Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine y'all.
A/N: I really wish I could have done more with this, but I've had this file on my computer for over a month and nothing is coming to me. Alas, here is a quick, cursory thingy.
He misses Jess.
That hole in his chest, the one that's been growing within him since he was 22 and he watched his girlfriend crumble ashy remnant by ashy remnant? Yeah, that's still there.
They say the first thing people forget is a loved one's voice. That's bullshit. He heard it in his nightmares for months and it still rings in his ears. It's only gotten stronger; louder. "Sam," she had yelled, as smoke filled her lungs and flames melted her skin. In her final moment of fear and pain and living, she had called out his name. It's a sacrifice he can't forget. Not ever.
Dean tells him it's not his fault. He's explained it to Sam over and over again, in that overly crass and insulting way he has, how it was only the fault of Yellow Eyes. But the thing is, Sam knows that. It doesn't matter. Sam is the one who's got this darkness inside of him, lining the very maze of his body. It seeps into his mind and sometimes surprises him with how potent it is, how much hatred he can hold. He's the one who brought evil to Jess's life. And he should have known better.
Nothing has ever worked out for him. Childhood was one temporary life after another with the only people he could hold onto being Dad and Dean. His sins were awoken with flame, fostered with deceit and demons wearing his friends and teachers, and rekindled with Jess.
She is not the only woman he's loved, but she is the ideal. She was good. But she was human, and in that, she fit well against Sam's side- as well as anyone ever could fit. He likes to think she would have been able to push against the shadow of his humanity and the beating core of his monstrosity. He wishes she were his savior, but instead, he is her curse.
Since her death he's lusted for blood, sacrificed the innocent, let the devil use her. He never wanted her to be a weapon for Lucifer. But that's what she is, that's what she was from the very first moment Lucifer laid upon his bed and murmured in the dulcet tones of his first lover and every moment since. She is sullied by Holy War.
He goes head to head with demons and sometimes they'll mention her. They talk about how sweet and pure she was and how Sam killed her. They don't know her. He wants to yell this, pound it into the core of their demonic minds with his fists.
He wants to tell everyone he doesn't care. He's sick of hearing about her almost angelic nature- her objectified purity. She had her own internal struggles, much like Sam's, much like anyone's, but she was too strong for that. That's what he loved. Not this hollowed out symbol everyone else talks about.
She is gone, but has been warped right alongside Sam. She is like a trailing spirit, one he can't burn (she's already been burned). He doesn't know how long she will linger and he's not sure if he will be grateful or dead when it happens.