Disastrous Amusement
XXXX
"I'm afraid of Americans. I'm afraid of the world.
I'm afraid I can't help it.
I'm afraid I can't ."
- I'm Afraid of Americans by David Bowie
XXXX
It began when another day creeps upon them with no thought. It is simply just another day in their boring, immortal lives. Boredom is always something they would never be able to escape. They crawl their way into the board room; something they feel they have done too many times and they long wish for the comfort of muddy, blood-stained battlefields than those ridiculous office chairs that do little to soothe their aching backs.
They sit down and ready themselves for the battle that will be fought within in this room. Then as suddenly Germany stands up to the start the inevitable party, America kicks his feet up onto the table and barks out a laugh.
"Hey guys, guess what I just did!"
"Please have taken cyanide pills, please have taken cyanide pills, please have taken cyanide pills, please have taken cynaide pills–" No one hears Canada's frantic whispering.
"I just passed the fuckin' greatest thing ever."
"Fuck."
And so the die had been cast.
XXXX
It's a contest and they all realise it. The board room is utterly silent as the three large nations square off. It isn't odd to see the three of them going at it and often or not, they lived by the theory of go hard or go home. It isn't odd at all to see them sparring as they did, but this time it is truly something remarkable.
Honestly, it could have started with anything.
It could have started with Europe.
It could have started with the Church's decision to give Spain most of South America.
It could have started with America's movement to ban alcohol.
It could have possibly started with China's ingenious idea to keep his citizens from mass-producing.
"Pizza's a vegetable!" Alfred growls and slams his fist down on the table causing it to crack warningly. "If I say it's a damned vegetable, then it is a damned vegetable!"
"What's the Latin name? Congresso Stupido? Just because you say something is true doesn't make it so, you prick! The world doesn't revolve solely around you and your fat head!"
"As if you're one to talk, oooh Mr. British Empire Oooh! You had seventy-five percent of the world kissing your fuzzy brows made from your pubic hair at some point and you're telling me that the world revolves around no one? Can anyone say hypocrite?"
"My eyebrows aren't fashioned from my public hair!"
"I set them on fire in the revolution!"
"That was you? America, if your head wasn't - "
"Hypocrite!"
"Seriously, Alfred–"
"Hypocriiiiiiite!"
"Alfred, I swear –"
"Hyyyyyyypoooocriteeeee!"
"I swear to God, Alfred–"
"Hyyyypooooocriteeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Arthur's pale hands lunge at the American, but a metal instrument bats them away and places itself in-between him and the insufferable git. An accented voice even heavier than their own chuckles at them and a pair of violet eyes sneers down at them both with childish glee.
"The world revolves around neither of you. It revolves around me, of course, why wouldn't it revolve around the largest country in the world?"
America doesn't settle for this immediately. He stamps his foot in childish anger and grabs at Ivan's metal pipe and squeezes until his fingers leave indents in the metal. Russia's blood boils at the sight of this and only continues to rise to dangerous levels as Alfred only smirks at him.
"Bitch, please! You're trying to wipe out the individuality in your country. Seriously, Russia – that's cold. You're trying to make stories and come-outs about Gays, Lesbians and Transgenders illegal! You're withholding information Ivan and withholding information is what commies do!"
Ivan snorts. Ivan is Ivan and Ivan is allowed to do whatever he pleases. "I am no longer communist. You are far more communistic than I am."
Seizing a chance, England interrupts their fuelling Cold War and snidely gives his own opinion."It's not as if you're one to talk, Alfred."
"You got something to say to me, shortie?"
"Yeah, you snide pig. SOPA. At least Russia isn't trying to cripple the internet."
"Shut up, man. I've got no jurisdiction in that problem. As it is, my brother Obama has got my back so nothing is going to happen to the internet on my watch."
"What I find hilarious is that it was allowed to go through in the first place."
"What's so 'funny' about it, fatso?"
"Oh simple – has big business piledrived you hard in the behind that you are completely consumable to any of their tricks and temptations?"
America is horrified at the assumption. "Russia. Oh my god. Who says that. I am not homosexual!"
"Of course you aren't." Ivan murmurs and pats Alfred on the shoulder in a mocking show of friendship. "And Arthur does not touch small children."
"You bloody git –"
The pipe in Ivan's hand clutters to the ground as England places a well-placed kick to the shin. The Arctic nation swears furiously as he holds his throbbing appendage; slipping in and out of English and Russian dangerously. However, Arthur's confidence does not drain away. For now, they are battling gods. That is what they are – battling gods to see could best mess with their people. And so far – there was no winner.
But there would be one soon.
"This is China's fault!" America interjects. China glares up from his seat, but it is completely ignored by the American. "He's the one who started this stupid contest! China! Seriously! One child to every family will not work!"
"It'll work if I make it." But again China is ignored.
"He's trying to reduce overpopulation." Ivan coolly and then glares at England. "You're included in these fits of stupidity as well, comrade." Ivan spits out the word like a nasty bug.
"Oh? Pray tell – what have I done now?"
The Arctic nation straightens himself with little difficulty and shrugs simply. "And you call yourself so well-informed."
"Come on, Arty. Even I know what he's talking about."
England scowls. "Don't test my patience, boy."
"Test, test, testiiiiiiiing. One, two, three, teeeeeeeeest–"
"Alfred– No, I'm not even going to bother. It's like trying to walk fish."
"You would try to walk your fish."
"At least my pets aren't made-up."
"Tony is real!"
Alfred then suddenly calms himself. "Fine, fine. I'm not going to walk into that trap. Here's your mistake, brosef. You passed a bill saying that water did nothing against the fight of dehydration."
Immediately, Arthur snorts. "That's impossible!"
"Shit happens. And this shit most definitely happened."
"That's ridiculous! My government would never do something that impeccably stupid!"
"Yeah, neither would mine, but we got Bush for eight years!"
"That's different."
"I wish you would both come to the conclusion that you are merely fucking around with your people." But then, Ivan only shakes his head in mocking laughter. Both nations stop to glare at him. "You two are so ridiculous that it is funny. Your governments are both dumb – It is Russia that has the best."
"No fuckin' way for both of them! My people are too cool to be messed with 'cause we mess back. You on the other-hand...You're trying to wipe out individual voice!"
"And as are you with the SOPA bill!" England interjects rapidly; immediately shifting America's attention to him.
"It's to Stop Online Piracy! I'm not trying to kill anyone! You're the one who told everyone that water doesn't stop dehydration!"
"You're killing the internet!"
"Come on, Arthur! That's not fair. And I am not – You're the one killing your people!"
"Talk to me about 'fair' when you spell judgement right." England retorts. "Besides,this is why we cannot have nice things – you're being so screwed over by your overbearing big business that you're allowing one of the most inspiring things to falter because your businesses are losing money!"
The urge to strangle Alfred is so overbearing that it fills every vein with electrified wire. It almost overpowers the urge to mess with his people as a nation should do, but even that is still completely present like the demon it is.
"Lalalala I cannot hear you over your homosexual assumptions!"
"This conversation is stupid." Ivan decides and bends down to pick up his pipe. "You are all stupid."
"Thank-you for pointing out the obvious..." Canada mutters from the background and feeds another slip of Alfred's beef jerky to Kumjirou.
"I am the birthplace of intelligence." Alfred snidely comments. "I am intelligent."
"Whatever floats your boat." Ivan takes one look at Alfred's form and turns away, sighing. "Poor boat indeed."
"Hey! Don't you walk away from me with that comment! Ivan! Get yo' commie ass back here so we can finish this!"
"There is nothing to finish for I cannot hear you! You do not exist!"
"Ivaaaaaan!"
By then, Alfred is already chasing after a quickly moving Ivan and Arthur is left all alone. The other nations that surround him peer at him curiously and he barely manages a glare back at them.
Nations were always the same – again and again. They always loved to mess around with their people and for some reason – it never got old. For some reason, he had a feeling that if they had all sat around a pot circle, the same conclusion would have been met again and again.
Arthur snorts and shakes the thought away. He leaves the room with a half-hearted V-sign at France and decides that he utterly hates everyone.
Note: Writing this was like treading through tar. Seriously.
NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE PLEASE. I am only kidding – this is just a joke of course – and I do not wish for anyone to be very offended by this.