"And your will to live, you should be dead." Oliver looked at Tatsu, unwilling to discuss the drive that keep him breathing, the force behind his survival. He turned back to the bed and sat down.
"I heard you in your sleep, mumbling, she must be very special," Tatsu said sitting down next to him. "You have come very far, Oliver, from the man that invaded my home so many years ago."
Oliver sat silently on the bed; he didn't want to think about all the events that led him to this moment in his life. A part of him wished for a normal life, for the time before the boat but he also know that those experiences wouldn't have made him the man he was today, the man she loved. He shook his head to remove her from his mind, no distractions, he had to heal to be ready for the next move.
"Oliver," he felt Tatsu's hand on his arm, "the fact that you are sitting here in front of me, alive, is remarkable. A man doesn't not simply walk away from Ra's al Ghul; believe me I know. What is it that drives you? Where do you find such strength to continue after being run through with a sword?" Tatsu's eyes were filled with tears and Oliver knew now that they were not talking about him. She turned away ashamed and Oliver placed his hand on her leg.
"There are people waiting for me and my city. I cannot fail them," he responded honestly. With that Tatsu got up and walked away, pulling the curtain closed on the part of the cottage Oliver was staying in.
"You should get some sleep Oliver, you need your rest." She didn't say another word as she placed a bowl beside his bed and left again. Oliver knew whatever was bothering her would have to wait for another time. From all his time with her in Hong Kong, he learned one thing, she was a prideful woman who did not easily trust, something he shared with her.
Oliver laid his head down, after drinking his herbs, and immediately fell into a dream again, finding himself back in the very city he left only a few days ago.
He walked down the steps of the foundry to find the entire gang at the bottom, waiting for him. "Oliver, we are so glad you are back! We've been worried about you!" Roy shouted as he wrapped Oliver up in a hug. "Oliver, you scared the crap out of us, don't do that again! I was about to fly to Nana Parbat to get you back myself," Diggle said, clapping him on the shoulder. The only person that didn't respond was sitting in her chair, back to them. He could see her body shaking with the silent tears he knew would be running down her face.
"John, Roy can you give us a moment?" Oliver asked quietly. The guys shared a knowing smile and turned to head up the stairs. Oliver made his way over to Felicity, watching her quickly wipe her cheeks and turn toward him. "Glad you're back, I was getting worried there." She stood up and Oliver closed the distance between the two quickly and wrapped her up in a hug. "Felicity. It's good to be back." He said while taking in her scent. The whole world fell into place when she was in his arms. He leaned back to see her eyes filled with tears again, "Felicity, what's wrong? I'm here, I made it."
"Oliver, we thought you were dead, I was so worried, I could barely breath when we didn't hear from you, I just laid in bed at night thinking of you…I mean thinking of not touching you again, ugh I mean thinking of how you would never touch me again, 3….2….1 ugh I'm so bad at this, I-" Oliver cut her off by pulling her back into a hug, her rambling was something that he didn't even realized he missed.
"I'm glad to see you again too Felicity," Oliver said, planting a kiss on her forehead. He felt her exhale onto his throat and his body tensed at her warm breath. "Felicity, there's something I need to tell you. Something I realized on the mountain. I realized I-"
Just as he was going to tell her how much he loved her, he saw something dribble out of her mouth, blood. He pulled away to see a knife in her stomach in the identical spot Ra's stabbed him. "It's because you love me Oliver, he was never going to let me live." Felicity crumbled on the floor in front of him, as Oliver screamed her name.
He sat up in bed, the same scream tearing out of him and re-opening his wound. Tatsu quickly ran to his side, grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to lie back down, showing just how weak he was from his fight. He tried to fight her but she held him down until his breathing slowed.
"Felicity, Felicity….." he murmured as he passed back out. Tatsu quickly stitched him back up while he was unconscious and held his hand. A few minutes later, Oliver opened his eyes and looked around as if he didn't know where he was.
"Oliver, you must rest. These dreams you keep having, who is this Felicity?" Tatsu asked, seeing his eyes cloud over with pain the minute she said her name.
"She's, from back home. A friend, like Maseo once was. How do you know her name?"
"You've woken up twice now, once muttering her name, once screaming it. Oliver Queen, I may be a lot of things but I'm not a fool. She is much more than a friend. Who is this woman?" Oliver tensed, not one to ever talk about his feelings.
"She's, well, it's complicated. The line of work that I'm in, the things I do, it doesn't allow for me to get close to anyone I care about. It would end badly, I-"
"Fool. Is that what you think? Oliver, anyone connected to you, friend or more, is in danger because of who you are. The danger doesn't lessen because you keep your distance from them," Tatsu saw that stubborn boy again from so many years ago. "You are dumber than I thought Oliver Queen."
Oliver bristled, not used to being argued with, "Tatsu, I tried. I let my guard down and let Oliver Queen have a day and you know what happened? I almost got her killed, my choice to become distracted almost cost her her life. Is that worth the satisfaction of being happy when the one thing that causes that would be gone? No, it's better that I keep my distance, I'm no good for her. What can I offer her except a world of pain and death!"
Tatsu let out a heavy breath, "And what is her life now? Did she quit helping you since you kept your space? No. Did you fire the rocket into that restaurant? No. Do you want to know what a life pining for another is like? Just look at mine, I left my home, travelled hundreds of miles into this mountain, to help a man I still slightly loathe, just for a glimpse of him. Do you know what would happen to me if Ra's found out I was here? It doesn't not matter that Maseo turned his back on me all those years ago, if Ra's ever found me I would be dead, because I meant something to Maseo once. You listen to me closely Oliver, you may think you are helping this girl but believe me, from someone who knows the other side of the love you have for her, it is more painful to sit and watch and wish than to be in danger."
"You are wrong Tatsu! If something happened to her because we were together I would never be able to live with myself. I can't be the reason she dies. I must keep her safe," Oliver shouted back at her.
"And you think that will keep your enemies from coming after her? From using her against you? I can make you one promise Oliver Queen, it will hurt more to lose her without her knowing how you truly feel than to lose her at all," Tatsu's eyes flashed with anger, Oliver beginning to feel for the woman in front of him.
"She does know how I feel, I've told her I love her but can't be with her. It's for her own good Tatsu. One day she will see that," Oliver said, catching his breath. His ribs were on fire but his need to be right numbed the pain.
"That may be true, but one day you will stop. The city won't need you or you won't be able to fight any longer and you will stop. You will turn and look for her and she won't be there. That is the day you will feel the true loss of her, the day you finally are able to give her what you have wanted to all these years and she will be gone. It will be worse than death Oliver, believe me, to watch the one you love but never get to hold them, touch them, or be with them. It would be much easier to love and lose her than to watch her walk away from you." With that Tatsu walked out of the room and Oliver began to get a feeling for what happened between the two he shared his cabin with.
Oliver woke later in the day to hear Tatsu weeping in the other room. He blocked out the sound, refusing to allow her to break down the walls he so expertly built. He rolled over, saw another bowl of herbs, drank it and closed his eyes, willing his mind to get lost in the endless wailing of the wind.
Oliver once again found himself at the top of the foundry stairs. He slowly, cautiously walked down them, not wanting to see the image of Felicity with a sword in her stomach again. He found just Roy and Diggle this time, the computer station empty. "Hey guys." They turned with shock on their faces. "Oliver, it's been a year, where have you been?" Both of them rushed to hug him, wrapping their arms around him tightly. Roy had tears in his eyes and Diggle was unable to speak.
"It's a very long story, one that involves a sword through the stomach, a lot of herbs, and a long walk home. I'm sorry I didn't call, I wasn't anywhere with a phone. What have I missed?"
Roy and Diggle both didn't make eye contact with him, he felt a heavy feeling in the room. "Seriously, what's going on?"
"Well, it's about Felicity." Oliver held his breath, assuming he was going to hear that she left the team, moved on with her life. "She, well we lost her in the field about a month ago." Roy broke down into sobs and Diggle grabbed his shoulder as tears ran down his face.
"How-what-tell me." Oliver said, all the breath leaving his body.
Diggle took a deep breath and began the story, "Well, we were out on a mission and it was all going wrong. The cameras she hacked into were blocked and they locked us out of our comms. All of a sudden, she could see everything that was happening, they looped the feed back to her. We were surrounded but she couldn't tell us. You know Felicity, always the worrier. She called Laurel and they hurried to the scene on your bike. Without even thinking, Felicity ran into the fight, screaming our names, before Laurel even stopped the bike. Laurel tried to catch her but it was too late. The guy, we didn't even know his name, grabbed her and with all of us held down, shot her in the head-" Diggle's voice broke at this point, unable to continue.
"He didn't even give us a chance to fight back. Then he let us go, he said it was punishment for what the Arrow did to his men so many years ago, the best revenge was to take her away like you took his son away. He didn't even know you weren't around, Diggle had been wearing your suit. We couldn't stop him and it happened right in front of us," Roy said, emotion flooding his voice.
Oliver crumbled to the ground, letting himself go as the world he lived in no longer held the light he once craved.
He opened his eyes and prayed he hadn't made a sound during that nightmare. He knew these were just in response to the conversations he and Tatsu had but they were still hard to experience.
"Another nightmare? Or another possible reality coming true? Oliver, you have always been stubborn, more so than I ever thought was possible for someone but you have to realize what you are doing is not going to work. Yes, you are holding her at arm's length so she will be safe but your enemies won't care what your label is. They will know you care for her and that will be enough. Why go through all that for no reason? When Maseo left, I….he….I begged him to stay for us but he was too weak. He said he couldn't live in a world where it was possible for someone to use me against him, like they did with-" her voice broke and Oliver put his arm around her. He knew the situation she was speaking of.
"He didn't fight for us, he chose to live the life you are dooming yourself too. A life alone filled with pain and heartbreak. If he had chosen me, we would have fought side by side and I believe he would not have joined Ra's. My husband would still be here if he had chosen to fight rather than give up. That is what you are doing, you are giving up."
"No I'm not! I'm fighting for her! Every night I go into that city to fight for her, to make it safer, in hopes that one day the city won't need the Arrow and I can be just Oliver Queen. That is the day I fight for, when I can take off the hood," he said with hope.
"What will be left of you when you do? There will be no Oliver Queen left for her if you continue to live as two separate men. You can not wear two masks Oliver Queen, you cannot be the Arrow yet set aside Oliver. This will result in Oliver disappearing. You must be the Arrow and Oliver, the man and the mask. You started it but you allowed him to take that away from you. I have been watching you Oliver Queen, curious to know where the man forced into my life went after Hong Kong.
I was scared for your soul when you first started this venture, first began to cross names off of your list. I watched as you killed man after man, leaving a piece of your soul behind. You set Oliver aside and became just the Vigilante, only living under that hood. Then one day, you did not kill. You allowed the police to finish the job and I wondered what changed. I saw you the next day and I knew instantly what had changed and her name was Felicity Smoak. You stopped killing for her and that was the day you allowed the Arrow AND Oliver Queen to exist.
I watched as you struggled at first, wanting to allow the hood to overpower you but finding a way to let the man shine through. Then he entered your city and began to strip away all that made you Oliver. I wanted to step in, to help you regain your balance but she was there. She kept you together. It was only when he killed your mother that I saw Oliver disappear. I saw you settle back into just the Hood although you tried to fool everyone. Oliver, you can be both, you have been both. You may think you defeated Slade, but he stripped away the part that she worked so hard to bring out in you. Don't let him win."
Again, Oliver found himself let alone in the room as Tatsu left to prepare his herbs for the day. His mind was racing, wondering how long she had been watching over him and why? He had been an instrumental part in the death of…no he would not allow his mind to go there. Those were some of the darkest times in his life, the times that he felt the farthest from Oliver Queen.
As he took his medicine for the night, he looked into her eyes and saw the raw emotion of a woman who had lost everything trying to keep him from following her path. "Sleep Oliver, let the dreams show you your true path."
Oliver slipped into a deep sleep, feeling the dreams pulling at him again as his body healed itself. His body was always quick to heal but his mind had been tested over and over throughout the years. It was the part of him that needed the most repairs.
This time he was in the mansion, watching the scene unfold that he held precious in his mind. He tried over and over to tell himself it was only to defeat Slade that he said those words that night but he knew it was so much more. As he watched himself push Felicity into the house, he felt something spark inside of him. Watching her face as he told her he needed her to stay here, safe, he realized all those times he wanted to lock her away to keep her whole. She fought him, saying she would rather be unsafe and with him than safe without. Something slid into place inside of him, watching the words tumble out of his mouth, the truest words he had ever said to her.
Slade had truly taken the wrong girl, Laurel was a part of his past, his time as Ollie, not Oliver. Felicity was his path now, his future. She was the one who held him together on his journey from the Hood to the Arrow. She was the path he walked to become the man he was. How had he not seen it before? Why did it take him almost losing his life, losing her to see that? What would he have done if he had died never telling her how much she actually meant to him? As he watched himself lean in for the kiss, the last piece of the wall he built crumbled. She was just as safe without him as she was with him. His place was at her side, she kept him more safe than he did her, reminding him of his humanity when he could no longer see it.
That moment he vowed, if he made it back home, he would no longer play this martyr game. Yes, he would still fight for the city, still be in danger, but he would fight every day to be Oliver and the Arrow.
His eyes opened and he felt the most peace inside of him since that dreadful day on the gambit. All the scars, the pain, the walls fell away as Oliver stepped into what he was meant to be. He sat up and connected with Tatsu, the realization in her eyes matching his.
"I finally got through to you then? I should have tried that mixture much sooner although you would not have been ready for it," a knowing smile crossing her face as she said this.
"You did this on purpose then? Those herbs weren't just for my side?" Oliver asked.
"Oliver Queen, we all know your body is capable from recovering from almost anything, one more scar won't hurt you. It was your mind that needed my help and I believe I have accomplished what I set out to do," Oliver limped over to her and placed his hands on both sides of her face.
"Tatsu, I have never told you how much I regret my part in the path your life took. I don't think I will ever be able to repay you," Oliver said, placing a kiss on her forehead and wrapping him up in her arms, grateful for this woman who had shown true strength in his life.
"Oliver, we cannot help the path life leads us down but we also cannot be blind to it. It was as much my fault and Maseo's as it was yours. I know that now. You have been a true friend to us and this was the least I could do for you. You were going to kill yourself at the rate you were going, you almost did if I hadn't intervened. Please, remember these words we shared whenever you are in doubt. You are an amazing man, Oliver Queen, even if it took me years to see it. I've already packed your things, knowing you might not stick around much after you woke up. Your herbs are in your pack, please continue to take them to keep the infection away, no more dream herbs."
Oliver let out a breath and grabbed his coat, "Thank you Tatsu. Home is waiting for me."
"Oliver, please be careful, Ra's men still scour the countryside looking for your body. They will not give up, you will not have seen the end of him. Be safe." With that Oliver turned and walked out of the shed.
This time when he walked down the foundry steps, he knew the dream had become a reality. He could hear them, her constant clicking on the keys, Diggle's grunt of frustration at something Roy said, and Laurel's voice as she argued with the men. He quietly stood at the bottom of the steps for a moment, waiting for them to notice him. They were so involved in their discussion. These were the people in his life that he knew he couldn't live without, the people that would constantly remind him of Oliver when he slipped too far into the Arrow.
He cleared his throat and all three heads turned his way, noticing how quick Diggle's hand went to his gun. The look of shock on all their faces made him smirk but he only had eyes for her. "Hi," was all he could say before Roy, Diggle, and Laurel wrapped them up in their arms.
"Hi? Really Oliver, that's all you have to say after being gone for almost a month?"
"Sorry guys, I didn't really have cell service in the land of the demon. But seriously, sword through the stomach, don't squeeze quite so hard." They all stepped away and saw that his eyes weren't even focused on them. Through the entire hug, his eyes never left hers as tears quietly streamed down her face.
Diggle took the cue and dragged Roy and Laurel up the stairs, "Let's go get some food. Oliver, feel like some Big Belly Burger?" When he didn't get a response, he turned around to see their eyes still locked and knew that the Arrow Cave was going to be out of commission for a while. He just hoped that brush with death set Oliver right in the head. All three left and neither Oliver nor Felicity moved until the door clicked shut at the top of the stairs.
"Hi." Oliver smirked at his complete lack for words. He had prepared a speech the entire trip back, the only thoughts in his mind during his truck, boat, and plane ride back to this very spot, this woman.
"Hi." For once, Felicity was as a lose for words too, unable to say anything as tears streamed down her face. Neither knew who moved first but all of a sudden they found themselves wrapped up in each other's arms, lips locked in the passion and love that had been ignored for too long.
Oliver wrapped his hand into her hair and the other around her back, pulling her to him. He had put this off for far too long, wondering what he would have done if he never got the chance to do this. He felt Felicity lean into him, deepening the kiss. Slowly they moved backward until he lifted her up onto the table, knees weakening when her legs wrapped around his waist. He disconnected from her lips and placed warm kisses down her face and neck before locking his lips with hers again.
When the tablet fell to the ground from their moment of passion, Felicity squeaked, unable to control her nerdiness to keep any technology safe. Oliver pulled away with a small laugh, enjoying the look of her hair tousled, lips swollen from his kisses. He slowly picked up the tablet, placed it on the table and put his forehead against hers.
"It looks undamaged. Hi." He breathed out staring into her eyes. Felicity was still speechless and Oliver realized this was his cue, the conversation they needed to have.
"Felicity, there are so many things I need to say to you-" he watched her face fall and felt her pull away slightly, eyes dropping from his.
"Yes I suppose there is, " she answered as she tried to detangle herself from his grip, misreading his statement as him pushing her away again.
Oliver tightened his grip, causing her to look into his eyes, "Felicity, you are going to want to stick around for this talk. A lot happened to me and we can get into it later but one thing that I did realize, I should have realized a long time ago is that I want to be with you. I know there will be danger, I will probably do and say some things I regret during those times when you are in danger, but you are in danger whether I am with you or not. I see that now. What I also see is that you are the one thing keeping me connected to Oliver. Before you, I was a vigilante out for revenge, slowly losing myself in each life I took. You showed me there was another way, that I could be a man and a hero. You made me into the Arrow and gave my life purpose. I have something to fight for now, a future with you, a future that is safe and a future when I can take off the hood and just be Oliver. Felicity," he said lifting her chin seeing more tears on her face, "I love you and I hope it isn't too late."
Her only response was to reach out and pull him toward her mouth into a kiss filled with love and hope. She gave him another small peck on the lips and pulled away smiling.
"I'm glad you finally came to your senses. I'm just sorry it took a mountain, a man, and a sword to make you realize it. Oliver, I know the dangers that come with being in your life but I wouldn't give it up for anything. I was nothing before I met you, you woke me up. I love you too."
They shared another tender kiss before they heard the door open and the gang slowly come down the stairs. "Is it safe to enter or is the arrow out of the quiver?" Roy asked with a snicker. "Ow!" Roy yelled from the swat in the back of the head Diggle gave him, "Watch it! Those arms could snap me in half!" "And don't you forget it before you make another idiotic comment like that. But seriously guys, can we come down?"
Oliver and Felicity giggled as their friends yelled down from the top, "Yes it is safe, as long as you don't mind a little hand holding. I don't plan on letting go any time soon."
As the gang sat down to eat, Felicity walked over and sent a quick message from her phone, one she knew the reader wouldn't see for a few days at least.
'Thank you for getting through to him. I owe you my world for getting him back to me safe and sound. You are welcome here anytime Tatsu.'
She sighed a happy sigh and turned to watch the group in front of her, Oliver turning to beckon her over to the table, a huge smile across his face. Felicity could get used to this.