"You're going to leave." His voice was steady, but his hands, resting on his knees as we sat on the great expanse of grass, shook.
I didn't look at him, allowing my hair to shield me from his face, from his pain. He already knew, it wasn't a question he posed. A fact, let out in the air between us after a week of me thinking he didn't notice the bag I was packing, stuffed into the back of our closet. He knew me too well. I suppose almost a year on a ship with someone, and then living together for six months after would do that to a person.
"Don't do it. Don't go." My body jerked, reacting to the sorrow in his voice in a physical way. I couldn't look at him. Couldn't see those brown eyes pleading with mine, couldn't see the hurt of his wife's death, of Dustil's second betrayal when he returned to the Sith, and then of mine, because he was right. I was leaving.
Loud explosions lit up the night sky in brilliant greens, blues, and reds. We were expecting the fireworks, we were sitting on the huge lawn to watch them, but I felt Carth's hand go to his blaster anyway. Always cautious. It was one of the things I adored about him.
He didn't speak anymore, not that I would've been able to hear him over the show in the sky above us, and I finally peeked through my hair to look at him. He stared up into the night at the fireworks, but his whole body was tense, from white-knuckled fists to his posture, and I could tell he wasn't really watching at all.
I moved my hair and in the same moment he grabbed me, pulling me to him and kissing me. I kissed him back, the desperation in it taking the air from my lungs. Arms wrapped around me, the smell of his jacket and just him, I had never felt safer.
He paused for a moment and I sucked in oxygen as our foreheads bumped together. His breathing was just as ragged, his hands still gripping my arms tightly, as if he thought that would keep me there. My own hands clung to the front of his shirt, not wanting to let go.
He pulled away a bit, looking at me under the flashes of light, his eyes assessing my face, trying to see how set I was on my decision. I could see what he was asking, without him speaking it aloud.
Let me come with you. Let me keep you safe. Don't go, damnit don't you dare go. You've done enough for the Republic, you've given them everything. Stay. Please stay.
I shook my head, and he pressed his mouth against mine. I held back tears, and kissed him hard, before standing, grabbing his hand, pulling him up with me, and dragging him towards our quarters. Between the darkness and the sparkling show above, no one noticed our departure.
We didn't speak as we took off our civilian clothes, and he pulled me close under the blankets, not meeting my eyes. We stayed that way the entire night, his arms encircling me and my head against his chest. We didn't speak or move the whole night, but neither of us slept.
The next morning was silent as well. He retrieved my bag from the closet before I had the chance to, watched as I changed into the Jedi robes I hadn't worn in months, and attached my saber to the belt loop.
He was silent until we reached the cargo bay. I was leaving the Ebon Hawk with him, taking a smaller vessel. It would be just me and HK-47 after all.
"Promise me something Revan." I clenched my teeth at his usage of my former name, wanting to reject it from my mind, but turned to him anyway. He wouldn't look at me, but that was okay, because if he looked me in the eyes I wasn't sure I'd leave.
"Yes?" A muscle in his jaw leapt and twitched.
"Don't go after him. I know…I know he's not Dustil anymore, but don't hunt him, don't seek him out. Don't kill the last thing I have left."
I was silent. Dustil was now a Sith, having gone back to his previous ways not three months after the Star Forge was eradicated. Likely he didn't even look like Dustil anymore.
But I couldn't betray Carth in that way, I wouldn't. So I nodded. "I promise, I won't touch a hair on Dustil's head Carth." I looked down at the ground. "But I am coming back Carth, I pro-"
"NO." The word burst forth from his lips, and our eyes met, gray and brown. His were furious, mine confused.
"Don't. You. Dare." He breathed out. "Don't you dare promise you're coming back, because if you do, I will wait for you until the end of time. You don't know if you're coming back."
"Carth, I-" Unwanted tears bubbled up in my eyes and threatened to spill over, I angrily swatted them away before they had time to really fall. He saw them, and everything fell away as Carth scooped me into his embrace a final time. I couldn't see his face, but his shoulders shook, and he hugged me tighter than he ever had.
"I will be on the ship while you meatbags…say your goodbyes." HK-47 seemed to be doing his damndest to show his disgust through his voices, before shaking his head and boarding.
"I wanted everything with you." Carth whispered into my shoulder. "Love, a family. I wanted a life with you. I still do. Don't promise me you'll come back because if you do I'll spend the rest of my days waiting for you to come back and fulfill it."
"I'm coming back. I promise." I lifted my head from his shoulder, looked into his eyes. "I won't die on you. I'm coming back. Because I want those things too."
"Then stay and have them with me."
I shook my head. "You know me. I have to do this. The Republic needs me to do this."
"There are other Jedi." Carth sighed, closed his eyes. "But you are you, so you're going." He took my hands. "I love you Alanna. When you come back I'm going to make an honest woman of you."
I was going to crack a joke, but his eyes were serious, so instead I was honest. "I'd like that very much Commander Onasi."
He pressed a kiss to my forehead, then pushed me from his arms. "Go, before I do something illegal in an attempt to keep you here."
I picked up my bag, looked at him, attempting to press this moment into my permanent memory. "I love you too Carth. Be safe."
"May the Force be with you." The corners of my lips lifted with what he said, and then I turned, boarding the ship.
He watched as we lifted up, and flew out into the open sky. As we made the jump to hyperspace, I slumped in my seat, and let the tears fall.
Love, family, friends, those were all important.
Duty, and the Republic would always have precedence.
Just like that the tears were gone. I put Carth, Alanna, and our comfortable life away in a deep corner of my mind, and Jedi Revan was back.
I knew what had to be done.