A/N: Some of the lines/dialogues are directly from the show, some of them is my own. Enjoy! :))
"We are bound by our choices, but we are more than our mistakes." Kate Beckett was standing on a podium at captain Montgomery's funeral, her black uniform in a perfect contrast with the sun, beaming so bright on the cloudless sky, blinding her vision.
If only she wouldn't forget the sunglasses at home!
It was late spring, but the weather was hot, really hot. Her forehead and her palms were all sweaty, altough she couldn't tell whether she was sweating because of the hot weather, or because of all the stress slowly consuming her.
Kate was always nervous when she had to perform in front of many people, butterflies were clenching in her stomach as she stepped onto the wooden surface, looking at the crowd of people with red, swollen and tired eyes. The last few days were a disaster, trying to process everything, dealing with loss, mourning, grieving, organizing the funeral. She couldn't get a proper sleep since who knows when, but she didn't care. She owed him that and so much more. She even stayed up all night to write the eulogy with tears in her eyes, blaming herself for everything because well, she was the one who never knew when to stop, who couldn't let her mother's case go, and now here she was. Standing on the podium, delivering a speech to her late captain in front his family members, friends, collegues and a few others who she wasn't familiar with. Kate wanted to put hundred percent into this speech, she didn't want to let her former captain down. He was more than just a boss, he was a mentor, a true friend.
A small teardrop made it's way down her cheeks as she flipped a page to continue her speech. She memorized all the lines of curse, but she was too emotional, too broken to focus, at some point she had to glance down at the inky paper to gather herself.
"...and if you are very lucky you find someone, willing to stand with you!" After reciting these lines,her favorite line from the whole speech, she couldn't help but took a quick glance at Castle, after all he was the one who was always there for her. A hint of a smile appeard on her face when their gazes met, but she quickly broke the eye contact, bringing her focus back to the pages in front of her, avoiding his concerned gaze.
Kate was right at the middle of her speech when out the corner of her eye she noticed a glimmer of light at the far end of the cemetery, shimmering bright between two large trees. Seemed like a reflection of light on a ...
She quickly brought her eyes up, casting her gaze to the rows of headstones in front of her, searching for the sudden light source, but it was long gone. Nevermind. She thought, fixing her gaze back on the crowd. Only a few more lines left from the speech, you can do this! Kate prompted herself, taking in a deep breath.
"Our captain would want us to carry on the fight..." She went on, determination filling her voice.
"...and even if there is..." Kate suddenly stopped mid-sentence, the words dying on her tongue when that same bright spot appeared in her sight.
In instant she laid eyes on it a cracling sound of a gunshot ran through the air somewhere in the distance, breaking the mourning silence. Before she could wonder what the hell, something sharp sliced through her chest and ribcages, threatening to split her in two. A sudden wave of pain washed over her as she tried to grab the corner of the podium to steady her wobbling body, wondering what the hell is going on, when someone suddenly jumped on her, pushing her away with all his weight.
They both hit the ground so hard, for a moment it kicked the wind out of her. Kate wondered who it was though, who pushed her down, but she couldn't tell, everything was happening too fast.
Her confused mind was reeling quickly, trying to make sense of it all, but thanks to the rush of adrenaline, and all the fear pounding through her veins, she was unable to think clearly. Kate had no clue as to what happened, but she felt something warm was pouring out of her sore chest between her breasts, flowing down her abdomen.
"Beckett is down! Beckett is down!"
Familiar, yet foreign voices blended together in a far distance, filling the air with echoing, devastated screams.
The sudden realization hit her in a second her eyes landed on the large bloodstain, covering her white gloves on both of her hands. She let out a harsh exhale, her eyes widening in shock.No, no, no! It can't be happening! Oh, God, please no!
She tried to convince herself about the opposite, sobbing and whimpering in despair. A part of her brain was in denial, but the throbbing pain in her chest reminded her of the brutal truth by each passing second.
The beats of her heart picked up speed, threatening to splinter in her sore chest, her lungs were on fire, thirsty for air, but she was unable to take a proper breath.
Kate was moaning and whimpering even harder now, trying to move, to bring her body upright.
"Shhh!" Castle had whispeared, engulfing her trembling body. Castle! So it was him jumping on her!
She could see him clearly now, as he hovered above, his body blotting out the beating sun, his eyes quickly trailing up and down on her body, desperately searching for the injury. He had found the entry wound within a second, a small hole on her uniform around the corner of her left breast only a few inches below her heart, sadorned with a giant bloodstain spilling through all the layers of her clothes. Castle ripped the upper part of her uniform off without hesitation, applying a firm pressure to the wound with both of his hands, feeling the accelerated beats of her heart beneath his palms. He was trying to slow down the bleeding, as much as he could, but the hot leak of blood was pouring out of her damaged body anyway.
The white shirt she had worn underneath was now completely drenched in the warm, dark crimson of blood, slowly soaking her entire body and the grass all around her.
In a second his hands landed on the sore spot between her breasts her eyes widened, eyeballs flickering up in pain. Kate wanted to scream, to choke out that it hurts as hell, but no words could make it past her quivering lips. She tried to cry out in protest, loud and hard, but the agonizing pain in her chest and the luck of air in her lungs muffled her struggling voice.
However, she managed to catch his forearm after a few unsuccessful attempts, fisting her right hand and snagging her numb fingers into the soft fabric of his black tux, holding onto him as firmly as she could.
Her aching lungs were straining for more oxygen, but as she drew in a deep breath her chest spasmed, setting her lungs on fire, the unbearable agony of pain spreading through her body, consuming her entire being.
She gasped in response, her whole body trembling like a leaf.
"It's gonna be okay Kate, I'm here. I've got you!" Castle kept telling her the same words over and over, his broken, but gentle voice softly caressing her ears. She could barely make out his words due to the throbbing pain and the rush of blood pounding hard in her ears, but she was thankful for his calming, husky voice anyway. God, she was scared, so scared.
A small teardrop left the corner of her eye, staining the thin, pale skin on her face, mingling with the cold sweat streaming down her forehead. She felt cold, her entire body was shaking.
"Cas-" Kate tried to choke out his name, but the word died on her tongue as her sore lungs ran out of all the air. She sucked in a couple of ragged breaths, gasping for air, moaning and whimpering even harder than she did before.
"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay!" He consoled her, blinking furiously against the tears welling up in his own eyes as well, blurring his vision.
"I've got you! I've got you Kate!" Castle kept reassuring her even though he knew for sure that nothing is going to be okay.
He cradled her face into his palm, gently caressing her for a brief moment, his bloody fingers leaving a red mark on her cheek.
He wanted to keep his soft fingers on her pale, cold face for much longer, to soothe her pain at least a bit, but he had to draw his hand back to her chest, putting more pressure on the wound.
Both of his hands were now fully cloated in blood, his mind racing with all the possibilites about everything what can go wrong, but he tried to focus as much as he could, ignoring the wirl of his desperate thoughts. Dealing with emotions can wait. Now he has to get her out of this. Alive.
As the seconds quickly turned into minutes the growing pool of blood turned into a river and the ambulance was still nowhere to be seen.
Kate was whimpering and gasping harder and harder by each passing second, unable to control herself anymore.
If only she could take in a deep breath to gather herself, just one freaking breath for God sakes! Her lungs were burning, thirsty for air. Or was her chest on fire because of the excruciating pain slowly consuming her entire body? She couldn't tell, but however after a couple of shallow breaths she was finally able to refill her aching lungs with a bit of air. At least something, she thought, trying to reassure herself even though there was no hope. Not anymore. Her body was weak, too weak to even move, her sore, tired lungs slowly giving up on breathing.
She closed her eyes against the devastated look on Castle's face to save some energy, like it would help to solve anything.
"No, no, no! Kate, stay with me!" He pleaed. He can't loose her! Not like this, not now!
"Stay with me, please! Stay with me, okay?" Castle kept repeating the same words like a mantra, his desperate voice almost cracking thanks to all the tears crowding in his eyes. A small teardrop made its way down his cheeck, staining her own neck, mingling with blood. Kate was now lying in front of him with her eyes closed, her weak and damaged body slowly giving up on her, and he couldn't bear the thought of loosing her, he would never cope with that. He would never stop blaming himself. After all, he was the one who couldn't keep her away from her mother's case. It was him who put her in this situation, it was all his fault.
His hands were still on her wound, putting pressure on it as firmly as he could, but the beats of her damaged heart were slowing down beneath the strong pressure of his fingers anyway. The color of her skin turned sallow as the life slowly drained out of her and oh, God! Where is that damned ambulance already?
"Kate..." He kept begging to her because well, what else could he do?
"Kate please, I..." He sucked in a shallow breath, trying to get ahold of himself.
"I love you! I love you Kate!" He muttered without even thinking.
The three most beautiful words he had kept swallowing down for so long finally broke past his trembling lips and he didn't even regret it. If this it, if this is their last stand, she has to know.
Hearing Castle's desperate confession she managed to open her eyes but only briefly, sparing a tired glance at Castle, looking straight into his teary, dark blue eyes.
Dark clouds were suddenly huddling on the sky, blotting out the sun entirely. The grey, gloomy weather perfectly matched the color of her dying gaze filled with regret and desperation.
Her eyes were half-shut, but she was still conscious, aware of her surroundings, all the missed opportunities circling in her mind.
Oh, God! He loved her, and all she could respond was a low moan strangled in her throat, her chest too tight for much more.
Kate drew in another shuddering breath, trying to stay focused for as long as possible, but at the same time she wished it was over already! Her chest was throbbing like it was on fire, her entire body aching, the agony of pain slowly eating her alive. She was tired. Too tired to breath, too tired to even exist.
Sirens were wailing in distance, the help was getting close, but not fast enough. She already knew what's going to happen. She didn't need to see the growing river of blood around her turning into a sea. She could feel it on her entire body, on her hands, even her face was covered with bloodstains. Kate already knew she won't make it. With all that blood loss it was impossible, and she had made piece with that by now. At least Castle was here, by her side in her very last minutes. That's all she wanted. That's all she needed.
She gathered herself for one last time, taking in a deep breath with all her remained energy only to inhale the smooth scent of him at least one more time. As soon as the familiar scent of his aftershave filled her nostrils her lungs slowly gave up on breathing and the strong grip on his forearm had loosened, her numb fingers letting go of his blood covered tux. Her shaky hand had fallen back to the ground, right into the growing pool of blood as the hopeless beats of her heart were giving up on her as well.
Her gaze slowly darkened, the bullet ruthlessly taking all traces of life out of her eyes, which were once shimmering green like an emerald.
Her vision blurred with little black dots and no matter how hard she tried to keep her eyes open, they fell shut anyway.
Kate was slowly loosing consciousness, the world fading away, but a distant part of her brain still heard some foreign voices, shouting words like
"...got shot in the chest!..." "...fading too fast, do something or we loose her!..." And someone was begging her to stay, but she could't tell who it was. She didn't recognize the voices anymore.
After a couple of seconds a needle had been plunged into her upper arm and that was it. That was the moment when she gave up. The steady rythm of throbbing pain had finally eased, the blend of voices faded as her mind slowly drifted away into the unknown, painless sea of black, leaving her lifeless body behind with wide-opened, unseen eyes staring at him.
"Nooo!" Kate Beckett jerked up yelling, screaming and sobbing, pieces of her disheveled hair plastering against the sweaty skin on her forehead.
Her heart was pounding hard against her ribcages, her hands shaking, all sweaty, her eyes quickly darting here and there in the dark room, desperately searching for Castle, but he wasn't there. He wasn't anywhere.
Oh, right! He isn't at home! She sighed aloud in relief after all traces of sleep cleared from her vision.
Blinking fuzzily in the dim light she noticed that there is no blood on her, and that she can move properly without feeling any pain. She is alive. It was just a dream, a terrible nightmare! She is at home, lying in bed. At least she was.
Kate let out another heavy sigh, releasing a deep breath she hadn't known she was holding back.
She slowly hoisted herself up in a sitting position, rubbing her teary eyes with the corner of her long sleeved, loose night shirt to scrub away the salty moisture and the horrible images from the nightmare still lingering there, then she in- an exhaled slowly to gather herself.
It wasn't the first time she had to deal with nightmares and panick attacks, she had gotten used to it over the years. Sometimes it was easy to deal, sometimes harder, especially on nights like this, when she dreamed about dying in that cemetery.
To her relief it didn't take long this time until her breath was steady again.
The beats of her heart were slowly returning to normal, but she insisted to keep sitting in the bed for at least a little while. Sleep was definitely off from the table anyway, at least for tonight.
Kate placed herself comfortable in the large, double bed, tucking a wet, sweaty lock of hair behind her ears.
It was at the middle of the night, only the glow of the moon was spilling through the half-shut blinds, filling the room with only a dim moonlight, but even in the semidarkness she could see every furniture in his - in their - bedroom. All the decorations on the shelves, all the framed pictures of the two of them, capturing their best moments and keeping their memories forever. A hint of a smile appeared at the corner of her lips when her eyes landed on their wedding photo, quietly standing on the night stand, illuminated by the glow of the moon. She couldn't help thinking about their wedding, how tiny and simple it was and yet...it was beautiful, magical, she wouldn't trade it for anything.
After a gentle sigh leaving her lips she took a quick glance at the alarm clock in order to check the time. According to the small digital clock on her nightstand, it was past 1 am.
Kate was thinking about lying back to bed and trying to get some sleep, when the door slowly swung open and two little eyes were curiously peeking inside.
"Is everything okay mom?" A cute, thin voice broke the silence, interrupting her whirling thoughts, filling the emty bedroom with warmth and joy. Her short, sleep-tangled, light brown hair was curling around her shoulders as she slowly stepped into the room, her little sleepy hazel green eyes filled with worry and concern. There was no question who she got those beautiful eyes from.
"Hey, come here my little peanut!" Beckett's eyes lit up at the sight of her daughter, all the fear and sadness gone from her welcoming tone, her own hazel greens suddenly shining, perfectly matching Lily's gaze.
Her little girl ran into her embrace without hesitation, jumping at the king sized bed to give a big hug to her mom. Kate extended her arms to pull her even closer, to embrace her fully.
"I just had a bad dream, that's all. I'm sorry I woke you up!" Kate had sighed, pressing a quick kiss to her daughter's forehead, gently cradling her little body into her arms.
Lily was now sitting in her lap, her tiny head relaxing on Beckett's chest, right around the spot where the bullet hit her so many years ago.
"Do you miss dad?" Her daughter asked, jerking up in Beckett's lap, unable to sit in one position longer than a second. Despite the fact that it was past 1 a.m., Lily was fit, filled with energy.
"Yes, I do miss him." Kate had sighed aloud with a gentle smile curling up on her face, trying to hold her daughter in her arms, who was now squirming in her lap.
"When is he coming home?" Lily asked eagerly, her little green eyes filled with curiousity.
"On Friday hon!" Kate replied, looking straight into her daughter's beautiful gleaming eyes, which were shimmering green like an emerald. Lily was now trying to stand up in her lap, gripping Beckett's night shirt to steady herself, but after a couple of seconds she had fallen back to her knees, burying her tiny head into Kate's embrace again.
"How far it is mom? How many sleeps until Daddy comes home?" She asked sheepisly, her thin, bashful voice pleasantly ringing.
"It's Tuesday now, which means you have to sleep four times til he arrives!" Kate answered with a chuckle, unable to stop the growing smile from spreading across her face. "Including this night..." she continued, nuzzling her daughter's nose with her own, which made her peanut giggle. "Let's go back to sleep, so Friday can be here sooner, okay?" Her answer was more like a statement than a question, trying to convince her wide awake daughter to go back to sleep.
"Okay!" Lily exlaimed, squirming in her lap again, and Kate wondered how can a four year old be filled with that much energy at the middle of the night.
"Can I sleep here?" Lily asked timidly, sucking her thumb,waiting and hoping for her mom's approval.
She had her own children's room, but sometimes she still insisted to sleep with her parents instead, especially on nights like this, when her dad was away and only the two of them were at home.
"Yes, of course you can!" Kate reassured her, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead, pulling her tiny hand away from her mouth.
"But don't do this okay? Don't suck your thumb!" She said in a warning tone, trying to convince her daughter to leave this bad habbit behind.
"'kay." She answered, yawning.
Seemed like Lily was slowly getting tired, the gleam in her hazel greens darkened and her eyes almost fell shut, so Kate helped her to lay down next to herself. When they both were comfortably lying next to each other in the king sized bed, covered with the same warm duvet, she cupped the back of her tiny head with one of her hands, gently caressing the curls of her honey brown hair with the tip of her fingers.
"Good night hon!" She whispered into her daughter's ears, but Lily didn't have the energy to reply anymore, she only sighed in response before her eyes fell shut entirely, her little mind slowly drifting into a beautiful dreamworld.
Kate leaned to her right side and put her left arm around her daughter's waist to hold her closer as she watched the slow rise and fall of her little chest.
With her daughter by her side, she was hundred percent sure that no more nightmares will haunt her. She took in a deep breath to inhale the smooth scent of their big pillow and the unmistakeable smell of after shave reminded her of Castle.
Oh God, she missed him so much! She was gone for only a week, but for her it felt like a lifetime. He was at a book tour in Europe. He didn't want to go there at all, he even tried to convince his publisher to reschedule the tour, but oh well... no luck, so there he was now, at the other side of the ocean, leaving Kate at home alone with their daughter, craving after him more than ever before. Kate didn't blame him of course, and she wasn't completely alone, her dad, Martha, and even Alexis were always there for her whenever she needed, but still...it wasn't the same. It wasn't him.
She wanted him. She wanted to snuggle into the warm embrace of his arms, to look into his bright blue eyes, which were shimmerimg with golden sparkles everytime their gazes met. She wanted to press her lips to his mouth to feel the soft caress of his dancing tongue brushing her insides, she wanted the warm press of his body on hers, to feel the smooth scent of his after shave on her own skin, she wanted his soft fingers exploring each part of her craving body and she wanted to feel him inside more than ever before, especially now after having that terrible nightmare.
Her shooting was already a decade ago, she made peace with that horrible event long time ago, she even solved her mother's murder since then, but she would never be able to move on like this if it wasn't for him.
Castle was always there for her no matter what, the only person who truly understood her, the only man who was able to torn her inside walls down. No matter how hard she tried to push him away, he had always come back. Castle taught her to look forward tomorow's antventures, he was the one who brought her back to life.
She slowly pulled her left arm away from Lily's waist in order to touch the sensitive spot between her breasts, where the bullet pierced her chest on that very dark day ten years ago. The scar was long healed, leaving only a puckered flesh behind, but in her dreams it was always still fresh, the events so vivid, too real. Her nightmares got less frequent by each passing year, especially since Lily was born, but on a lonely nights like this, it had always come back, stronger than ever before.
A small teardrop made it's way down her cheeks as her fingers were circling around the rounded scar marking her chest at the corner of her left breast. It always made her emotional how far she had come since then.
Her mom always used to say that no matter how deep in life you are, there is always a way out. Is it going to be an easy ride? No. But one day you'll look back and realize, it was all worth it.
These were Johanna's favorite lines, she kept reciting them everytime they were in a difficult situations. There was a time in Kate's life when thinking about her mother was too painful, almost unbearable, but her mom's reassuring words were always with her, keeping her afloat, keeping her from drowning when life became too much.
After the shooting all Kate wanted was to be good enough, to be more, and now here she was, married with her favorite author and being a mom to a beautiful little girl, who without doubt will be as badass as she was - and still is.
A gentle, contented sigh made it's way past her lips, followed with a big yawn as she lowered her hand down to her abdomen, gently caressing her growing belly with the tip of her soft fingers. Nothing was visible yet, but according to the doctors she was carrying two new lives in there. She had found it out just yesterday, and she couldn't wait to share the news with Castle too.
"Only a few more days, it will fly by." She mumbled into her pillow in a sleepy tone, and with a proud smile curling up on her face, she slowly fell asleep, joining her daughter into a sweet slumber.
Her mom was right after all. It was worth the pain. For this moment, it was worth it all.
A/N: I feel like this story is not that good, but I have been playing with this idea in my mind for a while now, so I decided to write it down. Hope you guys enjoyed this little piece I wrote! Until next time, bye! :))