Warning: If I owned HETALIA: AXIS POWERS, it would probably have some shitty name like HETALIA: FUCKING WATCH THIS SHIT, and be filled with smut. Be thankful I am merely a fan.
OKAY - before we start, I just want to introduce this story. This is the first in a series of HETALIA DOES:, and will be a chapter fic, with more songs from Avenue Q. HETALIA DOES:, will be a series of chapter fic's or one shots that follow the lines of this one, where the countries sing certain songs because of certain events. I tried to make it different then a song fic, where the countries are actually singing, instead of a story line based on the song. This installment of HETALIA DOES:, will feature songs from Avenue Q, and all songs from Avenue Q that I do will be in this story. Got it?
Welcome to this first installment of HETALIA DOES:, please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all time - actually, fuck it. Food and drinks are allowed, and you have my full authorization to tell all your Hetalia loving friends about this ride! (sameless self-promotion, AWAYYYY~)
Another pointless world meeting was over, and once again nothing was solved. Yet something remained on America's mind, and had been bugging him throughout the whole meeting, causing him to remain unnaturally silent throughout the entire thing. Approaching China, he tapped the older nation on the shoulder. He had made sure all the nations had cleared out beforehand. They had all gone just outside into the courtyard to release some steam from the stressful meeting.
"Hey China, you got a minute?"
"I suppose so, aru."
"Great! I was wondering, you're China, and Japan's Japan."
"Yes…"
"You're both Asian."
"Right…" China couldn't help but wonder what the point in all this was.
"Are you two related?"
"What?! America, I'm surprised at you! I find that racist, aru!" Sure, China had cared for Japan when he was younger, but they weren't related. And they wouldn't be related just by being Asian! America, on the other hand, seemed shocked.
"Oh! Well, I'm sorry, I was just asking dude."
"It's a touchy subject aru! Not all Asians are related! What are you trying to say, that we all look the same?"
"No, no! I'm sorry dude, I guess it was a little bit racist." America hadn't wanted to offend the nation!
"I should say so! You need to be much more careful when you are talking about race!"
"Well look who's talking!" Somewhere in the background, music began to play faintly.
"What do you mean?"
"What about that time you held a meeting for all the Asian countries?"
"What of it, aru?"
"Well, could one of the western countries come?"
"No! We don't want immature western nations there!" At this, America burst out laughing.
"You see!" And then, the strangest thing happened, the music that was softly playing got louder, and America began to sing!
"You're a little bit racist!" China felt the odd urge to join in, and did, turning to face the other nation head on.
"Well you're a little bit too!" China sang, holding his arms out, the sleeves hanging off his hands.
A: "I guess we're both a little bit racist…"
C: "Admitting it is not an easy thing to do…"
A: "But I guess it's true…"
C: "Between me and you, I think…"
Now they both began to sing together. "Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes. Doesn't mean we go around committing, hate crimes. Look around and you will find, no one's really colour blind, maybe it's a fact we all should face! Everyone makes judgements… based on race!" Both nations were now linking arms and tilting their heads to the sky, before turning to face each other again, pushing away from each other before pulling back in.
"No not big judgements like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from!" America said.
"No!" China clasped his arms together and shook his head.
"No, just little judgements like thinking that Mexican busboys should learn to speak goddamn English!" America continued, beaming widely.
"Right!" China nodded his approval, and he was now beaming widely as well, thoroughly enjoying himself.
They both began singing together again. "Everyone's a little bit racist, today. So everyone's a little bit racist, okay! Ethnic jokes might be uncouth, but ya laugh because they're based on truth, don't take them as personal attacks! Everyone enjoys them, so relax!
"Alright, stop me if you've heard this one." America said, momentarily stopping singing.
"Okay, aru!" China said, also stopping singing for the moment.
"Alright, there's a plane going down and there's only one parachute! There's a rabbi, a priest…" America began.
"And a black guy!" China finished off, throwing his hands above his head, as did America. Suddenly, a wild Germany appeared!
"What did you say, China?" Germany grumbled, of all the countries, he would expect China to be more mature. The music seemed to have mysteriously stopped for the time being.
"Uhhhhh…" Poor China really couldn't think of what to say.
"You were telling a black joke!"
"Well sure Germany, but lots of people tell black jokes!" America decided to intervene, earning a glare from Germany and an appreciative look from China.
"I don't." How many times had he said, stereotypes were for brainless dumpkofs!
"Well of course YOU don't, you're strict! But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?" America went on.
"Well of course I do, but have you met Poland?"
"Now don't ya think THAT'S a little racist?" With this comment from America, the music started up again.
"Well damn! I guess you're right!" Germany said.
"You're a little bit racist!" China began singing again, once again throwing his arms up, his sleeves flapping around.
Germany didn't know why, but he had the odd urge - much like China did before – to sing! So he did. "Well you're a little bit too!"
"We're all a little bit racist…" America sang.
"I think that I would have to agree with you" Germany replied.
"We're glad you do!" China and America sang together again.
"It's sad but true!" Germany sang, throwing up his arms in a 'what can you do?' pose. "Everyone's a little bit racist, alright." He continued.
"Alright!" China shouted out.
"Alright!" America stated.
"Alright! Bigotry has never been exclusively white!" Germany said, really getting into the song. Suddenly, America jumped on the table, pulling China up with him. They shared a look before yanking Germany up as well, who protested for a second before joining the two nations on top of the table. Then Germany, China and America began to sing together, linking arms and twirling on top of the table.
"If we all could just admit, that we are racist a little bit, even though we all know that it's wrong! Maybe it would help us… get along!" They sang together, before plunking down on the table, each sprawling out, lying down. Once again the far away music dimmed.
"Ah Christ do I feel good!" America stated, sighing contentedly. Even the two more mature countries had to agree with him.
"Now there was a fine, upstanding man." Germany said.
"Who?" America asked.
"Jesus Christ." Germany said.
"That is true, aru."
"He was always giving." Germany said, thinking of the many stories he had heard from Prussia as a child.
"Can't argue with something even I wasn't there for." China said.
"Wait, you were not there?" Germany didn't know why this came as a surprise, but somehow he had always pictured the Chinese nation as immortal. America didn't see this as a way to answer a lifelong question though; he saw this as a long, unneeded history lesson. Luckily, he had just the right thing to get their minds back on track.
"Guys, guys! Jesus was Jewish…" At this, all three nations burst out laughing hysterically. Someone FINALLY heard the commotion and walked in too see what was going on. That someone was England.
"Hey guys! What are you laughing about?" Britain wasn't even going to bother asking why they were lying on the table, he knew from experience that that never ended well.
"Racism!" Germany yelled out from his place lying on the table.
"Very well." Britain said simply, pulling up a chair and sitting down.
"Britain! Come back here, you take out recycleabers!" They heard Japan yell. Normally, the quiet nation would never yell, but he was faced with a mountain of collected trash and recyclable material, and he could never sort it out on his own. You'd be surprised – or maybe not - at how much food wrappers, soda bottles and beer bottles were consumed and used in one meeting. England had said he would help Japan, but he had been distracted by the maniacal laughter coming from the other meeting room.
"What's that mean?" America asked, not fully understanding Japan's accented English.
"Um, recyclables." England explained. The three nations on the table burst out laughing; each praying Japan didn't hear them.
"Hey, don't laugh at him, how many languages do you speak?" England said.
"Oh, come off it Britain." China said, smiling. Then he began to sing again. "Everyone's a little bit racist…"
"I'm not!" England said defiantly.
"Oh, no?" America asked.
"Nope!" Was England's quick retort.
"Ha!" Was all America said.
The music got louder again, and England began to sing! "How many oriental friends have you got?"
"What?! Britain!" They heard Japan yell, before the nation himself walked through the door, and took everything in at once. America, on the other hand, began to poke England's cheek, singing.
"Britain buddy where you been? The term is Asian-American!" Then, by far the strangest thing to happen that day, Japan started singing!
"I know you are no intending to beeeee, but calling me orienter… Offensive to me!" They were all surprised at Japans slightly feminine but very nice voice, and his ability to hold notes and hit high notes, although the really shouldn't have been. At this England stood up from his place sitting down, and this gave America the best position to yank the European nation on top of the table. Undeterred, England spoke to Japan.
"I'm sorry Japan, I didn't mean it!" Japan walked up to the table and swiftly jumped on top.
"I know you didn't." He said, flashing a slight smile.
"But you're racist too." England said.
"Yes, I know. The Jews have all the money and the whites have all the power! And I'm always in taxi-cab with driver who no shower!" Japan sang.
"Me too!" America agreed.
"Me too!" China nodded his agreement.
"I can't even get a taxi!" Germany said, causing the other nations to laugh. Then, they all began to sing together, linking arms and standing up.
"Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true. But everyone is just about as racist, as you! If we all could just admit, that we are racist, a little bit, and everyone stop being so PC! Maybe we could live in…" At this the rest of the countries walked in, attracted by the commotion, and came just in time to see Germany, America, England, Japan and China, holding hands and jumping into the air from a table while singing the last word of a song, "Harmonyyyyy!" Hungary had already snapped about a hundred pictures, while everyone else just started dumbfound as the countries hit the table and collapsed, lying down in a fit of laughter. Grinning, China and Japan simultaneously stood up, and with their arms around each other's shoulders (which Hungary also got many photos of) they said, "Everyone's a rittle bit lacist!"
"Hey, America?" China asked, filled with the overwhelming urge to figure something out, which really had started this whole thing.
"Yeah?"
"Why did you start singing in the first place, aru?" America seemed to ponder it for a moment, before giving up and shrugging his shoulders.
"Just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Hey, dudes, up for ice cream?"
"Would you like fries with that?" Britain sarcastically retorted, not really by choice, but more out of habit then anything. Before America could respond, he shook his head, taking back his comment with a smile. For once they were able to have a calm, quiet (sort-of) conversation, and he wasn't about to ruin that. England looked around the room, and saw Japan and China talking like old friends, instead of the bitter enemy's you'd think they'd be. Germany was even talking with Austria and Switzerland, who had decided to put aside their differences to have a normal conversation. He watched Prussia walk over to the pair, and instead of the instant German argument he expected to break out, he was pleasantly surprised to find that all the albino nation did was ruffle the strict German's hair and fall into easy conversation with him, Austria and Switzerland. Deciding against breaking the peace of the moment, he smiled at America and agreed, before walking around to collect more people for their little excursion. He walked up to France, expecting the nation to insult him, hit him, or something along that line, but was pleasantly surprised when the man smiled, agreed, and joined him in his quest to recruit nations for their little break. Everyone seemed to be on the same train of thought as him, and they all agreed. Well look at that, looks like racism really did bring the world together. Well, the personification of the world, but close enough.
So, how was it? I sure as hell hope it was good, because you'll be suffering MANY more of these. :D Please tell me how I did, just use that little box down bellow! Reviews are loved, even by an anti-social, almost hipster but not quite, perverted writer like me!
Much fucking love, Madame (who's not French... but wishes she was... IN France, that is)