30 Day Writing Challenge
Day Four: Photograph
Fandom: Ghost Hunt
Pairing: Mai Taniyama/Oliver Davis, Mai Taniyama/Kazuya Shibuya,Mai/Naru
Disclaimer: I do not own Ghost Hunt
Warnings: This fanfiction contains potential triggers for people who struggle with anxiety and depression. I understand the pull of reading something that you might be able to relate to or that will give you all the feels but please tread carefully and be aware of your limits. Things do get lighter the further in you go, but the first 500 words minimum are pretty heavy and I urge you to use caution and your better judgement to decide whether or not it will have negative effects on your health.
Photograph
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
The first time Mai looks at the photograph was only hours after Naru and Lin had left for good. Sitting in her room at home, there was a certain feeling of emptiness, of nothingness as she imagined the both of them boarding their place to return to where Naru -Oliver, she corrected herself – grew up.
Even now, nearly two weeks after the revelation of his real identity there was a part of Mai that couldn't believe it – that wanted this to be another bad dream that would end when she woke. And then she could take the train to Shibuya and walk down well-known streets and hear the familiar irritation from her young boss insulting her for being late.
In this moment, she would give anything to hear him say "Mai, tea," just one more time.
But it would never happen again. Because it had all happened, and Naru – Oliver – really was gone.
Picking up the photograph he had given her, Mai's heart squeezed painfully and her throat clenched in a way that she so rarely experienced these days.
Looking back at her from being the glass screen were two identical boys, one smiling and one not. Or at least, it appeared as though that was the case.
But Mai had gotten to know Naru – OLIVER- while she worked for him, and she could recognise the small spark of life in his eyes that implied a certain level of happiness that she'd rarely gotten to see but had cherished all the more. And that small sign of life was worth one hundred of the smiles on Gene's face.
Drops of water fell on the glass, droplets reflecting a small amount of light in different directions as Mai brought her hand up to her cheeks and blinked in shock at the feeling of wet streams running salty tracks.
Just when she thought that she was used to losing people, they up and leave her again.
The thickness in her throat was even stronger as she swallowed once more, turning over the picture to avoid looking at it further and abandoning it on the couch as she pushed herself away and headed for the kitchen to make herself some tea.
One more day.
She could afford to give herself one more day to grieve the loss of her newest family before she had to move on. It would do her no good to mope forever.
So that's exactly what she did.
The second time that Mai tried to bring herself to look at the picture it was almost three months after Naru – OLIVER – had left. Every day was a struggle but the brunette was determined to keep moving forwards, one step at a time.
But today it was so much harder to keep pretending, acting like things were fine when there was a hole where her family once was, and as she sat on the ground, arms around her legs, she couldn't help but let her head fall back with her eyes closed, hitting the small lamp table next to the couch and feeling only numbness where there should be pain.
The sound of glass hitting the tatami matted floor made her re-open her eyes, chocolate orbs spotting the frame quickly.
Swallowing at the familiarity of it, Mai's fingers twitched with the urge to pick it up, but she held back. Nothing good would come from looking upon the face of her old boss and his dead twin.
Closing her eyes tightly, she tried to shake the image from her mind because she knew, without even touching it, exactly how the picture looked.
From the moment she had been given it and the days following she had memorised every line and angle, each part of the photo where lightness gave way to shadows and vice versa. She knew everything and she wasn't ready to pick it up.
So she pushed it gently away from herself, eyes watering again already as she fought back the rush of tears that she was almost used to at this point, turning away from the image that continued to taunt her with what could have been.
'One day,' Mai promised herself, 'I will be able to look at that picture again without crying.'
But that day was not to day.
It was another nine months before Mai even considered touching the photo again.
On the day that marked Naru – just call him Davis-san – leaving a year before, she couldn't help but pick up the image from where it had continued to lay on the ground. Instead of sadness, there was only anger in her movements, body jerking as her hands trembled and turned white from clutching too tightly.
Her body was filled with rage at the memory of how good things had been and how much she'd lost when he'd snatched it all away.
Today also marked the six month mark since the last time any of the only SPR irregulars had contacted her.
It was a jarring thing to note, but it only served to make her angrier and in a fit of rage unlike anything she'd experienced she threw the photograph to the ground, a sick sense of satisfaction washing over her at the sound of crashing glass shattering over her floor.
This time she didn't cry – she had no tears left – and felt only numbness as she moved with exhaustion towards her bedroom with little care for the wreck she was leaving behind.
She didn't care for much any more.
The fourth time Mai looked at the picture, it was only two days after her outburst. So far she'd left the mess alone, unwilling to acknowledge how horrendously she'd behaved, but no longer able to ignore the glass that plagued her floor.
With careful fingers, she leant over and picked up each of the bigger pieces of glass, gently letting it fall into bin. There was a sense of relief and calmness as she cleaned away the last of the glass, picking up the wooden frame that still held the picture of Naru – DAVIS-SAN - and Gene.
Fingers glossed over it carefully and she was surprised to find that not a single scratch was on the image.
Swallowing against her gag reflex, she turned the photo away from her self again, unable to keep looking at if with the feeling of shame that was heavy in her body.
Something had to change, she recognised. Her outburst from days ago was proof of that. It had been a year and no matter how hard she'd tried to forget Naru – DAVIS-SAN – it had been a futile effort. Perhaps that was because no matter where she looked, everything reminded her of the boy she'd come to love.
Because she knew now that words he – there, that was safe right? - had spoken came from a place of ignorance on his part that fuelled her own doubt from discovering the true name of the boy in her dreams.
And perhaps recognising this was step one in understanding that things had changed and she had to let herself move on for anything to actually come from it.
So sitting on the floor in her apartment she made herself a promise. A promise to move forwards and to stop looking back. A promise to keep taking things one at a time and to never stop loving, because her anger was violent and she couldn't continue to hold on to that.
She'd rather hold on to the happy memories of the time that they had all shared together, remembering each thing without the haze of negative emotions she'd gotten so used to feeling.
Pushing up from the ground, she breathed deeply, picture abandoned once more off to the side. She would look at it again, but not yet. She still wasn't ready yet.
The fifth time Mai looked at the picture, it was as she placed it gently into her bag, a new frame protecting it as she zipped up her bag. It had been another year and there had been no word from any of the people she used to work with, but instead of the negative emotions this thought a year ago brought, she only felt melancholy.
Taking a deep breath, she smiled sadly as she looked around the room that once held the few things she'd owned that now held nothing.
Tokyo was filled with so many memories and when she'd graduated she had decided that it was time she move elsewhere and make some more.
It was her last step to truly moving on, and as she locked the door behind herself for the last time, a sense of lightness filled her body at the hope for a good future and a new beginning.
She was free from the restraints of her past now, and it was time that she acknowledged that the past was exactly what it was. There was nothing she could change, she could only look towards a better future.
Unbeknownst to Mai however, it would be harder to completely move on than she thought, because the first night she spends in her new home, far from the big cities, was also the first time since Naru had left, that she dreamt.
And it was the first of many.