Hey all,

This is my new story, basically written because of guilt for discontinuing Iloved you, I still do.

This is Kurtofsky, and it will (probably) be entirely from Dave's perspective.

Warnings - Swearing, suicide, angst, unrequited love, character death, vague sexual references.

This chapter is literally just sort of a "what happened previously" chapter.

I own nothing.

Enjoy!

My names Dave Karofsky, and two weeks ago I killed myself. But apparently I can't even do that right.

Actually, now I'm getting ahead of myself. I should probably go back a while.

I had a pretty good life. But when I was fourteen I met someone named Kurt Hummel, and my world went to hell.

Now, I'm not saying I blame my problems on Kurt. I don't. In fact, we were sort of friends before I off-ed myself. Not close friends, but we were decent to each other. But when I was 14 years old, Kurt Hummel started at William McKinley High School with me, the only high school in the Cow Town that is Lima, Ohio, and the moment I saw him my mind was replaced by mush and I lost all rational perceptions of reality. To put it in simpler terms, when I saw Kurt Hummel, that was the first moment I realised I'm gay.

He was a twink, or at least, my friends called him that, and he was perfect. Still is. He was tall and slim and pale as fucking porcelain and had these really colourful clothes and perfect hair that looked really soft and a cute ass and… well I could go on about what Kurt looks like for the next 4 years of my after life and I probably wouldn't be able to get through all my opinions of him. But the moment I saw him, there was no turning back.

Three years later I was shoving the perfect boy into lockers and throwing slushies in his friends' faces. As you probably just worked out, I didn't exactly come to grips with my sexuality. I didn't enjoy it, but I was an idiot. I cared a lot more about my rep at WMHS then I did about being myself and at the time if that meant Kurt I was willing. I kinda want to go back in time and slap that me, tell him to get his act together and apologise, so that maybe we might have had a chance with Kurt.

Then comes both the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me in my 18 years of existence. I kissed Kurt Hummel. Now, it was hardly what I had hoped for. In my mind I had planned it out perfectly. I would apologise, and it would be really heartfelt and dramatic, the sort of stuff Kurt likes, and he would agree to go out on a date and there would be roses and dinner and everything he deserves. And at the end I'd kiss him. It would be perfect.

Unfortunately, god must have hated me, because it happened nothing like that.

One day I was in the hallway and so was he, and he had his phone in his hand. He was smiling like what was on the phone had made his whole day. I don't know why, but it pissed me off. A lot. I had assumed that it was his boyfriend, and what can I say? I got possessive. So I slapped the phone from his hand and shoved him into a locker. Usually it would just end there; he would glare at me and then walk off in a huff. But that day, I dunno, he was really angry, and he chased me. He followed me into the boy's locker room, yelled at me for a few minutes. I yelled back, playing the part of homophobic bully almost too well.

Anyway, one thing led to another and I ended up crashing my lips to his. It was awesome, to me at least. It wasn't sweet or nice like in my mind, but I was overtaken with emotion and he was so soft and it was perfect, even if it wasn't what I had planned. Because it was Kurt. Kurt Hummel. I was kissing Kurt Hummel. I cradled his head in my hands like he was porcelain, because he needed to be taken care of. But as I pulled back from his face I couldn't see the look of horror and shock, not at first. So I leaned in for another kiss.

And he pushed me away. At first I was kind of pissed. What other action was Kurt going to get in that cow town, he should be jumping at the chance to kiss a jock.

That's when reality came crashing down. I saw the look of terror on his face, that look that said you disgust me. But why shouldn't he have looked like that? I mean, I was disgusting. Not because I'm gay, I came to terms with that and frankly, if that was the reason Kurt would be disgusting too. No, because I forced it on him like a no good perv in a bar. Kurt deserved so much more.

So I ran.

Now, over the few months after that I somehow managed to threaten to Kurt's life (long story) and he transferred to some preppy school. To make matters worse, while he was there, for too fucking long in my opinion, he got a boyfriend. An actual fucking boyfriend. And his boyfriend was perfect. Still is. Gorgeous and in Glee Club, just like Kurt, and he acted was just so dapper, everything Kurt wanted. Everything Kurt deserved. Though I hated the little fucker, I couldn't bring myself to hate what he and Kurt had. Because the few times I saw them, Kurt looked so fucking happy. I couldn't hate anyone who made Kurt smile like that.

While Kurt was wrong I was sort of forced to acknowledge my attraction to other men. I usually would just stare at Kurt and that would be that, but while he was gone I caught myself checking out Mike Chang's abs in the locker room, and Sam Evan's ass in the hallways. Sure the attraction was never as strong as it was to Kurt, but I had been forced to more than once carry my bag in front of my crown jewels.

But I got Kurt to come back. I apologised, and I stopped bullying people, and he came back to McKinley. I learnt to accept myself and my feelings for Kurt. I won Junior Prom King 2011, I became striker for the hockey team in senior year, and my friends accepted the no bullying policy. My life was pretty sweet. For the first time since I started High School, I was happy with who I was and what my life was like.

Then Blaine Anderson, Kurt's prep school boyfriend, decided he couldn't survive at the prep school without Kurt and followed him to McKinley. Kurt's boyfriend started attending my fucking school. That was the one advantage I had had over him, the one place I could see Kurt without him being distracted by his boyfriend. It irritated me, but Kurt seemed happy. So I was happy.

Then one day I saw Kurt looking at me in the cafeteria, and the look in his eyes was very familiar, hell, I saw it on my face every time I looked in the mirror. It was longing. Lust even. I had quickly spun around to check if there was someone behind me he could be looking at, but there wasn't. I gave a little wave and he looked away with a blush, as if he hadn't noticed he had been staring in the first place. It was quite adorable actually.

Now, it may sound weird, but that was the moment I decided to kill myself.

I had been an 18 year old jock in the closet in a small cow town in Ohio; of course I had considered it before. But I had always thought of that as the coward's way out. And if anything, David Karofsky was not a coward. So I had gone to therapists and called help lines and gone online, and I had always decided against suicide. And I did love my family and friends, and I didn't want to give them that grief.

But Kurt was what changed everything. He had always been the final decider in my life.

You probably think that when Kurt looked at me in longing I would have been overtaken by joy and happiness, because I might have had a chance. But I wasn't. I mean, obviously there was a small part of my mind that thought this was great, that I had a shot I mean, but there was also the part of my mind that loved Kurt more than that. The part that made me deal with Blaine, that made me smile when he smiled, even if he wasn't smiling at me.

Now, being the creepy stalker that I was in my life, I knew he was planning on going to New York with Blaine for college. I knew he wanted to go and then marry Blaine (legally) and adopt little babies and go on Broadway and I wanted nothing more than for him to have that. I was a Lima Loser. That's what we called guys or girls who never made it out of Lima. That would be me. I would get stuck teaching high school gym or something and would probably stay in the closet and marry a woman, and Kurt would leave and be a star. That was how life was supposed to happen.

But if he liked me then that wouldn't happen. He wouldn't end up happy. I knew that. I couldn't go to New York or anything, so if we were together we would either break up before college or he would stay and resent me for life. If we broke up he wouldn't have Blaine in NY and I wanted him to have a perfect boyfriend to go to college with and spend a lifetime with. Someone who had the same dreams and who knew what he talked about when he talked about fashion and musicals and who would respect his boundaries. That wasn't me. That was Blaine.

So, all in all, that's why I killed myself. I did it to make Kurt happy. I wanted him happy. I wanted him to have the future he had dreamed. And I didn't want my presence to distract him from his relationship with Blaine.

Now, that was my life up until my suicide.

Killing myself was, in my alive opinion, the smartest thing I had ever done.

Actual suicide scene will come in the next chapter, because it is quite detailed and will take me a while to write.

It's a lot less angsty then I intended, I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Please review if you liked it, or if you saw any mistakes, or if in general you have anything to say to me. I allow anon reviews, but if you have an account I will reply :)

Lots of Love,
Mae