Inspiration – That simple line from Final Fantasy VII that reveals that Tseng has feelings for 'the Ancient.' I took that back a few years to a Crisis Core era and ran with it a bit.
Music – Burdened One by Nobuo Uematsu (Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core soundtrack)
Thanks to - Aeris Hikari, for pointing out that Aerith has GREEN eyes, not blue! My mistake.
Disclaimer: Clearly, I do not own any of the characters or the basic plot line that this was loosely based off of. If I did – I wouldn't be spending my time writing stuff like this on here, now, would I?
I glanced around the slums, pausing outside the steps of the old church. A young boy that typically hung around the area smiled at me, recognizing my face – I seemed to have spent more and more time in the area as the years went on. I returned his friendly gesture with a slight smile myself, but I could muster no more. The past few days had been long and hard, and now came what might be the hardest part of all, for more reasons than one.
As the boy happily skipped away from me, pausing now and again to nudge at something in the dirt with his foot to be sure it was nothing of value that had fallen from the plate above, I reached my hand into the pocket of my trousers, my fingers encircling around a stack of papers loosely wrapped in string. I pulled them out to examine them – letters, each one was an individual letter written over a period of about four years. 88 of them, to be exact…all from the same source, expected to go to the same receiver. Neither of those was me, and yet, I was the one standing here holding them.
I am almost sad to admit that there were several times when I had been so tempted to read a few of the letters that I had gone so far as to open the seal before replacing it again. Almost sad. I could not help the feeling…because…they were written by Aerith Gainsborough. To the first and only person to my knowledge that the Ancient had ever had any sort of relationship with – SOLDIER First Class Zack Fair. Some level of love letters, I would assume…and the more time I spent watching the woman the more intrigued I had become, and the more I wanted to just read the words that she was writing to the other man…
No. Those were not the sort of thoughts that were appropriate – not for that moment, considering the circumstances of my visit, but also…not ever. My first priority had always been my loyalty to ShinRa, Inc., as a Turk, and I knew that one day – probably one day very soon, based on how things had been playing out in the company lately – ShinRa was going to demand Aerith herself, rather than just that she was kept safe. And when that day came, I was going to have to do my job, no matter how I felt. So those thoughts were not only inappropriate for that particular time, but they were inappropriate to have in general, and I quickly pushed them from my mind
Instead, I shoved the letters back into my pocket before slowly ascending the steps to the church, focusing on just how I was going to tell the girl what I had to – that Zack would not be coming back. Not this time. That he would never get those letters I had promised to deliver. Never. I hated the thought of being the one that would upset her, that I would be the one to see her cry…but it was also not something I would ever entrust to anyone else. And there were things that I needed to explain to her that were…less than appropriate for someone else from ShinRa to speak about, let alone even know about.
Again, I paused outside the doors to the church before actually going in, absently brushing off invisible dirt from my suit jacket before straightening it and pushing through the doors. It had been a while since I had actually been inside the building – I was not the only person that Zack had watching Aerith in his absence, though I was probably the most subtle. I had watched as another young SOLDIER often went to keep the girl company, and I knew about the rumors of Angeal returning to keep her safe. As such, I had little interaction with her, instead being the one always watching from around the corner, always there but never speaking. That had been my duty – not this. But this…this time it was different. Not the sort of Turk duty that is ever listed anywhere, or that one ever gets recognition for, but just what needs to be done anyway.
My eyes flicked quickly over the interior of the church before falling on the lone figure standing near the front, knelt over at the flowers. I noted her pink dress – it was a change that she had made in the past year or so, from the yellow one I had learned to recognize. I did not know the source behind the change, but I had noticed it all the same. I stood in the doorway a few moments, and once I saw that she did not turn, I slowly began to make my way down the center isle, hearing the sound of my shoes echoing eerily loud in the silence of the church. No matter how loud it was out in the slums, it always seemed so peaceful and quiet in the church – this time was no different, and I could not help but feel that the sound of my footsteps was so unnecessary, so…so rude. But again, it was something I could not help.
With as loud as my footsteps seemed, I did not believe it was possible that Aerith did not hear me – and yet, she still did not turn. She just kept working at the flowers, though her movements were slow, slower than normal. She did not seem to have her normal energy, her normal excitement that she usually showed when caring for those abominations to the rest of Midgar – those…impossibilities. Just like the rest of Aerith's person – such impossibilities…
No. Not those thoughts. Anyway, her change in demeanor brought concern to me instantly. Not just for her well-being, but for what I had come to say again. If she was already like this, how would she feel after she knew about Zack? And I would have to see that reaction – that reaction that I dreaded for more than just one reason. For several reasons, some much more selfish than others.
I stopped about a half a meter away from where she still remained kneeling at the flowers, standing directly behind her, my arms crossed over my chest, my eyes resting on her back. "Miss Gainsborough," I finally said her name – her formal name, I was not going to let her first name slip through my lips for fear of what that would mean, resigned that she was not going to acknowledge my presence on her own without a bit of encouragement.
"I already know what are have come to tell me," Aerith said softly, and I changed my earlier dislike for the quiet of the church to a thankfulness for it – otherwise, I would never have heard her words. "Unless, that is, I am wrong, and you have come to…to correct me." She finally slowly turned a bit, looking up over her shoulder at me, and the usual brightness that was always in her features, the brightness I always looked forward to seeing, was gone. It was replaced by a solemn stare, and her green eyes seemed empty.
I blinked a few times at her statement without saying anything myself. How could she already know…? But then, that was probably a ridiculous question. She was an Ancient, I should have expected her to know what had happened. Aerith always had seemed to know things that normal people would not, ever since she was young – she was so in tune with the world around her…and those were some of the reasons I knew that ShinRa would soon take her for, take away her freedom, use her for. Which was why I still needed to keep my thoughts at bay…
Instead of speaking, I instead withdrew the letters from my pocket once more, extending them towards her. "I will not be delivering these," I stated, keeping my voice level, trying to show no emotion over the situation. "I am sorry." Aerith slowly rose to her feet, and after a few moments reached out and took the stack of papers from my hand, her fingers brushing against mine for a moment – it had not been intentional, that I was certain of, so I tried to ignore the feeling of warmth that rushed from my fingertips all the way to my feet at the simple movement.
"I knew that one day he would leave, and…and that he would not come back, even though he always promised he would," Aerith then said, holding the letters to her chest for a moment as her gaze traveled up to the ceiling, looking at the overcast sky through the hole in the roof I would assume. How ironically appropriate it seemed that the sky would be such a shade of grey on a day like that day was. There was no sunshine to encourage us – or rather, to mock us, giving the fleeting feeling of happiness one gets when one stands in the sunshine for a few seconds, even when there is nothing to be happy about. Perhaps it was for the better that the sky was grey…or perhaps, not.
It was then that I had to make my decision about what I was going to tell the girl clad in pink that stood before me. Whatever I chose to say, my words would be forever off the record, known only to myself and Aerith, but the weight behind the decision was a great one. I knew that my words could shape the future, both in how Aerith thought, but also how she would react to ShinRa in the future. In my heart, I wanted to tell her the truth, if only because I believed that she deserved the truth.
And what was 'truth?' That Zack had been captured and contained by ShinRa, used in experiments that would be recorded, yet never made public even within the company, and when he had barely escaped with his life, he had been killed by that same company less than a kilometer from the city? What about the truth that I myself had sent Cissnei on an intense search with a few other Turks to attempt to find him before the rest of ShinRa did, to save his life…but for what purpose? Of course, I had liked Zack – even from the few missions we had gone on together in the past, or the short conversations we had shared in the ShinRa building, I had built up a respect and a like for the younger man, which was why I had first taken a special interest in watching Aerith.
But that was when I began to feel so…jealous for what he had, what I was certain he did not even realize he had. For all his good qualities, Zack also had an immature side, a side that, for a lack of a better description, could be considered 'scatter-brained,' and I often wondered if he honestly knew what he had in Aerith. I had watched the two of them interact together a few times, and their relationship seemed so…naïve, so innocent, brought on by a collision of their two personalities that also embodied those two adjectives. But I had little right to be jealous of the SOLDIER, and I did still like the boy, which is why I had attempted to save him – though I had failed.
But to tell Aerith these truths, that I had been unable to rescue Zack, and that he had been killed by ShinRa – those would be facts that would certainly drive her even further away from ShinRa than growing up in the Slums probably already had. And I would have to admit that I had failed at something straight to her face, which was not something I felt comfortable doing. Not to mention my actions would illustrate a small break-down within the structure of the company as two groups were doing two completely different things at the same time, which never illustrated stability. So even though I believed in my heart that Aerith deserved to learn the truth…I also knew it would not be productive for my job, nor could I bear telling her about my own personal failure.
And there was also the fact that I feared that in telling her the truth, that Zack had more than likely been trying to return to her side as he pushed towards Midgar in those final days…I would only be further cementing their relationship, and even with his death, she might only love him more. Selfishly, I did not want to chance that happening.
Thus, I set my face in an emotionless expression, keeping my eyes focused past Aerith's blank stare and onto the wall behind her, past those ridiculous flowers, past anything that might change my mind. I repeated over and over again in my head that, as a Turk, my first and only loyalty was to ShinRa, and I needed to do and say whatever would help the company the most, not things for my own gain. It was my own selfish way of justifying what I was about to say to Aerith, but at the same time…perhaps there was some truth behind it. I refused to let myself believe that I was doing this completely for covering my own reasons, but then, believing that was the only way I could get my mouth to open to speak.
"SOLDIER First Class Zack Fair is a traitor to ShinRa," I heard the words coming from my mouth, my tone blank and vague, but I felt like I had little control over what I was actually saying. I knew that if I put my mind into it, if I actually used my heart for once rather than just stifling how it felt, that I would ruin everything for the company, and that was not something I could afford to even consider doing in my position. "He will never be returning to Midgar, nor can I associate myself with him to deliver the letters. I am…sorry for your loss."
I risked flicking my gaze back to Aerith's, and the expression that I saw on her face was one of confusion more than sadness. That was when I was certain that she had been able to feel it when Zack had died…somehow, she had known it had happened. And yet, here I was, presenting her with conflicting data that did not say he was necessarily dead, but rather, a traitor to the ShinRa cause. Someone running from the law, perhaps, or wherever her imagination was likely to take her. I did not know if this would be harder or easier for her to understand and accept than the truth – I just hoped that it would not turn her away from ShinRa so much in the future as I knew the truth would have.
And I did not have to risk her emotions for Zack changing any further in a direction I did not want. Or so I believed, at least.
With that, I gave her a curt nod, realizing that she was not going to say anything to me –and why would she? I knew it was too much to expect her to say something, and if I had expected a kind word…well, this was far from the time. Whether she still believed what she had felt, or she believed my words, either would be hard for her to accept immediately, because both meant that she had lost Zack. Forever. As I turned away from her and began to walk towards the large double-doors of the church once more, one more statement popped into my mind, and again I felt like I had lost control of my tongue, because before I could stop it, the words, "I'm not sure if you ever realized it, but Zack was…a bit of a 'ladies' man' on top of the plate. A heartbreaker, if you will."
Where had those words even come from? Although I knew them to be true, they were not words that I had intended to ever share with Aerith but…was that my selfishness speaking again? Perhaps. Words like that could easily drive a stake between Aerith and Zack's innocent relationship, but considering Zack was dead – would it not have been better to let her have that memory untainted? And yet, the words had come from my mouth anyway, and I knew that as much as I wanted to tell myself that they had been against my will, that was not possible. I had meant to say those words, and I had meant for them to have a dark meaning for Aerith.
As I neared the doors to the church, I heard a soft thud behind me. I did not have to turn around to know it was the letters hitting the wooden floor of the church, and I did not give a second glance back. Instead, I just leaned my weight into the doors, heading back out onto the streets as my feet mechanically began to carry my body towards the train station. As the doors sealed behind me, I felt somewhat of a weight coming off of my shoulders. I had performed amazingly well – my lie had been faultless, and there was no one that could prove it otherwise that Aerith would ever meet, at least to my knowledge. I no longer had the incriminating letters in my possession. And Zack would never see Aerith again – though that part had not been of my doing, what had been my fault was that I was certain Aerith would never search for him, and never learn the truth.
Perhaps I should have felt guilty. But I didn't. For some dark and twisted reason…I didn't. Could it be my background and training as a Turk? Perhaps. Could it just be my jealous feelings finally coming to some sort of conclusion? Perhaps. Or was it just my selfishness taking over, and giving me a temporary euphoria? That feeling of standing in a patch of sunlight in an otherwise cloudy day?
…perhaps.
Author's Note – Not sure how I feel about that one other than relief that it is over. I think I went in over my head…but the result is not too disappointing I hope!