Happy Without Me

Prologue

A/N: There will be more to this.

Summary: Sure, everyone says long distance doesn't work. But if anyone was gonna make it work it was supposed to be them. They've always beat the odds – until now. Now, Amy is just walking away like they don't have two decades worth of history. Karma doesn't know why Amy made so many promises when she wasn't going to follow through with any of them.

"We knew this wasn't gonna work, Karma."

Well. That's news to Karma. Because no, she had no idea this wasn't 'gonna work.' Or that this wasn't currently working. Amy made that decision all on her own. And up until now Karma actually thought things were fine.

It's rare that she and Amy aren't on the same page. At least it used to be. These days it almost seems like they're in different books and Karma can't really seem to pinpoint when that happened. When did she start losing Amy?

Sure, everyone says long distance doesn't work. But if anyone was gonna make it work it was supposed to be them. They've always beat the odds – until now. Now, Amy is just walking away like they don't have two decades worth of history. Karma doesn't know why Amy made so many promises when she wasn't going to follow through with any of them.

"Did we? Before you left all you kept telling me was that it was going to work, Amy. I just… I never would've done this if I knew…"

Amy's face on Karma's computer looks upset. But it looks nothing like Karma who's literally having trouble swallowing over the lump in her throat.

"I told you we'd try. I'm so busy now though that we barely see each other. I mean, how can we count seeing each other once or twice a month as a relationship?"

"A relationship is whatever you say it is," Karma says. "It's always been quality over quantity for me. You make me happy."

Amy looks off screen.

"I thought I made you happy, Amy."

"You did- you do. You do."

Karma feels her face fall at Amy's slip. Maybe Karma has missed all the signs. Maybe this hasn't been working at all and Karma's chosen to ignore it. But if it hasn't been working why hasn't Amy tried to work with her to fix it? That's what's killing her.

"Then what happened? What's happening here? We made promises-"

"That was almost five years ago. We were in a different place… we were different people then. I'm so busy now with classes and finding a residency program and the people here. And I like what I'm doing… I'm… happy. I check my phone sometimes and I just feel guilty because I realize it's been days since I've answered… and I feel awful because I'm so preoccupied that I didn't even really think of you. You can do better than that – better than me, Karma."

Amy got into medical school a few years ago and at the time Karma thought they had their whole future in their hands. She saw marriage and kids and careers. She's watching that whole mental image crumble with every word that drops out of Amy's mouth.

Despite what she knows her girlfriend is saying, all Karma can hear is – I don't love you enough to even try.

"This isn't because I don't love you. I will always love you," she hears Amy say, "I just can't right now."

"But you could… for the last five years we've been together you could. And now suddenly you find something you like more than me and you can't?"

Amy kind of laughs this really painful laugh that Karma knows she's never heard before. She watches Amy let out a ragged breath before she goes to answer. Karma knows that breath – Amy's trying really hard not to cry. It's pretty twisted but knowing that Amy is hurting too actually makes Karma feel a little bit better.

"Karma, no. God, no. I don't- it's not as simple as you're making it out to be. We've been long distance for as long as we've been together... and this is only going to get harder. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you I won't be home this summer. And if I get this residency I'm just going to be farther away than I am now. That means another four or five years away and I can't predict the future I can't tell you where I'm gonna be offered a job-"

"I can move," Karma's pleading and she knows it's a last ditch effort.

She doesn't even really want to move. Her family is here. Lauren, Shane, Duke, Theo, Liam and Reagan are all here. But she's grasping at straws trying to keep Amy in her life when Amy's making it perfectly clear she doesn't see Karma in hers. At least not anymore.

"That's not what I want. That's not what the point of me saying any of that was. It wouldn't even be fair for you to move, I'd be gone seventy five percent of the time and you'd be sitting home alone. That isn't what I want for you and you wouldn't be happy. I know what you want and right now I don't see marriage or kids or a house – I don't see any of that in my immediate future."

"I think you're overestimating what I'm asking you to commit to, Amy. I didn't ask you for any of that right now."

"No, not right now. But eventually."

"Because I thought you wanted that! I thought we both did."

Karma knows they've talked about it. Years ago, when things were easier, Karma definitely remembers laying in the dark with Amy naming their hypothetical children. They'd talked about building a house that Dr. Raudenfeld would come home to. And then they'd giggled like little kids – Amy being a full fledged adult was so far off in the future it had almost seemed non-existent.

"And I did. Then. I had no idea how much I'd love this when we had those conversations. It was all just this imaginary future we were dreaming up when we first got together."

"The imaginary future you don't want with me anymore," Karma just wants Amy to feel bad. Karma wants Amy to cry because she can't hold back her tears anymore and she feels stupid for being the one that's so devastated over this.

"Karms…" she looks up to make eye contact with Amy, "if I have ever wanted a future with anyone – it's you. This isn't me trying to cut you out of my life… I can't picture not talking to you-"

"With what free time," Karma mumbles. She's fucking hurt and she's taking cheap shots. Whatever though. She'll take what she can get.

Amy sighs.

"I'll still be home for holidays and to see my family."

"Once upon a time I was your family, Amy. That's the thing. But now – I don't know how to be friends with you without being with you."

Yeah, they've been best friends since they were five. Karma is aware at this point that they were just friends for far longer than they've been together. But she's so accustomed to kissing Amy now. She doesn't know how to be in the same space as Amy and not touch her. Being with Amy is the only thing that's made sense in a very long time. And Amy fucking knew when they crossed that line there would be no rewinding. Yet, she's suddenly acting like they can just go back to who they were. Well, guess what? Karma can't.

"Ames… please… don't do this. Please don't leave me," Karma's begging and internally cringing.

This is exactly what she didn't want to do because this isn't her. She's better than this. She's stronger than this. She's not the girl that begs someone to stay with her. She shouldn't have to ask Amy to stay with her – Amy should just be 100% certain that Karma is it.

But Amy doesn't seem so sure – and that stings.

"I'm not leaving you for someone else," Amy wipes at a few stray tears, "I just don't see any other way-"

"I think I'd rather lose you to a person than a fucking job."

What she can't understand – if they're both so upset about this why is Amy doing this? If it's hurting Amy (and Karma can so clearly see that it is) why would Amy want to cause herself pain that could so easily be avoided? What Karma can understand – Amy doesn't want to be with her anymore.

What does it even matter that Amy still loves her if she has no interest in still being with her?

"That's not fair-"

"Fair?! You making decisions without me is what's not fair. We agreed we would do this together – that if we ever got to this point WE would have this conversation… but it seems like YOU had this conversation already. Without me. You didn't even give us a chance. I know you're saying you're busy, but you make time for what's important to you," Karma says and Amy puts her hands up on her head as she struggles to breathe normally.

They sit in silence for a while after that. Amy doesn't seem to have much of a response. Karma decides that means she was right. Amy has a list of priorities now and it seems like Karma isn't really in the top five anymore. So, there's that.

"Amy, I need you to be sure here. I need you to be one hundred percent you're okay with letting me go because if you do… just make sure this won't be something you're gonna regret five years from now."

Amy nods, her face all grainy and distorted for a second from the delay in their Facetime.

"I want you to move on, Karms, there are people better for you than me," Amy's tears are subtler now but Karma still knows she's causing herself unnecessary pain.

Karma shrugs, everything hurts. "I really don't wanna be with anyone else – and do me a favor?"

Amy looks up at her again and Karma's heart lurches in her chest.

"Please don't call me Karms anymore. That's not yours now."

And Amy looks so fucking defeated when she hears that. Karma can't handle Amy looking broken, even if it's her own damn fault. So, she shuts her laptop, throws herself on her bed and cries over everything she's losing.