Title: The Color of Honey
Rating: T
Pairing: [Shinji x Kaworu, based on draft 1 of episode 24]
(You can find a text of said draft by searching "wiki evageeks," and "Episode 24 draft 1 translation." There were two drafts made before the final version of the episode, both of which are very different from the final episode.)
(Note: I also uploaded this fic to tumblr on January 6, 2014, under the name "Kawokitty." I'm the author. There are only two places that this fic should be found: here and tumblr. Reviews would be appreciated. Alright. Hope you like it.)
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The Color of Honey
Shinji turns and sees the boy with the honey-colored hair standing in the honey-colored rain. The navy blue of his umbrella matches with the navy blue of his sailor suit. The boy looks back at Shinji. The boy smiles. Shinji swallows. The boy walks over to Shinji. Shinji hesitates, and joins him under the umbrella. For a moment the skin of their shoulders brush through their wet clothes, and Shinji feels his insides tremble violently.
—
And now they are standing in front of the ocean. Shinji's mind is one honey blur, his thoughts swimming through a fog that is honey-thick and honey-sweet.
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about. We're both boys." The Fifth Child's lips open and close, the voice flowing out sweet and clear. And in one swift movement the entire top of the sailor uniform falls to the ground, caught momentarily at the bends of the boy's elbows. Exposing the soft glow of skin, perfect and flawless. All this takes about one second but Shinji sees it in slow motion playing out before him. The knot in Shinji's throat constricts as he fumbles with the buttons of his own uniform. Undoing them like his own heart is being undone.
The boy has stepped out of his trousers and his fingers are now pulling at the white fabric of his undergarments. Shinji watches as if in a trance. A faraway voice within his conscience screams for him to look away, but he is frozen in space. And then the boy named Kaworu Nagisa stands before him completely naked. His figure is slim and delicate. Shinji is surprised at how much smaller he appears without a strip of clothing.
Nagisa steps in first, one outstretched foot and then the other melting into the translucent water. While his back is turned Shinji makes haste to throw off his own pants and boxers. A soft breeze brushes against his nakedness and he shivers. He gingerly makes his way down the shore, eyes fixed on the naked boy caught between the orange of the sundown and the orange of the ocean. He sees the supple body slip into the water, wisps of wet honey hair spreading on the surface of the water. The glimmer of flesh as pale limbs emerge and redescend. Nagisa swims in graceful, smooth strokes, leaving barely a ripple in his wake. Plunging further and deeper into the water.
Shinji is still wading out toward him. To his despair, the distance between them continues to grow like an abyss. He is about to cry out when Nagisa turns his beautiful head. "Come on, Shinji Ikari," the boy beckons.
"B-but I can't swim," Shinji stammers, flushed with embarrassment at his own ineptitude. Nagisa laughs, and his laughter leaves a rippling wake in Shinji's ears.
"Don't worry, Shinji. Come and hold onto me."
Drawn irresistibly, Shinji wades deeper into the water that is now lapping at his torso. His legs are slow and languid in the thick water, as though he were moving through a vat of honey. Nagisa watches. Smiling. Unmoving. Far away, much too far away. The water is now up to Shinji's shoulders, filling up slowly towards his neck. The ocean is deserted save for their two heads breaking the surface of the still water. Suddenly Shinji's foot parts from solid ground and he finds himself falling –
"Kaworu," he cries, "Kaworu!" Frantically, he lifts one outstretched hand towards the silhouette of the other boy in the distance –
And it meets nothing. The stagnant water is a sickening lukewarm as Shinji feels his head become submerged. Its acidity burns his eyes and nose. A mouthful of it rushes in as he opens his mouth to better scream out the name of the other boy. For a moment his body is paralyzed by the shock of his own despair. Then he begins to flail, panicking and desperate –
And suddenly he is lifted out of the water, seized firmly by a pair of soft arms. As his head breaks through the surface, Shinji coughs and chokes and sputters as his body quakes and trembles violently.
"Shh, shh, it'll be okay," Nagisa whispers, pressing himself against Shinji in a tight embrace, his slender legs making long, strong strokes toward the shore. Shinji wraps his arms around the bone of Nagisa's shoulder as though for dear life and allows his own legs to become numb and listless. His heart flutters helplessly as his naked chest and torso slide against the naked skin of the other boy. The warmth radiating from the other body both soothes and agitates him. Shinji thinks that if he were to die, this would be the moment most suitable to do so, melted into the warmth of another skin. They are speedily approaching the shore and Shinji can do nothing more but hold on tightly.
They reach a shallow area of the water. Nagisa places his pale hands on Shinji's hips so as to steady him, helping him to regain his footing. "You really can't swim," Nagisa chuckles.
Now standing on his own feet, Shinji pulls the boy closer to him by his slender waist, so that they are pressed against each other again. His heart thrums as he does so. He lowers his head so that his cheek is resting on the bony shoulder. Almost instantly they come: the tears, hot and angry and unrelenting. "You're so m-mean, Kaworu. I t-trusted you," he stammers between choked sobs, body shuddering with each syllable.
Shinji wipes his eyes and as he does so his arm slides against the other boy's back. He inhales deeply and smells the faint pungency of the lifeless ocean. Nagisa's supple arms are wrapped around Shinji's shoulders, soothing and apologetic. Both of their bodies are radiating heat from the exertion of the swim. Wet skin slick against wet skin and Shinji becomes acutely aware of the perfection of the moment.
Shinji's heart begins to pound as a newfound wave of terror rushes over him. Nagisa does not move. Allows his arms to stay around Shinji's shoulders. Allows their bodies to continue pressing as though melded into one. Allows this small moment of indulgence. They stay this way for a long, still moment until Shinji finally and reluctantly releases himself. Breaks the embrace. Nagisa too lets go, then wades toward the shoreline.
—
In the dank and chilling air of the abandoned storage room, they dress themselves. The fading light of the sky imprints a last emerald glow extending out of the horizon line. Nagisa quickly pulls on his clothes, sailor shirt first.
"An emerald sunset. How beautiful," Nagisa sighs, his face tilted towards the landscape peeking through the cracked wall. These are his first words since the incident.
"Yes, how beautiful," Shinji repeats, his voice soft as an echo. His eyes are turned to Nagisa's honey hair still wet and dripping. Nagisa turns back his head to face Shinji. He is rebuttoning the sleeves of the sailor suit. He starts with the right sleeve, and so momentarily the open fabric of the left sleeve exposes his left wrist.
And then Shinji notices them. Several lines of fine scars marring the skin that he had thought perfect and flawless. Just as soon, the scarred wrist disappears as the sleeve is closed. Shinji blinks, his mind barely processing this discovery. He flinches at the sound of Nagisa's voice.
"Why were you crying, Shinji?" The question is asked softly. Gently. "Are you scared of the ocean?"
"I-I don't know." Shinij's voice wavers. But he bites his lip and catches himself. Taking a deep breath, he lets out his confession in a voice cold and flat. "When I saw you swim so far away from me, Kaworu, I wanted to fall into the water and die."
"Why did you want to die?" Nagisa asks, voice now low as a whisper. His languid eyes peer at Shinji with a queer melancholy. The sky is quickly darkening, the sunset fading into early night. Shinji feels the fissure of despair beginning to open beneath his feet. An uncontrollable torrent of words breaks loose from depths of his entrails.
"Why do I feel so pathetic next to you, Kaworu? Whenever I see classmates watching us, I want to run away or hide my face forever." Shinji's voice is wavering as a first tear runs down his cheek.
"Why is it that when I'm with you, I feel so out of control? Why is it that when I can't see you, I feel so anxious, as though this big hole opened up somewhere deep inside of me?" Shinji is screaming now.
"When I saw you so far away in the ocean – I knew that someone as pathetic as me can't ever deserve someone as perfect as you. And –" Shinji chokes back a sob, his voice now quelled to a whisper – "And that thought made me want to die, Kaworu." Because I need you and I'm afraid of you, he thinks but does not say. Because I'm afraid of myself and I'm afraid of being lonely. Because I don't want to be lonely anymore, Kaworu.
The sky is now entirely dark, enveloping the two boys in a shadowy veil. "Please let me see your face, Kaworu," Shinji begs. Screams. "Kaworu, oh, Kaworu, I…"
Nagisa whispers softly, so softly, "I'm sorry. But I don't feel that way about you, Shinji Ikari."
Shinji falls to his knees. Lets his sobs overtake his entire body. Nagisa sighs, his kind voice shattering Shinji's already wounded heart into a thousand fragments. "I don't want to hurt you anymore. Maybe you should stop looking for me from now on. Let's… let's go home separately."
But Shinji is not listening. His ears are filled with the sounds of his own uncontrollable sobbing. His vision is blurred by the hotness of the tears, his nose and mouth filling with their saltiness. The boy with the honey-colored hair is walking away. The distance between them grows and grows until the sound of Nagisa's footsteps is erased into the stillness of the night. But Shinji is not listening, entire body flailing against the currents of his own ocean of despair.
If only Shinji were not so ensnared in his lonely grief, and if only the sky were not so dark now, perhaps he would have noticed Kaworu Nagisa's perfect body shiver convulsively from head to toe under the wet sailor suit. And if Shinji's sobbing did not grow into a loud and desperate wail addressed to the empty horizon beyond the ocean – then maybe he would have almost imagined the silent tear trickling down Kaworu Nagisa's own cheek, all before Kaworu turned around to walk away, head down, into the lonely distance –