Anger Management:
Chapter One:
"Anything but a banana"

"Mom, please don't make me go."

"You think you're tough shit, don't you?" she hissed, her green eyes snapping into focus.

Eren huffed, crossing his arms and leaning against the seat. They were too alike, that was the problem. Not only did they have all the same features- eye color, nose curl, hardened scowl, hair color- they had the same anger. "And you call me verbally abusive."

"Well, you're not," she eventually continued, flailing around her seat like he hadn't made an effort to speak. "This is suspension, Eren. Another fight and they're threatening to expel you. Expulsion, Eren! How could you be so irresponsible? No, wait, don't answer that!" And then she was running amuck on yet another incomprehensible lecture. Mikasa was in the back seat, listening to the conversation impassively, but Eren could tell she amused. Hell, she was the one that approved of this.

"I don't want to go," Eren finally spat, fed up with his mother's words. "Anger management? Everyone will think I'm a freak." He shot a glare towards Mikasa's seat. Way to go, big mouth. While his parents threatened to ground him for life, Mikasa had been the one to recommend therapy. The thought made his mouth taste funny. Shrinks were for crazy people. Okay, that wasn't 100% true, but that was the stigma around it, and no one followed stigmas better than high school. If Jean ever found out about this, or if Mikasa spilled the beans...he'd be a laughing stock. Everyone knew that he was a short-tempered boy, but therapy would make it seem like he was some kind of murderer.

"Suspension," she repeated, like that was the answer to all his fruitless pleas. "One more fight and then you'll be expelled! This is not a negotiation. You're going." Her annoyance dissipated slightly, and she looked at Eren with a slight concerned smile. "Who knows? Maybe you'll like therapy. Isn't that right, Mikasa?"

Mikasa sent Eren a gloating smirk and nodded.

"Likely," he grumbled sarcastically. His parents thought Mikasa was a god-send. In actuality, she was a satan reincarnate.

"You never know," his mother rambled on. "I've talked to Levi on the phone. He seems very qualified."

"I don't want to go!" he snapped, glowering at her. "It'll be stupid!"

"Oh, look." His mother beamed at him smugly as she pulled the car into the driveway. "How the time flies; we're already here."

"Take a seat, Mr. Jaeger."

Eren Jaeger drummed his finger on his knee impatiently. There was a million other things he'd rather be doing at the moment, and taking anger management therapy was not one of them. Of course, he understand why he was sitting in this overly comfortable chair, reason being his mother had simply run out of second chances. Eren had come home from a Tuesday afternoon with a split lip, bruised knuckles, and a suspension slip in his one hand. His mother had gone ballistic when he grumpily handed it to her, and promptly sighed him up for therapy with Mikasa's advice, however reluctant Eren was.

To put it bluntly, he basically hated everything about this. Whether it be the color or the room, the height of the chair, (maybe even the height of his freak therapist) he hated it. Eren could be doing productive things right about now, like playing GTA5 with Armin and Connie. Okay, perhaps not productive, but more entertaining. As it so happened, he was drowning in boredom. Who could sit through an hour of therapy willingly? The idea was crazy to Eren, not to mention unbelievable. What was crazier was how neat and tidy the room was. Everything was in order, like it was done by some OCD clean-freak. Eren eyed his therapist suspiciously, but he was too preoccupied going through his mother's note to take notice. What a weirdo. The counters had been wiped until they shined, the stacks of papers were sorted into perfect piles, and everything in the room was orderly. It made Eren's bedroom a disgrace.

The therapist finally cleared his throat. "I see you've gotten suspended from school...again."

Eren scowled upon that familiar sentence, the ache in his hand suddenly enhancing. "Yeah, but it wasn't my fault." It really wasn't. Just because he threw a punch didn't mean he threw the first one, yet here he was. Jean (horse) had gotten off scot free, like always, parting Eren with a gloating grin and an unsaid threat for later. Perks of being the principal's son, he supposed. Still a jerk. Still a two-faced horse.

He arched an unconvinced eyebrow. "It takes two fools to fight." Then he reached over calmly, picking up his tea and taking a hearty sip out of it. He didn't slurp it, but Eren could tell that he was doing it with deliberate slowness. When he finally finished drinking it, he looked at Eren unimpressed. "Eren, right?"

Eren nodded, trying to hide his annoyance. "Yes."

He leaned forward in his chair. "My name is Levi. I will be your therapist for the next six months."

Six months? SIX MONTHS? Eren's green eyes widened in partial shock. "Six? Look, really, I don't think I need that much time. I thought that this would be our only session."

Levi rolled his eyes, scoffing at his client's string of rambled sentences. "Stoners these days."

Eren stuttered, mouth dropping in eye. "W-what?"

"I'll be the judge of when you leave," Levi finally said, the disdain clear in his voice. Like he hadn't just called him a stoner, and like he wasn't glaring the shit out of Eren right now. He's crazy. Definitely crazy. "Now, why don't you tell me why you think you're here."

There was a short pause as Eren shifted uncomfortably, picking at the small scabs that had formed along the top of his fingertips. His voice was dry and clashingly irritated when he spoke, glowering at Levi accusingly. "You already know why. I get into too many fights at school."

"Hm. Tch."

His eyebrows narrowed at Levi's flippant dismissal. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He was starting to like this guy less and less.

Levi sighed, like explaining things to Eren was too much effort wasted. That only multiplied Eren's frustration, and he glared at the short man further. "It's supposed to mean," Levi said in a drawled (more like bored) tone, "That one does not start random fights unless they're a complete imbecile."

"It wasn't random," Eren snapped, patience wavering thin. Honestly, though, who does this guy think he is? "I was provoked."

"Tch."

"I was!" Eren defended, voice raising and becoming hoarser.

"You sound rather defensive," Levi concluded. "Wonder what that it is."

Eren rolled his eyes (very teenager of him) and crossed his arms. "Aren't shrinks supposed to be nice?"

"Tch. Nice. The word is therapist, Jaeger, and nice doesn't go along with job requirements. The only thing you need to have to be a therapist is a qualification." He gestured to the multiple awards, certificates, and Masters degree hanging perfectly in order on the wall.

"I hate you."

"That's a big word, Eren, especially for someone as small-minded as you."

"If we're on the subject of 'small'..." he muttered.

Levi's eyes narrowed and he abruptly went from unamused to terrifying. So far Eren had only been slightly intimidated by the man, but that was only by his connections by his mother. Eren gulped, shrink/ing back into his chair. There was an awkward silence for a few moments as Levi moved his glare from Eren and down to the stack of organized papers on his desk. "Tell me about the fight."

It wasn't a question.

Eren growled at the thought of that horse-faced jerk-off. "Jean Kirstein. Such an asshole."

"Calm yourself." Levi took another drink of his tea, the cup rattling slightly when he set it back down. When Eren huffed heavily, and leaned back into his chair, his stiffened shoulders relaxing, only then did Levi continue. "Tell me more about this Jean."

"Oh, he's a fucking dick." Eren was sure that swearing to his therapist wasn't the best first impression, but at this point, he really didn't care. "A complete horse."

"Horse?"

Eren suddenly snickered. "Yep. I came up with it. Guy has a horse face, and I'm certain Marco wants to ride him all night long." No amusement was shown on Levi's account. Huh. Eren thought that would at least crack him up. Everyone at school thought that joke was the shit, with the exception of Marco and Jean. Eren coughed awkwardly. "Uh, anyway, he's a jerk. We're always getting into fights, though. It's not really anything new."

Levi pondered for a moment, expression impassive. "I think I see the issue."

Eren blinked in puzzlement, stopping his tangent in its tracks. "Uh, you do?"

Levi shrugged, a ghost of a smirk forming on his lips. "There's always a reason behind anger. It mostly has to do with repression or suppression. In your case, I think you've been suppressing certain...feelings."

Eren didn't like the way Levi had said that. "Such as...?"

Levi held up a finger, causing Eren's scowl to deepen. He then took another long drink of tea, and Eren had to refrain from reaching across the small table between them and strangling him. When he finally was finished, he smacked his lips obnoxiously, adding on what was becoming his signature 'tch.' "How do you feel about Jean?" he asked.

"I hate him. He's a horse."

Levi huffed once again, like the answer was obvious. Eren was starting to think that Levi thought he was a moron, but was too polite to say it out loud. Wait...no, not polite. This guy was a complete ass...with class. "Do you really hate him, Eren?" Levi questioned. "Or do you hate the feelings he evokes in you?"

Eren's face was blank. He better not be implying...things. "I literally have no idea what you're saying right now."

He was deadpan the next time Levi spoke. "Eren, how do you feel about penis?"

Nope, noppidy, nope, NOPE, this was not happening right now-

"Should I repeat the question?" Anything but that.

"I'MNOTGAY!" Eren blurted out, cheeks flaring in a mixture of anger and embarrassment. "The fuck? Especially not for a horse! Gah! The images! I'VE BEEN TRAUMATIZED!"

"No need to be so overdramatic," Levi stated monotonously, like he had been casually mentioning something as dismissive as the weather. "Your mother suspected it as well."

"WHAT?"

"Indeed. I even prepared a slideshow anticipating your visit." He swung his laptop around, causing the skin in Eren's skin to blanch now completely.

"No, no, really that's okay-"

Levi smiled. And when he smiled, he looked insane. "I insist."

Then he pressed play.

Nearing the end of the hour, Levi realized that he had accidentally mixed up the files and the slideshow was intended for another client, not Eren. Oh, yep. A total 'honest' mistake. Bullshit. He had heard Levi's assistant Hanji laughing hysterically as Eren practically ran out the door.

He opened the door to his house.

"Hey, Eren." Mikasa, his adopted sister, looked up questioningly from where she was sitting. "Dinner's almost ready. How was your first therapy session?"

His eyes bugged. "I don't wanna talk about it."

Mikasa stared at him curiously. Eventually, she shrugged, much to his relief. "Whatever. Mom made banana muffins if you want any-"

"ANYTHING BUT A BANANA!"

A/N: It's okay. I have no idea what just happened either. So, this was probably the most random thing you have ever read. This is my first attempt at a humor-fanfiction. Hopefully...I succeeded? Basically it will be a collection of short one-shots about Eren's anger management therapy sessions with Levi.

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