PSA: Zero Tolerance Policies
FADE IN-Valhalla OUTSIDE RED BASE. Grif(on the left) and Church (on the right) stand on the grass.
GRIF: Hi there. I'm Grif from the popular web series Red vs. Blue.
CHURCH: And I'm Church. Grif and I here have found out some very startling issues lately within today's school system. Something called "Zero Tolerance Policy." In light of this, we asked Simmons to research upon this and tell us exactly what this means.
PAN CAMERA RIGHT as Simmons runs up to Grif and Church, who both turn to listen to Simmons.
SIMMONS: According to quick research I did, apparently this a is policy is where if a student breaks a rule of the school, they have to answer a consequence depending upon the offense. For example, a kid brings a knife to school, he gets suspended depending upon what that school decides for how long ahead of time.
GRIF: What? Seems a bit harsh. I mean, if the kid went at with a knife, I could understand, but not just bringing it to show it off.
CUT TO SIMMONS.
SIMMONS: See, there's no exceptions. Henceforth calling it "Zero Tolerance." Even if someone brings one in on accident, the same consequences must take place. You see, it was mainly put in place so that there was no tolerance upon alcohol, cigarettes, illegal drugs, and weapons of any sort.
CUT TO CHURCH AND GRIF.
GRIF (sigh): All the good things in life.
CHRUCH: Well, why is it so controversial? I mean, a lot of kids fucking up a school with drugs and weapons makes sense that you don't want it happen.
ZOOM OUT so all three are seen.
SIMMONS: Well, it's because there's Zero Tolerance, kids are being suspended for several different things that seem highly controversial. Kids have been suspended for having toe-nail clippers.
GRIF: What?!
CHURCH: That's bull-shit!
WE CAN HEAR DONUT IN THE DISTANCE
DONUT (off-screen): Did I hear someone say toe-nail clippers!
Simmons turns around.
SIMMONS (yelling): NO I DIDN'T! NOW DON'T COME OVER HERE!
Donut runs over to join the three.
DONUT: Are you guys talking about manicures?
GRIF: No. Now go away.
DONUT: Are you sure?
CHURCH: No Donut, we're talking about Zero Tolerance.
DONUT (gasps): Zero Tolerance! It's one of the scariest things there is! When I was in high school…I got suspended because of those meanies!
GRIF: Wait, you mean to tell me that Donut was suspended from high school?
DONUT (continuing as if he didn't hear GRIF, sobbing): All I was doing…was using a scrapbooking multi-tool…for my art project…
Donut runs off crying. The three just stare after him in an awkward silence.
CHURCH: Wow, who knew that someone here actually knew about this first hand.
GRIF: But let me understand this: Donut got suspended for using whatever the hell it was for art, and I graduated no problem when I did…uh… things I probably shouldn't have done.
CHURCH: Wait, you mean you had it at your school too?
GRIF: Dude, almost everyone did. Only now have people actually started to go against this and try to do something about it. Where did you get an education?
CHURCH: I…I was homeschooled.
GRIF: Well that explains a lot.
CHURCH: Oh fuck you.
SARGE(off screen): Grif! Simmons! Get over here! I got new orders!
Grif sighs before he and Simmons walks away from Church and approach Sarge standing outside Red Base next to the modified jeep.
SARGE: Simmons, where's Donut?
Donut pops up from behind the jeep.
Donut: Right here sir!
GRIF: Well, that was fast.
SARGE: Shut up Grif. This is important.
GRIF: (to himself) 1 minute…
SARGE: I just got some high priority news. It turns out due to recent dangerous incidents that have happened recently, it has been set that there will be a zero tolerance rule put in effect in our base at all times.
GRIF, SIMMONS, and DONUT: WHAT?!
DONUT: The horror! (ducks behind jeep again)
GRIF: Why in the world would they do that for people in an army! A freaking army!
SIMMONS: Sir, are you sure about this. This isn't some kind of practical joke of any kind.
SARGE: No Simmons, this is serious. I don't like this wither, but orders are orders. So that means we have to leave our weapons in conveniently placed box at the entrances or exits of the base so we don't have them in the bases. When we leave the base, we can pick them back up. Unfortunately this means Lopez can't come back in the base either considering he is more of a weapon than a robot.
Lopez walks up to Sarge.
LOPEZ: Viejo estúpido. Usted no se dio cuenta de que se trataba de un viejo tonto Broma mes de abril de años atrás. (Translation: You stupid old man. You didn't realize that this was an old April Fool's Joke from years ago.)
SARGE: I know you don't like this either Lopez. But look at it this way, you can always fend off the enemy while we prepare to get our weapons to fight back!
LOPEZ: Jódale, el viejo. ¿Por qué molesto aún yo con usted humanos? (Translation: Fuck you, old geezer. Why do I even bother with you humans?)
Camera CUT to Church watching the Reds from above the hill as Lopez runs off.
CHURCH: Wow, just proof that Blue is just better than Red. We can actually bring shit in our bases.
Tucker walks up to Church.
TUCKER: Hey Church, we got a weird order today.
CHRUCH: (To himself) Oh god, this can't be good. (turns to Tucker). Tucker, this better not be bad.
TUCKER: Yeah, for some stupid reason, they're putting a Zero Tolerance rule for our bases with weapons.
CHURCH: God Damnit! Why in the hell would someone do that?
TUCKER: Well…maybe because someone…suggested it to them…
CHURCH: Tucker, you better not make me use my Sniper rifle.
TUCKER: Like you could shoot shit anyways.
Church raises his Sniper Rifle and fires, but clearly misses Tucker who stands still the entire time.
CHURCH: FUCK! What the hell is wrong with this thing?
TUCKER: Church, face it, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn even if you were inside the barn.
CHURCH: Why the hell would you suggest doing such a thing though.
Caboose walks up.
CABOOSE: Church! Tucker said we got new rules today! What kind of rules are we talking about?
Church turns to Tucker for a moment.
CHURCH: Okay, you have a point. Remind me not judge you at first glance.
TUCKER: That's what she said. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
CHURCH: Never mind. I'm back to judging you again.
CABOOSE: Do these rules involve fire. If so, I'm against the part of being on fire.
CHURCH: No Caboose, it's about Zero Tolerance.
CABOOSE: (gasps) Really? It's about time they put that rule in place!
CHURCH: Wait? You want Zero Tolerance in our bases?!
CABOOSE: Of course. Zero milk is always good.
TUCKER: Uh, dude, it's not about milk.
CABOOSE: Is it about politics?
CHURCH: I wish.
CABOOSE: Muffins?
TUCKER: Unless your muffin has a hand grenade in it.
CABOOSE: *disappointed* Oh, I wanted to make it as a present for Church. Well, I can still do Plan B.
CHURCH: What?!
TUCKER: See, this is why Zero Tolerance exists.
CHURCH: I would have hated gone to school wherever Caboose went.
CABOOSE: Ohhhhhhhhhhh, that's what you mean by Zero Tolerance stuff. I remember that.
CHURCH: So you know what the means than, right? No guns in the base, no hand grenades, and no…well, guns. You got that Caboose?
CABOOSE: Um….I forgot, can you say it again.
CHURCH: GOD DAMNIT, NO CABOOSE. Do I have to yell at you to keep your attention? What kept you distracted.
CABOOSE: Well you see, earlier I was fooling around with a pocket knife when all of the sudden-
TUCKER: Wait, when did you have a pocket knife.
CABOOSE: Always. You never asked.
TUCKER: You know you can't take it in the base anymore, right?
CABOOSE: But…pokey knifie….
CHURCH: No buts Caboose. Now give it to me.
CABOOSE: Fine Church, but you hold onto it.
Caboose squats to the ground, comes back up, and sets his gun down, and runs back to the base. Church and Tucker stare at the ground where Caboose squatted down.
CHURCH: What the…
TUCKER: That's a pocket knife?
Camera CUTS behind Church and Tucker to reveal a grand medieval sword laying on the ground next to Caboose's gun.
CHRUCH: Where the hell did he get this?
TUCKER: Um, dude, do you let him go on the computer?
CHURCH: Well, I have to keep him distracted on there sometimes so he doesn't screw everything up.
TUCKER: Yeah, but don't you keep your credit card info on there.
CHURCH: Yeah…(suddenly realizes) Ah shit!
CABOOSE: (off screen) YAY! Another box!
TUCKER: Uh-oh.
CAMERA CUTS to see Caboose standing outside the base with a Tomahawk Cruise Missile.
CABOOSE: This is the bestest birthday ever!
Church runs up to Caboose.
CHURCH: Caboose! How the hell did you get this!
CABOOSE: Well you see, it was a bit harder than a thought because some History teacher kept trying to outbid me, but I clicked my bid button more than he did, and now, my spaceship has arrived.
CHURCH: Uh…Caboose, that's not a spaceship.
CABOOSE: What? That's what it said in the description.
Red team rides up in a the jeep, except for Donut.
SARGE: What in the deck of cards is going on here?!
GRIF: Uh, sir? That missile is active I'm pretty sure. And if that goes off, we've got several problems.
A countdown is heard.
MISSILE: 20….19….
SIMMONS: Sarge! Drive us out of here!
SARGE: (as he drives the warthog away) This is why we didn't have internet when I was a private.
MISSILE: 13…12….
CHURCH: (as he runs off) Caboose! Run away!
CABOOSE: Oh my god! The spaceship even has a countdown sequence! This is just like the movies!
FADE to Red vs. BLUE logo as countdown continues
MISSILE: 6…4…3…2…1…0
A large explosion noise I heard as the screen shakes and we can hear Caboose screaming. There is a thud as Caboose moans.
CABOOSE: Ow…what happened…to the aliens?
Hey there, hope you enjoyed it. This my entry for the Red vs. Blue PSA contest and i thought I'd like to share it on FanFiction.
Dezblade