A Taste of Hogwarts
BY: MYLiFE'SBOAT
This is a disclaimer.
Summary: I hope you get swallowed and hit by the Whomping Willow before you can even step inside the castle. -Minerva McGonagall. BONUS: Revenge of the Marauders' Map.
A/N: I am, in no way, profiting from this work. This is entire fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
o-o-o-o-o
HOGWARTS SCHOOL
of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY
Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
Dear Mr/s. Meyer,
We are actually not pleased to inform you--but we have to say we are--that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on September 1. I hope you get swallowed and hit by the Whomping Willow before you can even step inside the castle. The centaurs and hags in the Black forest are waiting for you, by the way. We await your owl--not e-mail or werewolves, okay--OWL if you understand what I mean--by no later than July 31.
Your sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
o o o
COURSE BOOKS
All students should have a copy of each of the following:
The Standard Book of Spell and Avada Kedavra Versus Super Strength (Grade 1)
by Miranda Goshawk
A History of Magic and How to Kill Edward Cullen
by Bathilda Bagshot
A Beginners Guide to Transfiguration and Why Vampires Do Not Turn Bats Anymore
by Emeric Switch
One Thousand Herbs and Fungi and What Mushroom Turns Edward Cullen not Glittery
by Phyllida Spore
Magical Drafts and Poisons to Kill Vampires
by Arsenius Jigger
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and Definitely not in Forks
by Newt Scamander
The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self Protection from Twilight Fangirls
by Quentin Trimble
o o o
BONUS: The Revenge of the Marauders' Map
Stephenie Meyer suddenly came across a strange, blank piece of old parchment. She pried it open and tapped it with her finger while muttering incoherent words. Struggling real hard to cast a spell, without a warning, inkblots suddenly appeared and dotted the paper.
'Mr. Moony presents his requests to Stephenie Meyer and begs her to keep that abnormally large dog, which defames the glory of werewolves, out of my sight. I would gladly prey it Fenrir Greyback to make him straight and normal.'
'Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony and would like to add that Stephenie Meyer is a immature wanna-be novelist, fulfilling her own childhood fantasies on godly gits like Edward Cullen.'
'Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment to HER Edward Cullen, that a sparkling idiot like that even became a vampire.'
'Mr. Wormtail bids Stephenie Meyer good day, and advises her to stay away from Hogwarts or else I'll have my fellow Death Eaters to finish her off in in on spell.'
'WORMTAIL!!!'
The woman merely had her mouth hanging wide open.
o-o-o-o-o
END