Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

An LLS Production

Cross-posted on AO3 for other media.

Heaven and Hell are generally acknowledged to exist in the afterlife – at least, if you're into the Western conception.

The East Asian Hell is split into the Eight Greater Hells and the Eight Cold Hells, and each is further subdivided into two hundred and seventy-two subdivisions.

To further deal with the postwar diaspora, though, East Asian Hell and EU Hell had been establishing friendly relations to handle afterlife disputes. And, to cement the final treaty in the spirit of bonding, the bureaucracies had decided to go along with the age-old solution of hosting the Afterlife Olympics. Arts of war, physical strength, endurance, intellectual supremacy with fast thinking and judgement, even the magical arts.

It was meant to go so well too.

"Which blessed idiot decided to put the ice-skating component in Cocytus?!" A screech followed along with the moans of the tortured from the Central Well of Malebolge. "Why is there even an ice-skating component? We can fly!"

"Asian oni and European demons have a different conception of space and teleological purpose," Ji Guang-hong explained to the other. "Leo-kun might not know this, but there's an icing problem from flying in Cocytus."

"What, you've tried it?" When there was no reply, the encantado1 named Leo de la Iglesia did a double-take. "No way! What'd you do, fly a rainbow over-?"

"It can't be helped! But I was beaten out of the running... why does every think that rainbow dragons are limited to rainbows?" Guang-hong rubbed his arm, from which a frost-encrusted scale flaked and dropped onto the spectator stands that had been erected around Judecca, the fourth round of Cocytus. "Anyway, it's the first time that I've seen Japan field an oni instead of a Yuki-Onna. I'm looking forward to seeing Yuuri's performance! Phichit-kun is amazing too, and..."

"Oh, that sounds fun," Leo commented, the transformed river dolphin adjusting his hat. "So, who's representing EU Hell? Or is it only one person? The Americas are still a mess."

"Right," Guang-hong absently nodded, unwilling to admit or even comment on the theological status of the Americas. Messy business. When the longest-established field agents of Heaven and Hell preferred to stay on one side of the Atlantic pond, the other side must still be thrashing some things out. "There's a lot of exhibition matches but- Oh, you might want to hold on to your hat for this, it's the opening!"

"What? How?!" Leo demanded. "That's the Russian spirit of winter, right? Are the Slavs under EU Hell's administration?!"

"He entered under the Dis ticket to find Yuuri-kun," Guang-hong clarified. "They're doing the opening ice dance to Offenbach's Galop Infernal."

Which portion, Leo opened his mouth to answer, but a valley of whoops brushed past his supersonic hearing and made him frown as a set of familiar opening notes. Then on the modified natural ice rink before Satan's throne of ice flashed a riot of colour. "Is that...?"

"Yuuri!" A gandharva2 from Theravada Sumeru squealed and fell out of the stands, two anachronistic smartphones pointed towards the skating similar-pair dancers.

Both the comparatively younger spectators – Guang-hong as a Chinese hóng dragon and Leo as a denizen of the general Amazon above-world – cringed as the celestial musician bounced against the solid ice.

Guang-hong took another look and cringed at the sight of Phichit lying there, juxtaposed against the bodies of traitors frozen within Judecca. "Erm... I take it he's not skating anymore. Yuuri-kun is wearing... something very nice."

"Forget that, what's the general wearing?!" Leo pointed down to the modified rink.

"That's..." Guang-hong fell silent. Maybe Yuuri could get away with the ignorance – and he could be culturally appropriate, since he was outfitted as a kirin for this part of the Infernal Gallop. The General Winter, on the other hand, had no excuse for the ruffled poet's shirt with lacy sleeves, cravat, short-cape and horn-headband, and parading that ensemble in front of the hosts of EU Hell, composed of the Fallen and those of Downbelow and Tartarus alike. "Oh G- Sa- Somebody."

"Is the Japanese side singing?" Leo's eyes widened in disbelief as he leaned precariously over the railing that stood between him and Phichit's fate of sitting up on the ice of Judecca. "And... Bunmeido?3 Gyaah!" He pulled his head back in as Yuuri did a mid-air split – and Phichit rose from where he had been climbing up in front of Leo's stand.

"Made it..." the musician and one of the exhibit ice dancers panted as he slid onto the safe side of the stands. "Are they doing the pair skate yet? There's no fun without commentary, but- yes!"

"This is getting R-rated," Guang-hong blushed as the pair did a high kick and paired triple Axels before General Winter, who was once allegedly known as Nikēphoros, pulled his partner in a throw jump whose landing led to general applause, before the horned figure in white skated back to join up in a side-by-side sequence that might involve more hands than the young dragon was used to.

"Well, the flames of their eros is really getting the audience fired up," Phichit leant back over the stands, the better to film his target. "It's melting the top layer of Judecca!"

"Is that cartwheel possible?" Leo fanned himself. "And is it getting hot in here?"

A breeze blew, which shouldn't be possible since all

Somewhere in the lower stands, a newly fallen angel put his face in his hands. "Oh blessed G- Sa- Someone, not again. Get off the ice, you exhibitionists!"

It took a while for Hell's ice to freeze back over.

After which, General Winter and the warden from East Asian Hell were pre-emptively banned from ever stepping foot in any part of Judecca together for fear of all Hell breaking loose. That was due to the sparks flying from the force of their mutual attraction presenting a danger to releasing the Great Beast. As agreed upon by everyone in the two hells – and Hades after being distracted from holding the purse strings of Hell hostage – it was one hell of an exothermic reaction.

Critiquez, s'il vous plaît !

1 Amazon river dolphins, known by the natives as the boto or encantados, are very prevalent in the mythology of South America. They are often characterized in their mythology as wielding superior musical ability, their seductiveness and love of sex, often resulting in illegitimate children, and their attraction to parties. When it is under human form, it wears a hat to hide its blowhole, which does not disappear with the shape-shift. Besides the ability to shape-shift into human form, encantados frequently wield other magical abilities, such as the power to control storms, enchant humans into doing their will, transform humans into encantados themselves, and inflict illness, insanity, and even death.

2 A gandharva is one of the lowest-ranking devas in Buddhist cosmology. Beings are reborn among the gandharvas as a consequence of having practised the most basic form of ethics. Gandharvas can fly through the air, and are known for their skill as musicians. They are connected with trees and flowers, and are described as dwelling in the scents of bark, sap, and blossom. The terms gandharva and yakṣa are sometimes used for the same person; yakṣa in these cases is the more general term, including a variety of lower deities.

3 There's an advertising jingle in Japan that is sung according to the can-can song: 'Castella ichiban, Denwa wa niban, Sanji no oyatsu wa Bunmeido' – Castella is number one, the telephone is number two, it's Bunmeido for the 3 o'clock snack.