Prologue I: Arrival

(A/N) This is an extreme AU, featuring so much OOCness that if you like you're characters to act like they do in manga, you're probably going to bleed out if you read it. So don't. And remember, no flames or useless comments like:

"Belch." = talking

"Belch." = thinking

"Belch." = Jutsu / superior being

"Belch." = Superior beings thoughts

A boy ran through the streets of Konoha, a grin plastered to his face. His bright blond hair waved in the breeze as he tightly held an object to his chest. For the first time in his life, since he was born five years ago, he had received a birthday present.

Normally his birthday was a time of fear and pain for him, of darkness and despair. But this year, nothing could penetrate his happy little bubble. Not a hurled rock he caught, nor several adults trying to trip him. He had a birthday present, and he wanted to show the one person who just might care. He quickly ran inside the tall tower as he turned the corner, rushing past the ninjas in the hall.

"Hokage-jiji! Hokage-jiji!" Naruto Uzumaki burst through the door leading to the office of the Sandaime Hokage, and the only person Naruto truly trusted. The Hokage, unsurprisingly, had someone in his office, but he always found time for the hyperactive blond. The man in the chair sighed.

"Yes, Naruto? Someone didn't hit you again, did they?" The Hokage's question startled Naruto. On this day? Never!

"Nah, no way! Someone gave me a present!" He held the small box out to the startled Hokage.

The grizzled Sarutobi frowned slightly. That was unexpected. Normally he had to send out ANBU to guard Naruto on his birthday, and he had never recieved a present except from him.

"May I see it, Naruto?" The Hokage leaned forward and casually plucked the plain box from Naruto, ignoring the blond's cry of protest. He attempted to open it, but it appeared stuck shut. "Have you managed to open it yet?"

Naruto shook his head. "The nice man left before I could ask. He looked really happy."

The Hokage turned to his guest. "Sir, what do you make of this box?"

Naruto focused on the man in the chair for the first time. He was a bit taller than the Hokage and rather... effeminate. His blond ponytail arced up over and behind his head, and went almost halfway down his back, with a lock of hair obscuring his left eye. "No problem, un." The man leaned back and began poking the box on various sides, before holding it up to his ears and shaking it. "It's a remote detonated bomb, un. I could recognize that sound anywhere, un. Why would someone give it to him, I wonder?"

The Hokage paled. Naruto began to cry. The man fiddled with the plain box for a few minutes. "Done, un. Its disarmed now." He handed it back to the Hokage and got up. "Is that all, un?"

The Hokage was shaking in fury. "Yes, Deidara-san, that will be all." As the blond man left, Sarutobi turned to comfort a sobbing Naruto.

That night

Naruto sniffed slightly as he walked down the darkened streets. He still couldn't believe that someone would fake giving him a present to try to kill him. He would show them all. He would be Hokage. "Believe it!" he shouted, and began to run back to the orphanage.

Unknown to him, however, he was being watched. From the alley across the street, a pair of chuunin grinned at eachother. This would be far to easy. They rose from their position and silenty shadowed the boy down the first alley he came to. As Naruto almost reached the far end, one chuunin broke into a dead sprint, flipping over the stunned blond and landing in front of him, kunai in hand. "Going somewhere, demon?"

His partner spoke from behind Naruto. "This is for all we have lost at your hands, fox." He drew a kunai as well and clubbed Naruto over the head with his other fist. "Take him to the safehouse. If we can force it to confess that it is the Kyuubi is in control, they'll erect statues in our honor. If not, we kill the lying demon. We have been guaranteed three days by the council. Let's make them proud."

The next morning

The Sandaime Hokage was in an utter rage. He was livid. Someone had dared kidnap Naruto! But that wasn't the worst. The worst was sitting before him, spread around the council chamber.

"Hokage-sama, the council simply does not find sufficient cause to devote as much effort as your asking to retrieve the boy. A team of tracker ANBU or jonin? For the demon brat? You must be joking." The speaker was amazingly old, walking on a cane, with half his face wrapped in bandages. A black haired man at the end of the table snorted. "Is there something you wanted to say, Shikaku?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. Danzo, we all understand how much you detest the boy, but approach this logically. What if its a rival village? We can't afford to let a child that knows as much about the village as he does spill all the beans to Iwa or Kumo."

Danzo rounded on the pineapple haired man. "And what exactly would the demon-spawn know that could endanger us? He's not even a ninja!"

Shikaku began ticking off the list from his fingers. "He has used numerous routes throughout the city we didn't previously know existed. He has direct access to the Hokage. We know he's managed to discover the tunnel system under the city, which is supposed to be one our most tightly guarded secrets, on his own, so there is really no telling how much physical knowledge he holds of the cities layout. He could also easily be brainwashed into hating us and turned against us. How would that do for you Danzo? Do you want a repeat of that day?"

The Hokage intervened before Danzo could reply. "Thank you Shikaku. Have any of the council changed their minds?" He silenty crossed his fingers. If three of those against Naruto changed, then he could send out a team.

A pink haired woman from the civilian part of the council raised her hand slowly. "The Haruno's change their vote to retrieving the boy. That knowledge is valuable."

A scarred man sitting near Danzo raised his as well. "The Torture and Interrogation changes their vote as well. We know how easy it would be to turn someone like him into an enemy of Konoha." He didn't mention that it would be the village's own damn fault, which the Hokage thought was very tactful. Silence reigned.

Finally, just before Danzo called the vote to close, a medic-nin stood up. "The Department of Health changes their vote. The tunnel systems run directly beneath the hospital."

The Hokage sighed. That was one fight over. As the Hokage walked out of the room, Danzo smiled in victory. Everything was going according to plan.

The Hokage slammed his fist into his desk, leaving a splintered hole. "Damn you Danzo."

He had begun going through the records of current team listings that were suited for this mission. He had to assume the kidnappers were at least chuunin level, and would conceal themselves accordingly.

Shockingly, however, suddenly all capable tracking teams had begun long term assignments the day before, most of which were assigned by Danzo. Their was really only one person capable in the village right now. "No, two might be!"

The Hokage quickly sent messengers to the people he suspected were Naruto's last hope.

It was a mere fifteen minutes later that the two arrived. Silver-haired jonin Hatake Kakashi arrived on time, for once, reading out of his infamous orange book. Then came the blond ninja the Hokage had been with the day before. The Hokage addressed him directly. "Deidara, it appears that I have a mission that just might help you with your problem."

Deidara stared. "You mean you can get me in the village, un? But I thought you had said yesterday the council didn't like the idea, un!"

Sarutobi smiled. "There are two ways to join this village. The first way to become a Konoha nin is by popular council vote. That is the most common. The other is to perform a trial of combat, which has just presented itself."

"You will rescue the child from yesterday you saw, Naruto Uzumaki, from unknown kidnappers. Kakashi here will assist you, and also judge your performance to see what rank you deserve. You will depart immediately, and not return until you have the child. Go."

The two ninja nodded and shunshined away.

"Kakashi-san. Do you have any experience tracking?"

"Why yes I do. When I was in ANBU I relied almost exclusively on scent for tracking my opponents, as I found it much more reliable than the other senses. However, there is an even better way to track Naruto. Summoning Jutsu!" He slammed his hand into the ground, and a small dog appeared in a puff of smoke. "Do you know where we could find something that would have Naruto's scent on it?"

Deidara nodded. "Someone gave this to him yesterday, un. I had to disarm it, but wasn't sure if I had gotten it all the way, so I gave him a replica, un." He lifted a plain box out of his pocket. "It should smell like him. Does the dog have a name?"

Said dog immediately looked up. "Damn straight, you cross-dresser." Deidara froze. "My name's Pakkun. Now gimme the box so we can get this over with." The blond shinobi dumbly put the box on the ground. "God I hate rookies." He took a good sniff. "Oh, an easy one. He smells terrible. This shouldn't take more than a few minutes to pick up his trail somewhere around here."

As a matter of fact, it took two minutes and thirty six seconds for Pakkun to locate the spot where Naruto was kidnapped at. "Both are Konoha shinobi. They practically reek of this village, so I wouldn't expect that they get out much. Follow me!"

Deidara turned to Kakashi as they sprinted down the street. "What does that mean, un? Shinobi of your own village kidnapping one another, un? That doesn't sound like something they should be doing."

Kakashi sighed. "It isn't. But the poor kids a jinchuuriki, and as a result the villagers immediately associate him with the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the demon sealed within him. He hasn't even been told yet." Pakkun suddenly stopped, causing the two ninjas to rush past him before being able to stop. The resulting skid crashing Kakashi into a fruit vendors stand, and Deidara impacted directly on him.

"I don't believe it. Hey Kakashi! They've been holding him in this apartment the whole time!" Pakkun's cry caused the two shinobi to immediately disentangle.

(A/N) Dun-dun-dun! Enter the heroes to save Naruto!

Next chapter, the rescue. Not all that complicated.