NOTE: The lyrics to two Blossom Dearie songs are used in this fic; the lyrics to "Once Upon a Summertime" are in bold, while the lyrics to "Lucky to Be Me" are in italics.
"Once upon a summertime, if you recall
We stopped beside a little flower stall
A bunch of bright forget me nots was all I'd let you buy me
Once upon a summertime just like today
We laughed the happy afternoon away
And stole a kiss at every street cafe..."
The way it all fell into place would make it so easy for Grace to look back on this down the road and believe it was nothing but a dream. One of those dreams that was so realistic, it just slides into your memory as something that you're convinced really happened. One of those dreams where you swear you could feel it when you touched the one you were dreaming about. One of those dreams that would make you sound crazy if you ever tried to explain it to anyone.
One of those dreams you keep hoping will come back to you someday, even though it never does. But you still hope.
There were no witnesses, no one she could turn to later on to prove to her that it was real. Will was finally off on that scuba trip with Joe and Larry, after years of pushing it back and endless effort on Grace's part to convince him that even though her marriage had just fallen apart, she would be fine on her own for a few weeks. Jack's mother dragged him on one of those cruises she loved so much, for a dreaded little family vacation he constantly complained about taking in the days before the ship left the harbor. Which left Grace and Karen to their own devices for a three-week stretch of the summer directly following both of their divorces. Grace wasn't sure if it was the beautiful weather outside the office or the sudden dry spell of clients inside it that kept making them fidget in their seats, kept making them glance at the clock every three minutes. She wasn't sure if the need to be distracted from the way Leo lied and the way Lyle was oblivious to everything Karen needed in a relationship added fuel to the fire. Maybe it was a little bit of everything. But she knew it wouldn't be long before she went insane from filling her sketchbook with meaningless scribbles and doodles in an attempt to keep herself occupied. And maybe Karen sensed it; maybe Karen was feeling it too, only able to flip through the pages of the same issue of Vogue so many times before she ended up throwing it across the office in frustration. But whatever it was that caused it, that spark of light in the dark haired woman's eyes when she finally found a way out of the tedium commanded the redhead's gaze, and Grace instantly knew she would follow it wherever it led.
There were no questions, although there probably should have been. But if Grace was being completely honest with herself, it always felt like this was bound to happen. It always felt like they were slowly making their way down this road, and sometimes she could feel herself growing impatient to get to the end, to finally know what it was like to reach the destination you were always meant to reach. With any other person, it would have felt so out of the blue, so strange to fall into it without thinking. But this was Karen; the strangest, most out of the blue things felt so natural when she held them out for you, and you couldn't help but go along with them. But Grace could never help putting up a little front before she did. So when the dullness of the afternoon finally got to Karen, and she let the weight of her magazine crash against her desk, announcing their exit-"Honey, I can't take this anymore, we're getting out of here. Come on, let's go."-the redhead tried not to sound as eager as she actually was.
"Karen, I'm not going on another one of your shopping sprees." That was clearly what her assistant was getting at, wasn't it? Just an excuse to slip into a few boutiques, drop a few thousand dollars with an ease Grace knew she would never begin to possess. Although, to be fair, it wasn't like Grace wouldn't tag along just for something to do, even though... "Last time, you told me to pick out whatever I wanted, but you kept wincing every time I picked something up, and I left with nothing."
"Not every time! Just when it was something orange. Or yellow. Or ruffled. Or striped. Or had polka dots. Or that dress that was gonna make you look like a sad disco ball…"
"Okay, okay! I get it!" Grace interrupted, trying to stop the roll Karen undoubtedly thought she was on. And fine, maybe Grace had to admit that she was on a roll, even if it was at her expense. But still... "My point exactly. I'm not subjecting myself to that again."
"Gracie, no one said anything about shopping. Although…" Karen made her way across the room until she could brush her fingers against the fabric of Grace's blouse, "maybe we should put a pin in that one." Grace took a breath to defend herself before she saw the smirk start to play across Karen's face and caught onto the joke. "But good lord, honey, do you really want to be cooped up in here all day? Let's just go out there," she said, gesturing to the window. "We can figure the rest out as we go." She grabbed her purse from underneath her desk before she held out her hand. "Come on…" she drew out, the look in her eyes nearly setting Grace on fire without the redhead knowing exactly why. "Don't make me go alone."
Grace tried to make a big show of it, letting out an exaggerated sigh like she was really going out of her way to make Karen happy. But she knew she had the worst poker face in the world, and the way Karen's smile grew over her theatrics let her know the dark haired woman could see right through her. Which made a laugh break through her sigh as she reached for her purse. "Okay," she murmured. She took Karen's hand and marvelled at how her assistant's touch could be so soft and so firm at once. "Whisk me away."
Karen gave her hand a little squeeze. "Gladly," she smiled as she led the redhead out the door.
Grace had never heard her sound as genuinely warm as she did in that moment. And she found herself wanting to find a way to keep that voice close to her ear all the time.
The sunlight blinded Grace the second they escaped the Puck Building, making her cast her gaze to the concrete of the sidewalk, following the path Karen's slingbacks were taking as her eyes adjusted. Karen kept breaking the silence Grace didn't know how to fill with the smallest small talk, with "Aren't you glad we got out of there when we did?" (yes, of course) and "How hard is it for someone to book an appointment and give us something to do?" (not that hard) and "I can't believe they're sleeping on your talent." Grace assumed "they" were the ones who couldn't book appointments to occupy them, but the compliment was slipped in so seamlessly, so casually, that it stood out to her more than anything else, and she didn't know what to say.
Because when did Karen Walker ever admit she was talented without some sharp backhanded quip following it?
Before she could find the right words, Karen stopped abruptly, nearly making Grace crash into her. When the redhead steadied herself, she realized the dark haired woman led her to a flower stand and was studying the rainbow selection in front of her. She watched as Karen's eyes locked on a bunch of the most vibrantly blue forget me nots she had ever seen and started gravitating towards them. "Karen, what are you doing?" she finally managed.
"Well, honey, if you're not going to let me brighten up your wardrobe, at least let me brighten things up this way." Grace's smile grew into a laugh the second she heard Karen try to get the vendor's attention-"Hey, Flower Salesman! Wrap those up, will ya?"-marveling at this glimpse of her assistant that she wasn't usually privy to. Not a lot of people knew how deep Karen's generosity really ran; most simply assumed it didn't run at all. But Grace could see it peek through from time to time, could see the cracks in Karen's armor and loved the woman behind it as much as she loved the woman who was presented to the rest of the world. It filled her to know that Karen trusted her like that. It filled her to know that Karen's generosity could wrap its arms around her like this, with no warning, with no prodding. It filled her to know that Karen would take her hand and hold it tight like it was second nature, like her hand was always meant to be wrapped around Grace's. Maybe her hand was always meant to be wrapped around Grace's.
Maybe that was why Grace didn't realize she was still holding Karen's hand until Karen let go to pay the man with a couple small bills she was surprised she was carrying; maybe she needed that touch to feel at ease, to be at peace. Because she missed it terribly as soon as it was gone.
But it was worth missing it to feel the spark of Karen's fingertips brushing her skin as she handed off the bouquet.
She felt the spark travel throughout her body as she held the forget me nots close to her chest, never once questioning why she felt it in the first place. Of course she felt it. Of course Karen would be the one to make her feel it. Of course Karen could pinpoint what she had been missing in her marriage-had been missing in most of her relationships, if she really thought about it-and give it to her in a heartbeat. And of course Karen wouldn't make a big deal about it. Because why make a big deal about the inevitable? Why make a big deal about girls nights and elastic boundaries and kissing each other for every reason under the sun eventually leading to the logical conclusion?
This made sense to her; as strange and out of the blue these moments of kindness and sentimentality may seem on any other day, this made sense. Grace couldn't remember the last time something in her life made so much sense. And she'd be damned if she was going to mess it up by asking questions she honestly didn't care to answer. So she inched herself closer to Karen, linked her arm around Karen's, sighed as she felt Karen relax into her body. And she knew she didn't want to go back to the office just yet. "Maybe we should find some place for a drink," she shrugged, trying to play it off as nonchalantly as she could. "I know I could go for something right about now."
Karen's grin couldn't be contained. "Now, look who's getting into the spirit of things," she teased. "So what, all I had to do was woo you with some flowers?"
The redhead made a show of thinking about it even though she was convinced they both knew the answer was obvious. "It didn't hurt," she played back, giving a little shrug. Her heart skipped a beat at the sound of Karen's breathless laugh, and she let it linger between them for a few moments before she murmured in all seriousness, "But you know...I'd follow you anywhere. With or without the flowers."
Maybe she shouldn't have said it. Maybe it was too much too soon. Maybe she should have stuck with the joking vibe they had curated so easily against the Manhattan sun. But the way Karen gave her arm a squeeze before she rested her head on Grace's shoulder told her it was okay. And she settled into the moment.
They wandered until they found a cafe in Greenwich Village that looked inviting, and they settled around an outdoor table, Karen keeping up the small talk so seamlessly until the waiter came back with their cappuccinos. But as Grace tried to bring her drink to her lips, Karen reached out for her wrist, trying to guide the mug back down to the table.
"Bup-bup-bup!" the dark haired woman exclaimed. She held a finger up to the redhead with one hand while she fished around in her purse with the other, her eyes lighting up when she found what she was looking for. She pulled a silver flask out of her bag and started to unscrew the top. "These need a little something extra." She poured a little bit of whatever was in there into her mug before reaching over and doing the same with Grace's.
"Kare, you haven't even tasted yours yet, how do you know they need something?"
"Gracie, I don't need to taste it to know what's missing. Trust me, okay?" She screwed the cap back on the flask and slid it in her purse before she brought her mug to Grace's in a silent toast in and took a drink.
"You know, I'm not used to seeing this sweeter side of you," Grace smirked as she took a sip of her spiked cappuccino, unable to contain her "Mmm" when she tasted how wonderful Karen's little addition made it.
Karen let out a short, lighthearted laugh; whether it was over her reaction to the cappuccino or the words that spilled into the air, Grace couldn't be sure, but she welcomed it all the same. "Honey, whaddya talk? You know I care about you," she said.
"I know you do. In your own special way. It's just that usually, I have to dodge a few jabs first, before we get to this place."
She watched as Karen considered what she had said and took a breath. "Yeah, well...we joke around a lot, but you and I have had it pretty rough the last couple of months. We deserve to have a good day. And if I can give you a good day, then it's a good day for me, too."
Karen said it like it was nothing, like it was the foregone conclusion all along, like there was no other option and she assumed everyone else knew it too. But Leo didn't know it; Leo never seemed to put the effort into finding a balance, never seemed to want to figure out how they could give each other good days, then eventually found someone else to have good days with while they were still wearing each other's rings. And she didn't know much about Lyle Finster, but from everything she parsed together from conversations with Karen, he didn't figure it out either. It made her heart ache for Karen, that the dark haired woman had been so ready to share her life with someone who didn't really know how to make her happy, who didn't know how to gauge her mood by her drink order, who didn't fully understand what a gift it was every time she touched you.
Grace knew all of those things about Karen. She just never gave it any thought to act on that knowledge. Until now. Now, she was single and Karen was single. Now, there was nothing holding her back, nothing to make her guilty about feeling all of the things she tried not to admit to herself she was feeling every time they got a little close. Now, they had a chance.
And she knew she would regret it if she didn't grab it.
"Rest assured, this is a good day," she murmured, sliding her hand over Karen's. "I can't remember the last time I had this good of a day."
"Leon really didn't know what he had, did he?" Grace couldn't help it; her lips started to curl into a smile at the sound of Karen butchering Leo's name. It was crazy how something that once frustrated her so much now gave her an immense sense of pleasure. "He should have known how to treat you. He should have known how to give you what you wanted. He should have known to ask you what you want."
It wasn't the blunt assessment of her broken marriage that surprised Grace; it was the way Karen brought her hand to her lips and kissed her palm in the most tender, heartfelt gesture that knocked every other thought out of her head. She had always known a certain intimacy with Karen, to where something like this shouldn't take her breath away. But it did. Because this one felt different. It felt brilliant. It felt new. It felt filled with intent. It felt the way she always wanted it to feel, the way she could never quite admit to herself she craved. She took a breath and tried to steady the voice she knew would be shaky if she tried to speak right away. "But you seem to know how to do those things," she said. "You're doing them pretty well."
She could feel Karen smile into her palm and nearly melted. "I do my best," Karen said softly as she pulled away. "So tell me...what is it you really want?"
It took all Grace had to keep herself from telling Karen she wanted everything (although, part of her thought that if she said she wanted everything, it wouldn't ruin the moment...this was Karen, after all). But in that moment, she realized she did want everything. She wanted to feel the way she felt right now all the time. She wanted the lines they had blurred over the years to be so unrecognizable, they no longer exist. She wanted everything that ensured they could stay like this. The words were on the tip of her tongue; she could have let them spill out onto the table. Instead, she tried to take it slow.
She looked down at the way their hands were entwined, missing her assistant's kiss on her palm. "I want you to do that again," she said, nearly a whisper.
Karen caught her eye from across the table, that gaze fanning a flame Grace wished would burn forever. She had something up her sleeve, Grace knew it. "I think I can do you one better, honey," she said. She lifted her free hand, beckoned Grace to slide over to her side, waited until the redhead was within an inch of her. She brushed a wildfire lock behind Grace's ear, let her touch linger along her boss' cheek. And then she leaned in, brushing her lips against Grace's.
In the seven years they had known each other, Grace lost count of the times Karen had kissed her. To prove a point, to kill time, to nudge a boundary a little closer to the edge of the cliff. There were a million reasons attached to a million kisses, and none of them were ever that serious. But this time, this kiss, meant something. This was serious, important, critical. Grace could feel it; Grace could taste it. It felt like they had finally gotten over themselves and gave in to what was always there. It tasted strong, like this wouldn't fade, like this could last into tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. But she needed to know that she wasn't imagining it. So she took a chance.
And she deepened the kiss.
The way Karen let out a little sigh of surprise, the way she smiled into Grace's mouth as she gathered her bearings. The way she pulled Grace in as close as she could, her hands cupping Grace's face in a way that was so gentle and so electric at the same time. This was real; this was proof. She could let herself fall, and she was certain, in this moment, Karen would catch her. Although...she was beginning to think that she could have fallen at any time during the last seven years, and Karen would have been there to catch her. Because Karen had always been there. Karen would always be there if she happened to fall, she was sure of it. She just never before realized she could let herself do it.
Karen pulled away, breathless and smiling. "Oh, honey…" she whispered. "I'm beginning to think you and I want the same thing."
Well. There was no stopping her now. Not after that. Not after hearing exactly what she needed to hear to shake off that last little bit of inhibition. If she was going to fall, she was going to fall all the way. She rested her forehead against Karen's, let her fingers brush against Karen's collarbone. And she murmured, "I'm beginning to think I should take you home with me."
The dark haired woman reached up to Grace's hand and caught it in hers; how that warmth was able to send shivers throughout Grace's body, the redhead would never understand. "So, what are you waiting for?" Karen asked slyly. "Take me home."
Grace watched as Karen refused to wait for their waiter, threw a bill down on the table that could have easily payed for their check a few times over, and stood up to make her exit. She grabbed the hand her assistant was offering to her and rushed from the cafe to hail a cab. She half expected Karen to complain about that, say something about how she employed a chauffeur for a reason, but she never objected. Maybe she was just as impatient as Grace was to get uptown. That had to be it. Because as soon as they slid into the cab's back seat, she could feel how charged the air was, how they just wanted to do something, but they didn't want to do anything with a stranger so close to them. This moment was too sacred to just jump into. This moment was a long time coming, even if the cab seemed to inch excruciatingly slowly towards their destination. So if they had to wait a little longer, if they had to tide themselves over with the way their thighs brushed together and the way their fingers sparked each other's skin when they traveled each other's arms, then they would wait. Grace was already struggling; they had barely started their trek uptown, and it already took everything she had not to just pull Karen in and start exploring her skin. It was bordering on hell.
But she knew with everything she had that it would be worth it once they made it to her door.
She dreamed about this once. Years ago. After that stretch of time when Will was acting strange around her for reasons he wouldn't reveal, and she slipped and started dating the man he was paying to help him through it. After they moved past her indiscretion and his issues and found themselves on steady ground again. After a pitcher of homemade margaritas loosened them and their secrets up, and he finally told her about the dreams he had about her, the ones his therapist swore weren't about sex but presented themselves like it anyway. After her tipsy giggle broke out into full-blown laughter because she couldn't believe that's what the problem was, that he was annoyed she had temporarily replaced Stone Phillips in his nightly imaginary trysts. After he tried to get her to cool down by asking if she ever had dreams like that about one of her friends, by telling her that if she did, she'd freak out too. After she insisted it wasn't a big deal. After she started to sober up and went back to her own apartment across the hall.
She dreamed about this, and when she woke up, she blamed Will. He was the one who put the idea in her head. He was the one who influenced her. He was the one who coaxed that incredibly vivid image of Karen out of hiding, the one that traveled her curves so deftly and knew exactly what she wanted, the one that hovered above her like an angel before diving for a kiss that Grace swore she felt even though she knew it was impossible, the one that made her try to chase the bliss in those few moments after her eyes opened and she was thrown back into a lonelier reality. She woke up wanting Karen. And it was all Will's fault.
Except it wasn't. Not really. Not at all. She knew that. But it made it easier to forget the way the dream rattled her if she just told herself that he was to blame. It made it easier to forget the way the dream rattled her whenever it recurred. Because then she wouldn't have to deal with the revelation of how Karen made her feel, just keep it buried and keep going the way they always had. If she didn't give it a voice, it wasn't real. And she thought it was better for herself-for her heart-in the long run if she didn't make it real.
Now, though, she was lying on her mattress, anticipation coursing through her body. Now, she was exposed. Now, Karen was hovering above her like an angel before she dove for a kiss. Now, Grace could feel everything and know she wasn't imagining it, know it wasn't her subconscious playing tricks on her. Now, Grace knew she wouldn't have to chase the bliss, because this was reality, and this reality wasn't lonely.
She never thought she would live to see the day when her dream would actually come true.
She had been the one who led them to her bedroom, just in case Karen was still wondering if she was okay with this, just in case there was still a question of what she wanted. She had been the one to start sliding Karen's clothes off of her body, to sigh and smile when Karen returned the favor, to take Karen by the hand and gently pull her down on the bed. But Karen was the one who made her come alive. Karen was the one who knew how to thrill her. Karen thrilled her just by pressing her kiss to her neck. And they had barely gotten started.
Even after the charged impatience of the cab ride home, the dark haired woman took her time, studying every inch of Grace, letting her kiss travel a deliberate trail from her neck to her breast, her patience overwhelming Grace in a way urgency never could. All the men she knew before relied on urgency. They always got off on it, thought she would, too. And she would be lying if she said she didn't from time to time; the idea of someone needing her that badly was exhilarating under the right circumstances. But every time, she eventually started craving something different. Something tender, something sweet. Something that made her feel seen. She have never felt seen before, not fully; she just never thought she could be seen like that.
But then Karen came along, caressing her skin like she wanted to stay like this for as long as they possibly could. Karen made her feel seen, made her feel like the only other person in the world. Karen teased her body in ways she never knew it could be teased, in ways that drove her out of her mind in the best way, gentle yet explosive in some moments, calculated yet frenetic in others. Karen paid attention when Grace tried to guide her to where she wanted her to go. Karen made it seem like she would not rest until Grace was fully satisfied. And Grace couldn't believe she had gone the last seven years without knowing what this felt like, without gasping when she felt Karen between her legs, without her body growing taut as she felt that unmistakable surge, as she rode the wave of the sweetest release she had ever known, without bringing Karen to her lips in the aftermath, spent but still wanting the dark haired woman's touch on her body.
She couldn't believe she had gone the last seven years without knowing what it felt like to give all of these things back to Karen.
Grace wasn't able to get over how stunning Karen looked when she was this bare, thought for sure she would study her curves and her porcelain skin for far too long and kill the vibe, make Karen wait for it until the frustration overshadowed the pleasure. But every time she caught a glimpse of Karen looking at her, the dark haired woman's eyes were filled with so much love (that's what it looked like, that's what Grace had to believe it was) that she knew this moment was indestructible. Every time she let her hands ride Karen's curves, she heard the way her assistant sighed, moaned, called her name, and knew she would never be able to get enough of the sound; she knew if she heard nothing else in this world but Karen's breathless "Mmm, Gracie…" from here on out, she would be a happy woman. Every time she traveled further down Karen's body, Grace saw the way she clutched the sheets; every time Karen clutched the sheets, Grace felt it in her core. Every time Karen lifted her hips to try to reach Grace's touch, Grace wanted to give in to her wishes, even though she wanted to give Karen the same blissful tease she was given.
But when she finally let her fingers dance between Karen's legs, she wasn't at all prepared for the way the dark haired woman's trembling underneath her would send the most wonderful charge throughout her own body.
She watched as Karen's features twisted in ecstasy, as her assistant tried to stifle the cries of her release before realizing no one was around, no one could possibly walk in, and let herself go completely. She watched as Karen melted into the mattress afterward, and was overwhelmed by how connected she felt to her. She had never felt that before with anyone, that certainty that you're on the same level, feel the same things, think the same thoughts. She had always been a few lines ahead of the ones she gave her heart to, if not on another page entirely. But right now, with Karen, it felt like they were reading in unison the words to a story neither of them wanted to reach the end of. And in this moment, she truly believed they never would.
Grace found it nearly impossible to tear herself away, almost convinced that if she left the bed, if she stepped outside of this room, the spell would be broken. But eventually, after reveling in the afterglow, she journeyed to the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine and some glasses, noticing the bunch of forget me nots on the dining table and finding a vase for them to thrive in before rushing back to Karen. And when she made it back to the bedroom, she found the dark haired woman propped upright against the pillow and the headboard, looking so serene, so hopeful, so insanely beautiful that she almost didn't want to spoil the image by climbing back into bed. But she watched as Karen softly patted the space next to her, motioning for Grace to join, and the redhead couldn't resist.
"Hard to believe this never would have happened if things had gone a little bit differently in Vegas," she murmured. She settled back down on the mattress as she handed a glass off to Karen, and took a sip of her wine. "I wish I could have been there, though."
"So you could have seen me make a mistake?"
"So I could have stopped you from making one." At least it didn't last long with Lyle. At least Karen figured it out quickly, was able to get out without a lot of damage being done (it was more than she could honestly say for herself). But still, she couldn't help wondering… "What was it about him, anyway?"
Karen let a short laugh spill from her lips, making Grace realize she had said it out loud. "Honey, I think your post-coital chit chat might need a little work."
"Oh my god." The redhead winced, tried to hide her face behind her hand. "I shouldn't have said that, I'm so sorry."
"No, don't be." The dark haired woman gently grabbed a hold onto Grace's wrist, pulling her hand away so she could look into Grace's eyes. "You're kinda cute when you're awkward." On the lips of any other person, Grace would have been offended. But Karen sounded so endeared to her in that moment that she couldn't help feeling like she had just been given the highest compliment. "As for your question...god, I don't know. He liked me. He didn't annoy me...you know, at least until I started realizing he was allergic to compromise. Besides...I couldn't have what I really wanted, so I made do with at least having something."
"So what did you really want?"
Karen's eyes studied her with such intent, it would have brought her to her knees if she were standing. "Grace...I think you know. If you really think about it."
There it was. That was what she needed. To know that she wasn't imagining it whenever she thought there was a little something extra in Karen's touch. To know that there was something about her that could turn Karen's head. It overwhelmed her. It stole her voice to where she could only manage a whisper. "You could have had it, though."
"Honey, when? You were married. There wasn't a chance."
"But there is now. We're here now."
The shine in Karen's eyes rivaled the shine of the moonlight spilling in through the window. "Yeah," she smiled. "We sure are."
When she felt Karen's lips brush against hers, Grace tasted the promise of the infinite possibilities laid out before them. But she couldn't help hearing the voice in the back of her mind trying to drag her down, trying to tell her that she should be wary. After all, nothing about this day was routine; who's to say they weren't just getting wrapped up in the moment, saying things they won't necessarily mean tomorrow, doing things that won't necessarily count once the sun comes up? Who's to say this will actually last the way she wanted it to? In the past, she had dreamed of Karen in her bed; who's to say this whole day wasn't just some elaborate dream, too?
What's going to happen when she wakes up?
Grace could tell Karen tasted her questions in their kiss. And when they pulled away, the dark haired woman wasted no time. "What are you worried about?" she asked.
Grace tried to shake her head to deny it, before she realized there was no use. She knew how perceptive Karen could be. She knew she wouldn't be able to hide it. "Tell me this isn't a fluke," she murmured. "Tell me this isn't just for tonight."
The look in Karen's eyes gave her so much hope before the dark haired woman rested her glass on the nightstand and leaned in close. "Oh, honey," she whispered, letting her fingers ride the wildfire locks framing Grace's face. "Quit worrying. I'm not going anywhere." She looked like she was hesitating for a moment, as though something came to mind she wasn't sure should hit the air. But then she took a breath. "Do you remember that time Ben took you to the yacht club when you were seeing him? When I was about to hit the age Stan's first wife was when they split and I was worried that I wasn't desirable anymore?"
"You mean the day I kept trying to cheer you up, and you kept showing your appreciation by calling me a lesbian?" Grace teased gently.
Karen shrugged and smirked. "You say potato…" she joked before she sighed herself back into seriousness. "You kept calling me sexy and beautiful and vibrant, and I know you were only doing it to make me feel better. But it sounded like you meant it."
Grace didn't skip a beat. "I did. Of course I did."
"That's when I knew I felt something for you. There was always something there, I think, but that's when I knew for sure. Even in the midst of worrying about whether Stan was going to leave me. It just felt like if I was with you instead of him, I wouldn't even be worrying about that in the first place. And it freaked me out because you weren't my husband, so I tried to push you away. But honey...I've never stopped feeling something for you. I've been waiting for this for a long time." She started weaving her fingers with Grace's, her fingertips sparking the redhead's skin every step of the way, as her eyes commanded Grace's attention. "So quit worrying," she said again. "I'm not going anywhere."
It was incredible, the way Grace could feel completely blindsided by something she wanted so desperately to hear. Karen sounded so genuine when she said it, there was no mistaking how real this was for her. There was no doubt that this was as real for her as it was for Grace. And Grace never thought they would actually get to this place, had been resigned to the revolving door of mediocre boyfriends her life kept spinning for her. To hear Karen now was to discover another way out, right next to the endless cycle, that was a direct connection to everything she wanted, everything she thought she deserved. And she knew the dark haired woman felt it, too. "Good," she managed, tightening her hold on Karen's hand. "Because I'm not going anywhere either."
They didn't need to say anything more; the air was already so filled with their promise. Grace could feel it wrap around them as they wrapped themselves around each other. It kept them safe. It made tomorrow look blindingly bright against the dark of the night. It made it easier to believe that they could wake up the next morning and keep moving forward, that nothing would change from the way they left things tonight. So they lay on the bed, tangled in the sheets, listening to the way their breath and their heartbeats mingled with the sounds of the summer night. They settled into each other like they had done this every night, like they were a few years into something they just started.
And they let their promise linger in the air as they drifted off to sleep.
They immediately fell into a brilliant routine without ever once putting it to words, like they both knew exactly how this was going to go and accepted their fate a long time ago. It was in Karen's eyes the second she woke up in Grace's apartment the morning after the cafe and the flowers and the way the certainty in Karen's actions made Grace's head swim; Grace hoped Karen could see it in her own eyes before she drew the dark haired woman in for a kiss. They went to work together, Karen clocking in at 9am for the first time in seven years. They tried to be productive in their own ways; Grace would check her messages in vain for someone asking for her creativity before trying to sketch something-anything-to keep herself sharp, Karen would fill her martini glass a couple times as she looked on. They usually dropped the charade a couple hours into the work day and escaped to the possibilities the Manhattan summer had to offer. They visited a few other street cafes before they realized their hearts stayed with the very first one. They talked about everything. They talked about nothing. They went back to the flower stand because Karen insisted another bouquet would liven up the office a little bit. They held each other close. They kissed in the sunlight. They kept their fingers laced together as they walked down the street. They spent their nights together in the comfort of 9C, like it was the only home either of them had ever known.
They danced across the hardwood floor of Grace's living room as often as they could.
It started five nights into their daydream love affair. Karen was thumbing through the CD collection at 9C while Grace wrestled with the cork of their second bottle of wine, humming as she searched, stopping in surprise as she landed on something that clearly reached out to her. Grace glanced over at Karen as the dark haired woman sighed a satisfied "Way to go, Wilma" as she opened the CD case and slid the disc into the stereo.
"How do you know it's not mine?" she asked with a furrowed brow and a muttered "Oh, come on" under her breath as she strained to break the Cabernet free.
"No offense, honey, but if you're gonna make me pick which one of you is the jazz aficionado of the household, I'm going with your husband every time." Karen smiled the second the piano chords started spilling from the speakers, affectionately singsonged "He's not my husband" in unison with Grace because of course she knew Grace was going to object to the joke, and turned to the redhead, catching a glimpse of the smile Grace failed to contain. "Unless you can tell me what song this is and prove me wrong," she smirked.
Grace felt Karen's eyes on her as she froze to try to come up with an answer that sounded even remotely possible, heard the breathless laugh that had instantly become her favorite sound and was so much sweeter when it was just for her, watched as Karen closed the gap between them. She felt her body relax as soon as she saw the shine in Karen's eyes. "That's what I thought," the dark haired woman murmured softly, without a hint of judgment. "Here." She took the wine bottle from Grace's grasp and opened it in one swift motion before setting it on the dining table (god, Grace should have known to just let Karen work her expert magic on it in the first place) and holding out her hand. "Let me expand your horizons."
The redhead could feel herself already start to melt into Karen's touch as she was led to the living room floor, sighed as she felt Karen's hand slide to the small of her back, enveloping her in the most intoxicating blend of safety, warmth, and gardenia perfume as they started swaying to the music. Grace wrapped her arms around Karen's shoulders, pressing herself as close to this woman as she possibly could and willing herself to never let go. If she never let go, she could always feel this. And she always wanted to feel this. She always wanted this softer side of Karen that no one else could see. And even though she wanted to show the world how extraordinary Karen was, she knew this was a gift that had only her name on the tag, and she intended to hold it to her chest as fiercely as she could. She felt Karen press a gentle kiss to her neck and she sighed to the sensation before Karen's voice brushed against her ear, singing along to the music in a voice so soft yet so powerful, it would have brought Grace to her knees if she wasn't holding on.
"I am simply thunderstruck
At this change in my luck
Knew at once I wanted you
Never dreamed you'd want me, too"
Grace couldn't pinpoint the exact thing that made her heart overflow. Maybe the way Karen's taste in music surprised her even though it felt exactly right when she really thought about it. Maybe the way Karen's voice carried so much of the emotion the dark haired woman claimed never to feel, like it was easier to let herself go if she was using someone else's words. Maybe the way she just knew Karen chose this song for a reason, for that reason, for an easy way to let Grace know where she stood. Maybe the way Karen held her, how it made her feel so protected and so free at the same time. Maybe it was all of it mixing together to overwhelm her completely, to where she didn't know what else to do but brush her lips against Karen's and hope it said everything she knew she couldn't.
But whatever it was, from the way Karen kissed back, she knew she got her point across.
"I could listen to you sing forever," Grace finally managed when Karen pulled away, nearly a whisper.
The dark haired woman let a low giggle escape her lips. "Careful what you wish for, honey," she murmured, so softly that Grace couldn't tell if it was a joke or if she meant it; she never pegged Karen Walker to be insecure, but after these last few days of surprises, how could be sure of anything she thought she knew?
"No, I'm serious." The redhead felt the way Karen's hold on her tightened and she smiled. "It's like you could sing anybody's words, it doesn't matter whose, and it would still be your truth. It would still be the truth."
"Yeah?" Karen smiled, the light in her eyes blinding. "Well...in that case…" She studied the woman in her arms, made sure she had Grace's full attention, and their eyes had been locked for a few moments, she took a breath.
"I'm so proud
You chose me from all the crowd
There's no other girl I'd rather be
I could laugh out loud
I'm so lucky to be me"
Karen's gaze never once wavered from Grace's as she sang, the look in her eyes so lovingly serious it made the redhead think back to the moment she decided to bring the unlikeliest assistant into her world, when she had a pile of qualified résumés on her desk she probably should have been picking from. There had been something about Karen the day they met that made her want to be part of the dark haired woman's life, no matter how small of a part she ended up being. She wanted to figure Karen out; she wanted to know where this woman would take her. She had no way of knowing that this woman would take her to this moment, to a place where she would be wrapped in Karen's arms while Karen's voice tied itself around this song like a ribbon. She had no way of knowing that this woman would take her to a place where she would feel so incredibly loved and couldn't believe she'd gone so long without knowing what that truly felt like. But now that they were here, now that she was in Karen's embrace, listening to her song and knowing without a doubt that she believed what she was singing, Grace was certain that this, right here, could have been their only destination.
She had never known a moment as perfect as this. Five nights in, and it already took all Grace had to keep herself from spoiling everything by blurting out those three little words resting on the tip of her tongue. Because five nights was too soon. Of course it was too soon. Just out of a marriage, clinging to the first person who treated her with the kindness she didn't realize she had been lacking until she had it again. It reeked of desperation. It wasn't a good look. And god knew Karen always had something to say about what looked good.
Then again...if this was seven years in the making like she wanted to believe it was, if this started the moment "Welcome to Grace Adler Designs" traveled from her lips to Karen's ear, would it be so bad if she said it now? Wouldn't it just be the culmination of all of those lingering touches, those looks and laughs and turns of phrase that were second nature to them? Wasn't this what they were waiting for, what all these years of thinly-veiled flirting were for? After all, seven years was a long time to get to "I love you."
But seven years would be worth it if it meant that she got to hear how those words sounded in Karen's lilt.
Soon, the song faded into silence. Soon, Karen remembered the bottle of wine they had abandoned and made her way to the dining table to pour each of them a glass. Soon, Grace had missed her window and had to swallow those words back down and keep them at bay for just a little bit longer. But it didn't bother her. She could always do it later, when the time felt right. Because she was convinced they had all the time in the world.
From then on, they danced every night. They skipped around 9C's music collection at first, trying out a few other tunes so they wouldn't turn those first lyrics, that first melody, that first memory into something they could no longer stand. But they always came back to that song. It was their song. They always wanted to hear their song. And Grace always wanted to hear Karen singing their song to her, the dark haired woman's voice sounding sweeter, more sentimental than she had ever known Karen Walker to be. She always wanted to hear Karen hum to the piano interlude, hear her harmonize with the singer when she wanted to shake things up a little bit. She always wanted Karen to twirl her when they reached the glissando in the music-to be able to glide across the living room the same way those notes sounded like they were gliding across the piano-and she always wanted Karen to pull her back in again so they could listen to it fade out in each other's arms.
As far as Grace was concerned, this song and this woman were all she ever needed.
One night during that last week alone, though, she could swear she heard something different in Karen's voice when they danced. The same words, the same tune, but tinged with something that almost sounded like sadness. But every time she got a good look at Karen, it had been when she stopped singing and there were no traces of the darkness she thought she heard lingering anywhere. She started telling herself she was imagining it, that maybe she was projecting her own feelings about Will and Jack coming home soon. She liked the way things were now, liked how this was her reality. She wanted it to keep going, wanted Will and Jack to discover this new connection and not ask questions, just accept it as the inevitability she was wholeheartedly convinced it was. But she knew that wasn't how Will operated. He would want details, he would want to analyze. He would want her to explain herself and give a better answer than the cliche she had at the ready (because, honestly, it really did just happen and she really didn't plan it). And as much as she loved him, she didn't want him casting a shadow on her bliss.
She couldn't help it; she wanted Karen to herself. She couldn't bear to think about sharing her again. Not after they had created such a perfect little world that fit the two of them like a glove. So she tried to push it out of her mind, tried to focus on the present, tried not to let it affect her time with Karen. And she didn't give a voice to the change in the air that couldn't seem to leave them alone.
It wasn't until the day before Will was supposed to come back from his trip that it became glaringly obvious to Grace that something was off with Karen. She watched the way Karen tried to put on a brave face as they sat across from each other at their street cafe. She wasn't sure if she should be proud that she knew Karen well enough to be able to see through the mask, or worried that she was probably the cause for the mask to even be used in the first place. After all, their guys were gone, they've only been around each other for the last three weeks; who else could be blamed? Still, she tried to give Karen a reassuring smile as started to broach the subject. "What's with the face?"
Karen furrowed her brow, tried to wave her girl off. "Whaddya talk? I'm fine," she chirped a little too enthusiastically.
"Kare, you've been moping for the last two days, and you're moping now."
"Honey, I don't mope."
Her stubbornness would have been infuriating if it wasn't one of the things Grace found so oddly endearing about her. The redhead almost brushed it off, thinking they could just get through whatever it was Karen was going through. Except she knew that Karen was thinking about Will's return, about Jack's return. She knew that Karen was thinking about where that left them. Because she was thinking it too; she was just trying to make it seem like she wasn't because she knew that's what Karen was trying to do. "Look, I know you want everyone to think that Karen Walker doesn't do emotions, but I know you. You feel things. You can't do what we've been doing the last few weeks...you can't kiss me the way you kiss me and tell me you don't feel things." She saw the slightest hint of a smile on Karen's lips and instinctively brushed her touch against her own like they had just pulled away from each other. "Just tell me what's going on."
Karen shrugged, shook her head. "I'm just thinking about tomorrow. Trying to brace myself for when we have to go back to the way things were."
"Who says we have to go back to the way things were? I thought we were doing pretty well here."
"Well, sure we are...because Wilma's not around."
Grace hesitated for a moment, feeling like she already knew the answer to the question she was about to ask. "What difference does it make whether or not Will's around?"
"Gracie...we've known each other for a long time. I've seen how you are when you start to really care about someone. You don't want Will to get upset, you don't want him to judge. At least not until you know it's going somewhere. So you keep it from him until you know. It's what happened with Nathan. It's what happened with Leo...although, I will never understand why you cared about that guy so much."
The redhead couldn't stop the small laugh that escaped her; it was just like Karen to get one quick jab in there, and she had to admit, it was pretty warranted when it came to her ex-husband. She tried to recover as quickly as she could. "But I didn't care about them like I care about you. You're more important to me than they ever were."
"I can't shake the feeling that that's worse somehow. Like maybe it'll make you more secretive around him. And after being so out in the open these last few weeks, I don't think I could stand it if we had to sneak around." Karen took a breath, like she wasn't sure if she wanted to keep going but knew she had to. "Let's face it, honey, Will and I aren't exactly the best of friends. And I know how protective he can be when it comes to you. I don't blame him, really. But can you honestly tell me that if I stayed with you tomorrow, you could welcome him home while I held your hand?"
Grace hesitated for a moment, working her way through the tangle of thoughts in her mind. "Maybe I would need some time," she said softly, hearing Karen's sigh of resignation and immediately scrambling to fix what she started to break. "I'm not talking like a month or anything crazy, Karen. Just a couple of days. I'm going to talk to him. I am."
"Honey, I know you mean well, but it's the same thing every time." It was incredible how Karen didn't sound angry, incredible how she didn't sound critical of Grace. But it crushed the redhead to hear her speak like she was simply stating facts. It wasn't what she wanted for them; it wasn't what she wanted for herself. But before she could try to talk it out, Karen continued. "You want to say something, but you keep putting it off. You want to wait for the right time, but you're waiting for a time that will never come. It takes you a little longer to get there. And I know that. It's okay."
"No it's not," Grace said softly, to the point where it didn't seem like Karen heard her.
"I don't want to be your secret, Grace. I want to be your pride." Karen gave a half smile that couldn't fully hide the sadness as she slid her hand over Grace's. "But I only want to be your pride when you're ready for me."
This couldn't end. Grace wouldn't let it. Not after spending day after day after day surrounded by everything she ever wanted, hand in hand with the one person she never thought she'd be lucky enough to be hand in hand with. She wove her fingers with Karen's and tried to calm the nerves that threatened to steal her voice. "Karen, you have to believe me. I'm ready for you. I've been ready for you. I was ready for you the second I met you. It's different this time, I promise. You mean too much to me to ever be a secret. And I refuse to let anyone get in the way of this, of us. Okay?"
She thought she sounded firm enough in her sentiment, although she couldn't be sure; the silence between them was brief but excruciating. But just when Grace was beginning to think that her plea wouldn't be enough, Karen's eyes got the slightest bit hopeful, her smile growing the slightest bit brighter. And if there was still doubt lingering in her mind, she made sure she didn't show it.
"Okay, honey," the dark haired woman murmured. "I hear you. We'll be just fine."
"We will. And he'll be fine, too. He'll get used to it. Once he realizes how happy you make me, he'll get used to it. You'll see. In a few days, you'll look back on this and wonder why you were so worried about it."
Karen nodded her agreement, and for the time being, it seemed like she believed Grace. So Grace was able to believe herself.
It made it easier to slip back into their routine for the rest of the day.
They went back to 9C, they danced to their song. Grace couldn't bring herself to let go when she wrapped her arms around Karen. Karen burrowed herself as deeply as she could into Grace's embrace. They broke out the wine, they watched the sunset from the terrace. Grace asked Karen to stay the night the way she did every night, like the answer wasn't already known. Karen told Grace she would, like she hadn't spent the last few weeks acting like Grace's bed was her bed. As Grace curled herself into Karen underneath the sheets, she reveled in the overwhelming way that Karen felt like home. And as she listened to Karen's breath even out into sleep, she smiled as she fell deeper into slumber, because she knew she had every intention of keeping this feeling forever. She had every intention of telling Will, of standing firm, of being proud of what she had found while he was away. And she had every intention of holding Karen's hand the entire time.
But that's the problem with even the best of intentions: they don't mean a thing if you don't act on them.