Buffy sat on the edge of the bed, tired beyond belief and full of conflict. He had told her that she didn't mean what she was saying. He thought he knew her better than she knew herself, but the grief overwhelmed her. Was it this strong when she'd lost Angel? She didn't think so, but that had been different, she'd lost him slowly, lost his trust, but had to watch him week after week, trying to hurt her. Spike had hurt her, but it was different, she'd fallen for him before he even had a soul, and back then the hurt was inevitable, she'd already been halfway to loving him when he got it back. Already touched on the problem that always faced her and Angel. If she gave him that one moment of happiness, the being that would emerge would come from her nightmares. If Spike had the same curse, the being that would emerge would already be her friend and protector, and she grieved for them both, Spike ensouled and the Spike who had defended Dawn with his life two years ago.
There was a knock on the door, and she got up to answer it. Willow stood shyly looking up from under her fringe.
'I just wanted to say I'm sorry, about Spike. I know there's a lot of cheering going on out there and I know we did good today, but you're allowed to be upset you know. He was special. It's okay to feel bad.'
Buffy felt tears springing into her eyes.
'How do you do that? How do you always know?'
Willow smiled. 'Magic. You want to come to the bar with us? Everyone's kinda hyper. I don't think there'll be much sleeping going on tonight. Big plus in the 'forces for good' column and the drinks are on the house. Apparently, more vampire activity in the Mojave than you'd expect and the locals want to do some back-slapping. The guys here heard the rumble, it even made the news.'
Buffy grabbed her coat from the bed, trying to shake off the feeling that he wasn't really gone, even though she'd seen him burn and - she looked down at her hand - had the scars to prove it.
The evening was fun, they all had tales to tell and the locals were happy to let them. Faith sat in a corner, subdued but smiling, and Buffy joined her for a while.
'Is he okay?'
'He's feisty enough. Wouldn't let me stay with him when he heard there was a party. But he's not like us B. He's not going to heal fast. He's in the fight, but he doesn't have the advantages we have.'
Buffy was surprised by the concern in Faith's eyes.
'We don't know what he has.'
'Just because there's Slayer blood in there, you didn't throw Dawn into the fight.'
'Yeah but I didn't stand in her way for that long either, and she's barely sixteen. He's a grown man. He gets to decide how he lives and how he dies.'
'Yeah, I guess, but what if something happens? That's my call, my responsibility. That kind've thing can eat a girl up inside. I'm on a thorny path to redemption here B. Having someone to worry about, maybe I'm not ready for that.'
'Maybe you're never ready for that. Speaking as someone who's best friend just lost an eye because of one bad decision I made. You have to weigh up the risks.'
Faith looked over her shoulder and laughed.
'Speaking of Pirate Xander. He looks like he's had a few too many.'
Buffy turned around to see Xander and Andrew about to launch themselves into Karaoke.
'Whatever we do, there's just no stopping the forces of evil.'
Faith laughed. 'I'm going to head back to the room, check on Robin. You look wiped.'
'Thanks.' Buffy grinned at her. 'Heh Faith.' Faith raised her eyebrows. 'We kicked ass today. You don't have to worry about your thorny path. I've got your back.'
She turned to watch the disaster taking place on stage, letting Faith leave the room. Was it like this with all of them? Could they all feel each other like she felt them? It was kind of cool to be able to trust Faith completely, to just know that she was being genuine, but she remembered the last time she'd been allowed into people's heads and that hadn't ended too well. She was more in the mood for spicy peanuts and pretzels than liquidised demon organs right at the moment.
Kennedy was pretty much wondering the same thing. There were a lot of slayers in the room and every time she received a congratulatory hug from one of them, she also got a wave of adrenaline. Was it going to be like this every time they got into a fight?
She sought out Buffy across the room and walked over to her.
'Heh' Buffy smiled as she sat down.
'Listening to the not so righteous brothers?'
Buffy grinned. 'And we had that big fight for nothing. You think they would be more subdued.'
'I think it's dedicated to Anya.'
Buffy smiled sadly. 'She deserves better than that surely.'
Kennedy shifted in her seat, 'Buffy?'
'What's up?'
She tried to think of a way of phrasing what she wanted to ask.
'Buffy. In the battle…did you feel….I mean, I know there was the big magic and we all felt something, but did you feel, afterwards…can you?'
Buffy grinned. 'You want to know if I can tell how nervous you are right now?'
Kennedy grinned back at her. 'Thank God. I thought it might just be me.'
'Big energy high in this room. My guess is that's why we're not all passed out right now, because I'm certainly beyond tired.'
'Do you think we should worry about it?'
'You know what? I think we probably worry about way too much. I mean it's not as if everything turns out to be evil, although I just totally jinxed us. Mention it to Willow, see what she says. I think we can leave this one till morning though.'
She sank back into her seat as Xander and Andrew came to the end of their number, and Kennedy got up to go find Willow. Giles was sitting over the other side of the bar at a table with some of the girls. He was laughing and talking, but he kept throwing glances her way, concerned looks and smiles.
Buffy turned to the girl nearest to her, muttering, 'I'm gonna hit the hay. I'll see you guys in the morning,' and she pulled on her coat, running the gauntlet of slayers to get to the exit. She nearly made it, only to find herself enveloped in a hug by Xander.
'What did you think of the duet Buff?'
'It was…do I have to lie?'
He grinned.
'That bad huh? Well I guess I'm not really in the right mood for singing. Are you okay? I mean, I know Spike and I didn't really get on, but well, the vamp got it right today. You gotta give credit where it's due, and he's due credit.'
He smiled at her and raised his glass. 'To fallen heroes.'
Buffy raised her empty hand to clink his.
'No drink? You leavin' us?
'I'm beat Xan, if I don't find my bed in the next minute I'm going to be passed out on the floor of this bar.'
'Well if you can wait five minutes I think Andrew might be keeping you company.'
He glanced over to Andrew who had moved on to acapella numbers and was forcing various slayers to join in on the key lines by holding out an imaginary mike to them.
Buffy watched him for a second. 'Tempting though that is…'
Xander grinned. 'Well sleep tight. We saved the world today. That's gotta be cause for a restful night.'
But at what cost? She wondered looking at his eye patch and wondering, not for the first time that day, about choices.
Xander caught her look. 'I like it Buffy. Well I don't love it. Black eye patch wasn't on my Christmas wish list or anything, but it's okay. It would feel weird to have gotten away from so many battles without one scar. I feel as though I earned it somehow.'
'You earned an empty eye socket?'
'I earned my place. Fighting next to you. No one could question whether I deserve to be here.'
'Xander,' she reached up to stroke the skin next to where his eye should have been, 'It was never in doubt.'
He smiled at her and she missed him already, missed the complete Xander, can you miss an eye? 'I kinda love you, you know that right?'
He reached his arms around her. 'You know it might be the karaoke influence talking, but ditto.'
Buffy left the bar smiling. Barely keeping her eyes open. She walked back across the street to the Motel where they were staying, past the tiny pool and over to her room door. Faith was walking past with a bucket of ice.
'Hey, I guess you finally gave in to the exhaustion too.'
Buffy nodded trying to fit the key into her door.
'B I meant to ask. I'm kinda getting weird feelings when I'm around you, is that…I mean are you….feeling them too?'
'Faith are you coming on to me?'
Faith looked startled. 'God no! I mean, geez that came out wrong. I was trying to…'
Buffy grinned. 'Relax I'm playing with you. You mean the whole slayer empathy thing? I think we've all got it. Kennedy is going to mention it to Willow, so I guess we'll deal with it tomorrow.' She paused for a second, 'although I'm thinking if Xander had heard parts of this conversation…'
'Never met a guy so easy to please.' She grinned. 'Well, this is melting all over me. I gotta get back to Robin. Sweet dreams.'
She strode off to her room and Buffy turned her own door handle pushing it forwards and leaning back on it in the delicious cool of her room. There was a king size bed with her name on it and she thanked whatever higher power might be up there that it was only three steps away.