Gillian's Story!
I remember the day I met Kenneth Hutchinson as if it were yesterday. I was doing some shopping and somehow I ran my shopping cart against his. Stupid of course but I guess my mind was with my 'client' for the evening. I didn't like him very much but business is business and he paid a lot for a few hours with me. Besides Al and Olga wouldn't let me back off on this one! So, my mind was certainly elsewhere when we met. After the crash I looked up and saw beautiful sky blue eyes. Somehow they touched something in me and I felt like a teenager, all nervous and shaky. Ridiculous of course! Me, a high priced call girl, shaking like a sixteen year old with a crush. Yes, a call girl! I'm not afraid to use that word for myself. It is what I am and so be it. No, I wouldn't tell my parents and I don't advertise it in the papers but I'm not ashamed about it. Until that day I wasn't anyhow. I come from some small town in Ohio and my future was not that bright. I wanted to be a journalist but never got the chance. And working in some dusty bookstore was not exactly my dream job. So, when I met Al and Olga I was ready to listen to all their wonderful plans about my future! I was naïve and young and believed what they said. They would make me rich and famous because I had that something that would make people love me! Now that I look back I can't believe I fell for that cheap talk! God, how could I have been so stupid! How could I ever believe what they said? Was I that desperate then? I think I was willing to take whatever chance I could get to step out of my boring life. And now, standing eye to eye with the most gorgeous man I had seen in a long time, I regretted my decision to go with the Grossman's to Cleveland to start a new life. They promised me the moon and the stars and my name in big neon letters. Yeah, right! All they gave me was a part in some sleazy movie and a handful of dollars. And the promise of a better movie! Oh, the stupidity of a small town girl! Maybe, if I had been thinking then, I would have had the chance to get out of their greedy, dirty hands but I was too young and still so very naïve . I believed they wanted something good for me. I believed they liked me and wanted to help me make something of my life!
Isn't it strange that your entire life flashes by when you meet the man you fall for the moment you see him? And that you know that you're playing with fire if you let yourself fall?
He apologized to me: "I'm sorry". He had a beautiful voice, soft and a bit shy! I smiled at him "It's okay. I wasn't looking, it's my fault".
He shook his head "I don't think so but we could talk about it over a cup of coffee if you want" Hey, he isn't that shy, I thought amused and made the next wrong decision in my life "I'd love to".
We spent an enjoyable hour in a small coffee shop and drank too much coffee .It was so easy to talk with him but I had to be careful with what I said! No way was I going to let out the big secret about my way of living. I did want to meet him again and telling him I was a hooker would certainly make that possibility disappear like snow in the hot summer sun. The fact that he turned out to be a police man made it so much harder to keep the lid on the box! He sometimes seemed to look right through me and I feared that he might see the whole ugly truth about my life. But he didn't! When I told him I was a writer he was very interested and somehow I made up a life I didn't have and never would have. What else could I do? I did not want to lose what I just found and I couldn't bear to see the disgust on his beautiful face the moment he would realize the ugly truth.
Much too soon for me he had to go. He had to go to work and we agreed to have dinner the next evening. I still can feel what I felt when I drove home. It was a feeling I never had before and I knew I was in love! Too bad that I had to come down from my cloud so fast. When I opened my apartment door the phone rang. It was Al to tell there were more clients with needs only I seemed to be able to take care of.
My cloud disappeared and I felt so cheap all of a sudden. The last hour had given me the feeling of being a normal woman with a normal life and the chance at a real relationship. But now I knew that it would be an impossible dream. Still, I wouldn't let Ken go and I started thinking about a way to have both Ken and my life as it was. First I'd have to think about a story of my life that I could tell and wouldn't be too easy to break. I told him already that I was a writer and I thought it was as good as anything . At least it would give me the opportunity to have the hours for the job if I played it right. I could tell him I was writing a book and needed much time for research! Or I could say I worked for some magazine and had to go away for an article. Or…. Oh dear god, what was I doing? How could I ever believe to get a normal life when I had to tell so many lies! Besides I actually liked what I was doing. Well, most of the time I did. This night I certainly wouldn't! But overall it wasn't too bad and it was a hell of a lot better then what the Grossmans let me do in the past. I was grateful to be away from the x-rated movies and had told myself so many times that this was a good life that I really believed it after some time. Didn't I live in a beautiful, expensive apartment and didn't I earn enough money to live a comfortable life? I wasn't working on street corners or in cheap dirty hotels but did that make me so different from other 'working' girls? 'Not really' I thought with sudden bitterness and disgust. Surprised by my own feelings and thoughts I decided to let it go for now. Tonight when I would be home again I'd think of a good background story and a decent job to tell Ken about tomorrow night.
Tell me why I think this is a reasonable way of earning a living! What a jerk that guy was! I had to tell Olga I wouldn't see him ever again. Ever! And that I meant it this time. Now I needed a bath first and some sleep. Can't look bad tomorrow night, can I?
In two hours I'd see Ken again! Was I counting the hours now? Yes, I was. I was so excited I hardly could wait for the time to go by! But first I still had to decide what to wear! You'd think I would have enough clothes for any occasion and I have but somehow nothing seemed right for this special evening. I didn't want to look too fancy, it might scare him off. I mean he was just a street cop and couldn't be earning too much money. I didn't want him to think I was out of his league! Stop lying to yourself, Gillian! You are out of his league, he could never afford you and if he knew he'd turn around and run away! Oh, what was I doing? Why did I do this to myself? Be honest, girl! You couldn't get him out of your head even if you wanted to. You need to know him better to decide if he's worth the risk! Oh please, let him be worth the risk! Wait, maybe I should wear my jeans. With a nice sweater I'd be looking like the girl next door . Not too much make-up I think. Think about your girl next door look! Hey, I liked this. I liked having a date like any normal girl and I liked dressing up like this and knowing I'd feel clean when I got home! Let's see now, I look okay and I studied my 'background'! I was ready to roll!
I can't believe what a fantastic evening I had! Ken was the most wonderful man I ever met. He was so lovely and sweet that if I wasn't in love already I certainly would be after our date! He picked me up right on time and he drove us to a lovely, almost intimate restaurant. He has an awful car by the way but I didn't care one bit. Just being with him and talking with him was so exciting. I can't remember what we ate but I think it was good! We talked about a lot of things even about 'my work' and it was so easy to tell him I wrote a book and all the lies I'd thought out that it scared me a bit. It made me feel so bad to see he believed everything I told him but I had no choice! I had to go on with it if I didn't want to lose him right away. And I didn't, I didn't want to lose what I just found! A wonderful, interesting man who liked me for what I was! For who I was! Gillian, and not a hooker who sells her body to the highest bidder 5 nights a week. I had to do something about those 5 nights a week. It was too much, I wouldn't be able to see Ken more than maybe once a week. He had his job and as far as I knew he's working a lot at nights. So, first thing tomorrow I'd have to talk with Olga and ask her for more nights off and maybe I could entertain clients in the afternoon. There are men enough who need to be at home at night so that their lovely, ignorant wives won't find out about their secret! And I wouldn't have to see yesterday's jerk anymore. Besides, it would make it easier to explain why I'm not at home. I need to do research for my book and doing that at night is a little strange I think! Ken, my dear Ken, please don't find out about my secret! I couldn't live with the knowledge you knew and despised me for it! I think I love you Ken, I really think I do! You are so decent and kind, you didn't even ask to come home with me! You just brought me home and we said goodbye with a little kiss. A real gentleman and there aren't many left of those. I should know but maybe my judgment is clouded by my profession. It is so nice to write this all down. Makes the lies a little less because I am writing, aren't I? Oh, he told me about himself, he comes from Duluth and has lived in Bay City for about six years now. He came here to become a cop, it's what he always wanted to be. And he works with a partner who is also his best friend! How lucky can one be?! I feel so happy I could sing! And tomorrow I'll be seeing him again! Because he has to work late we're going to have lunch. When did I ever have a lunch-date with a man? Maybe soon we'll have breakfast together! That would be so nice and romantic. I think it's time to go to bed now. I'm having dreams I shouldn't have and that's dangerous. I should live by the day now and see what happens. Not let my imagination run wild. First thing tomorrow I'll have to talk with the Grossmans. And then I'm going to see Ken!
Well, that was an awful conversation! What a horrible people the Grossmans really are and why didn't I see that before I got involved with them? I am so angry! But I got what I came for. It wasn't easy to convince them I could be of good use for them working different hours and of course they wanted to know why but I told them nothing about Ken! They would have never allowed it and who knows what they would do if they knew! So I said that working late every night was wearing me out lately. That I needed more nights of sleep and that I just wanted to work daytime hours. I don't know if they believed me but after some nasty words and the threat not to deceive them or else, they agreed. Now I can think of dating Ken more often and still make enough money for the Grossmans and myself. I think it's time to forget this horrible morning and look at the brighter things of the day. Ken! It's almost time for our lunch together. Maybe the dirty taste in my mouth will disappear then. I wish I could ask him for help because I'm a bit scared but that's not possible and never will be! Hopefully he won't notice anything about me that could make him suspicious. It's getting complicated already and I only know him for two days now! How long can I keep my secret from him? Don't think about that now Gillian, just think of your lunch-date with the most gorgeous man you have ever seen. Come on get yourself ready now, girl. He's waiting for you .
How can you be happy and scared at the same time? It was such a lovely afternoon. We went for lunch at a cute restaurant and afterwards Ken took me to his place. He lives in a lovely apartment in Venice. It's small but I wish I could live there with him. I'd give up my apartment any day just to be with him. He is a romantic! I did not expect that from a man with a profession like his. I mean, being a cop is not the easiest or the most glamorous job but he kept his belief in people and always tries to see the good in them. I don't know if I still can do that but I love him even more for it! He sang for me! Nobody ever did that before and I felt so special and loved. He has a beautiful voice and plays real good guitar and when he started to sing 'Sometimes when we touch' I could cry! How long will it take before my bubble of happiness bursts? How long before he finds out? He is working on the murders on Porn Row and that's awfully close to home for me. I pretended not to know anything of that area but I work there! What if we meet there someday? It would be my nightmare come true and I fear that day. I can't tell him about myself. I don't want him to know!! I don't want to see the love in his eyes change to disgust or maybe even hate! I love him and I don't want to hurt him! Calm down Gillian, calm down. Take a deep breath and think positive. He doesn't suspect anything so enjoy what you have as long as it takes. Maybe there is a way out so he never has to know. Maybe it is time to stop doing this and find another, more decent job. Wouldn't that be nice? I could write a book about my life without telling it is my life. Why not? I wouldn't be the first one to do that. And it would change my lies into truths! Oh, to be honest to him and no more lies. That would be so good! He doesn't deserve me, he is too good for me. I'm just a lying whore! But I can't let him go, I just can't!
What a romantic, beautiful week this has been! It was perfect if I don't count the hours with my clients of course. But the hours with Ken were worth every lie I told him and every day of fear of being discovered. We've been together as much as we could and it was wonderful. He's been here too now and just said he loved the place. He never asked how I could afford this and I'm grateful for that. It saved me from telling another lie although I made something up days ago. I would have said that it was a gift from my grandmother. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? But it was the only thing I could think of. He stayed with me the other night and we slept together for the first time! It was so beautiful and so good. It wasn't just sex, it was love making and that is something entirely different! And I should know. Just sex means nothing it's the love that makes it so beautiful. We loved each other and talked the entire night! We talked about our future and I did not allow myself to think that there might not be a future for us. We're still together aren't we and our love grows every day. He talked about his work and his friendship with Starsky. I think it's a very special friendship they have. Not just friends, it goes much deeper than that. I can listen to him for hours and it doesn't matter what he is talking about. Just hearing his voice makes me happy! Knowing that he loves me makes me almost high with happiness. He is a good cook too you know, he makes delicious things and when I ask him what it is he just smiles and says: " It doesn't matter what it is as long as you like it" and then he looks at me and I feel so treasured and special I could cry. Never in my whole life has anybody made me feel like that . Nobody ever loved me like Ken does. I'd give anything to make it last, anything. But there isn't much else I can do to make it last than to love him and pray he'll never find out the truth.
Tonight we're going bowling! How about that? And I'll finally meet Starsky. Ken hadn't introduced us, he said he wanted to keep me for himself for a while. I found that so sweet! And I liked the idea of being his alone. Of course it wasn't true but I liked the idea and the feeling it gave me to be his and his alone! Aw Ken, if you knew the truth you'd be so hurt! But we're going out bowling. I never did that before and I'm looking forward to such a normal date. Bowling, have you ever heard of something so ordinary and exciting at the same time?
Oh God it happened! It really happened! They know, they know about Ken and they want me to break up with him. But I can't, I just can't! And it all started so nice. I was a little late because of a client who needed more time than I would give him and it took me some time to get rid of him. So, when I arrived at the bowling hall I saw Ken sit there with his back towards me and I couldn't help but surprise him! When he saw me his entire face lit up and I could feel my face starting to shine too. He stood up to come to me and almost fell in his haste to reach me. We both laughed and then he introduced me to his friend Starsky. We shook hands. That is something I never do with a man, shake hands, but it was nice. Starsky doesn't look anything like Ken and I wonder what they have in common except for their work. He had a date too and Nancy thought I have a beautiful name! I told her it was British. She liked my story and I never would have thought that talking about my name could make me feel so good. Starsky and Nancy went on bowling and I could finally have some time with Ken! All I could ask was "how are you?" Funny isn't it but Ken seemed to think it was a normal question 'cause he answered me with a big smile:" I'm fine." Isn't he sweet? "It's been so long since last night" We sat down and he asked me how I'd been. All I could say was: " Without you all day " and he said still smiling that beautiful smile: " I know! Something happened didn't it?" I felt that too and he went on: "I've been excited all day!" "I know I know. I'm in this room and it's filled with balloons" and he interrupted me: "red ones?" "Yes" I said "and then I'm worried and I listen for that explosion and I wonder which one is gonna break first" He looked at me so lovingly and said: "none of them" and then he kissed me. I looked at him and couldn't lie this time. "That would be so nice. Impossible but nice." I knew it couldn't last. There were too many lies between us. We were interrupted by Starsky's voice asking if we were gonna bowl and we did. It was fun but even this couldn't last! When I walked back to Ken after my turn I saw this guy in the phone booth and I knew it was over. It was one of Al's men and he had seen me with Ken! Of course Ken noticed something was wrong but I couldn't tell him anything so I lied again: "nothing, nothing is wrong" "Gillian?" his voice sounded worried and it almost broke my heart. " I love you" I said "I really love you! No matter what happens I love you" What more could I say? He shook his head "Nothing is gonna happen" He sounded so sure and I knew he was wrong! I heard voices but did not understand what was said and I heard Ken laugh. For me the good times were over and I feared what was to come. When Ken brought me home later that night I decided to not take him with me upstairs. I wasn't sure what Al would do but I did not dare to take any risks before I really had to! To be honest I expected him to be in my apartment to ask what was going on and I was right! After I said good night to Ken I took the lift to my floor and walked down the hall to my apartment. The door was ajar and I knew my feelings were right! It was worse than I thought. Al wasn't alone, he had Olga and one of his men with him. "The door was open" he lied "We let ourselves in" I shrugged . "mamma made tea" the creep went on and his mamma added: "you only have tea bags?" I gave no answer and when she started about my couch I said: "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." I started walking to my bedroom but Al stopped me. "Where were you?"he asked. "Out." I answered. "With whom?"he asked. What could I say? "With Robert Redford" Olga stood up and over to me. "Don't you get smart with my Al, little girl" she said. I got angry "When I'm not working it's my life and don't try to tell me what to do with it!" Al stepped closer and snapped: "who are you kidding? I own you like I own everything in this place. I paid for you, you are mine!" I tried to reason with him "Al please, I want out. I'm serious!" He looked at me and shook his head "This happened before didn't it?" How could I convince him I was serious this time? "No, not like this, no." Nothing had ever been like this but he wouldn't listen. "So," he said "This guy is special, huh?" Whatever I said I knew he'd never fall for it but I had to try. I had to try to get away. "Yes, yes he's special" I put all my feelings into those words but it made no difference. "Sure he's special alright. He's a cop! We know all about this big blond friend of yours" I stared at him, not knowing what to say or do. My hope of a normal life with Ken disappeared and I felt sick. Olga's voice came from behind me, " we spent a great deal of money and effort in this town since we came here. Al is about to become a very important man! I'm not gonna let you endanger all that by you dating a cop." I was desperate. "But Hutch doesn't know anything! He doesn't know anything!" It was the first time I called him Hutch. Don't ask me why I did it 'cause I wouldn't know. I only know that I saw my dream torn apart and I heard the explosion of the first balloon that burst. They stood both before me and I knew it was all over! They would never let me go, never! Olga shook her head "And he isn't going to find out! Be at the place tomorrow. We have a special friend stopping by for a visit" she looked at me with a knowing smile and I hated her so much I could kill her. "And after that" Al added "You break it off with your cop friend or we break it for the both of you. Permanently! Do you understand me?" Oh, yes I understood him perfectly. And I told him that. What else could I do? What else could I do? Oh Ken, oh my love. Why can't we just go away and be happy? The door closed behind them and I was alone with my pain and broken balloons. I don't remember how long I just stood there but it must have been some time because suddenly I felt so tired and I stumbled to my bedroom. Without undressing I fell on my bed and cried. I cried a long time for every wrong decision I made in my life and for the price I was going to pay. I cried for the pain I was going to cause to my love and I cried for the loss of the love of my life. Somehow I'd always known it couldn't last but now the end was near I wasn't sure if I could live with the pain. I must have fallen asleep some time and when I woke up, my pillow was wet with my tears. It was morning and I had to get up soon. But all I did was lie there feeling miserable and sick. After a while I realized I was expected to entertain a client. I didn't dare to stay away. Who knew what they would do and I needed time to think things over. I had a date with Ken at 8PM and I wanted to see him so badly! I decided I'd go and do the job. And tonight I'd have an evening with the only one I wanted to be with. I got up and took a long, hot shower. No breakfast, I wasn't hungry and I dressed the way the clients preferred. Then I called a taxi and went to the massage parlor where I was expected. I feared facing Al and Olga but they weren't there. I felt relieved and when the important client showed up I recognized him a as someone important! He was friendly enough and seemed to enjoy his time with me but I just wanted to get out and go home to wait for Ken. Relieved I saw him finally leave and I left right behind him. Home, I just wanted to go home. It was still early when I arrived home and I went straight to the bathroom for a long, long shower. I dressed myself in jeans and a sweater, just like the first time we dated. I lit candles and opened the wine. Then I sat down and waited. At 8 o'clock sharp the doorbell rang and I almost ran to the door and in the arms of my lover. Finally I felt safe! Ken was surprised by my greeting and asked what was wrong. "Nothing" I lied "I'm just so glad to see you." That was no lie! He took me in his arms and for a moment I felt so safe and protected that every thought of Al and Olga and tomorrow just disappeared. How could something bad happen when the man you love holds you like that? But in the back of my mind I knew better. He kept me close when we moved to the couch and sat down. He looked at me and I looked at him and that was enough for a long time. He was so beautiful, I wanted to remember everything! Every line, his eyes, his smile and most of all his love for me that was so evident in his eyes! We didn't say much, just sat there and looked at each other. It was almost peaceful and for one moment I believed I saw a new balloon in the room.
That night we made love and it was so good, so intense and so tender at the same time! When I woke up I looked at Ken who was still sleeping and I promised myself and him I would do anything to keep my dirty secrets away from him as long as I could. He woke up and the first thing I saw in his eyes was joy and happiness at the same time. I could only smile and kiss him. Saying something was almost impossible because I had a lump in my throat and I felt tears sting in my eyes. I loved him so much!! So much!
And now I sit here and write everything down. I wrote some things down the past month just to remember how happy I felt but when I read them this morning I decided to make it a written memory so that when the last balloon bursts I can read this and know it was all so real! No matter where I'll be, Ken will always be with me ! In my heart, and in this testament of our love.
Oh God oh God!! Starsky knows! He knows everything about me! What am I to do? What can I do? He just came by and I wondered what was wrong 'cause he seemed so nervous. He didn't want to sit down and kept pacing my room. I knew it was bad news then and I heard myself ask him "What?" He pulled himself together and came towards me. He handed me an envelope and said that Hutch told him about the boutique I wanted to start. Oh god, another lie I had told and all I could say was "Yes" and then he handed me the envelope saying that he wanted to invest in my shop! I didn't know what to say or do and I just looked at him. I saw that it was hard for him to continue but I didn't say a thing. I wanted my balloon to last as long as it could! But he went on and said that I had to open my little shop somewhere else and when he added "Cleveland" I knew it was over! It is all over! All I could do was hug a pillow and hold on to it as if my life depended on it. Starsky looked away from me and I saw the pain on his face. And I had to say it: "You love him too, don't you?" He didn't answer me just stood there and suddenly I had to know. " How did you find out?" I sounded cool and in control to my own surprise. He told me had seen me at the massage parlor the other day and I felt so ashamed and dirty! He had seen me!! And then he said the only thing that was worse than what he said before. "He's gotta be told." He sounded so sad and almost defeated I felt sorry for him but I couldn't give in without a fight "Starsky, I love him! I love him! Doesn't that count for anything?" I was desperate. But he didn't give in. "He's gotta know. One way or the other he's gotta know." he didn't shout, didn't sound angry, he just sounded sad! I knew then that I had no choice and I said so. Starsky shook his head almost in pity. Oh, it hurt, it hurt so bad! But I really had no choice and I promised, almost crying: "I'll tell him tonight." He nodded almost invisibly and slowly walked to the door. Then he stopped and said with tears in his eyes, "If you won't tell him I will in the morning." I knew he would and I accepted my fate. He walked to the door and suddenly I knew I had to say what I thought at that moment and I called him one more time. "Starsky" He turned around, looked at me and I said "It must be nice to be Hutch. In one lifetime to have two people who love you so much!" A tiny smile appeared around his lips as if he was surprised by my words. Then he nodded and left. Leaving me and my broken dreams behind. I think I was in shock for some time but then I started making a plan. I couldn't stay here and I couldn't face Ken and tell him the whole ugly story! I couldn't and I did not want to see the hurt and disgust in his eyes when I told him. But I couldn't let Starsky tell him either! So, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to Olga and Al, give them all my keys and tell them I'm leaving! I already packed most of my things and when I get back I'll call Ken and do the hardest thing I've ever done or will ever do. I'll tell him the truth! Then I'll leave and disappear for good out of his life. It's the best I can do and I know he won't be alone. He has Starsky and he will take care of my love! I'm going now!
It went all wrong! I hit Olga and now I have to get away immediately! One thing to do though! I'm going to call Ken now and then I'm gone!