First in my now called 'Communication' verse.
This is the prequel to 'Silence is Golden' and it tells Dean's story and talks about the events that lead to 'Silence is Golden'. There is no slash in this one and Cas plays only a minor role but I think it can been viewed as pre-slash. I hope you enjoy it.
In hindsight he could see how Lisa might have misinterpreted his intentions. He had tried to create a comfortable atmosphere and make things as easy as possible, if breaking up could ever be easy. That's why he had invited her to his place for dinner and that's why he had even bothered to cook for her, his famous lasagna with a green salad as an appetizer and an apple pie as dessert. He should have been clearer, maybe then things wouldn't have gone so horribly wrong and neither of them would have ended up as hurt as they now were.
The driver in the car behind him honked and brought him back to the present and the traffic light which had turned green without him noticing. Quickly he started driving and turned on the radio. Maybe that would help keep his mind from drifting.
His favorite show was on and he was glad that he caught it. He had only started to listen to this particular program a few days ago, right before he had broken up with Lisa and in the end it had given him the strength to go through with it and not stay with her, just because it was the easier way. The guy who hosted it, Castiel Novak, just had a way to encourage people to do the right thing. And his voice was incredible, perfect for the radio. One could fall in love with just that voice. Deep, gravelly and somehow comforting. And also the music the guy played was mostly just what Dean liked.
Dean just managed to duck in time and the plate Lisa had thrown at him missed his head and hit the wall behind him, falling to the floor in tiny shards. They had gotten through dinner very well. Both had been quiet and nervous, though for different reasons. When they had finished their pie Lisa had finally asked what Dean wanted to talk to her about. She had waited for him to start talking but he just hadn't known how to begin. How did you tell your girlfriend of two years that you had just discovered that you actually preferred men?
"And now a song we all know but we can never get enough of. Here is Black Sabbath's Paranoid," Castiel said. "And later we'll talk about what exactly you can do against feeling paranoid or simply lost and needing some time to find out what really matters in your life," he continued as the first guitar sounds started.
'Finished with my woman' the lyrics said and Dean really listened to the song. Yeah, that was him, finished with his woman. And it was making his life hard at the moment. 'Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify'. That, too, was true, Dean thought and hoped that Castiel might have a good suggestion about what might help.
When he reached his street and turned into his driveway he stayed in the car. He didn't want to risk missing what Castiel had to say by going inside and not finding the right radio station in time. He sat there, listened to the song and thought back to where it had all gone wrong.
"That was delicious," Lisa had told him after she had put down her fork with which she had just eaten her slice of pie. Dean didn't say anything, just nodded at her and finished his own slice of pie, which had been slightly bigger than Lisa's. "So," Lisa said expectantly and with a smile that was supposed to encourage Dean to start talking. When he remained silent she continued. "What's the occasion for this nice invitation?"
"I need to talk to you. About us and our future," he stopped, swallowing nervously gathering the strength to say the words he needed to say.
"Yes?"she said, moving to the edge of her seat, waiting for him to say the words she expected. Waiting for him to propose as he had realized too late.
The song ended and Dean waited for Castiel to start talking again. He could really use some advice. He followed the man's last advice when he had talked about someone who had called about being stuck in an unhappy relationship. Castiel had told the caller to end the relationship because things would likely only get worse and even if it hurt now it would hurt even more when eventually everything fell apart.
This had started Dean thinking. He had been unhappy with Lisa for a while. Not because he didn't like her anymore, no, she was an awesome woman and she was good to him. But over the years he had realized that he didn't really love her. He had just loved the idea of being in a relationship with a good woman. But every time he went out, he had to admit that he found men more attractive than women. And if he was honest with himself that feeling had always been there, he had only chosen to ignore and suppress those longings.
But after listening to Castiel's advice to someone else, he had decided to no longer ignore that. He had realized that in fact he had always been unhappy with his life and he knew that now he needed to make a change.
"You suddenly notice that you prefer men? After we have been together for two years? How do you think that makes me feel?" Lisa had yelled and had not listened to his attempts to explain himself. Instead she had started to throw dishes at him until she had run out of ammunition. Then she had sat down and started to cry.
"So, do any of you out there feel a little paranoid, too? Maybe you need a break from your everyday life and some time on your own to just think. I know I need that every once in a while. And you know what always helps me? Silence. It really helps putting things into perspective and gives me the chance to get my thoughts in order. So every year I go on a silent retreat for one week and I have to say it is the best thing I have ever tried."
A silent retreat. One week without talking and time to think and clear his head. That sounded like an excellent idea. Dean was so confused right now, wondering if he'd really made the right decision and unsure how to continue his life from now on. Yes, he would go on a retreat like that and after making this decision he already felt better. It was a step in the right direction and he felt like he could kiss this Castiel dude, should he ever meet him.
"Maybe I could help a few lost souls out there. At least I hope I could. But now it's time for more music. After all this talk about silence here is 'The sound of silence' by Simon and Garfunkel for you," Castiel announced the next song.
Dean had gone to her side and tried to comfort her but she had jerked away from the touch. "I loved you," she had sobbed. "I thought you were the one and that you would ask me to marry you tonight."
"Lisa, I am so, so sorry," he had said and she had lifted her head and given him a furious look.
"You're sorry? You are sorry?" she had screamed. "I wasted two years of my life on you and then you suddenly decide you like cock and all you have to say to me is that you're sorry? Fuck you!"
She had stormed out of the apartment and slammed the door behind her. When he had followed her outside she had turned around and yelled, "I hate you," at him and at that moment she had meant it.
Then she had left, angry and hurt, and Dean had stayed behind and watched her go. He'd been hurt, too. By her last words and by the fact that he hadn't handled things differently. She was a good person, he had never intended to cause her pain like this but he hadn't been able to help it any longer and lie to her and to himself.
Dean didn't really listen anymore, the memory of that evening still fresh and painful and finally he turned off the radio and got out of the car. It had only been a few days and he felt more confused than ever. He went inside his apartment and straight to his computer to find the next best silent retreat offer. He really wanted to go to one now and hoped it would help him.
While his computer started, he turned on the radio and found the station that hosted Castiel's program. 'The sound of silence' was over now and AC/DC was playing with 'Highway to hell'. Dean only hoped that that song didn't foreshadow anything in his life, as he searched the internet for the right retreat for him.
If you haven't read it yet, you should check out 'Silence is Golden' where Dean and Cas meet at the silent retreat. Hope you enjoyed the story.