Merry Pitchmas 2015! This is my second contribution, which is just my self indulgent emotional and smutty Christmas tale.

I don't own anything. Just a warning, this fic will have smut and the death of a family member. Enjoy!

Chapter One: And maybe, just maybe I'll come home

It was cold the day it happened. And that was what she kept with her.

It was the end of October. All of the stores were selling out of pumpkins and candy, she had finally finished moving all of her junk into their new apartment, and it was freezing out. Far too cold for what was still the beginning of fall, but maybe they had been lucky all year. Maybe it was fitting.

He found her sitting on their back deck that overlooked the parking lot of the CVS behind them, glaring down at her phone and trying to keep her shit together. She was terribly cold and his hands were a welcome comfort as he guided her out of the drizzle and into their kitchen. He pulled off her damp Barden hoodie, wiped the mix of rain and tears off of her face, and started to make her a cup of apple cider with the Keurig as she sunk onto a bar stool and tried to calm down.

He looked concerned as he turned around with the steaming cup, trying to smile as he studied her and also trying not to say a word. It worked best to let her go first whenever she was upset. She had a history of flying off the handle when pressured and he bit his bottom lip when he caught her fingers quivering as she sent a quick text. It was chilly out, the kind of unexpected weather that sent you digging through your closet for a sweater while cursing the weather man, but not enough to send her into this tailspin.

"My mom died this morning."

The cup slid out of his hand and shattered as it hit the floor, sending tiny pieces of colored glass flying as the room suddenly smelt like cinnamon spice and apples. She had loved that mug. Chloe had brought it over the first night before she started her job, grinning expectantly as Beca tore open the garish cat wrapping paper and pulled out a mug proclaiming her 'World's Best Boss'. Chloe looked a little disappointed as she had to explain the reference and she couldn't help but proclaim that she loved it. That she couldn't wait to take it to work on Monday. And then Chloe smiled again and everything was alright. It was funny how that smile could stop and start the world sometimes.

She loved that mug. She loved the way he swore under his breath and ignored the liquid that was running under his socks as he pulled her into a hug. He smelt like lemon grass and aftershave and she loved how he didn't say a word, simply rubbing her back and guiding her out of the room and to their bedroom where it would be safe. Where they could simply lay together and pretend it didn't happen until phone calls and plane tickets and packing would need to happen.

She hated that day.

He brought flowers back when he went to fetch them coffee. Her father surprisingly didn't have any in the house and when Jesse volunteered to make a run to the grocery store she breathed a sigh of relief. She loved him but she needed to breathe and any excuse to get him out of that house was welcome.

Sheila was being far too kind, making them eggs and sniffling through Warren's quavering memories of his ex-wife, all while letting the urn sit on her vintage coffee table. Beca knew that she was probably dying inside at the sight but didn't let on and she respected her a little for it. She would never let Jesse step foot in their apartment with a jarful of a dead relative and especially not if this was someone that he had been married to for fifteen years. If anything Sheila had a great poker face and she needed to ask her for pointers when the lump finally left her throat long enough for her to mutter anything other than 'Thank You' when Sheila kept topping off her tumbler of Bourbon.

She escaped up to her bedroom exactly three minutes after he left the house. Her father had shook his head and sighed when she rose to her feet, but didn't say a word. She hadn't said much since she had come over that morning and he knew that she was thankful that he had taken the trip out to Portland in her place to recover the remains, but he knew better than to push her. Their relationship had never been particularly lovely after the divorce and for all he knew she probably was considering herself an orphan at this point. So he let her go, wrapping an arm around Sheila's back and trying not to stare at the memory of a lifetime with someone he once loved. Someone who gave him his most treasured possession.

It had never really felt like her bedroom but it was nice to just lie down on the comfortable bed and stare up at the ceiling and escape. There would be no one there to rub her back or give her a gentle smile when the tears finally came and she was grateful. Her mother was gone and she was never coming back and she just needed to fucking think without feeling like she would break.

The tears came five minutes after he left. She was a timeline of falling apart.

She didn't know how long it had been when he opened the door and stepped inside. All she knew was that her pillow case was soaked and covered with eyeliner and all she wanted to do was go home. She wanted to curl up in their cute little claw foot bath tub and get clean again before he would rescue her and return her to their bed. She knew that she wouldn't get much sleep but that didn't really matter anyway. She just wanted to feel comfortable in her skin again.

She wiped off her face while pulling her knees into her chest and resting her head on top. He shot her a small smile while closing the door behind him and taking a few steps closer. He looked terribly endearing with his too-long tie and scruffy beard and she wanted to simultaneously laugh at his dorkiness while burrowing into his arms and just staying there for a while. She was glad he came back. She would never admit it out loud but the simple act of just having him here was what she needed.

"I realized that I should have brought you flowers", he whispered while smiling knowingly once she got his reference and rolled her eyes. "And held your hand."

The bed shifted as he sunk onto the bed across from her and held out the bouquet of roses. They weren't exactly mourning flowers and she was sure that he had simply picked out the first beautiful bunch that he found in the small grocery store, but they were still nice. They smelt good as she pressed them to her face and breathed in deeply. They were her mother's favorite. She knew that he couldn't have ever known that and she would never reveal it, wanting to keep the remaining secrets and memories of her mother to herself. It wasn't selfish to hold on like that.

"I didn't realize that I was dating Bruno Mars. I would have thought by now that you would have shared your cocaine with me."

"I'm a man of surprises, my dear." He combed his fingers through her hair even though he knew she hated to be touched like that and lingered on her cheekbones, smoothing away some of her smeared makeup before taking her hands in his. "And no cocaine for you, missy. We can't have you wasting your talents that way."

She laughed at how sincere he sounded. It wasn't particularly funny but it broke up the tension that had seeped into her bones. He joined her a few moments later and played with his hands when her pearls of laughter eventually faded into choking sobs. She shielded her face from his concerned eyes but he didn't move from her side, simply choosing to give her a little space as he released her hands and tried not to look at her. She didn't want the kind of affection and care that he could give her and that was okay. He could change to be what she needed in that moment.

That was truly what love was.

Chloe showed up two days later. Beca wasn't sure how she found out, since she had turned her phone off the moment after Jesse made a Facebook message about it, but she assumed it was from that. She had begged him not to, not wanting the attention and the pity from their friends, but he wasn't having it. He didn't want her to have to make excuses for being absent from their parties and for not responding to their texts. He didn't want her to have to explain her emotions away.

The funny thing was that she hadn't felt anything in days.

Chloe had nearly toppled over when Beca opened her front door and if it wasn't for her last second reaction to grab her shoulder there would have been a giant mess everywhere. As Chloe steadied herself and got a better grip on her bags, Beca looked down at them and blew the remaining air out of her lungs through her clenched teeth. She had at least five bags loaded up with Tupperware containers with various contents. It looked like she would be better suited to be delivering meals door-to-door instead of randomly showing up at her best friend's house out of the blue but Beca honestly couldn't be surprised. This was just who Chloe was – always taking care of people even if they didn't need it.

"Are you going to keep eyeing me up or can I come in?"

Beca allowed herself to laugh as Chloe shot her a sly grin and nodded before reaching out to take two of the bags from her. Chloe breathed a sigh of relief as the pain in her arms lessened and Beca nudged the front door open with her sockless heel as she let her come into her home.

Chloe hadn't made herself a stranger since they had moved in and once she had the bags settled on their kitchen table she quickly started to put everything in the refrigerator. Beca had always marveled at and loved how quickly she was able to make herself at home and simply settled on one of the bar stools at the counter and started to dig through one of the bags. And just like clockwork Beca's stomach growled.

"I guess you haven't been eating so it's basically kismet that I popped over today." Chloe slid a container of chocolate chip cookies across the table and smiled as Beca grabbed one and practically crammed it into her mouth. Baking was definitely one of Chloe's talents and she hadn't been able to do much lately without a houseful of hungry Bellas to eat all of her test cakes and experimental cookie combinations. But really, she was just happy to see Beca eating something. She had worried for days if she was okay and eating and sleeping, but Jesse had asked her to stay away and she had tried until she couldn't take it anymore. And she was glad that she finally showed up. "Are they good?"

"The best", Beca mumbled through her full mouth and Chloe just laughed while sliding a napkin across the table for her to clean up her crumbs. "I'm pretty sure you didn't just wake up this morning and clear out your refrigerator for me though so this was pre-planned. That's pretty much the exact opposite of kismet."

"Don't question my word choices, Beca Mitchell. I'm just glad that you like them. Have you even eaten anything since…Jesse's post?"

Beca felt all of the heat in the room rush to her cheeks as Chloe tripped over her words and blinked back tears that suddenly filled her eyes. She hadn't felt any kind of emotion or sadness in days and all it took was Chloe bringing it up to make the world feel like it was slipping underneath her feet again.

She hated to feel out of control. She didn't say a word. Sometimes avoiding terrible things was all that you could do.

"Where's Mr. Swanson at? I didn't see his car down in the parking lot." Chloe made the simple decision to change the subject and both of them were glad for it. Chloe would have loved to have an emotional conversation and to just hold her and let her know that it was okay, but that wasn't what she needed and that was okay. She would be there for her if and when she needed her to be that person and for now she'd just fill a different role. "And by the way, the next time you guys get an apartment I would appreciate if it had parking right out front. I had to lug all of this stuff a million miles just to get to your front door. Way to make me feel welcomed, Bec."

"Oh, I'll be sure to tell Jesse that your wishes need to go a little higher up on our list next time we're apartment hunting. I think the proper order should be: Price, Location, Chloe not wanting to haul ass when she shows up uninvited, and presence of mice and/or cockroaches. Work for you?"

"You're such an ass."

"Thank you, it's my most valuable trait. And since you brought it up, I have no idea where Jesse is. He kinda left without telling me." Chloe raised her eyebrows at her and Beca threw her hands up while shrugging. "Don't give me that look, Beale. We may have had an argument over something stupid and he may have tried to make up to me and I may have told him to go to hell."

"Beca!"

"What?! I'm sure he's not there – the guy is practically a saint." Chloe just shook her head as she started to reheat a small container of her famous buffalo chicken dip and Beca went to search her pantry for some tortilla chips. Their fight had been petty, revolving around something as dumb as misplaced headphones, and the less said about it the better. She had a habit of taking her anger out on others and she hadn't been the nicest to him since she got the news so she honestly didn't blame him for leaving. She just hoped that he would come back. "You're in luck - I've got Tostitos and Fritos."

"Whatever you want, Bec", Chloe gasped while pulling the dip out of the microwave and burning her fingers on the scorching plastic container. She practically heaved it onto the island and shook her head in a way that reminded Beca of her father as she dipped a chip into the bowl and popped it into her mouth. It burnt her tongue and made her eyes water again but she didn't mind. At least she was feeling something, even if it was from her own lack of impatience and gnawing hunger. "I like that I've known you for four years now and you still continue to burn yourself every time I make this stuff. I would imagine at this point that you would have grown out of this stage in your life but maybe I need to lower the bar just a smidge lower."

"Go to hell, Beale", Beca replied sarcastically from her mouthful of chips and the girl looked momentarily hurt before she got the reference and allowed herself to smile. She hated to laugh at the poor way that she had treated Jesse and to somehow act like it had been okay (which is definitely wasn't) but she also could feel the tension growing around them and had to find some way to break it. She was sure that Beca hadn't left the house in days from the pile of coffee cups in the sink and the way her hair lay in messy waves over her shoulders and if antagonizing her would help in any way then it would have to be momentarily okay. "You um…never mentioned what compelled you to just stop by with all of this stuff. I mean, I appreciate it and I'm totally going to destroy that pan of brownies as soon as you walk out that door, but you didn't have to do this. I'm doing alright."

"I know that, Beca. It's just that my mom always said that when you don't know what to say you should bring food. So…ta da!" She gestured at the now empty thermal bags and nodded to herself while counting to three as Beca gnawed at her lower lip and seemed to be fighting off her emotions. "It was the least I could do."

"Thanks", Beca mumbled while sinking back onto one of the bar stools and looking down at her lap. She dug her thumbnail into an errant stain on her jeans and couldn't help but feel like she had been letting herself slip. She hadn't really cleaned up or changed her clothes since they had come home from her father's and while it had been easier to become one with the mustiness that had settled over their lives, maybe it was time to actually start caring again. "I'm just so tired of this room and this apartment and fucking everything."

"Then come outside with me and get some air. It's beautiful out and I won't take no for an answer."

"I take back what I said before", Chloe whispered as she leaned against the back railing with Beca and looked out at the view in front of them. "A better view should definitely make your list of priorities the next time you move."

"You're ruining a nice moment, Chlo."

Chloe just laughed and slipped an arm around Beca's back as the two caught their breaths for the first time since she had knocked on that door. She had been fighting an internal battle with herself since Jesse texted her and asked her not to come by for a little while. She knew that he wasn't doing it to keep her to himself or to keep everyone else away, but it still hurt that she couldn't be there for her best friend when she so very obviously wasn't coping well. It wasn't worth dwelling on it and beating herself up over it though because those days had passed and the only thing that mattered was now.

She was here. She was holding her. She could feel her heart beating and that was enough.

"I've never really lost anybody before."

Chloe held her tighter and placed a soft kiss on the top of her head before humming a soft melody to herself. Beca relaxed a little in her arms and let her head dip back against her collarbone as the wind started to pick up a little around them. The temperature had managed to stay mild since the cold front that had brought a wave of change into her life and maybe this season would be bearable. The universe kinda owed her that.

"My grandfather died my freshman year of college." Chloe closed her eyes as the memory of that day flooded back in and the guilt that accompanied it followed. It had been her first big mistake. "The Bellas had a tournament and instead of coming home when he was sick I went with them. My mom waited until we had finished to tell me and I cried the whole way home. I was so selfish and caught up in myself that I missed being there for him."

"I didn't…I'm sorry, Chloe."

"The terrible thing was that I didn't tell anyone – not even Aubrey. I just sat in the back of the bus and buried my face in my Bella's jacket and cried for two hours. I can't even remember what excuse I used when I disappeared for a few days to go home for the funeral." She sighed a little into Beca's hair and whispered "And the best part was that we didn't even win the damn tournament."

"Why didn't you say anything to them? They would have understood, or at least Aubrey would have." Chloe just shrugged a little and Beca reached for one of her hands, intertwining their fingers and keeping them busy as the sun started to finally creep down over the horizon. "Were you scared of them knowing? Sometimes…I don't know, it just feels better to not talk."

"I didn't want to be a burden to them. I thought that telling them about my pain and the awful thing that had happened would make them feel some kind of responsibility for me. I didn't want to bring down the mood or make them feel sad or like they had to fix me. I didn't want anything to change." She turned Beca around in her arms and rubbed her hands up and down the sleeves of her light jacket to warm her up a little as a chill started to set in. "But I was just a scared kid. I didn't realize then that those stories that we keep inside are the important ones and that it's not a burden to share them. If anything it makes you less alone."

Beca just nodded and managed a small smile while bouncing on the heels of her sneakers to distract herself from the sadness that was creeping up on her again. It had hovered around her for days, occasionally settling in until she did something that sent it to hide in the corner of the room until she was vulnerable again, and she hated it. She hated the prickling feeling of unwanted tears and the ache in her throat that reminded her of running for too long.

She didn't want to be having a moment like this on such a nice day. She wanted to wrap herself up in one of her favorite flannels and walk with her friend down to get coffee. She wanted Jesse to greet her at the front door with that doofy smile that she adored and to kiss her the whole way to their bedroom. She wanted to eat big bowls of pasta and drink until she passed out and to work and to love music again and to just fucking feel like herself.

She wanted her mom back. She never got to say goodbye. She wasn't sure if she even knew how much she loved her.

"I know what you're doing Chloe and I appreciate it, but I'm not ready to talk yet." Chloe just nodded as she slipped her arm back around Beca's waist and tugged the girl into her side. "One day I'll have stories to tell you about all of this and about…about my mom but not right now."

"You don't need to say a word, B. I wasn't expecting anything like that from you anyway. I told you my story because I'm able to tell it now and one day, when you're ready to tell yours, I'll be here for you." Beca nodded at her as a tear finally rebelled and crept down her cheek and Chloe swiped it away and softly said "Whenever you're ready, buddy. Even if it's a million years from now."

"Even if we're old ladies in the nursing home?"

"Even if I have a hearing aid and can't understand what you're saying. I'll make sure that I nod my head at the appropriate times and hold your hand."

Beca truly laughed for the first time in days and felt a tiny bit better as the warmth and the shake of her body filled her up just a little. She was sure that it would take hundreds of moments like that until she was completely full again, but this was a start.

"I know it doesn't mean anything and that you've probably heard it so many times that it makes you sick, but I really am sorry Beca."

"Thanks Chloe. For everything." She pulled her friend in for a hug and held her for a long time, not wanting to let go as the heat from Chloe's body warmed her up and centered her as her chest heaved and everything ached. She wasn't sure what stage of grief this was, where it came and went in waves and moments when she honestly felt alright and then the next second like she wanted to scream, but she knew that she hated it. That she wanted it to be over. That it had to run its course. "Do you wanna stay for dinner?"

"There's no place I'd rather be in the world. And hey, check it out, it looks like Jesse's home." She motioned to the light that was shining through the sliding glass door of the dining room behind them and grinned at Beca as she visibly sighed in relief. She had honestly thought that she had maybe chased him away for good this time. "Everything's going to be okay, Beca. I promise."

And somehow, Beca let herself believe that. She always believed Chloe. She had a way to making everything seem like it would mend itself in time with a simple smile and the glint in her eye. It had been the one thing that Beca had always loved about her. Why she had been her favorite from the moment they met.

And maybe if she promised herself the same thing then it would come true. Maybe everything would work out.

Maybe.

Chapter Title From: Promise by Ben Howard