I left the window open still, more out of habit than anything else.
He hadn't come in in many months, but that never stopped me. I kept that window open every single night, without fail, in the desperate hope that come nightfall, come ten pm, he would crawl soundlessly through my window and join me underneath the warm duvet.
Most nights I listened to the angry rock CD's that Phil continued to send me, in a futile effort to drift off to a dreamless sleep from which I would awake after a short time, still unused to the emptiness of my bed. But of course, what wasn't empty without Edward?
How else could it be, when right after you find the one that you truly love, they disappear, without the slightest trace of evidence?
I turned on the lamp at my bedside table, it was hard to get to sleep, and I had run out of repeats of those agonizingly sweet sleeping tablets that Carlisle had prescribed me months ago. He had prescribed me enough to supply a horse for a year, but I abused the privilege, and polished off the happy orange bottles too quickly (twenty-five pills a bottle, eight repeats).
The pills didn't work of course, I would sleep for three hours, sit for an hour, take another and wake up hours later, after a dreamless sleep (they were always dreamless) and wallow in my own self-pity, (because that was what humans did) all the while wondering what Edward was up to, and where he was hiding this time, (maybe Alaska, I hear it's good this time of year.)
I snuggled deep into my bed; my eyes wide open with dark circles surrounding them (even with the dark circles and distinct pallor I didn't compare to the ethereal, otherworldly beauty of the Cullen clan.) I listened to the pounding beats that came lowly from my stereo, able to recite each line, every word that spilled from the speakers as if I had crafted them myself, not that I was able to craft such magic; such perfection.
I curled onto my side, pretending that Edward was laying next to me, his cool skin grazing my own and pulling me into the kind of sleep that makes you never want to wake up again – the kind where you can feel that person's arms around your body, and you can see them in your mind's eye, and feel their cool breath with yours, and you're imagining your future together, with two kids, a big house, and that perfect white picket fence.
My eyes stared at the window expectantly, the way that they did every night; the trees rustled with the wind, the full moon peeked out from behind them, the same pale lilac color as Edward's eyelids, it was disturbing that even the moon, which should have made me think of dear Jacob, only served as a reminder of Edward, the pale lilac of his eyelids and the liquid topaz color of his eyes, and the way that they were that last night, just me and him in our precious meadow.
I glanced over at the clock on my bedside table, ten-oh-three, I sighed in defeat, Charlie's heavy steps blocked out slightly from my sobs, I prayed that Charlie couldn't hear, or that at the very least he would leave me alone. I suppose he should be used to it by now though, it's been going on for long enough.
I stared desperately at the window, hoping to see Edward any moment (I could imagine him right there, leaning into my window and brushing an innocent kiss on my lips, the way that he had done so many times.)
I felt like laughing, so I did (did I mention that I was pathetic?) "Bells? Is that you?" Charlie asked from the other side of the door, (I clutched my stomach as I threw my head back and laughed as if I had just heard the funniest thing on the planet.)
Tears leaked from my eyes, I was hysterical, of course.
I traced my lips with my finger, feeling my own warm touch instead of Edward's cool finger and the tingling sensations that he brought. It was far too easy for me to be able to imagine that it was Edward reaching out and touching me, and that we were both human and that it wasn't any kind of impossible for us to be together.
I sobbed loudly, collapsing back onto my empty bed; it was too warm for a January night, especially without the added coolness of Edward's chilly, marble skin.
Charlie opened the door, "Oh Isabella. You have to stop doing this to yourself. We both spoke to Carlisle and we know that he isn't coming back, darling." Through the blurry tears I could see that Charlie had closed my window, "Bells, leave it be." He advised, and I should listen to my father, because he should know, right?
I convinced myself that Charlie was stupid, after all, he and Renee had taken off when they were only a little bit older than I was, no smart, sane, normal person did that.
I laughed hysterically again, "Right. Because all of a sudden you're the expert on relationships." He looked at me, disappointment shining in his eyes, I could tell this even through the tears that blocked my view. I laughed harshly again, Charlie was just one more person that I would drive out of my life with my pathetic pettiness and my soft spot for Edward, because when Edward came back (and I knew that he would,) I would take him back because he had never stopped loving me, and I would never, ever, stop loving him either.
Charlie looked at me and sighed, sitting on the bed for a moment to ruffle my hair (Edward loved ruffling my hair,) he stood as quickly as he sat, "I'm here when you come to your senses, kid." He was getting sick and tired of it too, I couldn't wait to get rid of him too, then I could be deliciously alone with nothing to consume me, just thoughts of Edward Cullen and his eyes that color of melting, golden butterscotch.
Ten-oh-eight.
I sighed and stood from the crumpled mess that I'd become, covered in blankets, and lost amongst the pillows, opening my window again, he would come back, he would come home to me, I knew that he would, because that was what Edward Cullen did, he always came back, that was something that I could always depend on above all else.
And if it wasn't something that I could depend on I could always, always, depend on me lying to myself, and my pathetic, aching heart that still beat hollowly in my chest, but no matter how little it beat, Edward, and the memories, thoughts, and fantasies of him, they were the only things that kept it beating; Edward was the only thing that kept me alive, and that, is my greatest downfall, my weakness, my Achilles heel.
I sang along to angry rock, a mix CD of Atreyu, Cursive, Nirvana, and eventually the dreamlike sounds of Placebo and the smooth, liquid velvet voice of Brian Molko, probably the only thing that ever got me to sleep.
"Soulmates never die…" I sang lowly, with tears falling from my eyes.
Ten-fourteen.
I closed my eyes tightly, wishing the tears away.
"Hushhhh… It's o-kay. Dry your eye. Dry your eye. Soulmate dry your eye…" I swallowed deeply, "Cause soulmates never die." Some nights, the song soothed me, other nights it kept me awake and I kept running the words through my head and my CD player all night as I lay awake in the empty bed; beneath the cover of night, I felt like I could feel however I wanted, with no vampires, parents or friends to tell me what to feel, obviously there was the occasional night that Charlie would try to be a parent and come to check up on me, but those nights were growing less and less frequent, and I had to thank God for that, it made it infinitely easier when I could wear my hurt and my heartbreak on my sleeve without every nosy person in Forks trying to inject themselves into it.
Ten-eighteen.
I heard the shuffling of trees in the distance, it was Edward, of course it was, it had to be, maybe he could read my mind, or maybe he just knew how torn up I would be and had come to save my from myself, never mind, it didn't matter, all that did matter was Edward and me, and an eternity together.
I closed my eyes lightly and breathed in, uncaring that my eyes were bloodshot with dark bags underneath them, all that I could think of was Edward at my window, and my lips on his lips, and his body cooling my body, and the feel of the electric currents that only he could bring about.
"Bells?" My eyes snapped open; I growled angrily. "You aren't Edward!" The tears spilled forward, "Why are you here? You aren't permitted to climb through my window!" I said, cuddling further into the sheets, "Only Edward can climb through my window, don't you get that?" I asked, my brow furrowed as I stared at his six-foot-something figure, a dark, tall shadow in the pale moonlight.
"Bella, my stellar Bella, what is wrong with you." I laughed again, "What's wrong with me, Jacob, is you. You are trying to take Edward's place, but you cant, you wont. You'll never be him." I spat out venomously (my venom right then had to be worse than the one that lingered in the vampire's mouths,) "I love Edward, and I will never love you, Jacob Black." I spat it at him like a vulgar curse, and he just stared at me pitifully and sighed, "I tried Bella, when nobody else would, but you pushed me away too." He shook his head at me, "You're a mess Bella, and you're whiter than them." I laughed lightly, tragically, that was funny, Edward had once said something similar, and I racked my brain trying to remember the exact thing (all I could remember was that it revolved around ghosts, needles, Edward, and me,) "Goodbye, Bella." He climbed out of my window, graceful, but not nearly as graceful as Edward had always been.
Jacob would never compare.
"He's just a waste of time and a waste of space." Ha. Of course Jacob would say that, Jacob was, and always would be, Jacob, and Jacob would always be irreversibly and unchangeably in love with me.
Ten-twenty-two.
I bit my lip lightly, but let go before it began to bleed, I couldn't have that now, not when Edward could be coming in any minute. I sat up, pulling my pillow with me as I stared intently out at the window.
He would come, eventually, I was sure.
"Bell?" I growled internally. "I'm sleeping. Leave me alone." I said, trying to sound tired (but I couldn't truly be tired when I still had to wait for Edward to appear, as if out of a dream,) I looked the part, a sickly pallor and darkly circled eyes, with heavy lids that just could not, would not, fully close.
Charlie sighed on the other side of the door. "You have to eat." He said, before his footsteps disappeared and he left again, presumably to bed; if I were lucky I would hear his heavy footsteps and be able to feign asleep when he came to check on me sometime during the early hours of the morning.
I was getting better at it every single day; could Edward see me he would be proud, my acting skills had become much better, Charlie could never even tell the difference anymore, not that there was really much of one, I rarely slept these days anyway, and when I did, it was during the time that Charlie was in a heavy sleep of his own, in the hours between night and early morning, when nobody was awake and the world was at its most amazing was when I slept, when I could, because I hated being able to see that beauty without Edward to share it with – people were right, life truly was nothing until you had somebody to share all of that with.
It just didn't compare.
"You have to eat sometime, Isabella." Charlie said one last time before returning to bed, I wouldn't see him until tomorrow night, I would pretend to sleep in the morning, he would be gone when I escaped the dark oasis of my bedroom and he would be home in time for my less-than-spectacular dinner, which I picked at as if it were a chore, because I could be like them too, I didn't have to have food.
I was perfectly, inexplicably fine without food, all I needed was Edward, and I would be just fine.
Ten-twenty-seven.
I was worried now, he had three minutes, he was always in before ten-thirty, and I couldn't bare the thought that I would have another sleepless night without him there.
Twenty-eight.
I snuggled back down into my bed, he could come tomorrow, I could wait, I had waited this long, one more night, twenty-four more hours, I could wait that long. I would still love him then, he would still love me, and with that, with just that, a deep love and a promise of forever, we would survive, we would make it, and I was sure that we would, because we were supposed to be the epic love story, and throughout all the tragedy in the epic love story, the epic love story always ends happily, and that would be us; the people with the happy ending.
Twenty-nine.
"Cause soulmates never di-iie." The last words of the song played through my head, I'd already heard it a million and one times. The haunting melody went on, like ice, cool and goosebump-inducing, like Edward, love and tragedy rolled into one; a love that lasted through eternity, that even went on into death, but at the same time giving up on it because it could never truly be rekindled again, because a passion like that was so bound to burn out, like a shooting star, across the velvet sky, just a moment in time, and it was gone, and that was what it felt like with Edward, like the brightest light, but it felt too fleeting, something that I felt that I could not preserve, and the very thought of not being able to keep it, to bottle that feeling, it frightened me to my very core..
Ten-thirty.
I smiled despite my sadness, maybe in time I could give up on the notion that he would come back to me, and if he did come back, maybe I wouldn't welcome him back with open arms, besides, I had a life to live.
I could be miserable still, I would be, without Edward by my side, but I could make it work; our love would still live on, deep inside me, in that place where first kisses are eternal and hearts can never be broken, in those moments that are foggy mornings in my bedroom, and eternally cloudy, hazy nights, Edward and I would always go on in that special part of me, we would forever be in my bedroom, eternally having the same conversations about being good for each other, and about literature, favorite colors and inconsequential things that I would keep, like the words that spilt from our lips during the time between nightfall and sunrise, I would cherish every part of it.
I smiled still, thinking of Edward beside me, of Edward coming in through the window, of Edward leaving out that window in the gray mornings and occasionally the pink and yellow sunrises.
I closed the window and turned off the bedside lamp, it would be okay, not because it had to be, but because I would make it okay.
I smiled once more, looking at the full moon behind the shade of the trees, the lilac color making me think of Edward and I that first time in the meadow, with his skin shimmering as if he had been dusted with translucent glitter.
Of course I would always love Edward, but for now I think that I would be okay, and sure, maybe he wouldn't be coming home tonight, or ever again, but he would always be at home, in my heart, and there I would always keep him; in my heart, Edward Cullen would always be mine, and I thought of tonight was the beginning of always.