Those of you who know me from other fandoms I know I've been away for a while, I'm sorry for that, and yes I'm still working on those stories, it's just my muse seems to not want to do anything at the moment. Trust me I was shocked when this got past like 1,000 words. Normally I write something and delete it later because it's just so bad. However this one I kinda liked. Anyway that being said I am still working on Coming Home ( You wouldn't believe how many times I've written this one chapter.)
For those of you who don't Hi, this is my first story for Chicago PD, but I've been writing Crime Show Fan Fics for a while now. Check out my CSI: NY, NCIS and NCIS:LA stuff. I've also got a couple of Bones there too but I don't read/watch or write that anymore.
xoxox
She wasn't sure she would ever the same person she had been, a year ago, or even six months ago. However she knew she was in a better place than she had been that day in the bar with Hank. She had finally cleaned up her act, she had finally seen that her mother enjoyed catering to her grieving daughter, that she liked Erin that way; because being that way Erin needed her. Bunny wasn't out to help her get better; to help her move passed the anger she had at Yates, at the misplaced ager towards her self. Erin being angry and hurting suited Bunny just fine, because she could cater to her daughters every misguided whim.
Now though things where changing, Erin had started to realise that, this life she had started to lead, or more to the point fallen back into; wasn't how Nadia would want to be remembered. That life wasn't the one she would want for her best friend, roommate and mentor. She would have wanted Erin to continue on with life, and live it to the fullest, for the both of them. It had taken her longer to realise this than Erin would like to admit. It had been after a bender that had left her reeling for days, that she realised she really needed to clean up her act. Ignoring the protests of her mother- who insisted she was just fine- Erin checked her self into rehab. It wasn't somewhere she had ever thought she would end up again, but she had, and she had spent the last month working on all her issues. Today was her first day back in the real world.
She had tried to speak to Hank a few times, while she was in rehab, but they had never ended well. She knew the guys from intelligence would be there for her when she was ready to tell them, and if there was one thing she wasn't looking forward to, it was the looks of disappointment on their faces, when they learnt just how far she had fallen. Although she was sure that they would be proud of her, for picking up the pieces and rebuilding her life from scratch, this time with no one to guide her in which ever direction they wanted her to go.
There was however one thing she wanted to do first, and that was confront her mother. As well intentioned as Bunny may have seemed at the time, the constant feeding of Erin's anger towards her self hadn't been healthy, and she knew that now. She guessed she had known that all along, but at those lowest lows she really didn't care. This would also be her first test, going to a bar and not drinking, Erin knew if the first thing her mother did was pull a drink for her. That what her doctors, and therapist had told her was true. Bunny wanted the beaten down daughter, the one who thought she was bad news, not the strong and independent person; Hank had raised her to be.
Walking into her mothers bar, now that her head was clear, and that she could accept that what happened to Nadia wasn't her fault. Erin felt sick that she had spent so many nights here, getting wasted and what not, trying to forget about pretty much everything that had to do with her best friend. She noticed the way her mother smiled at her as she walked up to the bar. One, Two, Three she counted in her head, she hadn't even got to four when a beer was pushed towards her. Laughing angrily, Erin pushed the beer away and found that it was much easier to do than she had first thought.
"You do understand I literally just got out of rehab right, like an hour ago, and you're already wanting me to fall back into old habits. Shouldn't you oh I don't know want me to get better, realise that yes I did have a problem and that drinking wasn't going to take the pain of losing my best friend away." When she saw the look on her mothers face she knew that, over the last few months she had hit more the rock bottom; she had spent the last month clawing her way back up to rock bottom; and here was her mother, wanting to send her straight back down to where she had been a month ago.
"One drink won't kill you," Erin couldn't believe what she was hearing, her hands came to rest on either side of her head as she looked at her mother shocked.
"You have to be kidding me right, one drink? Drinking, and coming to you is how I got myself into this mess. I just spent the last month, clawing my way out of hell back up to rock bottom, and now you want to send me right back down? You're not happy unless I'm miserable are you? You're toxic, Teddy knows it, I knew it and I still came to you, because that's what I thought I deserved. Don't you get it Bunny. I pushed everyone I cared about away, so I wouldn't hurt them, Hank, Jay, all of intelligence, the whole freaking twenty-first district of the Chicago Police Department. I pushed them all away; and I held on to the one thing I knew I shouldn't have and that was you. You gave me exactly what I wanted a way to escape, a way to run away from my problems. Instead of facing them head on and learning from them. I ran and I hid in my past, and you still don't get that do you. If it wasn't so pathetic I would feel sorry for you. The only way you get any attention from your children is when they can't or don't want to handle their problems in a healthy way. I shouldn't have come here it was a mistake" Erin turned to leave as she as she got to the door she turned around.
"You know what, I do want to thank you for one thing, and that's showing me just how far I could fall without asking for help. Next time I'll know better, because if I had asked for help, if I had taken the help that was offered to me by people who really do care about me, then I wouldn't be cleaning up my own mess right now. So thank you for showing me what, below rock bottom looks and feels like," with that she walked out the door, she knew it wouldn't be the last time she saw her mother, but it would be the last time that she turned to her for help.
Desk Sargent Platt had spent the day, doling out tasks to the uniformed officers under her command, and fielding calls that would normally have gone up to intelligence however Hank and his team were currently out on case, so she was stuck manning their phone line downstairs. Rubbing her right temple she could feel a headache coming on, one that was going to bug her for the rest of the day; that was all she needed. Rolling her neck from side to side, she looked back down that the paper work in front of her, it wasn't till she heard someone clear their throat that she looked up. At first she was going to yell at who ever thought that they could grab her attention with such little respect. However what she found was anything but a cocky uniform or annoying visitor.
"Well as I live and breath, Erin Lindsay what are you doing here?" she asked, shocked was an understatement right now. Looking at the sightly amused look on Erin's face Platt shook her head. Lindsay looked a thousand times better than the last time she had seen her, although her face was devoid of any make up what so ever she looked, happier and healthier than she had seen her in months.
"I came by to say hi, I just- well I just got out of rehab, don't look at time like that I checked myself in I realised I had fallen below rock bottom and I needed help. I know back after Nadia died I wasn't coping very well and I wasn't exactly the nicest person to be around. So I came to say sorry. I'm getting better. I have a fair way to go, I know that but I missed you guys, and I spoke to Hank while in there and he told me how you all missed me and- I wanted to say hi" Trudy Platt wasn't one for showing affection, to get where she was, she had, had to be tough as brass balls. But seeing the young woman in front of her, finally puling her self out of the pitch dark hole she, seemed to burry herself in she couldn't help but come round and give her a hug.
"Wow, Sarge I didn't know you had it in you?" Lindsay said laughing while hugging the woman in return.
"If you tell anyone about this I will hunt you down and hurt you in ways you can't even imagine." Stepping back there was a grin on Lindsay's face.
"Tell people about what?"
"That a girl; now I'll buzz you in upstairs and you can wait for them there. They should be back soon. They were wrapping up a case, and I'm sure seeing you a lot happier and healthier will brighten their day considerably." Nodding Erin smiled as she made her way thought the gate and upstairs to where Intelligence spent most of their time.
Jay Halstead, was just glad today was over, as they headed up the stairs and into the twenty-first precinct. He wanted to get his paper work done, then head home to a beer and watch something on the TV a game or something. Just chill out before heading to bed, then coming back here tomorrow to do the same thing all over again. It had been three months since Lindsay had quit and every one of those 90 days had been hard, knowing his best friend was hurting and there wasn't anything he could do for her. He looked up as Atwater patted him on the shoulder as, they all made their way up the stairs and through the cage, that lead them to their very own bull pen.
Not one of them had expected to see anyone up here let alone Erin, so when most of the team came up the stairs, to see her sitting at her old desk, they all stopped dead.
"What's going on here?" Antonio asked looking at the guys beside him, all of them shrugged the last they had heard, Erin wanted nothing to do with any of them. Hank had been in a mood for the rest of the day, actually make that week, that she had stayed at Bunny's bar instead of coming to work with him.
"I don't know, seems to me that, one of you stinker's left me out of the loop, Adam and Kim are engaged? Now I know I've been out of it but it seems more than a little rude, that no one told me about this, and I had to see it in a photo," said Erin, her feet were still resting on her old desk and there was a shit eating grin on her face, one that hadn't been there in what seemed like years. As Antonio, Jay and Atwater stood in shock at the top of the stairs they could hear Voight and the others coming up behind them.
"What's going on up here why are you thr- he stopped as he saw Erin stand up, she bit her lip and stuck her hands in her pockets she knew she had a lot of explaining to do, and a lot of apologising to do as well she just hopped he would listen after she choose Bunny over him.
Voight couldn't believe what he was seeing, Erin Lindsay the woman who was more like a daughter to him, standing in front of him, hands in her pockets, a sheepish look on her face. She looked happier and healthier than she did, last time he saw her.
"I thought I told you on the phone that I -" he said walking past her.
"I know but Hank I did it, I wasn't lying, I did rehab; just got out actually. I've found an AA group to join, I'm still going to the therapist I saw a while in rehab, I went back to talk to her and she slid a beer over to me. I know you were right and I know that I screwed up. I should have asked for help, I should have taken the help not only you offered but Jay and Platt, and everyone here offered to me but I didn't; I didn't want to. I didn't think I deserved it. But I was wrong I know that now. I guess I always knew that I just didn't want to hear it. I'm stubborn like someone else I know" This wasn't the way she wanted everyone else, especially Jay to find out just how far she'd fallen but she wanted to prove it to Voight more than anything that she was on the mend, that she was building her life back up; and part of that was admitting that she was wrong, even if it hurt her pride a little. She needed Voight to know, how sorry she was for turning her back on him. Even if that meant revealing things to the guys around her, she didn't quite want all of them to know.
When Voight, walked into his officer and closed the door, she sighed, well that was one battle she would have to work on, for now she turned around to see the shocked faces of the guys she used to work with. All of them just standing there not knowing what to do next, not knowing what to say incase they hurt her. It was Mouse walking out and seeing her that broke the tension in the air.
"I thought I heard someone come up earlier, but I thought it was just Platt leaving something. How are you Lindsay?" he asked Erin nodded and smiled.
"I'm good, Mouse and you?" the two of them talked for a few minutes, as the rest of the guys got used to the fact that they weren't in fact dreaming and yes she was here. Then slowly one by one they moved over gave her a hug.
Voight watched from his office as, Erin hugged they guys she used to work with well all but Adam. He and Kim who were still presumably getting changed from the under cover outfits they had, had on; he was sure once they joined the rest of the team they too would be in, shock and awe, that their missing friend was back. He had to admit that she did look like the Erin Lindsay he knew the woman who had grown from the scared teenager, to the tough police detective. However the last phone call he had, had with her still played on his mind. There had only been one thing that had, stopped him from embracing her in a hug like he had wanted to, and that was the fact that she had said she wanted to go back to Bunny first. He had hung up at that point, not wanting to hear the rest of what she had to say. It wasn't that he didn't care about her, he did more than he probably should have. There was an old saying once bitten twice shy, he'd gone through this with her once before; he didn't know if he could go through it all again, not without Camille by his side.
There had been on thing that, had been bugging Jay Halstead, since he and the rest of the team had found Erin up here; and that was, the conversation she had, had with Voight. It didn't seem like them at all, and he had been around them long enough to know just how much they cared about each other. Hell he'd probably still be dating her if, she didn't care what - well now his boss thought of her. He watched as she stood over the other side of the bull pen, talking to Kim and Adam who had just come up, and were just as surprised as everyone else that she was here. The two of them, normally kept any PDA out of the station. Molly's was about the only place that they showed any affection towards each other, when around their work mates. However at the moment Adam's arms were wrapped around Kim's waist as he laughed, at something Lindsay has said, as she stood there admiring the engagement ring on her friends finger.
If there was one thing he wished he could do, it was walk over and at least wrap his around Erin and join in the conversation, but that wasn't a possibility anymore, looking down at the paper work he knew wasn't going to get done today he got up and walked out of bull pen, and down to where Mouse now resided.
"Hey dude how's it going up there?" Mouse asked as he heard the door open.
"Don't ask," spinning around in his chair Mouse rose an eyebrow he knew that tone of voice, and he knew it well.
"I am gonna ask, cos I know you and seeing as how I figured out at that, your 'for a minute' relationship was with Lindsay I'm gonna make sure you're ok with all this" Jay should have know his friend knew him well, maybe a little too well to be honest. It wasn't like he wasn't happy for her, she was back to the woman he loved, and he still did love her, and he probably always would.
"Am I happy that she's finally sorted herself out? Yes, I'm thrilled that one, of my best friends has turned that corner and gotten the help, she needed. But -
"You wanted to be there for her, helping her every step of the way. I know you; you did that with me. Some of us just have to do it on our own; and you have to realise that, as much as you want to help, sometimes it's just letting them know you are there if they need you, is all you can give." Nodding Jay took what his friend said, to heart, changing the topic of conversation, they sat there talking about old times, laughing at things that they hadn't laughed at in years. Until they heard someone yelling. It wasn't a voice they recognised right away. Looking at each other they got up and headed back to the bull pen. What they found was hard to believe, it was one thing they knew, to let Erin up here. She was one of them after all but everyone was wondering just how Bunny had gotten up here. Had Platt really just let her up here, and why?
Both men stopped as they saw a fuming desk sergeant storming up the stairs with, a young constable.
"Is that the woman you let up here?" She asked when the young man nodded, it all made sense to Jay, Platt had been off doing something else, more than likely a bathroom break the only reason she really leaves the front desk and this newbie let, Bunny up here without a second thought.
"But-But you let the other one-
"She's family you idiot," grabbing him by the ear Platt walked back down stairs, if there was one thing, everyone in intelligence knew it was to not piss off Platt she could make your life a living hell if she wanted to, and she quite often did.
"So you left me for this, again" Bunny looked around and threw her hands up in the air she was sick of losing to Voight it seemed that was all she ever did, especially with her daughter, the man had Erin wrapped around his little finger and just when Bunny thought she had gotten her daughter away from him, Erin went crawling back. Everyone could see that Erin was biting down on her tongue not wanting to say anything, she didn't want to have this argument here, she didn't want to have this argument at all to be honest, but that was her mother, when she wanted something she never gave up on it. However Bunny was about a decade and a half too late, to fight for her daughter well in Erin's book anyway.
"He doesn't know you like-
"I'm going to stop you right there mum. Because you don't know me, not the person I became, you know the person you want me to be, the one who is so dependant on you, for a hit, for a good time. You don't even care that I was wasting my life away, because I was grieving and I was self destructive. Do you not understand what I said earlier today. I pushed everyone in this room but you away for a reason. So I wouldn't hurt them, so I wouldn't get them killed because I thought it was my fault. Let me spell it out for you." Erin walked over to Antonio and wrapped an around around him.
"Antonio, care about, he's like a big brother to me." She then walked over to Alvin.
"Olinksy, care about, Uncle I never had" she made her away around the room finally coming to a stop next to Jay.
"Jay, was my partner, he is one of my best friends second to Voight if anything happened to him I would never be able to forgive myself. Can you see a pattern forming here Bunny. All these people including Voight mean the world to me, and I pushed them away. You maybe my mother and sure when I was a kid you meant something to me, but I never meant all that much to you; don't give me that look. If I had meant even half as much to you then as you claim I do now. I wouldn't have moved in with Voight at sixteen, Teddy would't have been sold into a sex trafficking ring so spare me the crap alright; you're not happy unless I'm down, you can't accept that my life was better off without you in it." Bunny looked around at, everyone of the people who had become so important in her daughters life, all of them standing there with their arms folded, all of them wearing matching looks, and every single one of them wearing a police badge.
"Some friends-
"What are you doin' here? Who let her up?" Voight asked walking out of his office. he looked around to see all of his unit look away, a clear sign that it wasn't them, he looked over at Erin, and saw Jay drape an arm over her shoulders. Letting him know who's side she was on when it came to her mother being up here. Bunny had seen the move as well, as she watched her daughter fold her arms, and look exactly like all the people around her she knew once again her daughter had made a decision that didn't include having her mother in her life.
"I cleaned up my act for you and this is the thanks I get", Voight looked like he as going to blow a fuse, the vain that Erin knew as a warning sign to not push him any further was starting to pulse in his neck and clearly, Olinsky had seen it as well, for he had tilted his head for the rest of them to get out of there while they still had the chance, Erin turned to leave with them before turning back Jay grabbed her hand and she up a finger. Walking over to her mother she slapped her.
"You may think you cleaned up your act for me, but I've seen you do it a million times and it makes no difference to me now. You and I both know that I was your scape goat this time. You wanted to keep your husband happy so you tore down my life when what I needed, was someone outside of this unit to tell me, that yes I was making my life a mess, but you didn't do that you let me slide, you let me fall and you let me, become the person you were when I was growing up; and for that, even if you nice husband asks I will never forgive you" walking back over to Jay who was waiting Erin smiled as he wrapped his arm around her again and walked out. If they had seen the look on Voight's face they may have stayed, as that little speech had, done more to convince him that Erin really had turned the page more than any phone conversation she had tried to have with him ever had.
Bunny looked over at Voight and saw the smirk on his face, rolling her eyes that was all that she needed, for him to rub it in her face that he had once again won. It seemed liked a never ending battle with him, and he was always coming up the better parent.
"Oh you just love this don't you?"
"I love it even more that, it was her choice. I haven't had any contact with her, since that day in the bar when she quit, so this it was her choice. It was her doing and that is what annoys you the most because you know I had nothin' to do with it. Erin chose to get better by her self, she chose to come back here by her self; which means that she chose to leave you by herself." Bunny was furious because she knew he was right. Erin had done this all by herself she couldn't blame him, this time he had, had no hand in what her daughter had decided to do. This was all on Erin, not that she would ever get close enough now to tell her daughter just how disappointed she was in her, the only thing left for her to do now was to give up. It wasn't something she liked doing, giving up wasn't an easy thing for her to do. However it wasn't like she had a choice in all this; the choice had been made for her, by her daughter.
The rest of the unit, after Olinksy had gotten them to leave had headed, down to the garage it was the only other place people were likely to find them. The only real place to sit was the cage, it was a good thing they had, handed off the guy who was in there a couple of hours ago. They sat there talking about pretty much anything other than what was going on upstairs it wasn't their place to pry unless Erin wanted them too. It hadn't passed Antonio though that Jay and Erin had yet to either come down, or walk out here where the rest of them were. However he could understand wanting to be there for her. He had, pulled Jules aside and talked through things with her multiple times, before she died.
Erin stopped just before the doors that lead to the garage. Leaning against the wall she rested her head back. This was one of the reasons she wanted to, go see Bunny and leave; her mother always had a way of bringing out the worst in her.
"You ok?" Jay asked standing beside her against the wall. Erin nodded before resting her had on his shoulder.
"As well as could be expected I suppose. I wanted to see her first. Because I knew she would try and talk me out of coming here. Telling her what I needed to say and then leaving without giving her any chance to reply. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all; She just drains me, and I feel like I have nothing left to give after that." Jay sighed he hated seeing her like this, so defeated by her own mother, turning he kissed the top of her head as they stood side by side in silence. After a few minutes Erin pushed off the wall and turned to the man who was once her partner.
"Thank you, for being here for me, even when I didn't want you to be" she said kissing his cheek before walking out the door to join the others in the garage. Jay smiled he touched were she had kissed. Maybe there was still hope for them yet; not now, he knew she was still working on getting back, or at least as close to be the person she had been. But at least one day was still on the table.