back that she was still 'unfit' for resuming a free and social life. And I would argue back that I knew better than them because she was my best fucking friend. That I didn't need a special little certificate to be able to tell when she was okay. I didn't need years of training, because I fucking knew her. I was her rock. They didn't know her. They just treated her as another average patient. While I know that she is far from average.
Because she is Effy fucking Stonem. My rock.
And I am Naomi fucking Campbell. Her rock.
When I got to the hospital, the nurse was already waiting for me. They've caught on. It's kind of great, actually. She silently led me to Effy's room, despite the probability that I could find it with my eyes closed. The door was slightly ajar, as it always was, and through the crack, I could see Effy sitting on her bed, staring through the window emotionlessly. It killed me to see her like this. Effy may have had a reputation as that girl who never gave a fuck. But she cared, about a lot of things. You just needed to find the right things. Give her the choice, and she could be the most passionate and animated person about things. I nodded my thanks towards the nurse, and tapped lightly on the door.
"You're late," She cooed, turning towards me with her signature smirk.
"I know," I shrugged. "But I'm here now, right?"
"Right." She nodded, content. "It's cold."
"It is," I agreed. "Here," I reached into my bag and pulled out a dark grey sweater. "I brought this for you." I handed her the sweater.
"You know me too well, Naomi." She tugged on the sweater. "It's kind of scary." She bundled into her favorite sweater and crossed her legs, Indian-style, giving me space to sit.
"Hm," I nodded in agreement. "I know you well enough to know that you shouldn't still be in this fucking place." She turned her gaze back to the window. "How've you been?"
"Good."
"Have the nurses mentioned anything about letting you out yet?"
She shrugged. "The other day, one of them agreed that I shouldn't be in here."
"It's a step, at least."
"I suppose. I have a session today with one of the doctors."
I rubbed her knee encouragingly. "Be good. Be strong, I need you out of here." She put her own hands on top of mine. "It's getting to be too much alone."
"I'll try."
I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I realized that the only time I was truly happy anymore was when I was in a hospital. Effy gave me a questioning look, but I simply smiled back at her, cherishing the happiness while I could. "Come on, let's go for our walk."
She obliged almost immediately, standing and intertwining our arms. "Yes, please. Let's go."
Our walk took us the same way as it usual did. We'd go down the hallway, and cut through the lobby to the stairs on the other side. We'd go to the top floor and walk around every hallway, peeking into every room. Not because we were nosey, but because we cared. Every person in there had a story, and though we didn't have time to listen, we still cared. We would look at them all to tell them that they weren't alone there. Slowly, we'd make our way down every floor. Every door we passed told a different story.
Our walks always ended the same as well. We'd walk into the courtyard and go around to the back, where there was a hill with a bench at the top. You could see the entirety of Bristol from the bench, and it was spectacular. There, we'd sit and talk about everything. Anything that came to our minds..
Our walks would take a few hours, which would usually be all the free time I had between work and classes. This time, when we got back to Effy's room, there was a woman garnered in nurse scrubs waiting outside of the door.
"Effy! There you are, your session started ten minutes ago!" The nurse looked frantic. "Where did you go?"
"We were just on a walk." I spoke up for her.
"And…who are you?" She quizzed me, in a harsh, you-don't-belong-here kind of way.
"Effy's friend. Naomi."
"And what makes you think it was a good idea to take Effy out?" The nurse was pissing me off. She was treating Effy like a child who was under the care of an irresponsible adult.
"Why should she be locked up in that room?" I fired back. "I know her better than any of you, I think I know what she can handle." I placed my hand on her back. "She can handle anything." I was now speaking more directly at Effy instead of the nurse. "She's strong. She doesn't belong here, locked up." Effy turned to face me, smiling.
"Well, that was very touching, but if you'll excuse us, I need to escort Ms. Stonem to Dr. Fitch's office." The nurse gripped Effy's arm lightly, her words dripping with sarcasm, and began to pull her away.
"Don't worry, Eff. I'll be here tomorrow." I waved at her. "Go be strong, and get the hell out of here. Come home, yeah?"
She nodded, then turned around and freed herself from the nurse's grip, making sure that the nurse knew she didn't need her support. Because she was strong.
Elizabeth Stonem was as strong as they came.
05 December, 2010
…
I couldn't even bring myself to write anything. Nothing had changed, so there was nothing to write about. Effy was still away, I still worked a shit job six days a week, and classes were still bullshit. 'Way to waste paper, Naomi.' Although I hadn't lived with, or really spoken to for that matter, with my mother in over a year, a lot of her traits had stuck. Her preservative, communal, hippie-ish ways had worn onto me. I kind of liked that aspect of myself, to be honest. My mother and I had separated on a bit of a bad note, you could say, but I didn't hate her for it. I had no reason to because, if I'm honest, I was a selfish bitch. I'll tell you about that another time.
I stepped out onto the porch for a cigarette. It was flurrying outside, and the ground had that very thin layer of snow that always comes but never stays. Cars were driving along at a cautious rate, the wipers swaying back and forth, back and forth. It was soothing, and I became mesmerized. I reached a calm state of mind, only to be interrupted by faint whimpers a few moments later. I tried to ignore them, but they were consistent. I heard something that sounded like paws scratching, and gave up on ignoring them. Carefully, I made my way down the steps and checked underneath the porch. Sure enough—there was a tiny puppy, shivering and covered in snow. I couldn't bring myself to leave it there. It was lonely, just like I was, and I was not about to pretend that I didn't know how it felt.
I slid off my sweater and crouched, holding it open to the freezing creature. It backed away, scared. I lowered the sweater and instead held out my hand, cooing softly until I was able to lure it closer. Gently, I wrapped the sweater around the dog and brought him out, cradling him against my chest. He whimpered again, tucking his nose down into his fur. Quickly, I was up the stairs and back inside the flat with a new life in my hands.
"Shit," I said, as I watched the dog mosey around curiously. "What have I gotten myself into?"
The next few days granted me very little time to spend with my new friend. I decided, after much internal debate, that I would keep the dog. It had made me a lot happier than I had expected in that short amount of time, so I took it as some sort of sign. I also really just wanted an excuse to keep the dog. But I had still been working 6 days a week, which left me little time between classes and relaxing. Luckily, winter recess was quickly approaching, meaning I could return to my old schedule of visiting Effy every day, and I could bring along my new companion. Effy was one for cute animals, but you could never tell just by looking.
"Thames!" I called one day after returning from work. "Thames, you little shit. Where are you?" His tiny body came prancing from the bedroom. I decided on his name after reading it in a book, and felt it would work better than simply calling him 'Dog'. It had been almost a month since I'd found him, frozen and helpless. "Come on, we're going to see Eff." He barked wildly, his tail wagging a mile a minute. I grabbed the leash and scratched his ear. "Shit, Thames. You've really gone arse over tits for her, eh?" I joked, more to myself, seeing as he obviously wouldn't have understood what I'd said.
The walk only took a half an hour this time, Thames was rushing right along. The nurse stood awaiting us again, greeting us with the same warm and most likely fake smile as she did every day. Effy's door was always open slightly, and she was always sitting in the same spot. She'd dress herself in her sweater and we'd go for our usual walk. However, since acquiring Thames, our usual route had gained another stop to the cafeteria. We'd get him a disgusting vending machine sandwich, and feed it to him up at the bench.
Today, sadly, the vending machine sandwiches had been emptied, so we sat atop the hill receiving looks that could only be interpreted as sadness from our loyal hound.
"I have another session with Dr. Fitch today." Effy brought it up casually.
"Yeah? Do you like her?" I replied, scratching Thames behind his ear for consolation.
"I don't know. She's like every other doctor."
"But she could be the one to get you out of here."
Effy's tone brightened a little. "Maybe."
We reluctantly left the bench and made the trip back to Effy's room, where this time, there was no nurse waiting to scold us. Thames and I remained with her until the nurse and come to escort her, muttering something along the lines of "…At least you got her back on time…" and casting me a scornful glance.
"Bye, Eff." I said while embracing her with the most genuine hugs I could give. "Go get yourself out of here." I winked just before she departed. "Come on, boy. Let's go." I tugged at the collar and Thames silently obliged, trotting alongside me. We had just made it through the double doors to the courtyard when I felt myself collide with another force.
"Shit! I am so sorry!" I exclaimed, bending down to help the person collect their dropped things. I looked up, and found myself face-to-face with this girl who had shockingly vibrant red hair and eyes that had the deepest shade of brown I had ever seen. I felt my mouth gape, and quickly stood, offering her a hand up. She ignored it, pushing herself up and then brushing herself down.
"Thanks." She said, smiling. Her smile fell and she reached for the glasses perched on her nose, examining them closely, then frowning.
"Shit! I broke your glasses!" I ran my hand aggressively through my obtrusive hair. "Christ, I am such a fucking tit."
"No, it's fine, really." She folded them up and put them in the pocket of her hoodie. "Happens all the time, to be honest." She grinned, and that left me confused. Why smile about broken glasses? "But usually I'm not being trampled by a pretty blonde." She said, winking.
"Oh, fuck. I-uh, shit." Her statement had thrown me off balance, and I was left struggling for words. "I'm sorry. I didn't even see you, and I feel like a complete arsehole and—" I was cut off by her laughing.
"Jesus, calm down. It's really not a problem. Something that is, though," She bent down and I followed her, realizing that Thames had been pestering her the entire time with his sniffing and pawing, "…is how fucking adorable this dog is. What's he called?"
"Uh, Thames." I replied, feebly and embarrassed.
"Thames? Sounds noble." She stood, her gaze still fixed on my prancing puppy. "Fitting."
"Yeah, I guess so." I don't know why I agreed, it just felt right to. "Oh, here," I shuffled the papers around until they were neat. "I believe these are yours." I finished, retuning the stack of papers that littered the ground only moments before, thanks to me.
"Oh, yeah." She nodded. "Thanks."
"You know, you're awfully chipper for someone whose nearly been maimed." It was intended as a joke, but somehow ended up being something different. Something that I was unsure what it meant or implied.
"Yeah, well, like I said. Happens a lot." She peeked at her watching, sighing. "Sorry, but I've really got to go. It was nice to meet you, despite the circumstances. I'm Emily, by the way." She held her hand out, and I nearly rejected it as she did mine. But something pushed me to accept the handshake, and so I did.
"Naomi, pleased to meet you."
She smirked, before stepping off, calling over her shoulder. "Maybe I'll see you around, Naomi."
Oh God, I've gotten into the world of fanfiction. And it's Skins. Even scarier. Let's see how this goes.
My first attempt at writing. Hope it wasn't too bad.