Title: Love Me Like You
Author: Baby Doll
Summary: A complete account of the Sirius Black's favorite subject- girls- alphabet style. A through Z. The 26 ladies who changed his life the most... the 26 girls he loved (or loathed or befriended)... the 25 that got away... and the one who couldn't.
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer: The only people I own are the girls in the Alphabet... A through Z. Expect Lily.
Chapter One- Audrey, the Heartbreak
"You're going to go through the alphabet one day, Padfoot, I swear it! Every girl- A to Z!" -James Potter, Sixth Year
"Love Is A Burning Thing
And It Makes A Fiery Ring
Bound By Wild Desire
I Fell Into A Ring Of Fire
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher
And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire"
-Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire
1977- The Marauders' Seventh Year- Christmas Eve- London
"Merry Christmas, darling."
Sirius Black dropped his chin on her brittle shoulder. She might as well have been made of glass, she was so fragile.
"Aw, thanks, Sirius," she said, letting the knife covered with turkey remains drop against the chopping board. He kissed her cheek and she turned to face him, his arms never moving from around her. She pressed her lips to his and he rubbed her back.
"What do you want to do for Christmas Eve?" she asked. He smiled, his dark eyes lighting up in the dimly lit apartment.
"What do you want to do? You know what I want to do, Audrey."
She laughed into his chest.
"What is everyone else doing tonight?"
"You mean Lil and James and Natalie and co.?"
She turned back to the turkey waiting to be carved. He set his hands on her hips as Christmas music streamed from a Muggle music player.
"Yes, I mean Lily, James, Natalie, Remus and Peter. You know damn well who I meant," she laughed.
"I know, I know," he nodded, sighing and stepping away. He pulled out a kitchen chair and slid into it. He watched Audrey as she moved her shoulders back and forth while listening to the music. She was beautiful and graceful and serene.
"You realize it's 10 degrees and you're wearing a skirt," he said suddenly, watching her legs.
"And you mind?" she laughed.
"Well, no! But you must be cold."
"I'm fine, Sirius," she said. He knew she was smiling though all he saw was her back- her black heels, the flair of the bottom of her little black dress and red cardigan covering her tiny, fair skinned, ballerina torso. The back of her head, covering with dark ebony short hair was to him as well. He smiled and leaned back on the legs of the chair.
"Legs on the floor," she mumbled. He grinned and let the chair fall.
"I think you're great."
She nodded, "You'd better."
"I mean it, Audrey. We've know each other how long?"
She reached into her green apron and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He stood and offered her a lighter which she accepted.
"Since we entered Hogwarts."
She dragged lightly on the cigarette and smiled kindly. He pulled it from her fingers and used it himself.
"And how long have you and I been me and you?" he asked. She turned back to the counter.
"Since this September."
"And it's been wonderful, no?" he asked, leaning against her and nuzzling into her neck.
She laughed and dragged on the cigarette, "Alright, I guess."
He let his head drop against hers, their dark colored hair mixing.
"I want you to open your present now," he said quietly. Her hand froze for only an instant before she continued to chop up the turkey.
"Not now, Sirius."
He persisted.
"Natalie will be calling in a second, I know it. And she-she'll want to go out for dinner," she stuttered as she detached herself from him. She wiped her hands on her apron as she stepped away and she moved across his little apartment. Sometimes she thought that Sirius only kept her to cook for him. And to clean. And to make out.
Sometimes she hoped that was it.
"Audrey, please-" he said, following her. She glanced over him- him in his pressed black slacks, dark green dress shirt (sleeves pushed up to his elbows), hair even darker and shaggier and longer than hers. His hopeless puppy eyes that he could work over any girl with.
Her head gave a faint shake and she sank against the counter. The phone rang suddenly. Sirius moved to answer but she held up her hand.
"Let the machine."
They were both silent as it rang once. Twice. Again. Again. There was a click and Audrey's voice came on.
"Hello, this is Sirius' house. He's can't come to the phone. He can never come to the phone. Leave a message at the beep."
There was another click and a voice came on. It was soft and fluttery.
"Hi, Sirius, it's Natalie-"
Sirius scowled and Audrey grinned.
"If you're there, please pick up. I just wanted to tell you and Audrey that we were going to get cocktails in about an hour. Give me a ring. See you soon."
The phone went dead and Audrey crossed her arms. Sirius slid his hand on the back of his neck.
"I love how I've started answering your calls," he mumbled.
"Yeah, except you never actually answer them."
He smirked and she left her chin fall to her chest.
"I won't stay over tomorrow night."
"Au-" he held out his arms.
"No, darling," she shook her head. "I'm going to go home tomorrow night after we visit the Potters. And then I'm going to stay there until school starts."
"Audrey- honestly, you're being ridiculous!" he cried.
"It's for the best, Sirius," she mumbled. "I want to spend some time with Natalie for a week or so."
"Why?" he said under his breath.
Her breathing stopped.
"Because she's my best friend, Sirius."
"I know, Audrey. I didn't mean that."
She stood from her leaning position and went to the bedroom, "You wouldn't have said it if you hadn't meant it."
"Audrey!" he shouted.
"I'll powder my nose and then we can leave. Call Nat's cell and get the address of the restaurant ."
She shut the door behind her.
lllll
"Hello?"
"Hey, Scout."
Natalie smiled into the phone and relaxed into her sofa. The television spoke on its merry way.
"Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to."
"Hello, Sirius," she said with a sigh.
"What are you up to?" he said. She could hear the tense tone of his voice.
"Watching the telly."
"Miracle on 34th Street?"
"How'd you know?" she laughed, watching the black and white film.
"Wizard's intuition."
"Naturally," she laughed. "Where's Audrey?"
He went silent but only for a moment, "Oh, she's in the bathroom. Getting ready. Shouldn't you be?"
She laughed, sipping her eggnog, "What's that supposed to mean?"
He laughed in full spirit, "I suppose girls as lovely as you two don't need to get ready for silly little dinners with their boyfriends."
She smiled, "No, we do, it's just Remus is in the lou as well."
"Ah!" Sirius said, falling to the couch and flipping on the television that Audrey has forced him to buy. Miracle on 34th Street popped on.
"I don't particularly enjoy this movie," he said.
"Why not?" she cried.
"I'm not sure," he said. "It always made me rather angry."
"What do you mean 'always'? You didn't discover the telly until this summer!" she laughed.
He smirked, "Yes, I was wondering if you would catch that one."
Her laugh lulled. Sirius sighed.
"Where do you want to go tonight?"
She shrugged, "I don't know- oh, wait, here comes Remus."
"Hmm," he said. He heard distant speech, a laugh, a sigh and another laugh before she came back.
"Sirius?"
"Yes, Natalie," he swallowed.
"How about Cafe de Paris?" she asked as Remus Lupin sank onto the couch next to her.
"Snore," Sirius sighed.
"Embassy?"
"Too snotty."
"Kingly Club?" she asked.
"Kingly Club," he repeated.
"Not Kingly Club!" Audrey said returning from the other room. "Their champagne is horrid."
"Not Kingly Club," Remus said to Natalie. "It's too difficult to get in."
At the same moment both Sirius and Natalie mumbled, "No Kingly Club."
She sighed, "Our house it is."
"Your house it is."
"See you soon," she nodded.
"Cheers."
lllll
Natalie hung up her phone and leaned back into Remus. She smiled into his blue eyes and he ran a hand on her cheek.
"Merry Christmas, darling."
She smiled, "Thanks, Remus."
Their eyes locked a moment, his blue contrasting with her brown. He sighed and stood.
"I'll get the ice."
"I'll call James," she frowned as he walked away. He always walked away.
lllll
"Are we going to Kingly Club?" Audrey asked, fluffing her hair in the hall mirror.
"No," Sirius said, following suit. "We're going over to Natalie's place."
"Ah," she said. "Are we ready?"
He stared at their tiny green Christmas tree with about twenty packages underneath. There was one for Lily, one for James, one for Peter, one for Remus, one for Natalie, one for the Potters, and the rest were divided among Sirius and Audrey. He eyed the tiny one hidden in the back- one he was certain that Audrey hadn't seen.
"Sure," he nodded, still staring. "I'll meet you downstairs. I need to get something."
"Alright," she said, shrugging on her jacket.
He heard the click of the door and went to the window. He opened it up, ignoring the snow. He prayed that she'd wait for him inside.
He reached into a little bowl of pebbles that was on the window sill. He drew out a tiny stone and hurdled it at the window across the street. Nothing happened. He tried again. There was a long wait before someone came to the window.
"What the hell are you doing, Sirius?" he heard her say.
"Lily, I need a favor."
The red head smiled, her grass colored eyes glistening.
"You're such a little boy."
"Yes, I know. Please, hurry."
"Why didn't you just call?" she asked, turning and calling to James in the his apartment that "coincidentally" wound up across from his own.
"Lily, hurry!"
James immediately appeared, "Padfoot, are you dying?"
"No. Listen, it's not happening."
"What! Why?" James asked, his dark eyebrows that matched his messy hair furrowing.
"With Audrey. Not..." Sirius trailed off. "Not tonight. Not now."
James' eyes widened.
"Oh. Listen, mate-"
"I just wanted to let you know, so you wouldn't you know, say anything or congratulate or-"
"No, I understood."
Sirius couldn't lift his head, "Shit, it's cold."
"Yeah, mate."
"Well, she's downstairs. Um, did Nat call?"
"Yeah. Lily's doing her hair. We'll be downstairs in a minute."
"Right."
"See you in a minute?"
"Sure."
"I'm sor-"
But before he could finish, Sirius let the window slam shut. He hurried to the coat rack and pulled off his deep black jacket. He hurried downstairs and stopped when he saw Audrey.
She turned and smiled, really smiled, at him.
"Ready?" she asked.
Sirius couldn't help but smile. He looked into her hazel eyes. Eyes he trusted. Eyes he memorized. Eyes he adored.
"Sure."
lllll
Ping...ping...ping...
Sirius brushed a finger over Audrey's. He traced wear a ring would fit. As Natalie Bradshaw's front door opened, he pulled his hand away.
"Evening, Moony," Audrey said as Remus gave her a stiff hug and she patted his back.
"Hello, Audrey. How have you been?" Remus asked, glancing at Sirius. His eyes remained hopeful. But the emotion was lost when he saw the bland lack of spirit in Sirius' eyes.
"Lovely," Audrey said as she wandered in Natalie's flat. Natalie appeared from behind the hall and let out a grin. Audrey called Natalie's smile "that of Audrey Hepburn". Sirius gave her a pure smile and she gave him a hug.
"Did I get pretty enough for the likes of you?" she laughed.
"Certainly, Scout," he nodded, handing her off to Remus. He gave Natalie a flicker of a stare. She was short, about 5'3- very slim but not ridiculously so like Audrey. Her hair was chestnut and fell to the middle of her neck. Her face was soft and round and large brown doe eyes were her dominant feature. Aside from her stunning smile. Silently, Sirius has always thought she was prettier than Audrey. He wondered how a soft spoken fellow like Remus ended up with her.
"Shall we dine?" she asked, her eyes shining with happiness.
"What about Lily and James?" Audrey asked, removing her coat.
"Lily was detained. Something about her hair and rocks," Natalie sighed, taking both Sirius and Audrey's coats.
"I'll take these to the bedroom," Remus smiled at Natalie. She nodded and gave a loving look after him. She turned back to Audrey and Sirius. Audrey wandered off to the balcony to have a smoke. Sirius glanced into Natalie's eyes. He smiled but it wasn't real. She adverted her eyes down.
"You look nice," he nodded. She laughed humorlessly.
"You think?" she said, smoothing out her dress. It was green and flared, similar to Audrey's, She wore red heels and her hair falling down.
He loved it when her hair fell down.
"Certainly."
She watched him another second. The doorbell rang and they heard Lily scolding.
"Look at your shirt, James!"
"Hm?"
"Ketchup? Please, James."
Neither of them moved. Remus came from the bedroom and unlatched the door.
"Moony!" James shouted, giving him a hug. Lily followed.
"Hello, Remus," she said sweetly.
"Lily," he nodded, giving her the same treatment he gave Audrey. James came to Sirius and Natalie. He gave her an affectionate pat on the back before turning to Audrey who entered.
"Looking lovely, ladies," he said. Everyone adjusted and handed attire to Remus. Natalie cleared her throat.
"I'm going to mix the drinks," she declared.
"I'll help!" Lily and Audrey offered.
"No!" both Sirius and Natalie said, hotly. Natalie cleared her throat again, "Everyone knows Sirius makes the best drinks. After all, he was the first to drink."
He nodded, hurriedly, "Exactly."
Everyone went back to chatting over clothes and weather and the disappearance of Peter. Natalie and Sirius moved to the kitchen together. Together.
She watched him as she handed him the martini shaker. He never walked away.
lllll
"James! I can't wait to meet your mother!" Audrey smiled, nodding kindly to him. He grinned as he sipped his drink.
"She can't wait to meet any of you," he nodded, sitting on Natalie's couch. "I mean, we six have practically been living together this break and are certainly inseparable during school."
"Cheers to that," Natalie said, sliding into a spot next to Remus.
"Well," Lily said with a knowing smile. "My mother insists that we have to visit at my house next Christmas."
"I don't think she could handle Sirius," James laughed.
"I don't think many people can," Lily agreed with a laugh.
He smiled and nodded, "There's the truth."
James stared into his drink a moment.
"First time I drank..." he paused. Sirius laughed loudly and Remus blushed. "I was with the boys. The roof... the day we pulled the prank on Syltherins by turning their hair pink-"
"Oh, I'd forgotten that one!" Natalie giggled, her head falling against Remus'.
"Yeah, and so we reasoned we deserved a treat. Sirius took out a huge favor from the house elves-"
"I don't think any of you realize what I had to do for this stuff," he sighed. "I'm positive that it was morally and legally disturbing."
They all laughed.
"I remember Peter fell asleep before he even tried any," Remus smiled.
"And you refused!" Sirius shouted, laughing and leaning up to point at him, accusingly.
Remus held his hands up in protest, "So sorry, mate."
Natalie, Audrey, and Lily all laughed. Natalie reached over and turned on her music player.
"Christ, you're such a Muggle, Scout," Sirius laughed. "One day it's going to catch up with you."
She squished her nose and shook her head, "Sure, sure."
"First time I ever drank," Audrey said, crossing one of her legs. "I was fourteen and I stole a bottle of my mom's something or other. I don't even remember what it was," she smiled. "I know there was a lot of it."
He laughed and Lily turned to Natalie, "And you?"
She smiled, "Please, no. It's not even important."
"Come on, now, Nat!" Audrey said. "Even I don't know and we've been best friends since first year."
"I know," Sirius said off-handedly.
"Shut up!" she laughed. "And you do not."
"Do, too," he spat. "I was there. I gave it to you, Natalie."
"You did not!"
"It was after the huge Gryffindor vs. Slytherin gave and we crushed their asses-"
"Hell yes!" James punched the air and Lily rolled her eyes and hit him in the chest.
"And I went to get the um, beverages. On my way back, I ran into Miss Bradshaw and we had a drink."
"How do you know that was my first time?" she asked, grudgingly.
"You can tell."
She gave him a sour look and he winked.
"I can tell"
"Well," she rolled her eyes. "Do they know the real reason you were wandering up and down the halls with a case of firewhiskey?"
Sirius' jaw locked.
"No."
"That damned Charlotte Hannigan-"
"Natalie!"
"Charlotte? Charlotte the Harlot?" Audrey snorted over her drink. "You were with Charlotte?"
"For a second!" Sirius insisted.
"Three months!" Lily interrupted.
"Not quite," Remus observed. All three girls gave him a challenging look that made him shut his mouth.
"Well, none of that matters," Sirius shook his head. "Is comes down to it that I was there, Natalie, when you lost your alcoholic virginity."
"Yeah, yeah," she gagged.
Suddenly, there was a bing from the other room. Natalie stood, "That's the cookies. Does any one want a refill?"
James, Audrey and Sirius offered their glasses. Remus stood, "I'll help."
They walked into the kitchen, the voices of their friends following as they chatted about other "firsts".
"What did James have?" Remus asked, glancing at the glasses.
"Oh," she said, hurrying over to the oven and bending over. She pulled the pan from the oven and gave a smile.
"They're perfect."
Remus laughed and poured the drinks. Natalie continued to take the cookies off the try and set them on a green plate.
"Audrey mentioned that she might come back tomorrow night," Natalie observed.
Remus scowled, "You mean I have to go back to that."
"Aw," she laughed, moving over to him. She relaxed into his arms. "Yes, you must go back to that."
They were quiet a moment before he finally said, running a hand down her back, "I'll miss you."
"Remus! Come tell them about your first cigar!" Sirius shouted from the other room. Remus shoulders fell and he shook his head against Natalie's.
She placed a soft yet genuine kiss on his lips and pulled him back into the living room.
Remus collapsed back into his seat and Natalie followed suit. Audrey smiled up at them.
"You guys are cute," she mentioned. "Stay together. Get married. Have little babies."
Natalie laughed and Remus gave a lopsided grin. Sirius thought of little baby werewolf cubs and gave a fond smile. Natalie lifted her eyebrow.
"What're you grinning about?"
Sirius sipped his drink, "The thought of Moony as a dad. Mildly disturbing. Poor runts."
They all laughed and Audrey relaxed into Sirius' arms. The sound of Bing Crosby crooning in the background of Natalie's little flat silenced them all. James fiddled with Lily's hair and she rested her hand on his knee. Remus had his arm around Natalie and there hands were linked. Audrey rested her head near Sirius' neck.
Sirius watched Remus and James smile contently at their individual loves. He felt a stab of jealousy as he pictured the small gift lurking behind the Christmas tree. The gift he had boughten at Anne's Jeweler's. The gift that had cost him practically every dime he owned.
They had only been "officially" dating for three months. He had been with her since he had broken up with his last girlfriend, Ethne. He had honestly been thinking of Audrey for years. However, he never thought he would be proposing. Three months. James had called him bonkers. Remus said he was raving and immature and not ready. Lily laughed. And then she realized he was serious and turned it into a cough.
He whispered tiredly into Audrey's ear.
"Promise me?"
"Hm?" she asked.
"Promise me you won't ever leave."
"Ever?" she laughed.
He caught her in a kiss and pulled away.
"Ever."
Her gaze connected with his and he locked their eyes together. Suddenly her brow furrowed and she licked her lips a bit.
"Are you saying you... you want to-" she said so quietly he wasn't sure if he heard it. But he knew he read it in her partially separated lips, round eyes, and flushed face.
"Yes. I love you, Audrey. So much."
She cleared her throat, "Three months, Sirius. We've only... we're just-"
"My God, Audrey. You know it feels right."
She swallowed and brushed her hair out of her face.
"I will never leave you, Sirius."
That night, Sirius Black realized he did not love Audrey Prescott like he wanted to. He decided he would never feel for her like he should. But he needed her. He needed the comfort of her and tolerance and rarity. She was a once in a lifetime occurrence. And he needed that to last.
lllll
"I'm leaving, Sirius."
There was nothing but the sound of the heavy breathing and the sniffling of two very exhausted and unhappy souls.
"And I mean it. I'm just too tired. You know I love you. But I am just too..."
Sirius pressed his wrists into his eyes to stop the tears from leaking out. He swallowed and he was sure it was so loud that Dumbledore could hear it back at Hogwarts.
She sighed, "Can't you say something?"
He heard her waiting. He heard her turn and walk to his bedroom. He heard her pack everything that was hers and zip the suitcase. He heard her scream things that she didn't really scream. He heard her sob silently. He heard her lift the bag, stand before him, reach out to smooth a hand over his head. He heard her change her mind and walk out. He heard his heart snap.
Finally he lifted his head. The crumbled balls of wrapping paper remained. The box with the ring remained. The thick silence remained and the unwept tears as well. He coughed once and stood. He bent over and picked up a balled up piece of paper. He let it fall limply to the ground. He moved to the window and peered out. It was snowing heavily. He saw her at the corner lamp post, hailing a cab to Natalie's. He turned back and saw the ring, glistening at him. Mocking. He leaned down slowly and lifted it off the table.
Moments later, the mirror by the door was shattered, the box with the ring in the center of the glass shards.
After, he was out the door, a cigarette in his lips as well as the hatred of women and their awful deeds. All he wanted was to not think of Audrey Prescott. All he wanted was to never have another women break his heart. All he wanted was to admit that he was lying to himself and to visit the only person who knew what to tell him.
But he couldn't. Because he supposed, at the moment, the women he just proposed to as well as his best mate who happened to be a werewolf were speaking to her of the lunatic that had just proposed.
Sirius let his cigarette fall in the ground. Well, he thought, Happy Christmas.
lllll
"Yeah?"
"Sirius! Where the hell have you been?"
"Scout?"
"Yes! Where have you been, Sirius?"
"How did you find me?"
"We've been calling ever bar in town! Come home immediately!"
"Who?"
"Me and James and Remus and Lily. Peter helped a while but he had to go out."
"Where's Audrey?"
"That's what we were going to ask you!"
"You know, Scout, I've always found your angry voice very sexy."
"Merlin, you're pissed."
"Sexy... sexy, sexy Natalie. Natalie "The Sexy One" Bradshaw. That's you."
"Sirius! Honestly!"
"We're a sexy bunch. My sexy hair. So sexy. And James is sexy. Sexy like Lily. Damn, can she be sexy. But not my sexy. James is too silly to be my sexy. Hell even Remus is sexy with his damned books. Smart sexy. And then there's you. Wow, are you sexy..."
"Are you finished?"
"No, I'm thinking about how sexy you are."
"Black!"
"I am hanging up on this ridiculous and very unsexy Muggle telephone, Sexy Natalie."
"Si-"
"Goodbye, love."
lllll
Natalie Bradshaw was exhausted of the color navy. And khaki. Especially khaki. She folded the pair of pants and slid them into the drawer. She sank onto the bed. She could never marry a man with so many pairs of khaki pants. No matter how much she loved him.
She needed to think. She reached into her own drawer and pulled out a set of work out clothes. She immediately changed and went into the kitchen.
"Remus-"
"Out in a minute!" he called from the lou. She fell onto the couch to wait. She flipped on her telly.
"-and a full moon tonight with a low of 8 degrees and high of 22. Better bundle up there-"
"Hello, my dear," Remus came out.
She gave a fond smile, "Ello, there."
"Where are you off to?"
"A quick run. Need to clear my head a bit."
He smiled deeply, "Right. I'm going to have a lie down before I head home to wait for Sirius. Back soon?"
She nodded, "Sure."
He kissed her forehead and went back to the bedroom.
She was off.
lllll
He stepped his foot onto the pavement. He stumbled a little but regained himself. He could always handle liquor. Always.
He made his way home, his stench lurking with every step. A different bar every night for the past three nights. The train for Hogwarts was leaving the day after tomorrow and he hadn't spoken to his friends since Natalie found him.
He knew he had to go home. He vaguely thought of seeing Audrey at school. Then, he promptly turned to the gutter on the side of the street and barfed. Then he moved towards the park. The park where he had first told Audrey he loved her. He threw up again.
After nodding to a young girl of about eight staring at him, he wiped his mouth and turned to a newspaper stand a few steps away. He purchased a Muggle chocolate bar before turning in the direction of his flat.
"Mister?" the young girl said.
"What?" he asked hoarsely. She has sandy blonde hair and a smashed little nose. She looked a bit like Remus. The memories of a full moon and something very urgent that he was supposed to do came to his mind. He shook his head, ignoring it entirely.
"Are you... alright?"
"Didn't your mummy ever tell you to not speak to scary men with black overcoats throwing up in street and buying candy?"
She thought a moment, as if remembering, and then shook her head, "No, sir."
He nodded, "Well, don't. They only lead to trouble."
"You're trouble?" she asked.
He sighed and glanced at the little girl. She gave him a worried stare.
"How old are you?" she questioned. He sighed and sank onto a bench.
"Seventeen."
"You look older," she nodded. "And you smell like... vegetable oil."
"How old are you?" he accused.
"Nine and one week."
"You look younger," Sirius said. "And you smell like the inside of a cabinet."
She stared at him, bewildered, "Do I?
He smiled.
"No."
She let out a giggle before sitting onto the bench next to him.
"My mommy- she works just across the street there- at Landry's, the diner."
"Nice tea they've got," Sirius lied.
"I like their pie," she nodded, kicking her feet. After a moment, she went on, "So, my fake name is Judith. My mommy tells me to never give out my real name."
"It's a nice name," Sirius observed. "I snogged a girl named Judy in a broom closet once."
At first, "Judith" looked horrified, but then she giggled madly. Sirius laughed as well.
Judith glanced up at him before staring at her shoes.
"Have you kissed a lot of girls?"
Sirius barked out a laugh, "Wow. Well, uh, I... yes. Why yes, I have."
"Do you have a girlfriend, mister?" little Judith asked.
Sirius shook his head, "No anymore. She left me."
"Is that why you look so terrible?" she smiled.
He lifted his head up, the freezing air hitting his eyes.
"I suppose so."
"Was she pretty?"
"Very."
"What was her name?"
"Audrey," he mumbled. "Tall as me, hair darker than mine... almost as beautiful as me."
Judith laughed loudly, Sirius joining her a bit.
"What's your name?"
He smiled, "Sirius."
She nodded, "Though you don't have to tell me your real name, since I didn't tell you mine."
"No," he said. "My name is Sirius."
Her mouth fell open.
"Cool!"
He laughed and was about to go on when he heard a shout and felt a blow to the head.
"What the hell are you doing here!"
He grabbed his head and turned around to see a very fierce and challenging looking Natalie standing before him.
"Scout! What're y-"
"Don't you call me 'Scout'!" she spat.
"Are you the one who broke his heart?" little Judith asked.
"Of course not!" Natalie shook her head. "And who are you?"
"Annie," she said.
"But you said you're name was Judith!"
"Oh, I make up a new name for every stranger."
Sirius sighed, "Go on, Judith. It was lovely meeting you."
"You as well," she smiled and hopped off the bench, skipping to the diner.
"Ugh," Natalie sighed. "You smell horrid."
"Well, thank you, Natalie, because my week hasn't been wonderful enough!" he shouted.
She looked as though she wanted to laugh, but frowned instead. She moved to sit next to him on the bench. He clenched the ends of the bench and kept his face away from her.
"You deserve it," she mumbled. He turned to look at her as though he would strike her.
"Well, you do," she insisted. "It's what happens when you propose to someone that you don't love."
He felt bile in his throat and his hands became shaky and his vision blurred with tears. This was at the mere mention of love.
"How dare you imply that you know what I feel, Natalie," he hissed. "You have no idea. You don't understand any of it. Not what I felt for Audrey, not what I didn't feel for Audrey. You don't even realize how you feel about Remus!"
"Sirius-" she defended.
"Honestly, do you even really know Remus? There are so many things that you-"
"I know a hell of a lot more than you do, Sirius," she shouted. He grabbed her shoulders and faced her towards him.
"You don't."
"He's told me. He's told me everything. I know how you treat him. I know that neither you nor James treat him with the respect he deserves. You're not fair to him, Sirius."
"If you even knew what James and Peter and I have sacrificed for Remu-"
"And you do-"
"And I am happy with the sacrifice, Natalie!" he shouted, laughing. "I wouldn't change anything. I love them all. And I love you and Lily. And I did love Audrey. I do. I just..." he lulled off and vaguely shook his head.
She took his hand, "People still need you, Sirius."
He mocked, "Like who?"
"James! Lil-"
He rounded on her, "They've got each other, Scout. You and Remus have each other. You care about each other-"
"No," she whispered. "Remus needs you more than he needs me."
She really looked into his eyes which told him everything that Natalie really knew, "Days like this, Remus needs you."
"Let's go," he whispered, hopelessly. "Nights like this, Remus needs me."
1977- First Day Back- Hogwarts
"You look bored."
He pushed his head harder against the glass window, "I am bored, idiot."
"Why don't you read something?" Remus volunteered tiredly, though the anguish did not come from the persistent dullness of Sirius, but the days before. He felt exhausted for days after. "You know, with a book? Eyes, taking in the words?"
Sirius gave him a sarcastic smile before a very sarcastic finger gesture. Natalie glared and rose from her seat.
"He's just trying to help, Sirius. No need to be an ass. I'm getting a drink. Want anything?"
James and Lily were currently off doing what James and Lily did together. Remus, Natalie, Sirius and Peter all lounged together in the common room which was deserted aside from them.
"I'll take something!" Peter announced, nodding.
"What, Peter?" she asked.
He shrugged, "Whatever. Anything."
She nodded, "Right. Sirius? Remus?"
Remus shook his head and kept his eyes to the page. She knew he wasn't reading anything there. He couldn't take it in. He couldn't memorize or analyze it. The wave of exhaustion hitting him was too powerful. She gave him a fond pat on the head and moved to leave. Sirius followed.
"Get me out of this hell," he mumbled.
They walked together the length of the halls. She punched him in the arm.
"Not so bad, eh?" she asked. "I mean, being back."
He gently shoved her back.
"Yeah," he said. "It's pretty damn bad."
"Come on, now, Sirius-"
"Listen, Scout," he smiled in a fake manner, "I appreciate the time you take to make me feel better. I do. But," his voice went soft and it was the first time Natalie could ever remember Sirius in all seriousness. "I can't pretend that it is alright. And I can't..." he paused. "Talk about it with you, of all people."
The small pats of her feet jolted and Sirius halted, without peering at her.
"Nat, you're her best friend," he rationalized.
"And I'm also you're friend, Sirius," she said, her voice thick and hostile.
"But-"
"No! What would you have me do?" she spat. "Ignore you? Shun you? Forget you?"
"So, what you are saying is that, you would sacrifice what friendship you have with Audrey, just for me?
"No," she argued. Sirius' heart panged. "What I am saying is that, both of you are being completely pig-headed and self-centered and, while you both are always like that, this time, you're against each other."
He looked up through his falling hair.
"And that, Sirius Black, is your problem."
She moved on, away from him, her hair swaying and her arms swinging furiously.
"What, Scout? That-that-that I'm too pig-headed? Selfish?" he yelled.
She spun around, prepared to yell, but paused. Calmly, she went on, "No. You will never come to the terms that some things aren't meant to be fought over."
"You're saying that love isn't meant to be fought over, Natalie? Look at Helen of Troy? Romeo and Juliet? Iklene and Trotend?"
"Who?" she asked, baffled.
He shook his head, "Muggle."
She gave an aggravated shake, "No, Sirius! I'm not... I mean that sometimes, letting other people win, compromising, God, sharing- that's all apart of love. But you will never get that, because the only person that you love enough to let win is yourself."
He watched her walk away- a short, pouty, fun loving, adorable brunette that was in love with his best friend. A girl who had just told him everything he already knew and everything he needed to hear.
He yawned, turned around and walked back to the common room to nap.