Ordinary Girl Chapter One: Huge Changes
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.
A/N: Major trigger warnings for self harm and homophobic slurs. If you don't like this type of stuff please don't read it.
(Jessamine's P.O.V)
Tonight was one of those nights, the kind of night where the voice inside my head tells me so many horrible things, maybe I will even carve some of those horrible things into my thigh. I believe the voice. Everything it says is true. Even though I stay up all night wishing I was dead and wondering why I just don't end it I still manage to keep a smile plastered on my face during the day. I'm so tired.
I just want to fall asleep but the voice won't quit. "You couldn't even make a 95 on that quiz Jessamine? You really are pathetic. That was such an easy quiz and all you could pull was a 94? You aren't going anywhere in life. You think you can get into a good college with grades like that? Let's not even get started on your face. You are so ugly. Have you seen your face? Your nose is huge and your eyes are too small. You're ugly, and dumb. Why are you even trying anymore? The only place you are going to be in 10 years is a cashier at Walmart. No not even that, for that job you have to be at least average looking. Why don't you just kill yourself already you worthless fag." By now I was crying. Maybe tonight would be the night I end it all. I took my blade out of my underwear drawer. With a shaky hand I rolled up my yoga pants and held the blade to my skin. What should I carve into myself tonight? With not a moment's hesitation I took the blade and carved the letters F-A-G into my thigh, I didn't even flinch because I knew I deserved this pain. At the mall today I looked at that girl's butt. I'm going to hell. As I sliced more and more horizontal lines under the word I carved into my leg only a few moments ago I thought what it would be like to burn in hell for the rest of eternity. "You worthless fag nobody will ever love you. Not even God loves you. You deserve what you're gonna get. You're a freak of nature and you are going to burn in hell." The voice went on.
When there was no room left on my thigh I stopped. I couldn't really see much because my room was dark; I knew there was blood all over my pants and bed but I was used to having to wash clothes and sheets often. I took a rag out from my underwear drawer and pressed it to my cuts in attempts to stop the bleeding, but it wouldn't stop. I grabbed my phone and used the light to look at my thigh. I looked at my thigh and realized I cut too deep. It wasn't one deep cut either it was about three. I got up from my bed and ran to turn on my bedroom light. I looked down and there was blood all over the floor and my bed; I knew the bleeding wouldn't stop when I looked at how deep the cuts were. I felt panic crawl into me but it didn't last long because suddenly everything went black.
I felt hot and sticky. My hair was plastered to my forehead; I could feel it. I tried to open my eyes but everything was so bright so I abruptly shut my eyes again. Where was I? I opened my eyes slowly and let them adjust to the light. When I could see I realized I was in the hospital. Why was I here? Then the memories of the prior events rushed back to me. Do my parents know about me cutting? Who found me? Did I pass out? Do they think I was trying to kill myself? I couldn't collect my thoughts properly. I looked around the white room. Then I look to the door just in time to see a woman in white scrubs walk in. Why was everything here white?
"Oh good Ms. Sterling you're awake." The nurse I'm assuming said.
"What happened? Where are my parents?" I asked panic evident in my voice.
"I'll get your doctor, she will explain everything." The nurse said with a soft smile as she walked out again.
A few moments later another woman walked in, the doctor I'm assuming. "Hello Ms. Sterling, I'm Dr. Andrews. How are you feeling?" She asked me sympathetically. I hated that there was sympathy in her voice. I was fine, and I didn't need her to feel sorry for me.
"I'm okay, I just feel really hot." I said with a soft smile playing at my lips. I needed her to know I was okay, even if I did want to cry.
"Okay, feeling hot is normal. So would you like to know what happened?" She asked me.
"Um.. Yes I would." I replied. I know she could tell I was nervous by the way she frowned at me.
"Well your Mother found you passed out on the floor. You lost a lot of blood, luckily your Mother called an ambulance and they got to you in time. Both of your parents are in the waiting room, I'm assuming they want to talk to you. However, I would like to ask you a few questions before I let them in." She informed me.
"Okay." I said a little unsure.
"Ms. Sterling were you trying to take your own life?" She asked me.
"No." I replied. I really wasn't trying to kill myself, I was just punishing myself.
"Have you had thoughts of suicide in the past?" She asked.
"No." I replied maybe a little too fast. Okay I was lying but I wanted to get out of here.
"Okay that's all I'll ask you for now. Would you like to see your parents?" She asked. Panic rushed over me. What were they going to think? I have to face them eventually, why not just get it over with?
"Sure." I said with a fake smile.
"I'll get them." She said walking out.
Of course I was terrified. What if Mom saw the word I carved into my thigh? Well now they know about my cutting and probably think I'm crazy. What scared me the most is that if Mom saw the word she probably told Dad and they hate me. They are very religious and wouldn't accept me even if I was a lesbian. I'm not though, that would mean I'm going to hell. No, it's just a phase, these feelings will go away. Before I could make my thoughts go farther my parents walked in. They didn't look happy.
"Hi Mom, Dad." I said smiling. It was more of a terrified smile but they didn't care to know the difference.
"Jessamine honey," My Mom said with a small smile on her face.
"I don't understand why you would hurt yourself on purpose. That's not important though. Your father and I are more concerned about the word you carved into your leg. We realize you are young and confused but we won't allow you to be in our house with those types of thoughts going on in your head. You are 15 so we can't kick you out but we will be sending you to a boarding school in Ohio. We hope it will give you time to sort things out and find yourself. Until you realize this is just a phase you can't return home." My Mother said bitterly.
"But Mom, you can't send me away in the middle of the school year. I've worked so hard and if you send me away it will mess my grades up. I'm not a lesbian! I've asked God to help me and I'm doing better. Please don't send me away." I said trying not to cry.
"It is decided honey. When you come home you will pack your things and get on a plain to Ohio. You need to ask God for forgiveness and ask him to help you because you're sick." She said. I was going to argue with them but they walked out.
Well great. They think I'm a lesbian and are sending me away. Wow I really messed up. I can start fresh at this boarding school though. Nobody will know about the thoughts I have, or my cutting, or the voice. Maybe it will be good to get away from my parents. Knowing how disappointing my parents were made me want to cry, but I have to stay strong. I won't let anyone see me cry and I'll punish myself later for it. With a sigh I laid my bed back. My head was pounding and I needed to sleep this off.
*
One plane ride later I was standing in front of a huge building that read 'Dalton Academy'. I silently wondered if I would ever find my way around this place. With a sigh I grabbed my suitcase and walked towards the main entrance. I walked in and it was huge. I didn't know which way the main office was. I looked around to find some indication of which way to go but I was utterly lost. There were people going in all kinds of different directions and it made my head hurt.
"Do you need some help?" A voice asked. I turned around to see a short Asian girl looking at me with curious eyes.
"Yes, I'm lost. I'm looking for the main office." I said. "Here, I'll show you. My name is Weslie by the way." The girl said. After a few sharp turns and trying to keep up with Weslie; because for a short girl she was fast, we were in the main office.
"Okay I'll leave you to it then. I'll see you around." She said with a smile as she darted out of the office. "Can I help you?" The elderly woman sitting at the desk asked me. "Yes, I'm new. My name is Jessamine Sterling." I told the woman. "Oh, okay. Your parents called us. Here is your class schedule, and room number. You'll find your uniform in your dorm. It's expected that you are in your uniform at all times, besides on weekends and dress down days. Curfew is at 10:00PM. Classes start at 7:30AM. You will find all of that information in this." She said handing me a white envelope.
"Okay, thank you." I said giving the woman a soft smile. I started to walk out but the woman stopped me. "Yes?" I asked. She gestured for me to come back over to the desk. I walked back over to her. "I don't agree with what your parents are doing sweetheart. Good luck." I smiled sadly at her and walked out.
It did make me sad to think about how my parents hated me but I deserved it. Eventually I found my way to my dorm. I took the key out of the envelope and unlocked the door. When I opened the door I realized there were two beds. I set my suitcase on the bed that didn't have stuff on it and started to unpack. A little while later I heard the door open. I turned around.
"So you must be my new roommate? Hi, I'm Nicolette. Yes my name is weird, my parents just couldn't name me Nicole like normal people would." She said smiling. She was so beautiful! She had long dark brown hair with bangs that fell slightly over her brown eyes. Her body looked perfect in the uniform.. oh my gosh stop it Jessamine!
"Hi, I'm Jessamine." I said holding out a hand. She shook it. "Well hi Jessamine. Can I call you Jess?" She asked me. "Sure, if I can call you Nicky." I answered. "Okay, well it's cool to meet you." Nicky said. We both smiled at each other and let me say when I smiled it was a real smile for the first time in a long time.
A/N: So I got this idea for a story a few weeks ago and just got around to writing it. What do you guys think? Also does anyone want to beta for this story? If you want to be my beta please PM me because I know a good beta would make this story a lot better